I Wank for Red Bank!

Ever since the first time (and subsequently the 1000th time) that I watched Clerks, Chasing Amy, Dogma and Jersey Girl Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back Clerks 2), I knew that one day I would have to make the trip down to Red Bank, New Jersey.

We first punched in the address from Manhattan, NYC to the Quick Stop in Leonardo, New Jersey and off we went. Since I was still suffering from a moderate hangover from BlogHer, I slept most of the way. As we finally approached this View Askew landmark, even my husband said he got half a stock. Sweet!

I bought a Starbucks iced mocha and some mints. The cash register was the same one and when it "chu-chu-chinged" I was pretty fulfilled, both spiritually and emotionally.

It is currently a vacant shop where the video store was during Clerks. This graffiti was on the window, which I felt was quite appropriate since it gave me an excuse to yell, "BUNCH OF SAVAGES IN THIS TOWN!"

There wasn't much point in hanging around, so off we went to Red Bank to shop at Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash. Seriously, is this how kids feel when they go to Disney World? Because I was so fucking giddy that I was probably a bit out of control... especially when we crossed the street and saw this sign in the front window...

So, this one was done with a marker and not shoe polish, but it's still awesome nevertheless. 

Then we went inside and immediately got ignored by Walt. It was like being with family!

Ahhh, Brodie. Remember when Jason Lee was a hot piece of ass? 

Before he had a son and named him Pilot Inspektor? (Shaking my head) Yes, back then! Yum.

When I saw this sign on the wall, I yelled, "Your mother's a tracer!" 

and my husband side stepped away and pretended like he didn't know me.

In the very back of the shop, the life sized Buddy Christ stood reverently behind glass. 

It's probably the only Jesus statue I have wanted to kneel before in about 2 decades.

It's all about the details: I saw this at the bottom of Buddy Christ and laughed... very loudly.

And this poster? By fuck, I want it. I had a Catholicism WOW! t-shirt (and a mini Buddy Christ) when Dogma was first released, but this is so much better than that. Also, posters are one size fits all, and that works in my favor too.

I did manage to get the Leonardo t-shirt that I was hoping for, as well as a Leonardo dancing bear sticker for my car. 

I think my husband enjoyed being dragged along too, if for no other reason that to witness his wife behaving like a ridiculous awe-struck adolescent.

But all gawking aside, seriously, Kevin -- 

you, me and Lauren Collins need to get shit sorted out for the Last Scion idea that I have, for real.

Have your people call my people. I'm on The Twitter.

Nooch.

Let's get political, shall we?

It's very rare that I get political on my blog, mainly because Canadian politics is about exciting as watching two snails fuck. But hey there, I just spent 5 days in the great land to the south, which was more than long enough to be exposed and affected by the looming presidential campaign.

While we were driving down the I-whatevernumber highway, there were actually a few moments when I wasn't asleep in the passenger seat. Call it a messed up case of serendipity, because during one of those times, we passed a billboard that looked like this...

The. Fuck.

I winced and let out a moan so horrific that my husband jumped a little in his seat thinking that I was about to shit out a demon.

(Just a short while ago, I remember that Lost in Idaho spotted this billboard WHICH WAS EVEN WORSE, but I didn't have the displeasure of witnessing that one first hand, thank gawd.)

I've pretty much exhausted my mind being angry/upset/heartbroken over this so I'm going to try to keep this fairly brief.

*clears throat*

THESE TWO ISSUES SHOULD NEVER BE ELECTION PLATFORMS. PERIOD.

Why do I even have to say this? The very fact that they are still "issues" are extremely upsetting to me to begin with. Unless you are actually gay or Pro-Choice (which obviously these billboards are NOT aimed towards), these issues do not affect the day-to-day well being of your family as American citizens whatsoever!

A president "SHOULD" be elected because they can improve and/or maintain your family's security, whether it be economically, socially, or otherwise.

Healthcare.
Employment.
National debt.
Foreign Policy (to an extent).
Education.
Social Security.
Gun control.

These are all valid electoral platforms.

Whether David and Mike (who have lived together across the street for over a decade) can legally get married, or whether 14 year old knocked up Nancy from next door is allowed to safely choose to stay pregnant or not... is... guess what? NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS. If Dave & Mike get hitched, or Nancy gets an abortion, be not afraid — the price of gas won't go up as a result of either events. Humm...

Source {ology.com}

I know I've said this on The Twitter a long time ago, and today I will say it again: I don't care if the leader of my country is a Pagan worshiping cross-dresser who likes to be choked a little bit whilst taking it up the ass, but if he/she can ensure my children have safe streets to play on, an affordable education and a roof over our heads, I don't given a flying fuck. Why? Because their personal opinions, tastes, preferences and desires are none of my business. And equally mine shouldn't be any of their concern either. It seems obvious enough to me, doesn't it?

I guess not.

I'm not even saying that you cannot have these opinions. You are entitled to your opinion, even if you're wrong. Ahem. You don't agree with gay marriage or abortion? Fine. But you cannot and must not dictate how someone else lives their life by forcing your opinion upon them. When this happens, basic human rights are forfeited and it ceases to be a free country.*

This is the year 20-motherfucking-12 and there's a chance the world could smash into a comet tomorrow anyway, so can everyone keep out of each other's personal business and elect a president for reasons that are actually relevant to successfully governing an entire country?

Thanks in advance,

Lady E


PS. Love your outlet malls.

PPS. I'd also like to note the sponsorship of that particular billboard, which I think The Bearded Iris might agree that it just twists the knife of this ridiculous message that much further, don't you think? Ugh.

*Please do not misconstrue this statement as an argument that can be used for gun control. No one has ever died because they accidentally jumped in front of a gay marriage.


//end rant.

The Quick & the Dread

A BlogHer '12 Experience

It was an early Friday morning and since I had not been partying the night before, I was there really early. This turned out to be a blessing, since one of the only people there earlier than me was Alexandra. It was calm and lovely and exactly how I prefer to talk with people - especially a person I admire just so damn much. Breakfast was relatively civilized and divine, while also meeting A Lady in France, Marinka, Two Busy, Avitable, Suniverse, Buried With Kids and many others.

Then, the chaos happened. In my brain.

Very quickly, thousands of women began filtering into the conference hall and my brain began to short circuit. I don't know if it was my ADD shifting into super-sonic bat crap crazy mode, but I was hearing every single conversational humm, squeal and laugh. I was on over-stimulation meltdown.

I found myself wandering around looking for people for a big chunk of the time. Because I was only there for the one day, I really wanted to meet everyone that I have grown to love so much, whether through this blog and/or The Twitter. Perhaps I tried too hard to achieve my goal, but I'm a gawd damn over-achiever, so because of that, I felt quite rushed and anxious for a big part of the day. Crap.

If I introduced myself by my alias, people would ask me, "Ahh, but what's your REAL name?" Then, if I introduced myself by my real name, people would ask, "Huh?" So that was an interesting social experiment. Lady Estrogen won out, for sure :)

And there was lunch. 

Saying that lunch was impressive would be an understatement, since The Next Martha totally went above and beyond with an amazing centerpiece. She over-achieved the FUCK outta me! Ever the gracious hostess, darling. Apart from that, I also got to briefly chat with Ooph, The Bitchin Wife, Ann Imig and Toy With Me (among others). Seriously, it's mostly a blur. I'm impressed that I have managed to remember this many people so far! Oooh, yeah... and Martha Stewart was FABULOUS. She really does have her perfectly groomed fingers into absolutely everything! I bow to her greatness.

Ahhh, yes. My special packages. After totally FREAKING out in New Jersey while I was stranded at a train station in 102 degree weather with 50 Lady Godiva chocolates in my suitcase, they miraculously all made it to BlogHer. I was so excited to give these to the wonderful ladies that I had met - it was the LEAST I could do to show my admiration to each and every one of you! I swear to god that I didn't have them with me when I saw Adam Avitable, so suck it! But I did have them when I got to ambush meet The Bearded Iris.

The "Sessions" were OK and although the premise behind them was great, the whole "Wait, you didn't sign up on this sheet first?" chaos was a bit intense. And it wasn't just me - there were a whole lotta newbie chickens bobbing around the corridors mumbling, "What the fuck's going on?" which was hilarious to watch and admittedly be a part of. Then I ditched and hung out with Suniverse, checked out some panels and we brought on the bitch, together. Wurd.

Then there were drinks.

Another personal highlight was just hanging out with The Animated Woman and chatting with booze being imbibed. Apart from gaining a true "IRL" friend, I also got this... which is by far the best swag I received:

My arms have never looked better! Snort. What is that I'm holding? That is the Trojan Pulse, which they were handing out like candy. Speaking of candy, did I mention MY package also had that too, because I'm a fucking marketing whore-slash-genius. Suck on THAT, Trojan!

I tried to stay for Listen to Your Mother "Open Mic" for a little while. After FINALLY meeting two of my heroes, Mama Kat and Scary Mommy, I couldn't stay much longer. There was no gong OR giant cane dragging people off stage if they went way (way, way) over their allotted 5 minutes. What the shit?! I wanted a gong; it needed a gong... at times.

And Sparklecorn happened.

Drinks being $13 a shot made having 8 drink tickets fan-fucking-tastic. Hello, New York City prices! The music was spot on - they soooo knew their target audience. It was like a high school dance party, but we didn't have to hid the alcohol in a flask down our pants. I finally got dance (to Vanilla Ice) with Mommy NaniBooboo. Whut, whut! And got some hugs from Michonblog, Tough Cookie Mom, The818, and Whatnowandwhy. And by 1 o'clock in the morning, I was spent!

To wrap this shit up -- 

All in all, it was a cool but busy time; I will indeed be going back next year. My main goal at BlogHer 2012 wasn't to get help with technical issues or re-fuel my blogging engines -- it was to meet people, but I ended up spending too much time trying to find them and not enough actually meeting them. I have posted the few photos I managed to get on my Facebook page. Check those out!

Because I was so fucking lost half the time, I still have 4 of my special packages left! It seems a shame to not give them away! If you were at BlogHer '12 and didn't manage to find me (or even if you weren't there and really want one), leave me a comment and we'll work something out.

5 Things for BlogHer 2013 in Chicago...

1. I will sit my fat ass at a centrally located numbered table and drink for 3 STRAIGHT HOURS. I so want to meet everyone, but I don't have it in me to play cat & mouse again next year -- it stressed me out beyond these words.

2. I will save up and go for the ENTIRE conference.

3. I WILL BE ON A PANEL. (Or at least, I will attempt to be more motivated to follow through with my application to be on a panel, now that I know what they're all about.)

4. Since it will not be my first one, I vow to be more relaxed, more happy-go-lucky... and probably much more intoxicated.

5. I will be designing a "Sausage Queen of Chicago" special edition Blogher'13 t-shirt, because HOLY SHIT, THAT'S SO DAMN HILARIOUSLY AWESOME.


************
I'm going to shamelessly quote Avitable's blurb right now:
I know I left out a lot of people in this post, but that’s because of me, not you – don’t hesitate to chime in in the comments and give me hell for forgetting you!
************

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Thanks to my supportive husband, (and I'm actually not even being a smarmy bitch when I say that... this time!) we will be driving down to NYC on August 2nd. Why is that, you ask? Ohh, because I'm going to go to my first BlogHer event and chill out with Martha Stewart. Yeah, baby! Myself, The Suniverse and Martha are going to compare prison tats - it's gonna to be very. <-- See? Even my Heathers' quotes are coming out, proof that I'm, well, this...

I'm only going for the Friday of the conference but I cannot wait to meet so many of you for some quickies! Over the last couple years, I practically feel like I know you anyway, but it's always cool to get that in-person experience. Like the late great Dicky Fox said, "The key to this business is personal relationships." Yes, Dicky, I totally agree with you.

So tomorrow, I'm off to get some treats that my fabulous local Love Shop are donating to me to take to the conference. It won't technically be sponsorship material (which is a no-no) since it's only to promote my blog, so shhhhhh. Said treats will also come with one of my limited edition magnets. Yay! 

Le magnet: It's attractive

And no, I haven't had sex this week, because... MERCHANDISING.

I have started a list on The Twitter for people that are also going to BlogHer, so if you're reading this and I haven't added you, please tell me!

On a side note, I realize how motherfucking annoying it can get for people that aren't at the conference to hear about all the shit - that was me for the last 2 years, actually. It's not out of jealously, but constantly hearing about an event/party that you weren't at is just simply irritating. I will keep that in mind while I tweet and blog cautiously at grotesquely inflated roaming rates while I'm in Amurrrica.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Farrah, please step forward! 

You need to email/DM me your deets so I can send you THE CERVIXENS t-shirt that you won!

Congrats - please wear your honorary Cervixen top with pride... especially when you're maybe not wearing a bra, but that is totally just a suggestion. 

Ahem.

My Seven Wonders

This week's prompt from Mama Kat's is to list Seven Wonders that I've seen with my own eyes. There are two very different ways I could take this, emotional experiences or geographical. Since traveling is very near and dear to my heart, I'm going to focus on geography... for the most part.

7. Seeing Les Demoiselles d'Avignon by Picasso at the MOMA in NYC actually reduced me to tears. It was one of the two most powerful artistic experiences of my life. I was with my "homo-hubby" who then claimed that I was the one being a drama queen. Sure, sure, my beloved poof -- Shut it!

6. Walking (slowly) up the Eiffel Tower because my then boyfriend, now husband, is terrified of heights. Lesson learned? Don't go when you're a student and save up for the god damn, motherfucking elevator. Aside from that, it was amazing to see all the iron work up close and the views of Paris were gorgeous.

5. Although not nearly as touristically (yeah, I think I just made up a word) famous as the Parthenon, when arriving at the Temple of Poseidon just outside of Athens, I knew I was somewhere special. Perhaps it was because it wasn't so over-run with people, or under intense restoration efforts, but those ivory columns overlooking the sea were simply incredible.

4. Although I actually found The Louvre to be pretty boring (how much Rococo art can one actually stomach, I mean, really?!), I then... THEN, I found the Musée d'Orsay, which is the home of many of Manet's works, including Olympia. Oh my darlings, I cannot express how much I love that painting. She's a sexy, scandalous bitch! Once again, tears.

Olympia {Source: Wikipedia}

3. Reaching the top of Ayers Rock was visually amazing and also an impressive accomplishment for me. I have short legs, and I really fucking hate climbing pretty much anything over a 10degree incline. At some points the angles were quite terrifying. Once you get there, the view from the top is surreal - looking out into the absolute flat nothingness of the outback.

2. The Melbourne Cricket Ground (MCG) is my Mecca. I can remember the smell of the crisp air and fresh grass; the sounds of the crowds cheering; and the tastes of fresh meat pies and warm jam donuts. It's the only place I've actually fell in love with a sport, and the city that holds its heart... and mine.

1. Going up to a small island in Georgian Bay where my father had written in giant letters his name and the year, 1968; he would have been 15 at the time, and it's one of only two things I've ever seen in his own handwriting (the other being a doodle on his school desk). I felt more close to him floating in a boat in front of that rock face than I ever have at his grave. It was faded by the sun and weather, but still clear enough to take my breath away.