One Slippery Winner!

The results are in! Thank you so much to everyone that entered my slippery giveaway! It was so much fun -- both reviewing it AND checking out all the entries. I remember reading this particular entry and thinking, "What a cheeky, lazy bitch." And when I called her on it on the Twitter, this is how it went down . . .

@ladyestrogen I can't believe you expect ANYONE to count all that. Come on.
— Rebecca(@ManicMamaG) April 16, 2013

So needless to say, when I went on my trusty Rafflecopter app (which is pretty easy to use, btw) and chose a random winner FOR MY MOST AWESOMEST CONTEST EVER, which was Rebecca's entry (out of 118 possibilities), I laughed my fucking ass off.

Congratulations, you damn underachiever!

And by the way, the answer was 12, including the subject line. Here's a nerdy little secret to these types of questions -- just hit Ctrl + F and enter the word; it will give you the answer instantly. Because really, I wasn't going to count them manually either. Heh.

Thanks again to everyone that entered!

Hopefully, my sponsor was blown away with my amazing review & will continue to send me a plethora of goodies for me to share with all of you. Ahem.

x

Lube Me Up, Buttercup!

Hoe-lee-shit. This marks my 400th post and never in a million years, if 399 posts ago you were to tell me that by this time I would be pregnant and testing lube . . . and at the same time . . . I'd call you a dirty fucking liar. But here I am, up the duff and getting my husband to spread heat-inducing lube all over my pleasure zones.

This is technically a sponsored post by Trojan, since I got all the lube for free, but, umm... FREE LUBE, PEOPLE. Plus, since it's my 400th post, I feel like celebrating and I'm giving away probably thee best prize package that I've EVER had on my site. Again, thanks to Trojan, because when I got their package in the mail, it was huge, first of all. And I couldn't figure out why, but then I opened it and it has not only 3 boxes of lube in it, but a purple sexy satin body wrap. I was impressed! Needless to say, I took one look at the robe and saw that it would likely wrap 1 of my thighs . . . maybe. But the kind gesture will not go unfulfilled, because it will also be a part of the fabulous lube inspired giveaway! Umm, yes!

Now, firstly, I need to admit that among all my weird and wonderful sexcapades, I've NEVER used lube before. It could be the fact that the mere mention of sex turns me on like a cool faucet on a hot summer's day; or it could be because I've always been too fucking cheap to spend $20 on these products, even though I've always been curious about them. If it's solely the later reason, I would like to go back and bitch slap that cheap ass woman and buy it. It's worth it. Every penny.

I tried out 2 of the 3 varieties I was sent, which seems to have done me more than enough favors, so I kept the 3rd bottle unopened to contribute towards the giveaway. I splooged out some "Arouses & Intensifies" while my hubs cracked into the "Tingly Warmth" lube. They are both slightly similar, but in the best way possible. What I mean is that I get warm when I'm aroused anyway, so they were both winners.

If you were a fly in the room, you would have heard things like, "Hey, I could probably get my whole hand up there with this lube!"

To which you also would have heard, "OIYE! Let's leave the fisting up to the professionals!" 

But seriously, it is quite effective as far as greasing up the runway goes. Hand jobs are also waaaay easier with lube. Just sayin'.

And yet, it's not actually "greasy" at all. I was impressed with how it didn't make me feel disgusting afterwards -- something that I guess I always assumed when thinking about lube.

My ultimate opinion about these products can be spelled out in one simple phrase: I climaxed during actual intercourse. I don't know about you, but the last time THAT happened for me was somewhere around 2011.

So, thank you, Trojan! 
(Which actually sounds a little weird when I say that since I'm pregnant, come to think of it . . . but whatever ;)

And since I'm in such a goddamn awesome mood, I'm also including a double bullet with dual remote control into the prize package, courtesy of Eden Fantasys.

Behold. All of this could be yours . . .

RIGHT? I'm pretty excited about this prize so I hope some of you are as well.
I'm also trying out Rafflecopter for this contest -- high tech shiz, I know. Please use it and enter so I can keep track of crap and be all official. YAHOO!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Because who doesn't love dirty words?

I've only been home with the boys for one week . . . five damn days . . . and I'm already sinking deeper into my shameful, juvenile self-amusement to help pass the time. Don't get me wrong, it's been amazing not being in a RUSH to get anywhere, but of course, I have my moments.

Like this one - since apparently, I cannot be trusted with alphabet beads - I thought I might as well share my warped, yet satisfying word making joy with the rest of you! (And yes, Bearded Iris, I thought of you most of all. And that's why we're friends.)

So here's the deal: There are TEN dirty words in this jumble. THIS IS NOT A FUCKING WORD SEARCH. It's just all the letters of 10 words jumbled together in a hot mess; there are no extra decoy letters, I promise. Get it? Good.

I will give one hint: DOUCHEBAG is not one of the words.

The convenient thing is that just a short while ago, I received TWO copies of Michelle Rumball's new album with a personal "thank you" from her and I'd been meaning to figure out how I was going to give them away. Who's Michelle Rumball, you ask? Remember when I did that video a while back? That's the musician and yes, THAT song is on the album. She's pretty fantastic! If you enjoyed the video, you'll love the album!

So, those are the prizes; and I have twoooo. Enter your 10 word guesses in the comments -- two people who get them all right (or the closest to getting them all right) will get sent this fabulous CD.

Forgot the song? Oooh, here it is . . . (cough, cough, self promotion, cough, cough)

And yes, I was doing all this while the boys were making "I LOVE GRANDMA" bracelets. 

I realize I'm a horrible mother, whatever. 

They can't read yet! 

Ahem.

Craft Whores, Of Course

Here we go, people! It's time to link up your Craft Whore creations (from now until September 20th). Check out The Suniverse and The Bearded Iris for all the juicy details on the prizes and who are the highly esteemed judges. Well, they are definitely esteemed, still not 100% sure about the high part, but nevertheless, they agreed to do it.

One of the only best things about being an art teacher was having my own dark room and kiln. I was sad to say goodbye to all that free access and almost unlimited state-funded supplies when I left the teaching profession, but there you have it. Then, about 6 months ago, I made a new friend... I mean, an IN REAL LIFE friend, you guys! I know it's hard to believe but it totally happened. PLUS, she's a potter, with her own shop, studio, kiln -- the motherfucking works!

She's like a friend with benefits, 

but in a clay way, not in a gay way.*

Between my new found friendship with ceramic perks and this upcoming crafting challenge, I decided I'd through my hat back into the pottery game and make some vagina candle holders. Why candle holders, you ask? Because I remembered these wise words:

So, of course I'm going to make special vagina candle holders! It's one of my most favorite analogies, thus making my choice fairly easy, once I really thought about it.

Look! It's like she's glowing... 

Not surprisingly, they were quite enjoyable to make and pending that these beautiful little bitches survive the final glazing process, they will be all smooth and shiny! Since I hand sculpt them (and being true to life), no two will be exactly a like. Ahem.

I have offered one of these up for a prize in this fabulous contest. Plus, if you want to buy one completely apart from the contest, please leave a comment below or send me an email and I will make more and hook you up.

Remember, Christmas is coming, yo!

Nothing says that you care quite like a vagina candle holder.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
* Flight of the Concords joke. If you haven't seen this, please do - right here, now. GO!
OK, maybe leave a comment first, but then go.

Smurfs & Mormons Beware

It was a full moon this weekend; no big deal. It was also a BLUE moon, which is kind of a big deal, so I'm sure somewhere some Smurf enthusiasts are all soaking their little tighty whities. The fucking Smurfs. Have you seeeeen that movie? Anyways, I have always found it fascinating that the lunar cycle has the ability to affect us one way or another... especially us ladies, uterinally speaking, of course... because this happened...

I don't know if it was a combination of all things lunar, or because I've been playing way too much Words With Friends with Brandon, or even whether it was just a simple case of eating an unnatural amount of pistachios on Saturday night, but whatever the reason, I had a seriously fucked up dream that I need to share with you:

I was 19. I was at a gas station that looked like somewhere right out of 1980's middle America. It was dusty and dry. There was a young teen girl in a bland cotton dress being mildly harassed by the gas station attendant, and even though I couldn't quite make out their argument, I briskly walked over to defend the girl since she appeared to be on the verge of crying. The misunderstanding wasn't explained but I went into the service booth with the scruffy attendant that was wearing a jumpsuit that hadn't looked like it had been washed in a month.

We didn't even talk about the girl. He whipped out a huge water bong and asked me if I wanted a hit. I was impressed at the contraption and said, "Sure." So we were there, the two of us, hot boxing the booth while the girl stood on the curb stared at me with her admiring doe eyes, which were slightly glazed over and puffy from stress and fighting back tears.

Then, the guy told me to take the bong, which transformed into an electric scooter! He quickly showed me how I could ride it and then dismount to take a hit, and then continue riding again.

I left with my new scooter bong and the girl was relieved to see me, as if I had saved her from something I still wasn't quite sure of. She invited me to come stay with her family, and being curious and a little stoned, I agreed. When we arrived at her house, it was made very obvious to me that it was a polygamist Mormon family compound... and there were many, many, many children. Most of them all carried a strong family resemblance, particularly in their noses and chins.

There were about 16 that immediately and overly-enthusiastically came up to greet me, kind of like the end scene in Temple of Doom when all the kids are running towards their parents. Without even thinking, I transformed my scooter and taught all these kids how to smoke weed from the water bong.

Every sibling over the age of 14 was now high. I didn't give any to the younger ones, because apparently, even in my dreams, my anti-morals have limitations. Then the father rang some kind of obnoxious bell to round up everyone for a teaching session. Giggling, we all stumbled in, myself included. We entered a fairly large classroom full of desks and chairs. The room quickly filled with both boys and girls of all ages; the girls were dressed like Mennonites and the boys like a stereotypical Missionaries with black pants and white shirts. At every work-space sat a very sleek computer. After some brief introductions and minimal instructions from their father, he left the room. I then spoke out and asked about the "bullshit parental controls" on these computers. They said it was protect their innocence.

I said, "Well, just Google key image words like 'pretty holly' and 'sweet candy' to get around those filters and they could check out some fairly good boob shots; maybe even some bush!"

I was sitting in the far back row beside one of the eldest sons, who looked to be about 22 and was one of the better looking of the brothers. We flirted instantly and while the two of us were testing out different words to surf for online porn, I unzipped his black pleated cotton trousers and gave him a hand job.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

And all this is why I cannot be trusted, even in a subconscious world far, far away.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And since I mentioned The Suniverse today, her and The Bearded Iris are having an awesome contest called Craft Whores.

Intrigued yet? 

Damn right, you should be! Click on one of their links for the details. I'm too much of a lazy bitch to steal re-write all their hard work. Basically, make crafty shit that is good n' whorish & then link up to win. YAY!!

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Thanks to my supportive husband, (and I'm actually not even being a smarmy bitch when I say that... this time!) we will be driving down to NYC on August 2nd. Why is that, you ask? Ohh, because I'm going to go to my first BlogHer event and chill out with Martha Stewart. Yeah, baby! Myself, The Suniverse and Martha are going to compare prison tats - it's gonna to be very. <-- See? Even my Heathers' quotes are coming out, proof that I'm, well, this...

I'm only going for the Friday of the conference but I cannot wait to meet so many of you for some quickies! Over the last couple years, I practically feel like I know you anyway, but it's always cool to get that in-person experience. Like the late great Dicky Fox said, "The key to this business is personal relationships." Yes, Dicky, I totally agree with you.

So tomorrow, I'm off to get some treats that my fabulous local Love Shop are donating to me to take to the conference. It won't technically be sponsorship material (which is a no-no) since it's only to promote my blog, so shhhhhh. Said treats will also come with one of my limited edition magnets. Yay! 

Le magnet: It's attractive

And no, I haven't had sex this week, because... MERCHANDISING.

I have started a list on The Twitter for people that are also going to BlogHer, so if you're reading this and I haven't added you, please tell me!

On a side note, I realize how motherfucking annoying it can get for people that aren't at the conference to hear about all the shit - that was me for the last 2 years, actually. It's not out of jealously, but constantly hearing about an event/party that you weren't at is just simply irritating. I will keep that in mind while I tweet and blog cautiously at grotesquely inflated roaming rates while I'm in Amurrrica.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Farrah, please step forward! 

You need to email/DM me your deets so I can send you THE CERVIXENS t-shirt that you won!

Congrats - please wear your honorary Cervixen top with pride... especially when you're maybe not wearing a bra, but that is totally just a suggestion. 

Ahem.

I will soon be rolling in it...

Whoa! I just got back from three long-ass fucking days away with the family. (I realize if I dashed that differently, it would have been "three long ass-fucking days", but that is just to illustrate to everyone just how squirrelly my brain is right now.)

Plus, I don't do that, remember? 
Ahem.

So, last week my grandmother called me to tell me she had some money for me. She said it was specifically to be used for gardening supplies. Before she went into the retirement home, I would go to their home every May long weekend and help do all their spring planting. Yes, yes, aren't I a sweet granddaughter? Please try not to gag on all my sugar, okay?

I'm not a complete selfish bitch and I didn't go "just" because she mentioned money - although I'm sure I'd run faster if it was dangled in front of me with a fishing rod. Forget the damn carrot! I went to visit because it was Mother's Day as well, so I was multitasking.

And here's the money I got...

Not. Fucking. Kidding.

Did you count it? It's Nine dollars...

AND TWO PENCE.

I can't make shit up like that even if I tried. Comedy gold. Screw gardening! I'm going to keep this for the boys' college fund. Isn't copper in demand these days?

Anyhow, thanks Grandma. You always know just what I need.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also, if you like jewellery (or have a special someone who does) stop by Multitasking Mumma to enter a contest to win some FROM ME. That's right... you heard me! I've been making some pendants and earrings along with a friend of mine, because apparently I need MORE to do with my time.

CHECK IT OUT! I MADE IT ESPECIALLY FOR YOU BLOGOPHILES :)

xox

Got Brand?

UnMarketing

On Friday, I was off to see John Morgan and Scott Stratten speak about branding and marketing while whoring their books -- which was totally cool, because if John's book, Brand Against the Machine, is even half as good as Scott's UnMarketing, then they are worth all the whoring possible.

I will passively harass Scott over on The Twitter every now and then, so I was looking forward to meeting him in person. He was a lot more tattooed than I pictured... but then again, I was probably rounder, so it's all good.

I should also remind everyone that I have severe A.D.D. and I slept through most of University (Slide shows in the dark every morning for 3 hours? I mean, come on!), so I am happy to report that both speakers have a fantastic stage presence and their points were clear and concise. I openly admit that I also do not read a whole hell of a lot and I told Scott that his book was the first that I had read since Harry Potter - which is the truth. And now that I have John Morgan's book, it shall be next.

I'm not going to divulge into their messages and opinions on Farmville, Angry Birds, Pinterest or Happy Cracks (don't ask)... but I will say that if you are interested in marketing, social media and/or branding strategies, these guys know their shit and they share their experiences with humor and sincerity, and delivered their explanations and visuals without any douchebagery.  

And yes, Scott, you can testimonial the fuck outta that quote.

I will share three tidbits that I learned - and of course, as soon as I got home, I went to test two of them out. Although I do not do Pinterest WHATSOFUCKINGEVER, there's a little trick that you can do to see if anything from your own site has ever been pinned. If you type in the address http://pinterest.com/sources/*your-url-dot-com* you can learn this information, just like this...

YAY! 3 people loved me enough to pin me. Thank you, @Talk2Q, @VBinCatalunya and @JenAnnHall for pinning me! I feel honored AND slightly violated at the same time... but I like it.

I'm still not going to do Pinterest.

Secondly, I logged on to TweetStats.com and (after quite a waiting queue) I got some alarming stats about how much I am on The Twitter. Apparently, a whole fucking lot! I effortlessly tweet over FOUR HUNDRED TIMES A DAY - I honestly estimated in my head about 60-100 before I got the results. I was more shocked at this then when I was told my actual daily calorie intake.

-------------------------------------------------------

REVISION: Turns out, I should have read the fucking chart before I freaked out - this is a TOTAL, showing my trending days on when I tweet the most. THANK FUCK. I really couldn't figure out how I tweeted 400 in a day. In actuality, my average is 56 tweets per day/ 1075 per month. Yeah! I'm not a complete loser, just a dumb blonde. *cough*

--------------------------------------------------------

My ONLY consolation is that 73.83% of my tweets are replies - which, according to Scott - is a good thing because I'm being social, not a soap-boxing prick. Mmmm, okay. I guess I can live with that.

And finally, I learned one last notable thing that I will share with everyone...

John Morgan: Size Matters

Well... maybe not learned per se, but rather reiterated.

Ahem.

Great job, gentlemen, truly. I didn't even yawn once, for realzies.

I have a special copy of "THE REVISED VERSION" of UnMarketing for one of my lucky commenters. It's special because it has a very spectacular message signed in person by Scott, just for the lucky winner!

So. Fucking. Awesome.

And Scott! Next time, I'm thinking more like The Thirsty Penguin, mmmk? Cheers.

Platypi out of nowhere!

Here's the thing - work is disgusting at the moment. I've been walking around in a fog for the past 3 weeks. Once tax season is over, I might be able to function vaguely like a normal person. I'm going to take this opportunity to share some drawings that a "friend" of mine has done. She usually does characters and books for the kidlets, but she also creates ones for the mature grown-ups, such as us... right? Ahem.

Here are my Top Ten characters - I hope you enjoy as much as I do! 

Here's the catch - list all 10 names (or as many as you can) in the comments and you will be entered to win a customized cartoon made for you, or a loved one - whatever you choose. It can be as cute & innocent or as kinky as you like - the sky's the limit, or at least, what she can be bothered trying to draw, but... pretty much anything.

Yay! So fun! 

Good luck, bitches ;)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've also been interviewed In The Powderroom today! Check it out, if you want to know more about me. 

(I know, it's a hard sell, but hey, I thought I'd put it out there anyway.) x

Don't Realize, Sanitize!

First off, I did a deep and meaningful post over at Sweaty Writes yesterday: Realizations are the worst! I bared a little bit of my soul and explained why I'm pretty much expecting for my hair to start falling out shortly. I still tried to drop in a light jab here and there, but it's what I'm going through right now -- all laid out on the table. Ugh, indeed.

------------------------------------

Now on to the fun shit that SOME people have been pestering me about. Geesh, I do have a full time job, ya know. I can't sit around all day and make jewellery and depraved hand sanitizer jokes. Oh, wait... never mind.

In all honesty, I could have done every submission with pleasure, but I don't have THAT much time. Here are the TOP FIVE that made me laugh out loud. And then I used my "extensive" skills to interpret them into hypothetical products... and I laughed some more. Thank you to everyone that submitted an idea! And a huge thank you to Foxy for being an honorary guest judge. Yay!

And the grand prize winner is...

Magicial Mystical Mimi

And yes, that is a drawing of a bunch of women in heels all with their panties around their ankles. 

Don't ask; just thank Google. 

Magicial Mystical Mimi, please email or DM me your addy so I can send you your mental health package. 

I truly hope you enjoy your chill pills. YAY!

Effective Marketing? Heck, yes!

It's often the little details in life that make us the most happy, and today was one of those days. 

Why? Because I found these in a hidden gem of a local shop. 

Yes, probably.

If I had one, I sure would!

Well, fuck. That just goes without saying.

OK. HOW AWESOME ARE THOSE? I know you can pick up 5 bottles of generic hand sanitizer for a buck, but my gawd, the packaging makes it almost worth the 400% mark-up. I am, however, a cheap ass motherfucker, so I didn't buy them. I thought my stealth photography was enough.

BUT I DID BUY THESE. 

I consider them a package deal - a crazy mental health package, if you may.

There's an "I'm savin' up for some therapy!" bank, a "Happy Mood" supplies box,

and the pièce de résistance? CHILL PILLS. These may just be the best ice cubes ever! 

Can you just imagine having these floating in your booze while you drink your worries away? 

Just me? Doubt it.

And that is why I'm giving this mental health package away! 

Leave your best idea to continue this hand sanitizer series in the comments.

Foxy over at Fox in the City is going to be my honorary co-judge, so it won't be entirely biased. Yay! 

I hope to get some good ones - and I'll use my deviant photoshoppin' skills to create the best ones.

Come on - I know you're thinking of one right now...

There's shit going on, yo!

I don't often do these "lots of shit in one post", but it's about that time again. Why? Because I've got lots to tell you. Little things that all make up one nicely wrapped post, like a delicious buffet, but without the salmonella, so even better!


On Thursday, I had my first post published over at In The Powder Room. It's good times over there - I highly recommend you check it out. Did I mention I'm discussing penises? Oh yes, how could I forget. I thought it was fitting for my initiation post. Ahem.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Secondly, I had a little link up last month. It really started out as a joke, so the fact that I actually got ANYONE to link up means I consider it a success.

It was in retaliation to all the annoying NoBloPoMo or whatthefuckever was riddled all over The Twitter for the entire month of November where you have to write a certain quota of words toward a novel (or some shit like that, I tried to tune it out). Anything where you're filling a quota of some sort that involves creativity really gets on my nerves. So, I had my fellow (awesomely warped) bloggers to link up for WWTFIFLF; definition on the badge. --->>

Anyhoozle, guess what? I can pick my nose and I can pick a winner, but sadly, I can't pick my winner's nose... which SUCKS, because I would be honored to pick Jill's nose. Wait, whut? She did enter twice, so maybe that improved her odds.

Congrats, Jillsmo! 

Visit my shop and tell me what the fuck you want and it's yours. YAY! Please try to contain your excitement to the end of the show. Thanks.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I also got a book in the mail last week. You may have heard of her - Scary Mommy? Oh, hell yes! I haven't had time to read it from cover to cover, but I have cracked the spine to read confessions such as:
"My kids know all the words to every Eminem CD."
"My kid was imitating me today. 'Slap my ass,' she yelled, and I suddenly realized I didn't imagine the figure in the doorway last night as my husband and I did the deed. OMG"
"My husband says I am his best friend...I love him, but friendship-wise, he doesn't even make my top-ten list."

And it goes on. It's so fabulous. I cannot wait until I can get all the voices in my head to stop screaming for a few hours so I can actually read it properly.

Thanks, Jill.
a.k.a. Scary Mommy

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


And finally, I've been meaning to post these for a while now, so I'm taking this opportunity to showcase them all at once. Whether you know already or not, I am a graphic designer. From 9-5 my job can be tedious as fuck, so I enjoy doing weird (often fantastically nerdy) designs for t-shirts, among other projects. I do have my shop, but those designs are directly relating to whoring out this blog. I have a few more general blog/social media designs that I give to Tim over at Sogeshirts. If you like any of them, please go have a visit and check out what he's got (which is a lot).

Here is a sampling of the ones I have done:

So, please go visit In the Powder Room and Sogeshirts, and tell them I sent you!

~ Love and smooches ~

Happier than a pig in...

SHEEEE-IT!
Today is 11.11.11. 

(Not to be confused with the American way of writing it, 11.11.11. Pssfft!) 

The O.C.D. in me is so happy that I can barely find the words to express myself. Fuck it. I'm going to get someone else to demonstrate for me instead. Perhaps... maybe... The Animated Woman? Oh yes, that's much better. SWEET!

Spectacular, right?! Yes, I'm THAT happy. Next year's 12.12.12 will be the last one of the century - if you want to put it into perspective that way. And if I don't get laid on THAT day, there's going to be some serious repercussions. 

I'm in such a generous mood that I'm giving away not one but TWO things from my shop to a couple of lucky, lucky ladies 

from yesterday's post. Comment #5 was by the Sarcasm Goddess and #14 was Sweaty. Yay!

My two gracious winners both chose the Cunt Dragon mug. Big surprise? Not really - it is rather fantastic.

The best part is that they would both like to say a few words upon accepting these ceramic masterpieces.

Sarcasm Goddess

Wow. This is incredible. Please bear with me as I try to gather my thoughts. I have dreamed of this day – the day I would win The Cunt Dragon Mug – ever since I was a wee girl. Finally, it has arrived.

The road here wasn’t an easy one. I’ve inspected a lot of vomit over the years, and while it sounds really glamorous, it wasn’t always as sexy as it sounds. But I never gave up. How could I? There were Cunt Dragon mugs to be won.

I would like to thank my mother, who taught me that anything is possible, as long as you set your mind to achieving it. My dogs, who always kept me in tip-top vomit-inspecting shape by puking all over the house at least once a week. My husband, who has always supported my dreams, even when others said the Great and Glorious Cunt Dragon Mug was unattainable. Some even said the Mug was a myth.

Well look who’s laughing now, bitches.

I, of course, have to thank the vomit, hundreds upon thousands of piles of it. I am grateful for vasectomies and the men who get them and the children who vomit about them.

And lastly, above all else I have to thank the Queen of Cunt Dragons herself, the one, the only, the incomparable Lady E. You have made all my dreams come true and I will love you til the day I die.

With Sincerest Gratitude,

Sarcasm Goddess

Do Sweat the Small Stuff

I could count with my middle finger how many times I have won something in my life--yep, not a lot. So it was to my utter delight when I received an email from my FAVORITE blogger of ALL time, Lady Estrogen, informing me that I, Sweaty, have in fact hit the jackpot and won this really awesome guessing contest she had recently.

Lady E's son obviously had inherited her f*cking brilliant mind, because during a recent bout of sickness, he barfed Alphagetti all over my FAVORITE blogger of ALL time (Lady E, that is) and sent forth a set of letters that spelled "vasectomy" on the carpet. Oh my gosh, how f*cking brilliant was THAT?!? Truly, it was a MIRACLE! Such a rare occurrence unbeknownst to me or should I say, mankind!

Have I mentioned that my FAVORITE blogger of ALL time, Lady E, is also generous and kind? So I wasn't surprised that she offered her followers a chance to win one of her ORIGINAL, one-of-a-kind Estro-goodies by guessing what the regurgitated word was. And so I did! And I won! I won, I won, I WON!!!

So here it is, my humble acceptance speech. Pledging my lifelong loyalty to my FAVORITE blogger of ALL time, Lady E, for proving once again that she is AWESOME, BRILLIANT, ORIGINAL... (even if she does not own a metal pet named Rihanna. Oops, was that supposed to be a secret, Lady E?). OK, I'll stop now. But not before I say it once again, that Lady E is my FAVORITE blogger of ALL time.

Love,
Sweaty

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My pleasure, ladies! Thank you for the flattering acceptance speeches :)
I love how Sweaty censored her "fucks" - so adorable! Ha. 
Your mugs are on their way.

Last year, I did a Remembrance Day tribute in honor of my grandfather. Always in my heart, today and forever.

Have a great weekend everyone!

De Heinz Intervention

You know what's worse than one sick child? Two sick children. I know I rarely make it a point to discuss "mother" crap on my blog, but FUCK ME. I can only be barfed on so many times before I begin to feel like a fraternity gang rape victim.

I sent out this tweet yesterday:

It was a reasonable success; appreciated by many.

Here's the catch.

If you remember what it spelled, everyone that mentions it in their comment will be entered to

win something from my shop -- your pick! Cunt dragon mug, Trooper t-shirt, Bajino Poster, you decide.

If you need help, here's the proof. See if you can make out what it spells:

"De Heinz Intervention"

The Innocent Can Never Last

Yay!! Pamela got her Cunt Dragon mug last week for being such an awesome fan/supporter/reader/friend - as well as a lucky bitch, since it was a random draw. It was so damn meant to be, for sure!

I know Ms. Gold wasn't an ivory flower went we met, but I'll like to think that I've further assisted with her travels towards the path of down and dirty. And if anyone gives her shit about that mug at work, she can blame it all on me - I'm cool with that.

And if you have the desire and the means, I highly recommend picking up your own Cunt Dragon mug.
Yes, I have no shame - you should know that by now, yo!

Then, this weekend I got this tweet from CrazyLadyX5 and it truly moved me that I have affected people in such a way that my very being can be synonymous with giggly immature sex jokes involving the number 69. Oh, how proud I am, I can't even begin to measure it with words. No, no, thank you, Crazy Lady for letting me know!

And finally, because it is Monday and I haven't done a Monday Music Moves Me for a couple weeks, here is one I just had to throw into the mix. Not only does it fit with the Military theme for today, but oh my God, it's an epic one. Firstly, Green Day. I don't even need to say more on that point. Secondly, Jamie Bell! Little Billy Elliot all grown up and hormonal. I love it! Thirdly, this is more like a short rather than a music video - it's full of teen angst drama, which is, of course, my very favorite type of bread and butter. Perhaps it's just me, but I can't watch this video without being reduced to a blubbering mess. Come back, Jamie! I love you!