Jan 14, 2011

Pizza Face With Extra Bitch

BWS tips button"Don't worry! Most teenagers go through it... you'll grow out of it."
I remember seeking solace in those words when I was a teenager, and now I despise them. I'm 32 and STILL popping zits and scraping off explosive puss from my mirror as a part of my nightly routine. AHHH!!

I am done with dermatologists. I have been on Amoxicillin, Erythromycin, Minocin, Minocycline, Tetracycline, Vitamin A Acid Cream, Stievamycin, Sulfonamide, and Isotretinoin or more commonly known as Accutane... 3 TIMES. Did you know there are now class action law suits against the makers of Accutane because of the long-term side effects? Yeah... awesome. I guess I should count my blessings that my children were not born with tails!

Oh, but according to Justin Beiber, Proactiv will solve all my problems! Not even fucking remotely close; I've tried that too. And Avril Lavigne? Don't even try to remind me how amazing the 3-step routine works for you; I don't want to hear it, especially from YOU!

I think it was in Eddie Murphy's Delirious that he said something like, "We don't ever grow out of acne, it just moves south to our asses!" Well... yes, actually, now that you mention it... but it didn't pack up and just move south; it's more like it had spread to my nether regions whilst maintaining real estate on my face and shoulders.

I had a cyst that impacted so badly on my groin that I had to have emergency surgery to remove it. Why don't you explain how Proactiv could have helped me outta THAT one, huh, Mrs. Katy Perry?

Every once and a while I get some know-it-all asshole that says to me, "It's all related to what you eat." It takes every fiber of my being not to stab that person to death with a fork.

So, here's to you!
Justin Beiber? Kiss my big white pimply ass!
Avril Lavigne? Lick my crusty mirror!
Katy Perry? Suck my pustules!
And Julianne Hough? Well.. I actually don't know who the hell you are, but I sure had fun drawing horns on you.

And to everyone who has always had perfect skin.... FUCK YOU TOO!!!


  1. Justin Beiber advertises zit cream, I am so glad I live in Spain and am spared this.

    My skin is a thousand times worse than it was when I was a teenager, it sucks big time.

  2. I'm loving the fangs on the last one! Lets add artist to your list of talents! LOL!:)

    Personally, I had the clearest and softest skin throughout my teen years, but IT hit me in my mid 20's! And really badly. To the point where my brother said "dude, thats skeevy!" Nice. LOL!

    I didnt do dermatologists or medical intervention because like with everything else, I tend to go the holistic route. But very much like you, it took every ounce of strength I had not to kick someone when they said it was related to my diet!!! Hello? I was a wellness coordinator, I ate REALLY well and I KNEW that wasnt the problem. Freakin know-it-alls!

    When I got to my wits end, I did order Proactiv and let me tell you it was a nightmare. I couldnt go out in the sun or my skin would burn for 3 days straight - red & raw! I live in Florida so that didnt work. I returned it after 2 weeks. Finally, I threw everything out, all my makeup & lotions & potions. I bought Burt's Bee's tomato soap & toner, and a high quality vial of melaleuca oil. After months & months of suffering, my acne was gone, completely, within a month! It doesnt work for everyone, I'm sure, but it worked for me and I havent had acne since, so I thought I'd share.

    BTW, thanks so much for coming by & commenting. Its taken me this long to get back here cuz not only am I having server problems, but my internet connection keeps crapping out on me. Super frustrating when one of my OCD things is having to have 1 post per day! I cant even log into my blog consistently. Grrr!

  3. @Sofia's Ideas Thanks. I'll check it out - my mom has been meaning to get me hooked up with a holistic someone or other too.

    AND, BTW, I have a degree in Fine Art and Post-Grad in Computer Multimedia - so I actually should have done MUCH better than these, but I thought I'd go 'old school' today. LOL.

  4. Bad news young lady it gets even worse when you get to my age...I never had any zits until I hit 48! Still your eyes get worse, you don't see them (the spots) and they give your overall skin a healthy reddish glow:)
    I love your blog. I found you from the Freakin'Friday hop where congratulations on being featured and have signed up to follow you. Anyone who can make me smile about zits has to be good fun.
    Please drop by and maybe follow if you fancy a laugh. I'd be delighted to welcome you.
    Happy zit squishing - I'm off to try and extract an ingrowing eyebrow!
    Warmest wishes
    Carol from www.facing50withhumour.blogspot.com
    - the blog that gives you laughter lines (and really awful tag lines!)

  5. I am 48 and still have bouts of it. If you find something that works, more power to you.

  6. HA HA HA !!!!

    The only thing that worked for me was my contraceptive pill and now I'm not allowed it any more - something about side affects linked to growing a 3rd head and a 0.000003% chance of something that I am yet to understand or find in google.

    Well excuse me Dr. I've got several of them throwing a swim party across my chest and something the size of jupiter and saturn on re-entry to my chin. It's hormonal, it's food, it's life well excuse me whilst I go stick my head in a tub of acid because it'll be less painful and probably more effective. Or I could just resort to the paper bag that I had to wear as a teenager. I feel your pain x

  7. I freaking LOVE this post!!! You are so funny! I feel the same way, I am 33 and I have been battling numerous skin problems for years, the ones on my face are really painful and more like little sores. I also have the nasty boils all the time down below. I blame it on me being a Scorpio since I read we are prone to postules - disgusting! I have also been to the dermatologist thousands of times and it doesn't help!! And...FINALLY I tried Proactiv it hurt and didn't work so they sent me the "sensitive formula" which also didn't work. Hate the commercials so much too!! Have a great weekend! You rock! :)

  8. I take all my beauty advice from Justin Bieber....doesn't everyone? Oh, btw...that pic of him is missing his horns.

  9. I dont understand why your hating on me? me and clear skinned self. I KIID!

    I get the least saisfying acne of all.. the bump that produces no puss.. theres no squeezing.. no release.. just a painful mountain on my face where all the stuff is stuck inside. It suckkies...

  10. I've still got the acne problem too, although I know its connected to my cycle.

    My big problem is the moles that cover my body. They are all smaller and flat, but I'm covered in them. I've only got a few on my face, but my chest and arms are like a human version of connect the dots. It sucks and there is no way I have found to cover them unless I wear turtlenecks and long sleeves. Not something I use much in Southern California!

    I'm a new follower from Eccentric Delirium's Freakin Friday Blog Hop and I see why you were the featured blog this week!

  11. Will all the love in my heart from an almost perfect skin (all my life) woman... F you too... :*

    Sadly, I am watching my teen son endure this. It's horrible!!! <> For him WHEN he does this it helps: Noxema follwed by sea breeze. Kept my skin nice as a teen. Nothing fancy, nothing expensive. Does not git rid of it ALL, but it does help.

  12. Me, I went through my entire jr/sr high existence with acne, thanks Parents for actively seeking help for me.

    My Daughter now has/had acne. I swept right past ProActiv (the shit sucks), and purchased SkinID. Worked like a charm and her acne was gone in about 3 weeks. I couldn't even believe it myself. I was going out on a limb purchasing shit off the TV.
    Comes with body treatment too, so her back and shoulders cleared up too.

    Great post by the way, love your blog!
    Your gorgeous and I love your tatts! I'm a new follower!! Found you through Rockin' Mama.


  13. I had some Bitch at the mall tell me that its because I don't use the makeup she was selling.

  14. I just recently found your blog and I love it! I too have tried it all, just recently I quit wasting my money on proactive because it doesn't work. Nothing does 100%. I am 30 with zits and gray hair...how freaking awesome, NOT! I just switched to the Clinique Acne Solutions and it seems to be working, as well as it can get anyways. Good luck on your pimple free quest!

  15. I come from a long line of bad skin, no ever told me I'd out grow ...cause they were still waiting.

    Did all the same crap as you...nothing worked. I did get a lot of improvement with a laser peel, now I get a monthly laser genesis. Not perfect skin but way better...no more cystic breakouts. But very expensive...I keep my face on lay-a-way.

    I'm out for a hop, come on by when you get a chance! http://closertolucy.blogspot.com

  16. Hiya! THanks for stopping by my blog and commenting! I'm 33 and still have acne problems, too. It gets especially bad around my time of the month. I hate it and it's embarrassing!! I thought I was supposed to grow out of it, too???? I always wondered if proactive worked, now I'm glad I never wasted money on it!


  17. Lucky for you, we get to share in each other's misery in this boat.

  18. wait...there's some kind of skin wash made by Lancome, which is the only thing that helped my husband's gorgeous cousin...will get back to you on this.

  19. i had good skin til i turned 30. then it was wham bam, bad skin ma'am! but thankfully, regardless of the awful commercials, proactive did the trick for me.
    when i was younger & did some modeling, we used to swear by visine for the redness & preperation H for the swelling. stinky, but effective.

  20. LMFAO! OMG...I love you!!

    I'm 31 and bitch all the time about this exact same topic. Someone lied to us..and I think we'll be in the nursing home playing connect the dots. I don't even try to tell my kids they'll grow out of it...no sense in giving them false hope!

    Love your blog!

  21. Love your blog... you're hilarious.
    I wanted to say thank you for stopping by my blog and commenting... I am now following and I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
    All the best,

  22. lmgdao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    love love love your blog!! omg!


  23. me too!! what's the deal?!! I never had zits before....blah!!

  24. I had terrible skin as a teen - I went on Roaccutane as a kid and it caused serious depression and not to mention a shit load of hideous side effects. I probably would have been better off with the acne!!
    I hear ya, lady!

  25. SERIOUSLY-- I think reading anything on here is now one of my favorite things!
    You are simply fabulous!!

  26. Coming through early on the blog hop, thanks for stopping by mine and leaving a comment. OK so I'm glad I'm not the only 33 year old still battling teenage acne. So now I get to look forward to getting zits AND wrinkles...ug.

  27. HA! Love your blog....you're flippin hilarious!
    I'm a new follower. I'm 38 and zit faced too....it sucks!!!


  28. I'm a new follower, found you the Sunday Blog Hop, please feel free sometime to stop by my blog, and link up to my Swimmin by Sunday Blog Hop to.

  29. Thanks for dropping by. I'm returning the follow and LOVING your style!

    Meara at Not Twenty-Seven Yet

  30. LOL..what a great post!!!
    I am your newest follower from the Wednesday Blog Hop and I am definetly looking forward to reading more. Its is nice to come across a site that is sarcastic and witty!

    Hopefully you can stop by and follow.

    Happy Tuesday!!!


  31. LOL...too frackin' funny~!!

    Greetings and salutations~!!

    GFC follow from It's Freakin' Friday Blog Hop *heavensent1*...ifn you have a moment, please stop by my place and have a look around ~ Mad Moose Mama ~ http://www.madmoosemama.blogspot.com ~ Have yourself a gloriously groovy Friday~!! Peaces...xoxo

  32. LOL. Well said. My zitty chin and back thank you for speaking on our behalf.

  33. I laughed my way through this, just so I wouldn't cry. Awesome. My feelings exactly.

    Perfect skinned people can suck it!

  34. SO EFFING TRUE!!!!!

    I can't decide whether to laugh or cry.

    My family forms a long line of women with adult acne, so my sister and I have decided we're essentially doomed.

    The only thing that seems to help a bit is regular exfoliation. And the best cleanser I've found is the cheapo Cetaphil stuff from the drugstore.

    Oh, the things we endure because of estrogen....


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.