Mar 28, 2013

So this happened . . .

"Honey, check out the hot deals on the end cap shelf there."

*wink wink*

Husband: "Ohh, ribbed for her pleasure. And on clearance! Sweet."

"For that price, we should probably buy them, ya know, to test them out."

H: "Yeah. That's totally the reason . . . for the greater good."

"Well, it might be a good idea anyway. With me not working, it'd be the absolute worst time for us to have an 'accident', ya know what I mean?"

H: "Fine. Good point. Very good point."

--- Later that evening ---

H: "Here. You can put it on."

"Awesome. I love when you talk dirty to me."

"Oh my god. I feel as if I haven't done this in a decade."

H: "Yep. It's been about that long!"

"I feel like a teenager!"

H: "Oh yeah. I always forget about your slutty high school years."

"This, as you're trying to get me to put a condom on your cock? I love you, baby."

H: "Uh huh."

"Ohh, I remembered to leave room at the tip!"

--- A couple minutes later ---

H: "Am I in?"


H: "I can't feel anything."

*pound pound*

"Anything? You're pounding just fine."

*pound pound*

H: "Do you feel the ribbing?"

*pound pound*

"Umm. Nope."

*pound pound*

"Are you going to be able to finish if you can't feel it?"

*pound pound*

H: "Oh yeah. I'm close."

"But you can't even feel anything? Life is tough for you, babe. Humm."

*pound pound*

H: "Here I come!"

*rolls over*

"Here's a tissue for that ribbed disappointment . . . where is it?"

H: "Ugh. I dunno."


H: "Oops."

*I fished the condom out of my hoohaa*

"It was unsatisfying for both of us, kind of, and didn't even work as birth control?! Well that was fun."

H: "Meh."

"I want a do over. Soon."

*he reaches over and hands me my toy.*


Mar 20, 2013

Amurikan Food

I've been wanting to compile these since I got back, but I've been otherwise indisposed -- all will be made clear soon enough, I promise. Aside from the outrageous pro-gun, anti-abortion, anti-Obama billboards that accosted my eyes for the majority of the trip, there were some strange food-related things that I witnessed that I wanted to share . . . especially if you happened to miss them on The Twitter.
Seriously, Ernie. You might very well be dirty, but don't mention that in the title of your restaurant; just a thought, purely from a marketing perspective.
I would have LOVED to be a fly on the wall for that family discussion: "Greek food!" "Porn!" "No, Greek food!" "How about both?" "Humm, okay."
This still confuses me, but apparently it's a Pennsylvania thing?
Ew. They should call them Squirrel Testicles, because if they were warm and mushy, it's kind of what I would think I'm eating. Peanuts are meant to be either crunchy or smooth as hell in a PP&J sandwich; there is no in between.
I would have thought when I said, "Hold the chives" that it was a hint to my waiter that I was NOT expecting marshmallows on my potato, but no. I still dry wretch when I think about it.

On a positive note, I did eat at an iHop for the first time during this trip. I had pancakes that were drizzled with the cinnamon filling AND the cream cheese icing from a Cinnabon roll. Are you freaking kidding me? It was goddamn divine. Myself and my newly formed triple chin thank you.

What foods in other countries (or your own) do you find awesome, bizarre, hilarious or just plain disgusting?

Mar 15, 2013

America Saves Poor Little Veronica Mars!

It's truly a heartwarming thing when a nation rallies together to rapidly raise $1 million dollars for a movie about a girl who's . . .

dying of cancer

orphaned from tragedy

impoverished but had a cute YouTube video

ooohhh, that's right . . . Veronica Mars is a fictional character from a mildly amusing TV show played by Kristen Bell . . . who could have easily either self-funded the movie or had no problem finding Hollywood funding with those oddly inset eyes and that million dollar smile of hers.

It's so refreshing to see a "fundraiser" as important as the making of a Hollywood movie go so extremely well, and so quickly when it's endorsed by celebrities. I am amazed, for real. Especially when small, "faceless" organizations all over the world are screaming for donations for, ohh, I don't know . . . let's say arts education, abused woman & children's safe houses, foster programs, Cancer & HIV research and treatments, disaster relief, etc, etc.

It's awesome to see that America has its priorities straight.

Congratulations on reaching $1 million of every day people's dollars to create a movie that will earn you at least 50 times that amount. Then, those same donors will pay you a second time when they then go see the movie in theatre. I assume you have every single donor's contact details so you can repay them, and at least double their contribution as a token of your gratitude . . .
because you'll totally be doing that, RIGHT?

Mar 11, 2013

5 Reasons Why Soap Opera Pregnancies Suck

It's no secret that one of my many vices, (after chocolate, cheese and cunnilingus) is my addiction to soap operas. As I'm vegging out on the couch during my currently very stress-filled life, I watch all these women (and often girls) go through these tumultuous pregnancies -- I mean, really -- has there ever been a full term pregnancy go by on a daytime show that was uneventful? Preposterous!

And we thought we had issues? I guess it could always be worse . . . like, soap opera worse.

5. Your pregnancy is high risk because a few years back you got shot in the Fallopian tube & the very fact that you conceived is nothing short of a daytime miracle. You lose it anyway and feel you should make the most of it, so you throw yourself down the stairs and blame it on that bitch that you hate so she can be charged with murder.

4. You have your entire pregnancy in hiding & let no one know about it because the father of the baby is a guy who is a crime boss that you just so happened to shoot in the head a while back. He must have managed to let that little detail slide and decided you two needed to have sex . . . obvs!

3. You're rushed in with premature contractions, get drugged and have your baby taken right out of your womb. Then, when you come to, you're told that your baby was still born and are handed the ashes, all the while your actual baby is fine and healthy and has been given to someone else to raise.

2. You actually lost the baby but in order to hang on to your man, you get various sizes of fake baby bumps and try to pretend that you're still pregnant, while plotting to steal someone else's baby. You get around the whole intimacy thing by telling him that due to the "high risk" nature of the pregnancy, no intimacy whatsoever is allowed. Baby kicks? Fuck that. Stay away from ma' fake belly!

1. You have sex with two different men within 48 hours and end up falling pregnant with twins that have different fathers. Shut up! My twins were apparently conceived 3 days apart, so it could, like, totally happen.