I've been putting off this post for over a month now (actually, more like 6 months now, but who's counting?) but it's time! There will not be anymore posts on this site and in a few months from now, I will be taking it down completely.
The decision to stop my blog isn't entirely that I've ceased to enjoy writing, but rather because when I began this blog in 2010, it was meant to be a collaboration blog of various women's stories of how funny and/or horrible it was going through puberty and their early 20s. That never happened. I got a surprisingly low response of women that wanted to share their stories, even anonymously, so I just began writing all of my own stories. Although I was quite the dumb skank, even I only had so many stories to share. After inserting a variety of posts about other topics, I found that my original intent was pretty much gone.
It's not that I am quitting Adventures in Estrogen, but more like it's just complete, and I am proud of what I've accomplished here in the last 4 years, as well as treasuring the friends I have made because of this.
I love you!
The reason why I will be taking it down in a few months is another story all together. It seems as even though I still get about 1000 page views a day, 995 of those seem to be from fucking pedophiles thinking that my stories of my (very) young sexual experiences will somehow turn them on. It's so fucking horrific and never did I ever even consider this to be a possible side effect of my writings, which are 100% meant to be cautionary tales for girls and/or parents of young girls and nothing fucking more than that. I guess I was naive. My blog search term results used to be hilarious and a constant source of entertainment, but in the past year, it's mostly just turned my stomach & I cannot even bear to check them anymore.
I want to thank all of you that have supported, laughed, cried, commented and connected with me over the last 4 years. As you are probably well aware, I'm always on The Twitter and my website LadyE.me has its own independent website now with some of my favourite posts permanently residing there. I'll also have a Tumblr (yeah, I love Tumblr and I don't fucking care who knows it) where I will post things that are longer than 140 characters. I also hope to write for In The Powder Room again someday, but that won't be until Baby E lets me near a computer for longer than 5 minutes.
PS. Buy our book. Woot!
See you on the flip side, hookers! Muuuuuuuuah.
Lady E, signing off.
Showing posts with label Blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blogging. Show all posts
Feb 1, 2014
Jul 25, 2013
So everyone's going to BlogHer13
It's that time of year again -- BlogHer season. I had my Early Bird ticket and I was all set to go, and then this happened, so with a heavy heart, I sold my ticket. This is not to say that I'd trade one for the other, because WHAT KIND OF MOTHER WOULD I BE? but nevertheless, I was looking forward to seeing the friends I made from last year's BlogHer12 in NYC as well as meeting new bloggy & Twitter friends.
Anyway, I'll keep this sulk short since most of you will be in Chicago, likely drinking, and not reading this anyway! I've channeled my inner teen angst for this one . . .
Anyway, I'll keep this sulk short since most of you will be in Chicago, likely drinking, and not reading this anyway! I've channeled my inner teen angst for this one . . .
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
Jun 28, 2013
Somethings are priceless, apparently.
I recently had a one on one consultation-slash-tutorial to pass on some of my social media and other various interweb skills. I had been referred to this older gentlemen by a past colleague (thanks, by the way) and at $100/hr, I couldn't refuse.
I'm sure this is how the first prostitute began as well, probably.
After being led down to what could best be described as THE BASEMENT OF DEATH, he revealed a tiny (very, very tiny) corner that had been carved out from the mountains of boxes and clutter . . . and saws and other electric tools that could have cut through a human body like butter.
I knew from the moment he first opened the door that he was harmless, but considering a guy I went to high school with was just murdered by someone he met off Kijiji, I couldn't help but get crazy, awful thoughts racing through my mind.
Stranger, danger and all that.
Anyway, once we got settled in the claustrophobic work space, he began walking me through his dozens upon dozens of dusty "get rich on the internet" schemes, binders, videos and products that he had bought into, and it exhausted me.
He was full of quotable quotes and deep thought observations which I'm sure I've seen all of them assaulting my Facebook feed at one time or another . . . in Papyrus font and pasted on top of filtered sunset photos, of course.
Then he hit me with the golden tuna of sayings: "Your true wealth can only be measured once you've lost all your money."
And I gave him a raised eyebrow, nodding expression as to politely acknowledge the "wisdom" he was attempting to share with me.
"Do you know what that means?" As if he mistook my expression for one of confusion, and he continued to explain, "It's about your family; your children. How much are your children worth?"
"I dunno. How much do you think I could get for them?" I smiled.
He didn't smile back. "THEY ARE PRICELESS."
Oh yeah, right.
Obviously, my humor wasn't appreciated, so we cut short the chit chat and got down to work . . . showing him how to write a blog and make his millions.
LAUGH. OUT. LOUD.
That will be one hundred dollars, thanks.
I'm sure this is how the first prostitute began as well, probably.
After being led down to what could best be described as THE BASEMENT OF DEATH, he revealed a tiny (very, very tiny) corner that had been carved out from the mountains of boxes and clutter . . . and saws and other electric tools that could have cut through a human body like butter.
I knew from the moment he first opened the door that he was harmless, but considering a guy I went to high school with was just murdered by someone he met off Kijiji, I couldn't help but get crazy, awful thoughts racing through my mind.
Stranger, danger and all that.
Anyway, once we got settled in the claustrophobic work space, he began walking me through his dozens upon dozens of dusty "get rich on the internet" schemes, binders, videos and products that he had bought into, and it exhausted me.
He was full of quotable quotes and deep thought observations which I'm sure I've seen all of them assaulting my Facebook feed at one time or another . . . in Papyrus font and pasted on top of filtered sunset photos, of course.
Then he hit me with the golden tuna of sayings: "Your true wealth can only be measured once you've lost all your money."
And I gave him a raised eyebrow, nodding expression as to politely acknowledge the "wisdom" he was attempting to share with me.
"Do you know what that means?" As if he mistook my expression for one of confusion, and he continued to explain, "It's about your family; your children. How much are your children worth?"
"I dunno. How much do you think I could get for them?" I smiled.
He didn't smile back. "THEY ARE PRICELESS."
Oh yeah, right.
Obviously, my humor wasn't appreciated, so we cut short the chit chat and got down to work . . . showing him how to write a blog and make his millions.
LAUGH. OUT. LOUD.
That will be one hundred dollars, thanks.
Sep 24, 2012
Shop Locket & Me
I've been so freaking excited this weekend after FINALLY getting around to trying Shop Locket after my "friend in a clay way" suggested it to me ages ago. Holy motherfucking hell. From the time I created an account to the time I saw my arts n' crafts being pimped on this site right here (look to your right) was no longer than 15 minutes. "OK, but you're a giant nerd," is what you might be thinking but I promise you, it was no harder to use than uploading images and comments to Facebook.
"But Lady E, what the fuck does it do?"
It helps you sell your shit. Plain and simple. Ohhh yes, so damn simple.
The reason why I think it's so amazing is because I know many of us create something every now and again. . . but then to sell it? Get exposure? Set up a storefront on Etsy just for one item? Seems illogical and extremely annoying, if you ask me. It doesn't even have to be something that you have "handmade" - it can be anything you want to sell, period.
Yes, it does have processing fees like Etsy, but they aren't up-front. Etsy makes MILLIONS of dollars from artists and crafters that very often don't even sell a single item. Etsy is like a beautiful but evil Siren that lures you in with her sexy, crafty wiles and then drowns you. . . but not before she takes your money. Shop Locket functions more on a "consignment based" business model, which works out just fine for me.
I know art is expensive and it is a slow sell (which is why I don't own an art gallery), but here's the thing – 48hrs ago, it was sitting in my office being seen by no one. Now? It's up for sale on this site and since Shop Locket tracks views, it's telling me I have had over 250 impressions this weekend. I don't know of many art galleries around here that could have done that for me anyway. It's pretty fucking fabulous!
Shop Locket integrates with your existing PayPal account, so if someone actually does eventually buy something off my site, it will go nice and smoothly. There are advanced settings for tax and shipping as well, if required. It's got what you need, baby!
I realize that, as bloggers, we write for the love of writing (hopefully) first and foremost, but let's get down to brass tacks here, people – making some money from our other talents anything short of street walkin' should be made easier, and I believe Shop Locket has done that, and then some.
"But Lady E, I don't even have a blog!"
It doesn't matter. It's true that I am quite smitten with the fact that I can embed my for sale items right into my website, but apart from PayPal, all you need is Twitter, Facebook or Pinterest (or all of them, if you so desire) and you can whore out your items through those social media platforms. No website required.
"But Lady E, what the fuck does it do?"
It helps you sell your shit. Plain and simple. Ohhh yes, so damn simple.
The reason why I think it's so amazing is because I know many of us create something every now and again. . . but then to sell it? Get exposure? Set up a storefront on Etsy just for one item? Seems illogical and extremely annoying, if you ask me. It doesn't even have to be something that you have "handmade" - it can be anything you want to sell, period.
Yes, it does have processing fees like Etsy, but they aren't up-front. Etsy makes MILLIONS of dollars from artists and crafters that very often don't even sell a single item. Etsy is like a beautiful but evil Siren that lures you in with her sexy, crafty wiles and then drowns you. . . but not before she takes your money. Shop Locket functions more on a "consignment based" business model, which works out just fine for me.
I know art is expensive and it is a slow sell (which is why I don't own an art gallery), but here's the thing – 48hrs ago, it was sitting in my office being seen by no one. Now? It's up for sale on this site and since Shop Locket tracks views, it's telling me I have had over 250 impressions this weekend. I don't know of many art galleries around here that could have done that for me anyway. It's pretty fucking fabulous!
Shop Locket integrates with your existing PayPal account, so if someone actually does eventually buy something off my site, it will go nice and smoothly. There are advanced settings for tax and shipping as well, if required. It's got what you need, baby!
I realize that, as bloggers, we write for the love of writing (hopefully) first and foremost, but let's get down to brass tacks here, people – making some money from our other talents anything short of street walkin' should be made easier, and I believe Shop Locket has done that, and then some.
"But Lady E, I don't even have a blog!"
It doesn't matter. It's true that I am quite smitten with the fact that I can embed my for sale items right into my website, but apart from PayPal, all you need is Twitter, Facebook or Pinterest (or all of them, if you so desire) and you can whore out your items through those social media platforms. No website required.
So, do you crochet the shit out of a scarf? Or perhaps cross-stitch lovely phrases?
Screen printed onto some boards you stole from a construction site?
Everyone that participated in Craft Whores will have something glorious to offer the world, I'm sure of it.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
PUT IT UP FOR SALE ON YOUR BLOG, LIKE, RIGHT NOW.
For realzies, though. Try it, you'll like it!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This is not a sponsored post. Like I said on The Twitter, I pimp when things deserve to get pimped.
This is one of those times.
Aug 9, 2012
The Quick & the Dread
A BlogHer '12 Experience
It was an early Friday morning and since I had not been partying the night before, I was there really early. This turned out to be a blessing, since one of the only people there earlier than me was Alexandra. It was calm and lovely and exactly how I prefer to talk with people - especially a person I admire just so damn much. Breakfast was relatively civilized and divine, while also meeting A Lady in France, Marinka, Two Busy, Avitable, Suniverse, Buried With Kids and many others.
Then, the chaos happened. In my brain.
Very quickly, thousands of women began filtering into the conference hall and my brain began to short circuit. I don't know if it was my ADD shifting into super-sonic bat crap crazy mode, but I was hearing every single conversational humm, squeal and laugh. I was on over-stimulation meltdown.
I found myself wandering around looking for people for a big chunk of the time. Because I was only there for the one day, I really wanted to meet everyone that I have grown to love so much, whether through this blog and/or The Twitter. Perhaps I tried too hard to achieve my goal, but I'm a gawd damn over-achiever, so because of that, I felt quite rushed and anxious for a big part of the day. Crap.
If I introduced myself by my alias, people would ask me, "Ahh, but what's your REAL name?" Then, if I introduced myself by my real name, people would ask, "Huh?" So that was an interesting social experiment. Lady Estrogen won out, for sure :)
And there was lunch.
Saying that lunch was impressive would be an understatement, since The Next Martha totally went above and beyond with an amazing centerpiece. She over-achieved the FUCK outta me! Ever the gracious hostess, darling. Apart from that, I also got to briefly chat with Ooph, The Bitchin Wife, Ann Imig and Toy With Me (among others). Seriously, it's mostly a blur. I'm impressed that I have managed to remember this many people so far! Oooh, yeah... and Martha Stewart was FABULOUS. She really does have her perfectly groomed fingers into absolutely everything! I bow to her greatness.
Ahhh, yes. My special packages. After totally FREAKING out in New Jersey while I was stranded at a train station in 102 degree weather with 50 Lady Godiva chocolates in my suitcase, they miraculously all made it to BlogHer. I was so excited to give these to the wonderful ladies that I had met - it was the LEAST I could do to show my admiration to each and every one of you! I swear to god that I didn't have them with me when I saw Adam Avitable, so suck it! But I did have them when I got toambush meet The Bearded Iris.
The "Sessions" were OK and although the premise behind them was great, the whole "Wait, you didn't sign up on this sheet first?" chaos was a bit intense. And it wasn't just me - there were a whole lotta newbie chickens bobbing around the corridors mumbling, "What the fuck's going on?" which was hilarious to watch and admittedly be a part of. Then I ditched and hung out with Suniverse, checked out some panels and we brought on the bitch, together. Wurd.
Then there were drinks.
Another personal highlight was just hanging out with The Animated Woman and chatting with booze being imbibed. Apart from gaining a true "IRL" friend, I also got this... which is by far the best swag I received:
My arms have never looked better! Snort. What is that I'm holding? That is the Trojan Pulse, which they were handing out like candy. Speaking of candy, did I mention MY package also had that too, because I'm a fucking marketing whore-slash-genius. Suck on THAT, Trojan!
I tried to stay for Listen to Your Mother "Open Mic" for a little while. After FINALLY meeting two of my heroes, Mama Kat and Scary Mommy, I couldn't stay much longer. There was no gong OR giant cane dragging people off stage if they went way (way, way) over their allotted 5 minutes. What the shit?! I wanted a gong; it needed a gong... at times.
And Sparklecorn happened.
Drinks being $13 a shot made having 8 drink tickets fan-fucking-tastic. Hello, New York City prices! The music was spot on - they soooo knew their target audience. It was like a high school dance party, but we didn't have to hid the alcohol in a flask down our pants. I finally got dance (to Vanilla Ice) with Mommy NaniBooboo. Whut, whut! And got some hugs from Michonblog, Tough Cookie Mom, The818, and Whatnowandwhy. And by 1 o'clock in the morning, I was spent!
To wrap this shit up --
All in all, it was a cool but busy time; I will indeed be going back next year. My main goal at BlogHer 2012 wasn't to get help with technical issues or re-fuel my blogging engines -- it was to meet people, but I ended up spending too much time trying to find them and not enough actually meeting them. I have posted the few photos I managed to get on my Facebook page. Check those out!
Because I was so fucking lost half the time, I still have 4 of my special packages left! It seems a shame to not give them away! If you were at BlogHer '12 and didn't manage to find me (or even if you weren't there and really want one), leave me a comment and we'll work something out.
5 Things for BlogHer 2013 in Chicago...
1. I will sit my fat ass at a centrally located numbered table and drink for 3 STRAIGHT HOURS. I so want to meet everyone, but I don't have it in me to play cat & mouse again next year -- it stressed me out beyond these words.
2. I will save up and go for the ENTIRE conference.
3. I WILL BE ON A PANEL. (Or at least, I will attempt to be more motivated to follow through with my application to be on a panel, now that I know what they're all about.)
4. Since it will not be my first one, I vow to be more relaxed, more happy-go-lucky... and probably much more intoxicated.
5. I will be designing a "Sausage Queen of Chicago" special edition Blogher'13 t-shirt, because HOLY SHIT, THAT'S SO DAMN HILARIOUSLY AWESOME.
************
I'm going to shamelessly quote Avitable's blurb right now:
I know I left out a lot of people in this post, but that’s because of me, not you – don’t hesitate to chime in in the comments and give me hell for forgetting you!
************
It was an early Friday morning and since I had not been partying the night before, I was there really early. This turned out to be a blessing, since one of the only people there earlier than me was Alexandra. It was calm and lovely and exactly how I prefer to talk with people - especially a person I admire just so damn much. Breakfast was relatively civilized and divine, while also meeting A Lady in France, Marinka, Two Busy, Avitable, Suniverse, Buried With Kids and many others.
Then, the chaos happened. In my brain.
Very quickly, thousands of women began filtering into the conference hall and my brain began to short circuit. I don't know if it was my ADD shifting into super-sonic bat crap crazy mode, but I was hearing every single conversational humm, squeal and laugh. I was on over-stimulation meltdown.
I found myself wandering around looking for people for a big chunk of the time. Because I was only there for the one day, I really wanted to meet everyone that I have grown to love so much, whether through this blog and/or The Twitter. Perhaps I tried too hard to achieve my goal, but I'm a gawd damn over-achiever, so because of that, I felt quite rushed and anxious for a big part of the day. Crap.
If I introduced myself by my alias, people would ask me, "Ahh, but what's your REAL name?" Then, if I introduced myself by my real name, people would ask, "Huh?" So that was an interesting social experiment. Lady Estrogen won out, for sure :)
And there was lunch.
Saying that lunch was impressive would be an understatement, since The Next Martha totally went above and beyond with an amazing centerpiece. She over-achieved the FUCK outta me! Ever the gracious hostess, darling. Apart from that, I also got to briefly chat with Ooph, The Bitchin Wife, Ann Imig and Toy With Me (among others). Seriously, it's mostly a blur. I'm impressed that I have managed to remember this many people so far! Oooh, yeah... and Martha Stewart was FABULOUS. She really does have her perfectly groomed fingers into absolutely everything! I bow to her greatness.
Ahhh, yes. My special packages. After totally FREAKING out in New Jersey while I was stranded at a train station in 102 degree weather with 50 Lady Godiva chocolates in my suitcase, they miraculously all made it to BlogHer. I was so excited to give these to the wonderful ladies that I had met - it was the LEAST I could do to show my admiration to each and every one of you! I swear to god that I didn't have them with me when I saw Adam Avitable, so suck it! But I did have them when I got to
The "Sessions" were OK and although the premise behind them was great, the whole "Wait, you didn't sign up on this sheet first?" chaos was a bit intense. And it wasn't just me - there were a whole lotta newbie chickens bobbing around the corridors mumbling, "What the fuck's going on?" which was hilarious to watch and admittedly be a part of. Then I ditched and hung out with Suniverse, checked out some panels and we brought on the bitch, together. Wurd.
Then there were drinks.
Another personal highlight was just hanging out with The Animated Woman and chatting with booze being imbibed. Apart from gaining a true "IRL" friend, I also got this... which is by far the best swag I received:
My arms have never looked better! Snort. What is that I'm holding? That is the Trojan Pulse, which they were handing out like candy. Speaking of candy, did I mention MY package also had that too, because I'm a fucking marketing whore-slash-genius. Suck on THAT, Trojan!
I tried to stay for Listen to Your Mother "Open Mic" for a little while. After FINALLY meeting two of my heroes, Mama Kat and Scary Mommy, I couldn't stay much longer. There was no gong OR giant cane dragging people off stage if they went way (way, way) over their allotted 5 minutes. What the shit?! I wanted a gong; it needed a gong... at times.
And Sparklecorn happened.
Drinks being $13 a shot made having 8 drink tickets fan-fucking-tastic. Hello, New York City prices! The music was spot on - they soooo knew their target audience. It was like a high school dance party, but we didn't have to hid the alcohol in a flask down our pants. I finally got dance (to Vanilla Ice) with Mommy NaniBooboo. Whut, whut! And got some hugs from Michonblog, Tough Cookie Mom, The818, and Whatnowandwhy. And by 1 o'clock in the morning, I was spent!
To wrap this shit up --
All in all, it was a cool but busy time; I will indeed be going back next year. My main goal at BlogHer 2012 wasn't to get help with technical issues or re-fuel my blogging engines -- it was to meet people, but I ended up spending too much time trying to find them and not enough actually meeting them. I have posted the few photos I managed to get on my Facebook page. Check those out!
Because I was so fucking lost half the time, I still have 4 of my special packages left! It seems a shame to not give them away! If you were at BlogHer '12 and didn't manage to find me (or even if you weren't there and really want one), leave me a comment and we'll work something out.
5 Things for BlogHer 2013 in Chicago...
1. I will sit my fat ass at a centrally located numbered table and drink for 3 STRAIGHT HOURS. I so want to meet everyone, but I don't have it in me to play cat & mouse again next year -- it stressed me out beyond these words.
2. I will save up and go for the ENTIRE conference.
3. I WILL BE ON A PANEL. (Or at least, I will attempt to be more motivated to follow through with my application to be on a panel, now that I know what they're all about.)
4. Since it will not be my first one, I vow to be more relaxed, more happy-go-lucky... and probably much more intoxicated.
5. I will be designing a "Sausage Queen of Chicago" special edition Blogher'13 t-shirt, because HOLY SHIT, THAT'S SO DAMN HILARIOUSLY AWESOME.
************
I'm going to shamelessly quote Avitable's blurb right now:
I know I left out a lot of people in this post, but that’s because of me, not you – don’t hesitate to chime in in the comments and give me hell for forgetting you!
************
Jul 5, 2012
Hear ye! Hear ye!
Thanks to my supportive husband, (and I'm actually not even being a smarmy bitch when I say that... this time!) we will be driving down to NYC on August 2nd. Why is that, you ask? Ohh, because I'm going to go to my first BlogHer event and chill out with Martha Stewart. Yeah, baby! Myself, The Suniverse and Martha are going to compare prison tats - it's gonna to be very. <-- See? Even my Heathers' quotes are coming out, proof that I'm, well, this...
I'm only going for the Friday of the conference but I cannot wait to meet so many of you for some quickies! Over the last couple years, I practically feel like I know you anyway, but it's always cool to get that in-person experience. Like the late great Dicky Fox said, "The key to this business is personal relationships." Yes, Dicky, I totally agree with you.
So tomorrow, I'm off to get some treats that my fabulous local Love Shop are donating to me to take to the conference. It won't technically be sponsorship material (which is a no-no) since it's only to promote my blog, so shhhhhh. Said treats will also come with one of my limited edition magnets. Yay!
 |
| Le magnet: It's attractive |
And no, I haven't had sex this week, because... MERCHANDISING.
I have started a list on The Twitter for people that are also going to BlogHer, so if you're reading this and I haven't added you, please tell me!
On a side note, I realize how motherfucking annoying it can get for people that aren't at the conference to hear about all the shit - that was me for the last 2 years, actually. It's not out of jealously, but constantly hearing about an event/party that you weren't at is just simply irritating. I will keep that in mind while I tweet and blog cautiously at grotesquely inflated roaming rates while I'm in Amurrrica.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Farrah, please step forward!
You need to email/DM me your deets so I can send you THE CERVIXENS t-shirt that you won!
Congrats - please wear your honorary Cervixen top with pride... especially when you're maybe not wearing a bra, but that is totally just a suggestion.
Ahem.
Mar 19, 2012
5 Ways to Improve Your Blog
Alternate title: Blog formats that annoys the living fuck out of me.
I don't often go on about blog layouts because I understand that it's not something that comes naturally to most people and it can be a very difficult thing to learn. I have been designing and coding websites for over a decade, so I think I know a thing or two - but even still, word press and blogger can have me up at 4am trying to figure out some ridiculous motherfucking glitch.
Apart from the golden rule that applies to most things: Keep It Simple, Stupid (or KISS), there are a few things that I think are design NO-NOs which are all easily avoidable. Please, for the love of all your readers, abide by them. OK? Thanks.
1. COLOR
It is so important when choosing a look and feel for your blog. I don't care if your absolute background is piss yellow with poo brown smeared all over it (obviously, that wouldn't look pretty, but stay with me here), it is the color combination of your body copy background and your text that is key. There is a reason why most books are black text on white paper - because it's EASY TO READ. Some might seem OK for short lines or words, but for paragraph after paragraph, it can be straining on the eyes - even white on black can get annoying.
Here's a diagram that you won't see in any web design text books (because it's just too awesome).
2. FONT
I'll be honest here and say that if a blog has a funky font for the body of copy, 9 times out of 10, I will leave (the exception being an added photo of a questionable nature that would make me stay for a perv). Stick to the standards - again, because they are proven to be the easiest to read. If your default font is not on this list, the odds are that it's probably obnoxious. Sorry, but it's likely the case.
3. ALIGNMENT
When buttons and ads are wider than the column that they are residing in. UGH.
OK, so this might be a bit trickier to fix for the non-coder, but I'll try to make it really simple.
4. BLOG ANIMATION
If your blog is snowing, I will not ever, ever return to your blog.
Not ever.
Not even in July.
Whomever created that code needs to be strung up by his short and curlies and whipped with a dead fish.
Anyone who uses that code should be made to eat that fish after the beating is complete.
5. DON'T TRY TOO HARD
Don't try to make your blog look like Martha Stewart because the more crap you put on it, it will look more like Anna Nicole Smith, (either alive or dead). Referring back to my first point, just keep it simple. If you don't know how to do something, ASK! Putting up something that doesn't work or looks like shit doesn't reflect well on you and will take away from your writing. Twitter is awesome for this too. There's tons of people that would be willing to help you out with an issue or two; all you have to do is ask.
Remember, as much as some want to deny it, for the most part, and for whatever many different reasons we do it, blogging is a hobby. And just like any other hobby, it can cost a few dollars here and there. If you're willing to spend $100 on a purse that you probably don't need, invest that money into your blog instead and get it done by a professional. It will be worth every penny.
If you don't have cash to put towards your blog, just use a basic, clean template. Easy peasy!
And after all, at the end of the day, it's about what you write, so write well and enjoy your blog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This (belated) post is for The Great Blogging Anniversary Linkup in honor of my dear bloggy friend Sweaty. Congrats on your first year - I know it's not been an easy ride.
![]()
I don't often go on about blog layouts because I understand that it's not something that comes naturally to most people and it can be a very difficult thing to learn. I have been designing and coding websites for over a decade, so I think I know a thing or two - but even still, word press and blogger can have me up at 4am trying to figure out some ridiculous motherfucking glitch.
Apart from the golden rule that applies to most things: Keep It Simple, Stupid (or KISS), there are a few things that I think are design NO-NOs which are all easily avoidable. Please, for the love of all your readers, abide by them. OK? Thanks.
1. COLOR
It is so important when choosing a look and feel for your blog. I don't care if your absolute background is piss yellow with poo brown smeared all over it (obviously, that wouldn't look pretty, but stay with me here), it is the color combination of your body copy background and your text that is key. There is a reason why most books are black text on white paper - because it's EASY TO READ. Some might seem OK for short lines or words, but for paragraph after paragraph, it can be straining on the eyes - even white on black can get annoying.
Here's a diagram that you won't see in any web design text books (because it's just too awesome).
2. FONT
I'll be honest here and say that if a blog has a funky font for the body of copy, 9 times out of 10, I will leave (the exception being an added photo of a questionable nature that would make me stay for a perv). Stick to the standards - again, because they are proven to be the easiest to read. If your default font is not on this list, the odds are that it's probably obnoxious. Sorry, but it's likely the case.
3. ALIGNMENT
When buttons and ads are wider than the column that they are residing in. UGH.
OK, so this might be a bit trickier to fix for the non-coder, but I'll try to make it really simple.
- Turn on the HTML view of your widget.
- Find the dimensions in the <img> code. It will look like this: width="250px" height="250px"
- As long as you keep the ratio of the dimensions the same when you shrink it, it will still look OK, so change it to width="200px" height="200px" (or smaller if you find it's still over-lapping).
4. BLOG ANIMATION
If your blog is snowing, I will not ever, ever return to your blog.
Not ever.
Not even in July.
Whomever created that code needs to be strung up by his short and curlies and whipped with a dead fish.
Anyone who uses that code should be made to eat that fish after the beating is complete.
5. DON'T TRY TOO HARD
Don't try to make your blog look like Martha Stewart because the more crap you put on it, it will look more like Anna Nicole Smith, (either alive or dead). Referring back to my first point, just keep it simple. If you don't know how to do something, ASK! Putting up something that doesn't work or looks like shit doesn't reflect well on you and will take away from your writing. Twitter is awesome for this too. There's tons of people that would be willing to help you out with an issue or two; all you have to do is ask.
Remember, as much as some want to deny it, for the most part, and for whatever many different reasons we do it, blogging is a hobby. And just like any other hobby, it can cost a few dollars here and there. If you're willing to spend $100 on a purse that you probably don't need, invest that money into your blog instead and get it done by a professional. It will be worth every penny.
If you don't have cash to put towards your blog, just use a basic, clean template. Easy peasy!
And after all, at the end of the day, it's about what you write, so write well and enjoy your blog.
"It is a piece of shit. But don't worry, I don't even have a piece of shit; I have to envy yours."
~ Ferris Bueller
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This (belated) post is for The Great Blogging Anniversary Linkup in honor of my dear bloggy friend Sweaty. Congrats on your first year - I know it's not been an easy ride.
Mar 5, 2012
There's shit going on, yo!
I don't often do these "lots of shit in one post", but it's about that time again. Why? Because I've got lots to tell you. Little things that all make up one nicely wrapped post, like a delicious buffet, but without the salmonella, so even better!
On Thursday, I had my first post published over at In The Powder Room. It's good times over there - I highly recommend you check it out. Did I mention I'm discussing penises? Oh yes, how could I forget. I thought it was fitting for my initiation post. Ahem.
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Secondly, I had a little link up last month. It really started out as a joke, so the fact that I actually got ANYONE to link up means I consider it a success.
It was in retaliation to all the annoying NoBloPoMo or whatthefuckever was riddled all over The Twitter for the entire month of November where you have to write a certain quota of words toward a novel (or some shit like that, I tried to tune it out). Anything where you're filling a quota of some sort that involves creativity really gets on my nerves. So, I had my fellow (awesomely warped) bloggers to link up for WWTFIFLF; definition on the badge. --->>
Anyhoozle, guess what? I can pick my nose and I can pick a winner, but sadly, I can't pick my winner's nose... which SUCKS, because I would be honored to pick Jill's nose. Wait, whut? She did enter twice, so maybe that improved her odds.
Congrats, Jillsmo!
Visit my shop and tell me what the fuck you want and it's yours. YAY! Please try to contain your excitement to the end of the show. Thanks.
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I also got a book in the mail last week. You may have heard of her - Scary Mommy? Oh, hell yes! I haven't had time to read it from cover to cover, but I have cracked the spine to read confessions such as:
"My kids know all the words to every Eminem CD."
"My kid was imitating me today. 'Slap my ass,' she yelled, and I suddenly realized I didn't imagine the figure in the doorway last night as my husband and I did the deed. OMG"
"My husband says I am his best friend...I love him, but friendship-wise, he doesn't even make my top-ten list."
And it goes on. It's so fabulous. I cannot wait until I can get all the voices in my head to stop screaming for a few hours so I can actually read it properly.
Thanks, Jill.
a.k.a. Scary Mommy
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And finally, I've been meaning to post these for a while now, so I'm taking this opportunity to showcase them all at once. Whether you know already or not, I am a graphic designer. From 9-5 my job can be tedious as fuck, so I enjoy doing weird (often fantastically nerdy) designs for t-shirts, among other projects. I do have my shop, but those designs are directly relating to whoring out this blog. I have a few more general blog/social media designs that I give to Tim over at Sogeshirts. If you like any of them, please go have a visit and check out what he's got (which is a lot).
Here is a sampling of the ones I have done:
So, please go visit In the Powder Room and Sogeshirts, and tell them I sent you!
~ Love and smooches ~
Feb 20, 2012
I cannie believe it!
Ooooh, Gerard. You sure know how to talk to this lady.
And I accept.
Thank you, everyone that had come and gone, come and stayed, or just come --
all because of the smut vomit I have produced over the past 300 posts. Thank you, thank you.
I'd like to think I've written some good shit and that it has become a lot better since post #1, but on a purely superficial level, here are my top 3 "Fuck yeah" moments thus far.
3. When I randomly wrote a post about one of my favorite movies and the band that did the soundtrack to it. About a week later, I got a huge comment from THE MOTHER FUCKING LEAD SINGER. That was pretty fantastic. Yay, Amanda Kravat. You are wonderful! Her songs have meant so much to me for a very long time and still get me through rough times even today.
2. When I wrote a fictional post about Jeremy London because he's great jokes on Twitter, and I finally convinced him to take a photo for me saying that he loves Cunt Dragons. How much did my heart soar? Through the gawd damn roof, bitches!
1. I wrote and directed a music video based on stories that I have written for this blog. Did you hear? Oh, yeah... just in case I haven't whored it out enough. Because, really, how much whoring IS enough? It's really a grey area...
Jul 1, 2011
Jun 3, 2011
And I Keep On Trucking
So... yes! It's now definitely been one year since I began this whole blog journey. I haven't really kept track - mainly because I didn't know it would be important. (And don't ask about just checking my earliest post date because thanks to my O.C.D., I re-arranged and fucked all those up ages ago.) It's been a fantastic ride so far - with only isolated incidences of turbulence. It really has taken on a life of its own - something that I never expected. Nor did I ever think I would gain such amazing, funny and loyal readers.
I didn't do any research before I began. I didn't know about subscribers, linkys, memes, or any of that shit.
I began this blog, originally, for two reasons.
ONE: To have a place where women could share their embarrassing stories from when they were growing up - so other young women could read it and perhaps not feel so alone and not thinking that they were the only ones going through all this insanity. Even though I had a great relationship with my mother and also had close friends, I still often felt very lonely with all the things that were happening to my body, and to my sex life - both of which were foreign and bizarre.
And...
TWO: To get my damn book done. It's been in pieces for the most part of a decade now, but finally, after this year, I've managed to get it into 185 pages ofsemi cohesive prose, so far. Yay!
Here's the catch for the first point, however... I couldn't for the life of me get anyone to contribute their stories. It was like I was asking for kidney donations - so I had to write all my own stories and experiences, almost exclusively. The up side to that was, as it turns out, I'm a fucking head-case with a couple affairs of my heart that I need to seriously work through. Perhaps I'll never really "work through" them, per se, but at least here I can express my love, my loss and my secret desires.
I've only managed to publicly upset and piss off ONE out of 87,683 views. Yes, it was a big one, but still, the odds are definitely in my favor - wouldn't you think? My nausea has finally subsided over the whole thing, and that right there is cause to celebrate, if for no other reason but that one.
Another added bonus is that I can also demonstrate both my juvenile humor and quasi-explicit adventures that I quickly have become known for. What can I say? I've done my mother proud, twofold.
If you are a new reader, HELLO THERE!
Here are a few highlights from this past year that I feel are a good well-rounded reflection of what I'm all about, what I'm trying to express, and what lengths I'll stoop to in order to makemyself you laugh and/or cry at my idiosyncratic musings.
How the drama all began. He's Totally The One
Agent! Where's my agent? The Teddy Bear Diva
The screenplay in progress; how I got my name. A Promise to Keep
I guess the writing was on the wall, really. My First Dildo
Hello. My name is Lady E and I have adult acne. Pizza Face with Extra Bitch
I'm a Cunt Dragon. Didn't You Know?
A splash of crime, music and sex to finish off the day. Jane Stole My Addiction
YES -- YOU!
*muah*
I didn't do any research before I began. I didn't know about subscribers, linkys, memes, or any of that shit.
I began this blog, originally, for two reasons.
ONE: To have a place where women could share their embarrassing stories from when they were growing up - so other young women could read it and perhaps not feel so alone and not thinking that they were the only ones going through all this insanity. Even though I had a great relationship with my mother and also had close friends, I still often felt very lonely with all the things that were happening to my body, and to my sex life - both of which were foreign and bizarre.
And...
TWO: To get my damn book done. It's been in pieces for the most part of a decade now, but finally, after this year, I've managed to get it into 185 pages of
Here's the catch for the first point, however... I couldn't for the life of me get anyone to contribute their stories. It was like I was asking for kidney donations - so I had to write all my own stories and experiences, almost exclusively. The up side to that was, as it turns out, I'm a fucking head-case with a couple affairs of my heart that I need to seriously work through. Perhaps I'll never really "work through" them, per se, but at least here I can express my love, my loss and my secret desires.
I've only managed to publicly upset and piss off ONE out of 87,683 views. Yes, it was a big one, but still, the odds are definitely in my favor - wouldn't you think? My nausea has finally subsided over the whole thing, and that right there is cause to celebrate, if for no other reason but that one.
Another added bonus is that I can also demonstrate both my juvenile humor and quasi-explicit adventures that I quickly have become known for. What can I say? I've done my mother proud, twofold.
If you are a new reader, HELLO THERE!
Here are a few highlights from this past year that I feel are a good well-rounded reflection of what I'm all about, what I'm trying to express, and what lengths I'll stoop to in order to make
How the drama all began. He's Totally The One
Agent! Where's my agent? The Teddy Bear Diva
The screenplay in progress; how I got my name. A Promise to Keep
I guess the writing was on the wall, really. My First Dildo
Hello. My name is Lady E and I have adult acne. Pizza Face with Extra Bitch
I'm a Cunt Dragon. Didn't You Know?
A splash of crime, music and sex to finish off the day. Jane Stole My Addiction
THANK YOU FOR READING, TRULY!
Here's to another fabulous year of stories, sex, stupidity
and as always... my shame.
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