Top 10 Movies I'm Ashamed to Love

Some horrific movie was on television over the weekend and my husband casually observed, "Isn't that one of those stupid movies that you love?" To which I replied, "Umm, which one? I should have a list . . ." Then lo and behold, a new Top Ten was born, forged in the pit of self loathing and masochism with flecks of premature ejaculations of hopeless romanticism. Yes, that sounds just about right.

10. Sky High. (Rotten tomato meter: 6.5/10)
Honestly, I have no excuse for this movie. It's like the cheesy Disney version of The X-Men but I love it hard; just looking at the movie poster makes me shake my head with shame. The only defending quality I can think of is that they cast Lynda Carter as Principal Powers, and that's fucking awesome.

9. Sister Act (1 & 2). (Rotten tomato meter for 1: 5.7/10, for 2: 3/10)
Goddamn you, Whoopi! I just cannot resist you funkifying all the old church tunes with your more-often-than-not off key "show girl" voice. (PS. If Whoopi Goldberg can pass as a Vegas show girl/headliner, than I'm gonna sign up for the next Victoria's Secret runway show.) Anyways, I wanted to spoon all those adorable supporting actress nuns. And I own both of the soundtracks too. Suck it!

8. Ever After. (Rotten tomato meter: 7.5/10)
I love Drew Barrymore, but by Christ, she was fucking awful in this -- and I barely care. Why? Two main reasons: A. Dougray Scott wears mantards the entire movie and is a proper piece of eye candy, and B. Melanie Lynskey plays one of the step-sisters. You likely know her best as bat shit crazy Rose on Two and a Half Men. Yes, her. She's super funny and lovely in this movie: "Of course not, Mother! I'm only here for the food."

7. National Treasure. (Rotten tomato meter: 5.3/10)
It's Disney doing action; they've got the formula down to a fine art and dammit, it reels me in every time. Even Nicolas Cage (whom my loathing for is only surpassed by one other, and I will get to him later down the list) and his dopey melodramatic epiphanies of problem solving genius don't bother me. It's exciting and I love phony historical action mysteries that are neatly tied into Hollywood bows, perhaps something I shouldn't be okay with, but I really am. It's like the Walmart version of Indiana Jones, and shit, I just love me a bargain!

6. Blast From The Past. (Rotten tomato meter: 6/10)
My husband told me I'd have to put at least ONE Brendan Fraser movie on this list and I had to choose this one. I knew it was going to be fabulously gag-worthy when the main characters are revealed as Adam and Eve, I mean . . . really? However, I think my love for this movie is similar to Sister Act - the supporting actors fucking rock. Christopher Walken, Sissy Spacek and Dave Foley? Just fantastic.  Alicia Silverstone plays pretty much the exact same character as her Clueless's Cher, which is the role she was born to play. I would have put Clueless on this list, but then again, WHO DOESN'T LOVE CLUELESS?

And now I just thought of Brittany Murphy and I'm sad . . .

OK, back to the countdown!

5. Save the Last Dance. (Rotten tomato meter: 5.5/10)
Awe, shit. I'm not even allowed to watch this movie while my husband is in the house; anywhere on the property, actually. I still think it's because he's never gotten over the fact that I've had my ebony and ivory phase, but whatever - he shouldn't have asked if he didn't want to know the truth. HA! I ate up the whole "I'm a ballerina but I have to go live in the 'hood because my mom's dead because of me because I'm a spoiled brat" thing with a giant shovel. And Sean Patrick Thomas? Mmm mmm mmm. (Ssshhhhhh.)

4. Just Friends. (Rotten tomato meter: 5.2/10)
I am a massive Ryan Reynolds fan, and I have been since his Van Wilder days. Me and my Alanis Morissette Scarlett Johansson Sandra Bullock Blake Lively voodoo doll cannot hide this fact. I have to say though, on a more serious note, this movie is pretty much the gender reverse of my life, so I related to it on a very personal level - except my fat suit is fucking fused on! Snort! And if you never watch this movie, you have to at least watch this . . .

3. Constantine. (Rotten tomato meter: 5.5/10)

Fuck you, Keanu Reeves. I hate you so much! But apparently, what I love even more than hating Keanu is freaky religious Apocalyptic shit based on a comic book. I'd be slightly torn if I had to decide who's the better Satan, Peter Stormare in this movie or Viggo Mortensen in The Prophecy, but I might have to lean towards Peter - he's that fucking bad ass. As a warning, I'll admit that this movie drags in and out, and, umm, Keanu being Keanu, but the last 20 minutes are seriously hardcore and it blows my freaking mind. 

2. Bring It On. (Rotten tomato meter: 6/10)

Sigh. Cheerleaders. Double Sigh . . . Awesome. Oh wow. Like totally freak me out, I mean right on! If this movie is on television, I must watch it. I think the husband secretly doesn't mind it either, because of, well, the cheerleaders. But I think the script is hilarious and cleaver -- not to mention that I'm a big Eliza Dushku fan. I might have even called my husband Eliza once or twice, but he didn't mind. Ahem.

1. BioDome. (Rotten tomato meter: 1.8/10)

Yup. It's one of my dirtiest secrets. And I enjoyed Son In-law too. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I can't even blame myself for clinging to nostalgic tastes from my youth on this one because I just watched it for the first time in years a few months ago and I still laughed my ass off. The scene when the get high on the nitrous oxide is extremely funny to me, along with many other parts that I adore for their utter ridiculousness. But, yes, I'm still kind of embarrassed, and it's one of the main reasons that prevents me from mocking someone who believes that Twilight has any cinematic integrity whatsoever, because . . . BioDome.

And I fucking love it.

"Dennis Hopper Blue Velvet. Oh I'm slutty! Oh I'm slutty!"

~ Bud Macintosh

My Top 10 Soundtracks

I did my Top 10 Albums before, but there were a few that I purposely left out of the list and even from the honorable mentions because I believe they deserved an entirely different list: Soundtracks. They are usually an eclectic arrangement of songs that embody the movie; it is an art form all by itself. There are many that have one or two songs but the rest can be a bit vague, but some are simply brilliant, from beginning to end. Here are my favorites:

10. The Crow - It's dark but has some pretty awesome songs from The Cure, Stone Temple Pilots, NIN and Rage Against the Machine, to name just a few.

9. Mallrats - I don't know what I like better, the songs or the dialogue segments in between them. They all consist of "deep and meaningful" observations from Jason Lee, JEREMY LONDON (cough, cough) or Jason Mewes taken from the movie.
"But they're engaged."
"Doesn't matter. It can't happen."
"Why not? It's bound to come up."
"It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee she blows a lobe like a shotgun right through her back."

8. The Lion King - I had to put one in here, and although I have most of the Disney movies' soundtracks, if I had to choose just one, it would have to be this one. No contest. Hakuna Matata.

7. Dirty Dancing - The odd thing about this soundtrack is that practically all of the songs, on their own, I would NEVER have listened to, but since they're in this movie, all I can picture is Baby & Johnny and my heart melts. Sylvia? Yes Mickey!

6. Singles - Two words: Seattle grunge.

5. Pump Up The Volume - Wave of Mutilation. Picture it: It's the late 80s and Christian Slater is on top of the world.

4. Bram Stoker's Dracula - It seems as though I could never study with music that contains lyrics because I just start singing along and lose all concentration, so I used this soundtrack all throughout University as my study music . . . and for some sexy times, of course.

3. Pulp Fiction & Reservoir Dogs - Sorry, but these two go together; they always will.

2. William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet - Some pretty awesome songs on here - a really well put together, kick-ass album that pounds throughout the movie like hallucinogenic drugs screaming through your veins.

1. Moulin Rouge - I quote movies in my every day vocabulary... a lot. But this is a movie that recycles songs to express their feelings? Oh my lord, that's just taking it to a whole new level. Plus, Ewan McGregor is singing - I can't see anything else topping that; neither can Mr. Purple. AHEM.

Honorable Mentions:
If Lucy Fell - They used the entire album by Marry Me Jane as their soundtrack. If you like Alanis Morrisette and Sheryl Crow, Marry Me Jane is wedged nicely in between them. Fabulous!

Shine - If I'm ever in a Classical mood, I'll put in the soundtrack to this movie. I thought Geoffrey Rush was brilliant in this movie, and the piano solos took my breath away, especially the 'Flight of the Bumble Bee' scene in the restaurant.

Heathers - Yes, there is a soundtrack. It is all instrumental and completely consists of 80s synthesizer riffs. If you love the movie, as I do, (that especially means you, SAHMlovingit) you will laugh so hard at all the dramatic tsh-tsh-tsh...ka-ka-ka's throughout the arrangements. I must admit, I don't really listen to it, but it's one I'm glad that resides in my collection.


Which ones would make your list?

Oooh, you so trashy!

I had been held as a willing hostage for most of the weekend at various family events sans phone. I know, I know; there was definitely twitching happening on my part, much to my husband's delight. If it were up to him, I'm sure he would burn my phone, stomp on it, and then bury it 6 feet under. Don't get him started on The Twitter. Oh, yes.

Anyway, so I just found out that this poor woman that was attempting to get photos of herself in her wedding dress slipped off some rocks and sunk to her death. (Thanks for the link, Shelly) And I got to thinking that surely this ill advised woman had not seen the movie The Piano. I mean, really... however dry and painful it was to watch, that movie teaches you three very valuable lessons: 1. Kids are assholes and are not to be trusted. 2. Don't always dismiss the weird dude; he's usually great in the sack... and 3. Corseted dresses are really heavy and if you wear them in water, you will fucking drown.

I had to write an essay on that god forsaken movie in University, does it show?
I would never kid about such things.

Anyhow, yes. It's very sad that that woman met her early demise under those circumstances; it's all fun & trains... until you die. Ahem. That aside, I searched the term "trash the dress" and I was both amused and horrified as to what brides (and some grooms) request for this bizarre trend of fucking up your dress after your wedding.

Here's some of the ones that I love to hate the most, and I took the liberty of adding what I'm SURE they're really thinking...

Yes... that.

As a side note, although some "trash the dress" photos can turn out quite lovely (not these ones, obviously), I still feel like instead of ruining hundreds (or thousands) of dollars worth of dresses on a quirky photo, how about donating it to The Bride's Project instead? There are many brides that would have loved to use these dresses that get ruined for fun, plus all their proceeds go to fighting cancer.

Just a thought...

They are hot, hot, hot!

Like I mentioned in my last post, I love this time every year because of all the kilted men wandering around my town. Among other things, it's also got me thinking fondly of one of my favorite love scenes...

Rob Roy. Just thinking about them, as she sat on him with her dress and his kilt lifted up, makes me need to cross my legs a little bit. And I don't find that Liam Neeson or Jessica Lange do much for me, but their chemistry together? Is breathtaking. 

Here are some of my other favorite steamy scenes from movies. I will openly admit that my list is slightly skewed since I have a long-standing affinity towards period dramas. Deal with it.

9. Dirty Dancing. I once had a little love affair when my family went to one of these foxtrotting resorts, but my pimply canoe instructor sure as hell didn't look or move like Johnny! Also, while I was doing "research" for this post, I came across a deleted scene. Oh my fucking god, it's pretty good (if you're already a fan of Dirty Dancing, anyway).

8. 9 & 1/2 Weeks. Yes, there's a lot of sex in this movie, but it's the kitchen scene that does it for me. I'd never seen grapes, strawberries, cough syrup, jalapenos, pasta or honey look so sexy before this happened...

7. Braveheart. I'm not sure what it says about my character that the scene of his wedding night with Murron did nothing for me, but when he finally makes love to the Princess? Completely hot! Sophie Marceau did an amazing job showing her euphoria just in the first kiss alone.

6. How Stella Got Her Groove Back. There's just something about a good shower scene that helps me fantasize, as well as forget about the physical improbability that it is for me to actually attempt such a feat. Also? Taye Diggs bare arse.

5. Black Swan. In an effort for some equal opportunity, I'm including these next two same-sex love scenes. Mila Kunis does an amazing job giving Natalie Portman that smoldering look of desire like she wants to eat her... and then she does.

4. Brokeback Mountain. The first time Ennis (Heath Ledger) and Jack (Jake Gyllenhaal) give in to their emotions is so fucking powerful. It's their conflicting actions of whether they should or should not be together that is so intense and perfectly executed. The later scene where they reunite is pretty incredible too. They both did an amazing job with this movie.

3. Underworld: Evolution. This is the only vampire sex I will allow myself to get excited about. And let's face it, everyone wanted to see Kate Beckinsale peel off that black pleather body suit. Don't deny it! It certainly helps that Scott Speedman is smoking hot too. Ahem.

2. Thelma & Louise. With Brad Pitt being in such hot scenes like those in Mr & Mrs Smith, Troy, Legends of the Fall, Meet Joe Black, etc, it was a little difficult choosing only one. But since this one with Geena Davis was such a pivotal moment that shot his career to the forefront, I thought I would give it the honorary spot.

1. The Scarlet Letter. Having been a huge fan of Gary Oldman for a very, very long time, I'd have to say that he is at his ultimate height of sex appeal in this movie. The tension between him and Hester (Demi Moore) builds so fluidly in this interpretation of the Hawthorne novel. Perhaps it's just the perfect golden sexual trifecta for me: Corsets, Pastors and Gary Oldman, but whatever it is, it gets me biting my bottom lip every time. Hot, hot, hot!

And although it didn't make it to the above Top Ten "Hot" list, this is probably thee most, ummm, enjoyable sex tape EVER released. Whether you've seen Bridesmaids or not, this is the extended version which includes a self-tased vagina, so... you're welcome?

 

Bridesmaids Sex Tape - watch more funny videos

Bitches be rude!

It's that time again where I've locked myself In The Powder Room stall so I can unload - and I'm not talking about my IBS, so don't worry. Please journey over there and perhaps even add some more "come back" ideas to my list of woulda coulda shoulda's to mine. I'm sure there's much, much more that could have been said.

Oh, yes... so much motherfucking more.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I also wanted to share some of my breathtaking photography today. I posted on The Twitter a little while ago about this tree that flashes me its brown eye and rudely mocks me every time I walk by it. Ahem.

I guess because historically speaking, the act of "mooning" has been primarily dominated by men -- especially when kilts were in fashion, that I assumed it was a "he tree". I mean, have you seen Braveheart or even more recently, Brave? Oh, yes, there's an old Scottish man moon in Brave. Thank you, Disney.

Anyhow, I digress. Today, I finally took to exploring around the rest of this tree, which I have come to affectionately call Seymour Butts McTree, and guess what?!

Jane Seymour Butts McTree

He's a fucking she tree!

This tree is seriously exposed, yo! In light of this new information, I've had to amend her name to Jane Seymour Butts McTree.

And if you're wondering if I gave her hood a little tickle?

Hell yes, I did.
DON'T BE SO DISGUSTING; OF COURSE I DIDN'T.
I am not a Dendrophiliac.

Aaaaaaaaaahem.

Platypi out of nowhere!

Here's the thing - work is disgusting at the moment. I've been walking around in a fog for the past 3 weeks. Once tax season is over, I might be able to function vaguely like a normal person. I'm going to take this opportunity to share some drawings that a "friend" of mine has done. She usually does characters and books for the kidlets, but she also creates ones for the mature grown-ups, such as us... right? Ahem.

Here are my Top Ten characters - I hope you enjoy as much as I do! 

Here's the catch - list all 10 names (or as many as you can) in the comments and you will be entered to win a customized cartoon made for you, or a loved one - whatever you choose. It can be as cute & innocent or as kinky as you like - the sky's the limit, or at least, what she can be bothered trying to draw, but... pretty much anything.

Yay! So fun! 

Good luck, bitches ;)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've also been interviewed In The Powderroom today! Check it out, if you want to know more about me. 

(I know, it's a hard sell, but hey, I thought I'd put it out there anyway.) x

Honey Eater

If I were to ever get the movie about my time in Australia set in motion, I'm thinking it would look something like this. 

Dan? Lauren? Have your people call my people*, for realzies. (*me)

How Now, Fake Chow?

I decided to watch one of those movies where you see the preview and think, "Meh. One day, I'll watch it when it comes to TV." Well, for Hall Pass, now is that day. Over all, it was a fairly mediocre movie. If I said it was horrible, I would be lumping it in with other horrible movies such as Twilight or Spiderman 3, so I cannot in good faith say it was "horrible". I like mediocre; I'll stick with that description.

It is a Farrelly Brothers movie, so the humor is right up my alley, but only in isolated skits, rather than the movie in its entirety. I'm not going to do a full run down of the movie, but rather one bit that seriously perplexed me: Fake Chow.

Unless the woman is stoned, drunk or has otherwise been numbed from the brain down, who the fuck actually thinks that women cannot tell the difference between a tongue and a finger? Like, whhhhoa. I know it's just a movie, but... Damn right that she never let you forget it for three years! Idiot.

I further investigated this bullshit - straight to the source.

Oh, Tray dog...

Fingers with nails feel a hell of a lot different than a soft, moist tongue. I'm not saying that the finger isn't good - with the right talent driving those fingers, magic can truly happen. Why must one even "pretend"? If you're not in the mood to go down on a woman, just commit to giving her a great finger show. It's all good... BUT... it is like apples to oranges.

And I love apples.
And barely tolerate oranges.
They make my fingers smell.
Long story.
Short story? I'm weird.
Ahem.

A-N-Y-W-A-Y-S, please don't insult our intelligence, as women, and think that we won't notice the difference between the two.

Kaaaa-chow.

My year, according to Bridget

I was going to do a long winded explanation of my journey towards the downward spiral this year, but then I thought illustrating it would be much more effective. Bridget agreed with me; she's been there.

At the start of the year, I was feeling pretty good. I broke a VERY long dry spell in the climax desert, I got freakin' published, and I dedicated an entire month to my love of music that was fairly successful, except for my ex-boyfriend publicly commenting that I was a disgraceful bitch. I was a fucking writer - bring it on!

As the year went on, it became very clear that I was missing some of this in my life...

And a whole fucking lot of this -

As I've mentioned this year, even though I'd been shown the gift of ultimate self gratification this year, it still doesn't take the place of affection, attention, and a warm, loving body... or anyone with a pulse, really.

Oh, yeah! I also did this on both trips to the U.S. this year, and now I really, REALLY fucking miss this as well.

And because I miss smoking so gawd damn much, I've begun eating more. Copious amounts of food that would rival most 16 year old boys, actually. So, when I wrote about me quitting dieting and being OK with my body, I take it all back.

Sorry. I suck. 

And my underwear looks like this now...

Struggling with this situation doesn't help matters much either, I'm sure. Hummm...

So, these days, I've been feeling more like this.

And all I want to do is this.

Oh, wait. Thanks, Bridget... I almost forgot the fucking ice cream. 

That's more like it! Yes!

So I will be heading to see someone in January, hopefully to help me make sense of all my chaos. 

And if that doesn't work, prescribe me something so I can feel like this:

(although preferably NOT actually a hallucinogenic - unfortunately, this lady has gotta work, yo!)

So, cheers! Here's to hoping that 2012 brings some good shit.

Or at the very least, I can purchase it from a licensed pharmacist.

Happy New Year!

Anonymous, motherfucker!

I am branching out today and going to do a movie review, sort of - at least it's my version of a movie review that includes "environmental circumstances". To be honest, I cannot believe I have waited this long, since I'm such a movie geek freak fan.

Before the movie started, or rather, even before the lights dimmed and the previews began, I was on The Twitter. (Yeah, yeah, big fucking surprise... let's move on...) We chose the 3rd row from the back, and being polite, not directly in front of the two women in the row behind us; just off to their left. As soon as I unlock my phone, we hear very clearly, "Just my luck! I always sit behind SOMEONE that is on their phone during the movie. *tisk* Ugghhhh! I can't stand it!"

WHAT. THE. FUCK. was up her fucking ignorant ass? It's not like the movie was even close to starting! Fucking hell, I was furious, and yet, I did nor said nothing. Even my husband was annoyed with the obnoxious banter of these women, which says a lot, since he usually ignores everyone. They actually got up AND MOVED, but unfortunately, we could still hear their conversational vomit about really important shit, like analyzing the plot line of the latest Twilight installment. Fucking save us!

I usually try not to be a shallow person, but when I feel like her inside is ugly and annoying, I have no qualms in describing her appearance (however hyper-exaggerated it may be) to being likened to that of a fucking middle aged Northern Reflections donkey whore.

Donkey whore (a.k.a. Douche muppet)

OK. On to the movie.

Anonymous is the latest to jump on the Queen Elizabeth I bandwagon of possible angles of her life, and although the actors and performances in its predecessors were impressive, this plot line is by far the most interesting interpretation. The Virgin Queen? Not this time. 

It is a period drama, and despite the occasional humorous dialogue and action scenes, my husband did nod off a few times, but I loved it. I think Rhys Ifans finally got a good leading role to sink his teeth into. It was great to see Vanessa Redgrave and Joely Richardson both play the Queen as well; perhaps not as stellar as Helen Mirren or Cate Blanchett, but impressive nevertheless. Sebastian Armesto played an impressive role as the playwright Ben Johnson, although there were many times that I just thought he was the lesser paid version of Orlando Bloom... I mean... is he really even that busy these days?

Two other things slightly plagued me throughout the film.

1. Helen Baxendale played Rhys Ifans' wife (who was previously Emily on Friends) and every time she took a nostril-flared snit, I wanted her to say, "Ross! My name isn't Rachel; it's Emily!" and...

2. David Thewlis (previously rocked Lupin in the Harry Potter saga) played William Cecil, the biggest fucking sneaky asshole. Every time he did something horrible, I thought, "Lupin! Why you gotta be like that?!"

Apart from that, I thought the story as a whole was very well done. I will heed this warning - it does have a pretty huge twist; one that will greatly impact my viewing perspective and enjoyment, particularly of the sex scenes when I eventually watch it again, but I say no more. Ahem.

As for the douche muppets behind us? I dreamed last night that I turned around and kicked her ass. After my victory, I leaned over her and said, "Bitch? I'm soooo going to blog about you." 

And now I have. 

The end.

Homo erectus. Coming soon?

This post marks my 250th post. Whoa! I fucking talk a lot.

I thought in honor of this momentous occasion, I would make a movie. Well... OK, not really, but I did this.

Marry Me, Jane

This week's theme for Monday Music Moves Me is bands that start with M. Well, two of my favorite band begin with M, so I thought it was going to be a no-brainer - Machine Gun Fellatio and Marianas Trench. The problem is that I didn't want to be a broken record, since I have used both of them in past features already.

I can be repetitive in my day-to-day life so I am making an extra effort not to be repetitive on this site. So, I dug a littler deeper.

Then I remembered Mary Me Jane.

Their album was used as the soundtrack for If Lucy Fell, which is probably one of my favorite video store rental discoveries, ever. It came out in 1996 with a cast of Sarah Jessica Parker, Eric Schaeffer, Ben Stiller, Elle Macpherson, and even a 12 year old Scarlett Johansson makes a minor appearance.

"It's not symbolic. It's pretty spelled out!"
Another awesome scene between SJP and Ben Stiller
[credit: Movie-Roulette.com]

The dialogue is funny and honest and although the story line is rather transparent and predictable, it is a great romantic comedy. It also emits many pre-Sex in the City vibes. Every time I listen to my Mary Me Jane soundtrack, I think of the parts in the movie that used those songs and I fall in love all over again.

Oh, and it's about artists. Bonus points right there.

Joe (Eric Schaeffer) is infatuated with Jane (Elle Macpherson) who lives in the adjacent building. He can see her through his window and he stalks paints her enough times that he holds an entire art show with all these paintings of her - just so he can invite and finally meet her after 5 years of supposedly being "in love" with her.

He is dorky and awkward and I absolutely love him in this movie –
he is the perfection of an antihero.

One of my favorite conversations from the movie:

Jane: I love your paintings.
Joe:  Really?
Jane: Yeah, really.
Joe:  Can I ask you something?
Jane: Yeah.
Joe:  Are you involved with anyone?
Jane: Yes.
Joe:  Who?
Jane: Him. (She gestures to the man in the painting entitled 'Limp Dick Man')
Joe:  Really?
Jane: He does have quite a limp dick. But he gives the best damn head ever.

And then Joe gives THEE best shocked/turned on/recoiled expression that I cannot even describe accurately.
Just watch the movie... and of course, enjoy the music as well.