A Whore Week

Well, here is another Friday that is about to pass this November, and I have to say that from my perspective this month is still kicking my ass. Last week, Thing 1 contracted impetigo, which is like the daycare version of herpes, as far as I'm concerned. Fucking disgusting germ factories, they are - the institutions and the little people inside them. But this all will soon be a distant memory, however, since they will be stopping daycare in a few short days. Why, you ask?

Ohh, because I lost my job. Ya know, no biggie . . .

I mean, holy motherfucking tripping balls.

I realize that it's nothing too huge in the grand scheme of things and that it happens to families every second of every day, but when it happens to you, it really does feel like a giant kick to your stomach.

Mortgage? Debt repayments? Car? Insurance? Groceries? TWO OF FUCKING EVERYTHING?

We were "just" scraping by and were counting down the days when the boys started "free" school in the fall. Well, didn't that grandiose plan just get flushed down the proverbial shitter? I've been employed continuously since my first job as a golf caddie when I was 12, so I'm not quite sure what to do about this whole "not having a job" thing.

I think I'm meant to cook, clean, take care of the child'ens, and shit, right?

Well, fuck me; that sucks.

I commend anyone that can stay home and happily raise their children, it's hard ass work. I know this, but I've also known that it's never been something I would be good at. I will admit that I love my kids the most when I only see them a limited number of house per day. I love working and creating - it is when I'm my best me. And that's the me that is the best me for my kids to have as a mom.

Does that make sense? I'm going to go ahead and assume you said, "Yes!"

And through fights with my work (who are trying to withhold pay that I've earned), to ruining relationships over a decade old, to realizing we'll have to be eating a lot of 27¢ packets of instant noodles for dinner and could very well lose our home, and my son's face is peeling off into crusty bits, I'm trying to focus on the fact that it's all superficial shit at the end of the day. We'll bounce back, eventually.

And maybe I'll get ripped off for the ump-teenth time by the same douche muppet.
And perhaps we'll have to get a different address.
And I'm sure that Thing 1 will survive.

But my friend around the corner is dying.

So yes, I had a fucktastic week that proceeded to bend me over and ram a fat one up me, but it could be worse. It can always be worse.

"Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas." (Metatron, Dogma)

Yup, it's about that time, folks.

Cheers!

I Wank for Red Bank!

Ever since the first time (and subsequently the 1000th time) that I watched Clerks, Chasing Amy, Dogma and Jersey Girl Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back Clerks 2), I knew that one day I would have to make the trip down to Red Bank, New Jersey.

We first punched in the address from Manhattan, NYC to the Quick Stop in Leonardo, New Jersey and off we went. Since I was still suffering from a moderate hangover from BlogHer, I slept most of the way. As we finally approached this View Askew landmark, even my husband said he got half a stock. Sweet!

I bought a Starbucks iced mocha and some mints. The cash register was the same one and when it "chu-chu-chinged" I was pretty fulfilled, both spiritually and emotionally.

It is currently a vacant shop where the video store was during Clerks. This graffiti was on the window, which I felt was quite appropriate since it gave me an excuse to yell, "BUNCH OF SAVAGES IN THIS TOWN!"

There wasn't much point in hanging around, so off we went to Red Bank to shop at Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash. Seriously, is this how kids feel when they go to Disney World? Because I was so fucking giddy that I was probably a bit out of control... especially when we crossed the street and saw this sign in the front window...

So, this one was done with a marker and not shoe polish, but it's still awesome nevertheless. 

Then we went inside and immediately got ignored by Walt. It was like being with family!

Ahhh, Brodie. Remember when Jason Lee was a hot piece of ass? 

Before he had a son and named him Pilot Inspektor? (Shaking my head) Yes, back then! Yum.

When I saw this sign on the wall, I yelled, "Your mother's a tracer!" 

and my husband side stepped away and pretended like he didn't know me.

In the very back of the shop, the life sized Buddy Christ stood reverently behind glass. 

It's probably the only Jesus statue I have wanted to kneel before in about 2 decades.

It's all about the details: I saw this at the bottom of Buddy Christ and laughed... very loudly.

And this poster? By fuck, I want it. I had a Catholicism WOW! t-shirt (and a mini Buddy Christ) when Dogma was first released, but this is so much better than that. Also, posters are one size fits all, and that works in my favor too.

I did manage to get the Leonardo t-shirt that I was hoping for, as well as a Leonardo dancing bear sticker for my car. 

I think my husband enjoyed being dragged along too, if for no other reason that to witness his wife behaving like a ridiculous awe-struck adolescent.

But all gawking aside, seriously, Kevin -- 

you, me and Lauren Collins need to get shit sorted out for the Last Scion idea that I have, for real.

Have your people call my people. I'm on The Twitter.

Nooch.

Platypi out of nowhere!

Here's the thing - work is disgusting at the moment. I've been walking around in a fog for the past 3 weeks. Once tax season is over, I might be able to function vaguely like a normal person. I'm going to take this opportunity to share some drawings that a "friend" of mine has done. She usually does characters and books for the kidlets, but she also creates ones for the mature grown-ups, such as us... right? Ahem.

Here are my Top Ten characters - I hope you enjoy as much as I do! 

Here's the catch - list all 10 names (or as many as you can) in the comments and you will be entered to win a customized cartoon made for you, or a loved one - whatever you choose. It can be as cute & innocent or as kinky as you like - the sky's the limit, or at least, what she can be bothered trying to draw, but... pretty much anything.

Yay! So fun! 

Good luck, bitches ;)

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I've also been interviewed In The Powderroom today! Check it out, if you want to know more about me. 

(I know, it's a hard sell, but hey, I thought I'd put it out there anyway.) x

Easter is a Blast'phemous

I don't feel like Christians are self-deprecating enough, so I thought I would take it upon myself to level the playing field. Here's the thing you may (or may not) need to know about me - and that's although I do not go to Church, and I "apparently" partake in many less-than-God-like activities (however, I'm a firm believer that if he didn't want us to feel that good, he wouldn't have built us this way, but I digress.) I do, in fact, believe in God and that there was such a man as Jesus. I'm not afraid of what will happen to me for saying dumb things about him - I believe he's got a wicked sense of humor... I mean, just look at the platypus.*

I have always been good at history and mythology and after one full year of going to Church, I had learned all the stories down to the letter, so when it started over again, I was like, "Whoa. What's this... RE-RUNS?!" And it really annoyed me that the priest had to use a book to read from when I could recite it. Every year after just continually re-affirmed my boredom. Dude! I've heard this one!

I should also mention the whole hypocrisy of organized religion and the disgusting and ignorant things that are carried out 'in the name of religion', but that's a whole different beast. Just watch Dogma, really - and I'll put my giant ditto quotes around the entire underlying message of that movie.

Aaaaaanyhow, after a few of my special Holy Week tweets, I received this:

Really? I have no idea how someone could POSSIBLY make that assumption...

And it's totally true. Not only did my vibrator completely break (I do have back-up but if it were equally as efficient as my main one, it wouldn't be 'just' the back-up, now would it?) BUT ALSO, we spent 3 1/2 hours in the hospital on Easter Sunday getting a staple put in my son's head. 

I know there's some ironic comparison between getting stapled and the fact that it's Easter, but I'm so fucking tired that I'm hoping that merely suggesting it is sufficient enough.  

Sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrry, Jesus.

I realize it's not easy being holey. 

I mean holy.

Amen, bitches!

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* totally stole that from Kevin Smith. Whatever.