Savvy Suckers

My husband and I were watching TV (as usual) when one of my favourite cheesy commercials came on -- the Durex Savvy Lovers. Since according to the television people, I shave my hoo-haa, so therefore, I DESERVE the best sex ever. Well, doesn't that just go without saying?

Ahem.

Anyway, this time it aired — having been only 8 weeks since I gave birth and had my tubes tied (WOOT!) — I snorted and attempted to be funny by mocking them...

"Ha! They have to use condoms like suckers!"

My husband raised his eyebrows and rebutted with a tone of snark while he pointed to Little Miss Fussypants, who I was currently rocking on my chest...

"THEY ARE THE SUCKERS? ARE YOU SURE?"

Humfph.

Jerk.

The Michael Douglas Effect

I was going to write a long rant the other day about the idiocy that is Michael Douglas's claim about the origins of his throat cancer being linked to cunnilingus. (Like dudes need ANOTHER excuse not to go downtown. Gah.) Anyways, I decided I didn't want to waste my energy, so I drew this instead . . .

Lube Me Up, Buttercup!

Hoe-lee-shit. This marks my 400th post and never in a million years, if 399 posts ago you were to tell me that by this time I would be pregnant and testing lube . . . and at the same time . . . I'd call you a dirty fucking liar. But here I am, up the duff and getting my husband to spread heat-inducing lube all over my pleasure zones.

This is technically a sponsored post by Trojan, since I got all the lube for free, but, umm... FREE LUBE, PEOPLE. Plus, since it's my 400th post, I feel like celebrating and I'm giving away probably thee best prize package that I've EVER had on my site. Again, thanks to Trojan, because when I got their package in the mail, it was huge, first of all. And I couldn't figure out why, but then I opened it and it has not only 3 boxes of lube in it, but a purple sexy satin body wrap. I was impressed! Needless to say, I took one look at the robe and saw that it would likely wrap 1 of my thighs . . . maybe. But the kind gesture will not go unfulfilled, because it will also be a part of the fabulous lube inspired giveaway! Umm, yes!

Now, firstly, I need to admit that among all my weird and wonderful sexcapades, I've NEVER used lube before. It could be the fact that the mere mention of sex turns me on like a cool faucet on a hot summer's day; or it could be because I've always been too fucking cheap to spend $20 on these products, even though I've always been curious about them. If it's solely the later reason, I would like to go back and bitch slap that cheap ass woman and buy it. It's worth it. Every penny.

I tried out 2 of the 3 varieties I was sent, which seems to have done me more than enough favors, so I kept the 3rd bottle unopened to contribute towards the giveaway. I splooged out some "Arouses & Intensifies" while my hubs cracked into the "Tingly Warmth" lube. They are both slightly similar, but in the best way possible. What I mean is that I get warm when I'm aroused anyway, so they were both winners.

If you were a fly in the room, you would have heard things like, "Hey, I could probably get my whole hand up there with this lube!"

To which you also would have heard, "OIYE! Let's leave the fisting up to the professionals!" 

But seriously, it is quite effective as far as greasing up the runway goes. Hand jobs are also waaaay easier with lube. Just sayin'.

And yet, it's not actually "greasy" at all. I was impressed with how it didn't make me feel disgusting afterwards -- something that I guess I always assumed when thinking about lube.

My ultimate opinion about these products can be spelled out in one simple phrase: I climaxed during actual intercourse. I don't know about you, but the last time THAT happened for me was somewhere around 2011.

So, thank you, Trojan! 
(Which actually sounds a little weird when I say that since I'm pregnant, come to think of it . . . but whatever ;)

And since I'm in such a goddamn awesome mood, I'm also including a double bullet with dual remote control into the prize package, courtesy of Eden Fantasys.

Behold. All of this could be yours . . .

RIGHT? I'm pretty excited about this prize so I hope some of you are as well.
I'm also trying out Rafflecopter for this contest -- high tech shiz, I know. Please use it and enter so I can keep track of crap and be all official. YAHOO!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

So this happened . . .

"Honey, check out the hot deals on the end cap shelf there."

*wink wink*

Husband: "Ohh, ribbed for her pleasure. And on clearance! Sweet."

"For that price, we should probably buy them, ya know, to test them out."

H: "Yeah. That's totally the reason . . . for the greater good."

"Well, it might be a good idea anyway. With me not working, it'd be the absolute worst time for us to have an 'accident', ya know what I mean?"

H: "Fine. Good point. Very good point."


--- Later that evening ---


H: "Here. You can put it on."

"Awesome. I love when you talk dirty to me."

"Oh my god. I feel as if I haven't done this in a decade."

H: "Yep. It's been about that long!"

"I feel like a teenager!"

H: "Oh yeah. I always forget about your slutty high school years."

"This, as you're trying to get me to put a condom on your cock? I love you, baby."

H: "Uh huh."

"Ohh, I remembered to leave room at the tip!"


--- A couple minutes later ---


H: "Am I in?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ARE YOU IN? YES, YOU'RE IN."

H: "I can't feel anything."

*pound pound*

"Anything? You're pounding just fine."

*pound pound*

H: "Do you feel the ribbing?"

*pound pound*

"Umm. Nope."

*pound pound*

"Are you going to be able to finish if you can't feel it?"

*pound pound*

H: "Oh yeah. I'm close."

"But you can't even feel anything? Life is tough for you, babe. Humm."

*pound pound*

H: "Here I come!"

*rolls over*

"Here's a tissue for that ribbed disappointment . . . where is it?"

H: "Ugh. I dunno."

"YOU'RE MEANT TO HOLD ON TO IT WHEN YOU WITHDRAW."

H: "Oops."

*I fished the condom out of my hoohaa*

"It was unsatisfying for both of us, kind of, and didn't even work as birth control?! Well that was fun."

H: "Meh."

"I want a do over. Soon."

*he reaches over and hands me my toy.*

"Humph."

Chicken for the Tuna

Welcome to WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE? If you're just tuning in, people send in their problem (anonymous or whatever suits you) and I will do my best to answer in all my dysfunctional glory.

Dear Lady E,

I have always wanted to have a threesome/foursome/moresome. In my head it seems like one of the most exciting things my partner and I can do together. I have been with women before, and found it exciting, but always missing something. That something, of course, is the sausage. I am crazy about the sausage. I love to hit the sushi bar, but I truly miss the raw, unbridled power of the penis.

In the past, I have attempted a threesome with disastrous results. I had been with a woman several times, and the opportunity came up to be with her and her husband. We ran with it. The evening started out great, with drinks and laughs, but once the bedroom time began, the husband was strangely silent, and did everything he could to avoid eye contact. As a seasoned watcher of behavior, I knew right away that this wasn't good. Things never recovered from the initial awkwardness, and I left scarred forever. (Well, mostly). I was single then, so I had nothing to lose by trying it, but it was a pretty unsatisfying experience from my point of view, and I was left feeling very gun shy.

Fast forward a few years, and I have met and married the worlds greatest man, and am finally happy and secure in my life. I am completely fulfilled sexually, and know that my husband digs me above all others. I have 100% trust in him, and never for one second believe he would want to give up what we have together. We are both interested in experiencing a threesome to add another layer of intimacy and fun in our relationship.

Recently, a crazy opportunity presented itself. I was drinking with a very attractive, very sexy new friend who indicated that she hoped our first threesome experience involved her. (JAW DROP). This woman is beautiful, funny, quirky, fun, and generally way, way out of my league personally. I actually can't believe that she said it, and I'm 100% sure she's serious. This all could have gone down THAT NIGHT, but guess who chickened out and ran scared? Yep, me.

I don't know what the FUCK is wrong with me? I do want this. I do trust myself and my husband. I know he's not leaving me. I totally 'get' that this is a shared experience that will be fucking incredible. I WANT TO DO THIS!!!! Why can't I get the hell over my tendency to RUN?!?

Help me Lady E, before I fuck myself out of a sweet threesome opportunity!

Sincerely,

Chicken for the Tuna

---------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Chicken,

Ohh, Chicken, my dear. I know where you're coming from on this one all too well. I believe that much of our hesitations stem from our own insecurities about ourselves. I have no doubt that you do have a great relationship with your husband and have a genuine desire to share this sensual experience with him, and that's the first hurdle conquered!

Some people will get on their anally retentive high horses and judge, saying that if you're seeking a third that there is something wrong with your relationship, but that's bullshit. People can believe what they want, and we can ignore them profusely.

The one thing we must accept is that we're all strange creatures with varying levels of fuckedupness. To find 3 people that are all on the same level can be quite difficult -- if it was so easy, there'd be a lot more threesomes going on . . . probably. You need to shed that awkward experience you had in the past and realize that it had NOTHING to do with you. Obviously, that guy just wasn't on the same level as you and your lady friend. It does take a special guy that can step up and handle two women at once; I understand how it could be intimidating. Men LOVE the "idea" of having two women at once, but in reality, many of them would take one look and . . . sppppluuurt. (The sound of their brain popping, as well as some other fluids. Ahem.)

I believe we, as woman, are able to "handle" the situation much better, maybe because it's easier for us to contain our enthusiasm, but whatever; our hang ups are much more personal. Even women that appear to have the perfect body still hate something about themselves. Is this a good thing? Of course not, but I just thought I would point that out. If someone (man or woman) has expressed a sexual interest in you while you have your clothes on, it's pretty safe to say that they have a good understanding of what is underneath, bumps, stretchmarks and all. I mean, we aren't exactly freshmen and that's actually what makes us awesome! We know what's important by now, and what's not.

False expectations, silliness and idealizations are rookie mistakes. And we ain't rookies, baby!

It's actually less stressful with a married couple (that are happily secure with each other) rather than 3 singletons because there's no "What if he likes her more than me?" crap. Because, hello! We are female humans and that would totally happen. You already know he loves you more than anything, so relax and enjoy the dual pleasuring.

Going back to the varying levels analogy, just remember that it's NEVER personal. There's some people that will click and some that will not. Who cares! Move on and try again . . . or don't. It is not a big deal. I mean, look how long it took to find the GUY, amiright? Snort. When the timing is right AND the people are right, it will happen and it will be fabulous.

It will be just like watching a really fucking cool planetary alignment, you'll throw your head back and there will be lots of ahhhh's and ooooohhh's.

Good luck with your quest!

And if you ever want to do a trail run, I'll shoot you my number, I mean . . .

Never mind.


Love and smooches,
Lady E.


---------------------------------------------------------------

Have a question for me about life, love or sex? 
Let me impart my wisdom upon you. Submit here!

What's Your Damage? 2.0

Welcome to the very first edition to WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE? on this blog. I did a trial run over at Change The Topic and it seemed to have gone over pretty well, so here we all are on a brand new day and brand new issue. If you still have zero idea what the hell I'm talking about, basically, someone writes in their problem and I will do my best to answer using my plethora of bullshit knowledge about useless things.

Dear Lady E,

I have been married for 5 years, 5 months and with my husband for almost 8 years. We are best friends and very happy together and have a 3 year old son. I have a friend, a guy friend, who I've known for a little over five years. We've always been good friends but in the last several months I have developed a raging crush.

My husband knows how I feel and, honestly, he feels threatened because my guy friend and I would make a good couple if I were single and my husband is afraid I'm going to leave him for my friend. I'm not going to ever leave my husband but I have expressed a physical interest in my friend and my friend has expressed the same about me. My husband is an amazing man and has been very understanding of my... needs? desires? ... in the past. 

I made out with a good female friend a few months before my husband and I got married, and I also made out with a female acquaintance last New Year's. I understand his reticence and I also understand that my interest in a long-term male friend changes things quite a bit. But it still remains that my friend and I have feelings for each other. 

All 3 of us may be going to a party next month and it's pretty much a given that if he and I start drinking that something is going to happen. I'm not sure what to do but I am now dreaming about him and it's really on my mind. I really need any advice you can give me.

Sincerely,
Wanting all the Cake

----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Wanting,

Dooooode! The first thing I have to say after initially reading this is WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TELL YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT THIS CRUSH? I mean, perhaps some might applaud the honesty that you have with each other, but I'm going to have to side with my very wise mother on this one and say that they are just some things that are best left as secrets; secrets that are to be offered up as sacrifices to the "marital preservation gods". No matter how great we think our relationships are, everyone has insecurities . . . especially men. It's mostly because of their egos, but whereas men are almost "expected" to have a wandering eye over the years, if they see that their wives are viewing other men as being sexually desirable, it freaks them right the fuck out! Holy hell, I made the mistake about telling my husband about a man that I had a thing for (who is somewhat local and obtainable) and it still bothers him and it happened before-we-were-even-together. Imagine if I told him about all the guys that I've literally ached to take a ride on since we've been married? Forget about it. I'm just pretty damn proud of myself for always calling out the right name during sex. Ahem.

A woman's heart is as deep as an ocean, and many things should be left to lurk through the darkest depths, like sea cucumbers. But since that ship has long since sailed for you, these are a few scenarios that you need to work though and consider.

Scenario A
Your husband realizes that this is just an itch you must scratch and gives you a "hall pass". Afterwards, everyone is happy and you go about thriving in your marriage. Your husband will never carry resentment towards you and everything will be perfect. Also, ice cream now helps people lose weight and a cure for cancer has been discovered.

Scenario B
Your husband realizes that this is something you need but still wants to be a part of it, so he agrees to a threesome, having you in the middle of a handsome sandwich and your new nickname shall henceforth be Fingercuffs. Also, ice cream now helps people lose weight and a cure for cancer has been discovered.

Scenario C
You need to put your big girl panties on and have a serious soul search within yourself about what you want in your future. This is made much more complex since a child will also be affected by your decisions/actions. Is having sex with this other man more important than keeping your son's family together? I'm not even being facetious when I ask that. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it's no. There's a reason why over 50% of marriages end in divorce - they don't call it the "Seven Year Itch" for nothing - but you need to decide what is best for you. It seems like you do not want to leave your husband, so you're likely going to have to do what I do: Get a dildo and secretly name it after the other guy so you can scratch your itches that way. Maybe not seeing your friend quite as much would also help, which TRUST ME, when you have an addiction, it sucks trying to distance yourself from him, but it's really for the best - even if just for a little while. Marriage is (usually) for a long time and this probably won't be the only time something like this will happen, so you're going to have to learn how to deal with it when it does.

Also, if you're genuinely concerned that you won't be able to control your urges while you are drinking, there is really one easy solution to that - don't fucking drink. "But baby, I was drunk!" hasn't been allowed as a valid excuse for sexual indiscretions since your freshmen year at college (or your 21st birthday, whichever came first).

And on that note, I wish you all the very best in your itch scratching, however which way you choose to do it.

Love and smooches,
Lady E

Unfastened Friday 7.0

Nothing good ever happens after 2am

It was another regular Friday night for me, or so I thought. I came home after work, grabbed the keys to my car and headed to the beer store. After I picked up a couple of six packs, I came home and tossed them in the fridge to chill. My plan was to have a few beers, and then walk down the street and grab a few more beers over at the bar & casino.

And so I did. And I had a beer, and a second and a third. Actually, who am I kidding? I can't remember how many I had. After drinking alone, playing a few slots and losing all my money I stumbled out of the casino and started my walk home.

Somewhere along the way home, which is about a 5 minute walk (maybe 10 when intoxicated), I was stopped by this young guy with an accent who asked me what there is to do in this town. In hindsight, I realize what he was asking, even with his thick Scottish accent he was pretty transparent. We chatted for quite some time on the edge of the sidewalk. He told me that he was here to take up some good old Canadian hockey.

Picked the wrong year, mate, but whatever...

It didn't seem to bother me what gibberish he was on about because I was enjoying the chatting. I've been a little lonely, to say the least. I wonder if my loneliness was that obvious, or it could have been the alcohol on my breath. I must have asked him back to my house, I couldn't be sure... but I'm pretty sure. We went on the computer and he showed me where he was from, taught me a little about chewing tobacco and so on… it must have been 2am or later.

The computer? Seriously.

The bars were long closed but luckily I had some beer. I remember him asking me for scotch. (Is that what the Scottish drink?) Anyways, all I could offer him was beer or the bottle of champagne that had been in my fridge since New Year's Eve. He opened the bottle of champagne; the cork popped and we drank the whole bottle.

This is where I black out a bit a lot.

I remember giving him head in the shower. I remember being in my bed and in his Scottish accent, asking me, "Can I fock yeh in th'arse?" My response being a stupered, "You can try but I don't think it's gonna work out so well for you." I'm not exactly interested in the back door, to say the least.

I remember he said to me, "You have'nie had sex in ages, av' ya?"

Umm. That's not a good sign, or is it? I'm not sure anymore, really.

I woke up alone in my bed, hung over and in a panic; the repair man was coming over to fix the a/c any minute! I looked in the mirror, and what a fucking catastrophe -- makeup all smeared down my face, likely from the shower. Why it never occurred to me to wash my face while I was IN THE SHOWER? I don't know. Oh, dear. It was all a bit of a daze.

I frantically called my friend over to help hide/clean up the mess in my apartment and get me looking a little less "smacked around street walkerish", in a manner of words. Just as I washed my face and taken the bottles outside, there was a knock at the door, but I still couldn't find the condom evidence. I was sweating!

After the repair man left, my friend found the champagne cork... and the foil from the Trojan condom. What a good friend, right? Thank heavens, or so I thought. As a recap, in the span of 6 or so hours, I met some Scottish dude, screwed him and woke up in an empty bed covered in mascara. I was feeling a little ashamed of myself; not my best behaviour. I spent the entire day in bed due to being hung over, humiliated and mixed that with my on-going withdrawal symptoms of prescription drugs I had been on.

I am 34 years old. What the fuck? Hello there, mid life crisis. Oooh right, and it appears that my newly found crisis robbed the Scottish cradle, because since I've sobered up, I remember him telling me that he was 21... he very well could have been 18. Bloody hell.

WAIT. It gets classier...

I still wasn't feeling great by Tuesday so I went to the doctor's office. I gave him a urine sample and when he came back into my room, his exact words were, "Wow. That looks nasty. You should have come in sooner." Now I'm crossing my fingers and hope that the antibiotics don't make me nauseous or give me a yeast infection, but one things for certain — no more back door experiences EVER. It's just not worth any of it.

~Anonymous

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See? That was fun, wasn't it? Have your own UFF entry? Submit here. You can be 100% anonymous (even from moi) just don't even fill in the "FROM" field or email; it's totally up to you. Either way? DO IT... pretty please.

The Orgasm Bootcamp

OK, so I've been staying at my dear friend's place all week because of work shit, but since I was going to be staying, I thought as a hospitality gift, I would give her the gift that keeps on giving.

As I had mentioned a while back, I had my personal, umm, awakening last year, thanks to thee most beautiful piece of ergonomically crafted stainless steel that mankind has ever created.

Being the giving person that I am, I need to pass on this efficient knowledge that I have acquired; I feel it would be rather selfish of me to keep it to myself. So, I got out my dynamic duo of sex toys and sat down with my friend of 15 years. A friend, like many other women, is in her 30s and cannot give herself an orgasm. This isn't cool, especially when she's currently single.

Cue the smirks.
Ok, ok. Get out those giggles, woman. This is serious shit!

I was trying to channel my inner Sue motherfucking Johanson and do my very best "this is your vaginal canal with my hands" as I explained to her how to giver herself an orgasm with these special, special tools.

Warm up the steel with your hands a bit - it can be fairly cold to start.
You slide in the 3 bulbed end like this.
And move it from 10 and 2 like that, while also going in and out.
Rub it against the top of your vagina.
Push down your pelvis like that.
Start the vibrator on low and build up to a higher setting as you go along...

"Wait. I have to use both? That seems like a lot."

Yes, you use them in tandem! And no, it's not a lot. You're doing most of the work with the njoy. The vibrator is just pressing against your clit and surrounding area with only subtle motion. You'll know the spot when you hit it.

Trust me.

That is why I'd personally found the rabbit didn't work for me, since its dual prongs are one entity and the motions are symbiotic. However, what I want and need the internal and external stimulators to be doing are really quite different. One is thrusting and turning fast, while the other is slow and firm.


****8 hour time lapse****


I came home from work and found these in the bathroom, neatly washed and air drying on a towel...

I just love it when my student does her homework.

And yes, she tried. And tried. And tried.

"That steel really is more amazing that I ever imagined. I got close a couple times, buuuuuttt..."

GAH! THAT'S WHEN YOU KEEP GOING.

I have worked up a good sweat to the point when I have to blow off beads that roll freely down my brow. Hell, I have had a cramp in my arm that was on fucking fire, but I could feel that I was close, so I persevered for the cause. That little bit of pain is worth the pleasure - every time.

Anyway, I certainly think she is closer than she's ever been; the key to cracking her big O safe is just around the corner. She definitely gave it a good shot, and I think the more she gets comfortable with exploring her own boundaries and then pushing those boundaries, she will finally explode. Although, she's now going to have to get her own steel toy. I'm leaving today and there's no fucking way it will be without my njoy. Sorry, but I also have boundaries.

Just relax and it too shall cum... kind of like all those dead baseball players, except they're all mind popping orgasms instead. 

Yes, exactly like that.

They are hot, hot, hot!

Like I mentioned in my last post, I love this time every year because of all the kilted men wandering around my town. Among other things, it's also got me thinking fondly of one of my favorite love scenes...

Rob Roy. Just thinking about them, as she sat on him with her dress and his kilt lifted up, makes me need to cross my legs a little bit. And I don't find that Liam Neeson or Jessica Lange do much for me, but their chemistry together? Is breathtaking. 

Here are some of my other favorite steamy scenes from movies. I will openly admit that my list is slightly skewed since I have a long-standing affinity towards period dramas. Deal with it.

9. Dirty Dancing. I once had a little love affair when my family went to one of these foxtrotting resorts, but my pimply canoe instructor sure as hell didn't look or move like Johnny! Also, while I was doing "research" for this post, I came across a deleted scene. Oh my fucking god, it's pretty good (if you're already a fan of Dirty Dancing, anyway).

8. 9 & 1/2 Weeks. Yes, there's a lot of sex in this movie, but it's the kitchen scene that does it for me. I'd never seen grapes, strawberries, cough syrup, jalapenos, pasta or honey look so sexy before this happened...

7. Braveheart. I'm not sure what it says about my character that the scene of his wedding night with Murron did nothing for me, but when he finally makes love to the Princess? Completely hot! Sophie Marceau did an amazing job showing her euphoria just in the first kiss alone.

6. How Stella Got Her Groove Back. There's just something about a good shower scene that helps me fantasize, as well as forget about the physical improbability that it is for me to actually attempt such a feat. Also? Taye Diggs bare arse.

5. Black Swan. In an effort for some equal opportunity, I'm including these next two same-sex love scenes. Mila Kunis does an amazing job giving Natalie Portman that smoldering look of desire like she wants to eat her... and then she does.

4. Brokeback Mountain. The first time Ennis (Heath Ledger) and Jack (Jake Gyllenhaal) give in to their emotions is so fucking powerful. It's their conflicting actions of whether they should or should not be together that is so intense and perfectly executed. The later scene where they reunite is pretty incredible too. They both did an amazing job with this movie.

3. Underworld: Evolution. This is the only vampire sex I will allow myself to get excited about. And let's face it, everyone wanted to see Kate Beckinsale peel off that black pleather body suit. Don't deny it! It certainly helps that Scott Speedman is smoking hot too. Ahem.

2. Thelma & Louise. With Brad Pitt being in such hot scenes like those in Mr & Mrs Smith, Troy, Legends of the Fall, Meet Joe Black, etc, it was a little difficult choosing only one. But since this one with Geena Davis was such a pivotal moment that shot his career to the forefront, I thought I would give it the honorary spot.

1. The Scarlet Letter. Having been a huge fan of Gary Oldman for a very, very long time, I'd have to say that he is at his ultimate height of sex appeal in this movie. The tension between him and Hester (Demi Moore) builds so fluidly in this interpretation of the Hawthorne novel. Perhaps it's just the perfect golden sexual trifecta for me: Corsets, Pastors and Gary Oldman, but whatever it is, it gets me biting my bottom lip every time. Hot, hot, hot!

And although it didn't make it to the above Top Ten "Hot" list, this is probably thee most, ummm, enjoyable sex tape EVER released. Whether you've seen Bridesmaids or not, this is the extended version which includes a self-tased vagina, so... you're welcome?

 

Bridesmaids Sex Tape - watch more funny videos

Get Better

I don't think I've done a Music Monday for about 6 months, gah! Since I've been busy stuffing pocket rocket boxes with my business cards for BlogHer '12, I thought now is a good a time as any. Also? This may not be a new song, but it's new to me and it blew my gawd damn mind...

When music is used as a tool 

to share a vital message about the state of our society, 

(and not just about screwing hos or how much money you have), 

my heart swells with pride. 

And after hearing this, I'm bursting. 

Please watch if you haven't already - 

and if you have children in high school, 

watch it with them!

"..there are other choices --- if you want them, 
You don't have to tow the line and just float with the flotsam, 
You can build your time better when you find a passion, 
The Internet and public services give free education, 
So it really ain't a case of rich or poor, 
It's a case of self-motivation and nothing more, 
Like Billy says, whether you have or you have not wealth, 
The system might fail you, but don't fail yourself, 
Just get better."

Unfastened Friday 6.0

Oooohh, it's about that time again folks. It's been a long while since the last Unfastened Friday, so it was well overdue! Have got some naughty submissions this time round - which are, of course, thee best kind. Seriously, who needs 50 Shades of Whatthefuckever when we've got REAL LIFE stories to tell. Ahem.

The Opportunists
Once upon a time there was a guy and a girl who just could not get enough of each other. These two were desperate to feel each other, to tease each other and to taste each other.

Given that each of them was married... to other people... they had to become creative when it came to fulfilling those needs. Lunch hours were spent rushing to a meeting place, saying a quick “hi” before tearing at each other’s clothes, needing to remove them as fast possible because time was short. The kissing was hard and deep, filled with need... as was the thrusting. Moans, heavy breaths, primitive sounds filled the air only to be shattered with silence once both reached their peak.

It didn’t matter where it was... including the second floor walk-in-closet of a model home while others toured the downstairs... these two made the most of any opportunity that arose!

- Anonymous


The MILF
Quite awhile back I broke up with my girlfriend and changed my status on Facebook from 'in a relationship' to 'single'. Almost on cue, my friend's mom commented on it saying how happy she was. Now mind you, I had been friends with her daughter since my freshman year in high school.

Anyway, she ends up messaging me saying how being single was much more fun and before you know it she was inviting me over for some breakfast one morning. It was my first time being at her house so she gave me the tour, which of course ended in the bedroom.

Laying down, she said to feel how comfy the bed was with her. Of course, I laid down and before you know it I was pulling down her pants and sliding my manhood between her legs. Apparently, she hadn't done it in a while and she finished quicker than I would have expected.

She was about 30 at the time and I was 19.

- Anonymous


The Ex-Swingers
I see him all the time, he's always dressed up so nice and he smells so good. We meet up for coffee or whatever, finding excuses to see each other as often as we can.

When we're with each other AND our spouses, we are sneaking footsie under the table, brushing against each other on purpose, catching the other one looking. Alone we embrace and breathe each other in. Feeling the want and the desire between us like a sharp knife.

I can't sit and listen to him without picturing him naked, just as he is. Sitting back with me on top, riding his gigantic cock that fills me up more than I ever have been before. Feeling so small against his tall, muscular body. Cumming over and over and over just from the pure excitement.

I think of that gorgeous cock hitting the back of my throat, it tasted so good. Him, face between my legs, my warm juices unable to stop squirting.

I know what you're thinking: we've had an affair. We haven't. Once upon a time, with a quick text I'd be off driving to his house and his wife to mine. A quick swap to spice up life a little. It worked out fantastic. I loved fucking him, I couldn't wait for it.

Now we can't. One member of the bunch doesn't want to anymore. It's been a year and we still haven't found two people to take their place. So we just continue on, respecting the sanctity of marriage and only crossing the line a little bit... just to keep life exciting.

- A mommy blogger you might know...but you'll never find out :)

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See? That was fun, wasn't it? Have your own UFF entry? Submit here. You can be 100% anonymous (even from moi) and not even fill in the "FROM" field or email; it's up to you. Either way? DO IT... pretty please.

When is young too young?

"I want us to have sex."

"Nope, sorry. I don't want to have sex until I'm older, and when I'm in love."

"That's lame. Sex is fun."

"That's nice. I'll find out when I'm older. You aren't going to change my mind."

"Fine. How about in your ass?"

I laid there naked, and as he groped my right breast I paused to think about it.
"Mmmmm. OK, I guess we could give that a try."

The look on his face was nothing short of pure excitement. His beautiful crystal blue eyes that initially attracted me to him were widened with anticipation. He grabbed my ass and hoisted me up onto all fours to assume "the position". I didn't really do much to help him out - not that I knew what the fuck to do anyway; I just thought he would know.

He pretended to be so experienced, even though I was fairly intuitive and saw right through his bullshit. For some reason or another, I found his phony act of "studliness" oddly endearing... however briefly.

He pushed his dick between my butt cheeks and just started pounding away - like a drunken fool trying to get their key into the hole by ramming it in the general area of the key hole.

Yes, that.

And let me just say that he never got in the door.

I just stayed there on all fours getting pounded from behind, but aside from the force of his body hitting mine, there was nothing. And I knew it. It was quite obvious to me, but apparently not to him.

After he had, umm, finished? He collapsed on to his bed beside me and with an exhausted smile, he rubbed his hand on my stomach and said, "You're officially my twentieth lay. Congratulations, sexy!"

Charming.

And so not true. It took everything in me not to call him on that clusterfuck, but by that time, I had ZERO interest in having him trying again. I just let him have his moment.

I was twelve.

And he was thirteen.

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And this happens more than parents want to know or are willing to admit, but it's out there. It's going on right now, and even though parents find it uncomfortable taking about sex with their adolescents, they need to. It's a part of life and growing up and learning and exploring.

I thought it was time I wrote this post as a response to the latest controversies of what constitutes going "too far" with sexual education for children at the grade 7-8 level (12-13 years old). I cannot believe this is STILL going on. The legislation has been in place since 1988, people! Get the fuck over it and talk to your children about sex.

This is my story, and this event took place 22 years ago.

A lot has changed in 22 years but two things will always remain the same: Kids are curious and dumb - and it's a terrible combination.

Please educate them.

It's like WOW!

As mentioned a while back, I was approached to do a review on a sex toy and seriously... HOW COULD I REFUSE THAT?! So, of course, I graciously accepted and I chose to get the WOW dual g-spot & clitoral massager by Ladygasm.com. Hubba, hubba!

The design was what first attracted me to this model. If it's one thing that turns me on, it's ergonomics. Mmmm, ergonomics. When I first opened my precious package of pending pleasure, I was impressed with how soft the silicone was, like SUPER soft. It's also nice and small - please enjoy my plus-sized hand modeling...

It is a very cool looking design, even if I do know exactly where it was taken from...

But I won't tell. Shhhh. 

I cannot resist mentioning some of the dumbass reviews that I read before I chose this one. One in particular ADMITS to having inserted it the wrong way and found it "uncomfortable and too big". Ummm, either this girl was a virgin that's never even been fingered properly or... (insert another excuse; I'm at a loss), because, well.. even the WRONG end ain't that big. Please view exhibit C on the left:

Also, why the frickity fuck would someone think to shove the part that has the controls up their cooch is extremely entertaining to me. 

Aaaaanyhow, the photo on the right shows a close-up side view to illustrate the cool little ridges that stimulate the g-spot and the pink pleasure horn¹. Ooooh! Honk, honk.  

It needs to be clarified that this is a vibrator, not a dildo. Perhaps that might be stating the obvious to most of you, but I truly think there are many that assume they are synonymous with each other and they are not - or at least, not always - and not in this case.

This is a vibrator or better yet, a simulator. It's not for ramming in and out of your glory hole like a fiend - that's what my other toy is for. Ahem. This WOW has 7 vibration modes and after some fun playing around, I've decided my favorite setting is Buz-Buz-Buzzzzzz. Buz-Buz-Buzzzzz (and so on and so forth). The vibration intensity is impressive and can definitely be felt both internally and externally. 

I have two wise insights that I would like to convey.

1. To the R&D department, although a superior product, I still would have liked the internal end to have a bit more backbone in it - like a pliable spine. It's almost too soft... like inserting a semi-flaccid mini penis. Once it is inside, it's perfectly fine, but that initial part was a little off putting.

2. To my lady people, this is a great little vibrator with some serious power. Also? Said power comes from a plug-in charger - NO BATTERIES, EVER. Win!

My professional bullshit suggestion is that this toy would be best used during foreplay or perhaps after a good solid pounding (whether it be with another or alone), then insert this little fire cracker and just sit back and watch the waves come crashing in - pun totally intended.

FOUR STARS.

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This is a sponsored post and I don't care who knows it, because... hello? FREE VIBRATOR.

USE CODE: estrogen for 20% OFF!

1. You better fucking believe that I submitted that to the Urban Dictionary. 
I need to expand my verbal portfolio over there - its current state is severely lacking.

Sperm cubes

And this just happened...

"Ya know, one of the reasons I get stressed out about sex is because I don't want more kids."

"Then get The Snip."

"Ugh. Maybe."

"Wow. You're actually coming around now? Seriously?"

".... ......... maybe."

"What if your second wife wants a baby?"

"We'll adopt."

"That won't be good enough. She'll neeeeeed your seeeeed."

"Are you mocking me?"

"Never."

"I'll go and freeze a couple batches before I get it done."

"That's expensive, you know."

"I'll use our freezer."

"HA. It doesn't work that way."

"Sure. We can store them in a separate tray beside the dog's gravy cubes."

"Like... sperm cubes?"

"Just don't get them mixed up."

"I honestly don't think the dog would notice."

"You're probably right... so, you don't want to get the procedure then?"

"Ummm... fuck no! That would seriously put a dent in my bi-racial baby plans with MY second husband."

-->> Here's about where joking in the reverse hypothetical situation never works and he starts to pout. <<--

"I won't pay child support."

"Of course not - it won't be your baby."

"I mean AT ALL. I'm going to disappear."

"That would be a neat trick. You'd have to shut down your Facebook account for that to happen."

"Done."

"You're such a fucking rebel. So hot, babe. Let's have sex!"

".... ........ .......... .................... no."

The Vibrator Terminator

Alternative title: Patent Pending, Motherfuckers!

A few months back I was using my favorite little vibrating USB-charged "fairy" to top up my needs... as one often does... and everything was going as usual.

Buzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz. Ohhh yes. Buzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz.

And then, all of a sudden...

Buzzzzz kurmuhhhhhh ffffffggggggghhhh.

Dead from the neck down. Snapped right at the bendable hinge like Christopher Reeve off a horse.

Hubs is laying beside me (yeah, you heard me) and he perked up, "Whoa. That didn't sound good."

"No! It did not. QUICK! Please get me my back up vibrator in the bathroom." And that is how the first toy bit the big one. Then last week, I was using "the back up" and after it had done a satisfactory job, I was cleaning it when I noticed a tear in the bendable hinge on THIS one too. What the fuck?! All the wires were exposed. I can pretty much say that this one was now ready to be put to pasture.

I told hubs and he was all like, "You're a fiend. What the hell do you do to them?!"

Umm.. you're right there beside me watching television - you should know. But seriously - I don't "overly" use or abuse them; in all actuality, I would probably put my average at once a week. Some weeks are more, but then I may go 2-3 weeks without even thinking about it. (Must be when I'm ill or something, but it does happen.)

Problem is that I do really like the firmest pressure going under and up. I'm assuming that's why these hinged designs exist already, but the issue is that the hinge is extended so far that I guess it snaps. I realize that every lady is a little different, but for me? That right there is the spot for me.

Up and over-extended. Ooh yes, indeed.

So, my question is: Why aren't they just in that position to begin with? It would be extremely time efficient, not to mention ergonomically beneficial to my wrists and mild Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

OK. So, it might look like a Lacrosse stick just humped a Smurf, but I'm hoping you get the idea. I just got a pen for my Android and it's still a learning curve as far as drawing on it goes. Whatever, I digress.

It would hook around and up against my Mini Venus Penis and not need to do any of that tedious bending and straining. Win! So, if you ever see one of these on the market from this day forth, you'll know where they stole the idea from. THIEVING FUCKERS! If it already exists, screw that - I'm claiming ignorance. Mine is definitely better.

On another note, 4 days after my second vibrator broke I was contacted by a sex toy company to review a product. Bring it on! Just waiting for the Canada Post to deliver it to me, hopefully without any limbs. 

And that's how the gods talk to me, I'm sure of it.

The PYT that would never be

During my fourth year of University, I had to do the unthinkable -- I had to go backtrack and do a first year course. And not just any first year course, it was Introduction to Art. Fuck me. I didn't take it even in my first year because I was too much of a cocky bitch to take it, and since it wasn't a prerequisite for anything, I skipped it. Then, the graduation forms come 'round and SURPRISE, as it turns out, I did need it.

(To my guidance counselor, I give a huge retrospective middle finger! )

Anyway, I had to go to this soul sucking class for an entire year (at the same time as completing my honors for fine art, so... yeah). On the first day, I walked in to the massive lecture hall and I quickly noticed a Pretty Young Thing that was sitting with some friends, but the seat to his left was vacant.

Jackpot!

My initial intuition was fairly good. He was charming, friendly, a natural smart ass, and had a wholesome, Victorian country town accent that worked like panty remover to me.

The only problem was that he was a little on the young side. OK, when I was 23 and he was 17 -- that is A LOT on the young side. I was just wrapping up my “crazy University years” while he was barely 48 hours into the beginning of his. Ugh. But once I decided I wanted that ass, I powered though it. I dedicated much time and effort pretending to be interested in his first year issues and how “fucking cool” it was being away from his parents for the first time. 

(Yeah, OK kiddo… just shut up and take off those pants.)

The worst was going out to celebrate his 18th birthday (the legal drinking age and a huge deal in Australia). Aside from him and myself, there was his twin brother (to whom he also shared a dorm room with) and a bunch of girls from his boarding house – most of which were under age. There were some girls that had JUST turned 17 and were giddy just by being at the bar and claiming to be tipsy from a pot of beer (1/2 pint), like I was living through the made-for-TV-movie nightmare of Hannah Montana coming of age -- without the cock cake.

All the while, I was imagining how much it would hurt if I stabbed my thigh with a fork… because it was THAT much fun listening to their conversations. Christ, I felt really fucking old, but apart from a couple brief lip-on-lip pecks, I hadn’t sealed the deal… so I endured. 

The next weekend was so fucking on – enough of this bullshit, it was time to bring in the closer. Just the two of us went out for some drinks, which was MUCH better. I didn’t notice quite an age/maturity difference when we were alone, since we did have a very similar sense of humor. The drunken kisses began late into the night and I thought, “Sweet fuck, here’s my chance!”, so I took charge and suggested we go to his dorm (my flat was a lot further away, but in hindsight probably would have been the smarter option). He agreed and off we went. Clothes were quickly removed and foreplay was underway when his brother walked in on us! 

I popped my head up from under the sheets, pleasantly sarcastic: “Hi Mark, bye Mark!” He did a bit of a flustered ‘oops shrug’ and off he went. As I turned back to Dave under the covers, one thing was painfully obvious… he was soft and had retreated so high up into his cave that only one of the fucking Seven Dwarfs could locate his cock at that point. 

Hi ho.

Hi ho. 

It’s off to work I go… 

And work I did for a short and awkward while, but he was done for the night. 

And so was I – for good. 

Fun sex shouldn’t have had to be THAT much effort… so we still sat together during that God forsaken class, but that was it. We never spoke about it again. I decided it would be much better if I pursued an older guy that wouldn’t take four months to decide whether or not he wanted to fuck me until I walked wrong.

And so I did.

Is that you I smell on me?

A few years back, I had encountered a strange side effect to being with a certain partner. After the first time we stripped down to our bare essentials, I could immediately smell that his "natural scent" was quite stronger than most men I had been with. It wasn't body odor or anything repulsive like that, but it was definitely unique. It's also not something you really bring up in conversation when you're in the midst of foreplay.

Hey, you smell weird! Oh well, let's fuck.

Umm, no.

I may be easy, but dammit, I'm polite! I powered through it. Again. And again...

It wasn't specifically contained to his scrotal area either - it permeated from every pore - like a sex panther pheromone.

Yes, that; it was quite pungent. It stung my nostrils in a good way.

The really bizarre side effect happened after a couple weeks of constant skin slapping with said suitor. It transferred on to me - and no amount of showering, bathing or masking it with body spay could get it off.

It was kind of similar to any other bodily scent that you may find mildly repulsive... but then you cannot stop smelling it (like earring jam, farts or yeast infections... wait, whut..). I loved it and completely hated it at the same time.

It was fucked up, yo!

To this day, he's still the only one that could make me climax under 30 seconds with just a simple touch, so perhaps there was some kind of connection there, but who knows. I often see photos of him and his wife on fucking Facebook and every time, I always wonder if she is... well, you know... stinky.

Perhaps it was only temporary and he was just using Date-Mate 2000 at the time:

"Become more sexually attractive 

Have an AMAZING advantage over your friends

Increase your self confidence

Improve business relationships

Guaranteed RESULTS

Get MORE Sex with Nature's own secret weapon!

Use Date Mate 2000 the ULTIMATE female attractant"

So... more importantly, do they have this in a female form?

Ahem.

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I am also guest posting over at Talk 2 Q this week! 
I'm bitching and moaning about how all of us over-educated Gen-X'ers are fucking useless, for the most part.
At least... we can barely change a light bulb without breaking a sweat of anxiety.
Agree? Disagree? Discuss...

Welcome to the Dick Sisterhood

So, it has finally happened, and not from any actions on my part, which is probably the most shocking detail.

I now have a dick sister.

What's a dick sister, you ask? Well, just in case you didn't know, the Urban Dictionary defines it as such:
"A combination of women who have had sex with the same man."

Well, that about sums it all up.

It's a strange feeling for me and I wasn't sure how to take the news at first. I was a firm believer in the whole 'don't crap where you eat' life motto and I rarely dated slept with guys from my own social circles.

I also enjoyed the encouraging phrase of 'there's plenty of fish in the sea' so I wasn't really a fan of sharing the same sea cucumbers with my friends - so to speak.

Eww. Soggy.

It even bothered me when I would be in situations where friends of mine would cycle through boyfriends between each other. They seemed OK with it, but I would put on a fake smile and be screaming on the inside, "HOW CAN YOU MAKE OUT WITH HIM KNOWING THAT HIS TONGUE HAS BEEN UP YOUR BEST FRIEND'S TWAT?!" Gahhh! It irked me to great lengths.

Even in University, when my personal skank factor was upped a notch or three, I still managed to escape forming any dick sisterhood relationships (I shall let some brief oral encounters slide on this one, mmmk? AHEM)... until now.

A whole decade later! One of my best friends did the down and dirty with one of my long-since-passed "he is the one" ones...

But it wasn't him.
Or him.
Or even him.

So it wasn't completely gut-wrenchingly awful news, however, even after all these years, it still did feel like someone had just kicked me in the ovaries when she told me. All the hairs on the back of my neck stabbed me repeatedly, attempting to paralyze my legs by severing my spinal column. Mentally, I was better than I expected, I mean, after all, it was a long time ago. But my physical response to the news just solidified what I have known all along, and that was that I was strictly a fresh cock kinda gal.

Fuck recycling.

I'm fairly certain it was a fling of convenience, considering they are both single and free to be with whomever they please, but in the EXTREME unlikelihood that they got married, I'd be sitting in the crowd (or better yet, in the bridal party) and as they exchanged their "I dos" I would be thinking, "Hey! I know what he sounds like when he cums." I mean... Congratulations you two!

I feel like there's some sort of induction ceremony or initiation that needs to be performed. I didn't know what to do since this is all new to me.

I sent her an edible arrangement and paid $5 more for some extra bananas...

Welcome!

Marriage: Open for business?

In today's hyper-sexed environment which bombards our senses with sexual images, ideas and temptations, the concept of having an "open marriage" is one that is a growing issue. It isn't always a good OR bad thing, but rather a lifestyle choice -- and let's face it, everyone and every marriage is unique, so who are we to say what can or cannot work. When the concept of an open marriage is mentioned, it's usually greeted with scoffs and guffaws. It's true that it can be the opening of Pandora's box for some people, but not everyone. I believe that whether an open marriage can be successful relies on these very important variables.

Variable #1
BOTH husband and wife need to be in complete agreement to said proposed idea. If it's more one person's desire and the other is just agreeing out of sheer need to please the other, it's not going to work. Be honest with each other and talk about what it would mean for the future of your relationship.

Variable #2
The best way this type of marriage works is if it was someone that was understood BEFORE you even got married. If you went into the marriage with a firm belief in the whole "one penis for life" idea and now you're changing your tune, there is more likely a much bigger problem within your marriage that perhaps should be addressed first. What has changed?

Variable #3
If you have someone very specific in mind when the idea is proposed, this is a huge red flag. Basically, you're casually asking for an open marriage, but really what you want is permission to fuck that guy (or woman) that you've been fantasizing about for months. Ouch. This will only lead to affairs that involve emotional attachments and the inevitable end of your marriage.

Variable #4
If you have a tendency to be the jealous type (and don't be in denial, some are much more than others; be honest with yourself) then odds are in favor of this arrangement failing. If you are 100% comfortable with your spouse's unwavering devotion to you, in the emotional and commitment sense anyway, then you might have a try and see how things go. The moment that comfort level is lost, it's time to stop and focus on each other.

Variable #5
You need to be able to successfully separate love and sex. Again, this is not something everyone can do. You have to be a true blue hedonist that only seeks to gain maximum sexual pleasure in their life with a variety of people. This goes back to variable number two - if this is who you are, odds are in favor that you were like this prior to your wedding, and your spouse should have been fully aware of this before hand.

And finally,

Variable #6
If you are proposing an open marriage because the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night is yearn, or even ache for some form of sexual gratification, odds are you might be bordering on a mild sexual addiction, (or severe case if you are needing to have sex with Rachel Uchitel or Mindy Lawton when you have a tall drink of Elin at home) and should probably be asking for help, rather than seeking permission.

If you and your spouse manage to tick all the right boxes and enjoy a successful marriage, whether it be open or monogamist, then rock on! Personally, marriage is tough enough as it is with just two participants.

And my husband knew full well what he was getting himself into; he had 4 years to back out.
Ahem.

Anyways, I don't claim to be Doctor Phil or anything, but these are my two cents; take it or leave it. I will be joining Talk2Q on his Talk Radio on Tuesday at 10pm EST. How exciting is that?! We will be addressing these issues and other juicy sex related debates. Come listen in and contribute, either by calling in or via live chatroom!

If you are reading this after Tuesday, March 13, 2012, you can still listen in to the archive.
(Future link inserted here. How fucking organized am I, seriously!)

Unfastened Friday 5.0

If you haven't checked out Amy's blog at Coffee Lovin' Mom, please do! I was interviewed and offered up some insightful advice on super hero capes and elephant sneezes. Yeah, you heard me.

Anyways, since my new schedule means that I'll be posting on Mondays and Thursdays, Unfastened Fridays will come a little early. Gawd, I hate that! But seriously, all juvenile sexual innuendos aside, it is what it is. When I got this "if you use this, it must be anonymous" submission, I must admit, I raised an eyebrow... or two. It gets an Unfastened Friday all to itself. Oh, yeah. Loved it, ya kinky freaks!

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It was a long Friday at work and I needed to wind down a bit. My then GF said her best friend was house sitting for her neighbor and wanted us to come over for some drinks in the spa. How could I say no to that?

We got there and the friend already had her boyfriend over and they had a few drinks in them. We followed suit and before you know it we were also pretty buzzed. They suggested that we all head out to the spa and spend the rest of the night out there. Thats where all the fun began...

At first, the time in the spa was pretty light hearted. Normal talking and joking around. As the alcohol kept flowing, we got naughtier and naughtier with the things we would talk about. Before you know it, we were all talking about sex positions and the craziest thing we have done with our lovers. That, of course, made us all pretty horny so we started making out with our lovers.

You know how these stories go, kissing leads to touching, touching leads to rubbing, rubbing leads to full on sexy times. I couldn't believe I was fingering my girlfriend right in front of our friends who were doing the exact same thing right across the way in the Jacuzzi. Soon, I had my girlfriend bent over the side, giving it to her doggie style. Our naughty bits on display for them to see, but they were doing the exact same thing so we didn't care. As a matter of fact, we glanced over every now and again to watch them and caught them watching us too.

The whole session lasted for a couple of hours and still to this day, it was THEE hottest bout of sex I have ever had...

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Thank you, Anonymous. I honestly can't get much further passed "a couple of hours". Jeeeeee-sus. I got tired thinking about it. Rock on! Have a great weekend, everyone. x