Children's Programming Mostly Blows

Since I've been home with the boys for the better part of a year now, I think I'm starting to crack at the seams a little, particularly with my intense criticisms of children's programming. Unfortunately, I'm still having to do freelance work here and there, so babysitter à la television has been a huge help, but I have reached my tolerance limit with certain shows. I just can't take them anymore.

10. Bubble Guppies - I cannot fault the music element in this show; it's quite impressive. But what the shit is going on with their environment?! Are they under water all the time? They're fish, right? So they must be! Then they travel on airplanes and attend rodeos and partake in desert adventures . . . under water? The cows have fins but the elephants do not? I'm confused and I don't like being confused by inconsistencies in a cartoon! Fuck it.

9. Toopy & Binoo - Not sure if this one is exclusive to Canada or not, since it's a French-based show. If you've never heard of it, consider yourself lucky. My kids LOVE it, much to my horror. I don't mind Binoo because he/she/it doesn't talk, but Toopy? Let's just say that if you believe in an existence of Hell, it's likely where you would get strapped to a chair & be forced to listen to Toopy narrate The Bible for all eternity.

8. My Big Big Friend - This would actually be a half decent show if it wasn't for one character - LILY. She's a little cunt! It actually upsets me that even though the two boys have rare moments of imperfection, she is a HORRIBLE girl that's usually quite mean to the boys. Is this necessary? I don't think so. It's very gender biased and it makes me twitchy.

7. Max & Ruby - Ditto with what I just wrote from My Big Big Friend. Ruby is a bossy bitch who's constantly talking down to her brother even though he's clearly not an idiot. And where the fuck are their parents?! Did the writers just decide they'd be too much of a hassle to create? Maybe if Ruby had a parent around, she wouldn't be such a skunt.

6. Little Einsteins - (aka. Little Pretentious Bastards) When a good accomplishment according to my sons is removing a giant booger from their nose, I find it almost embarrassing for this show's creators that they believe toddlers give one ounce of fuck about Beethoven and what he looked like in 1800. They try way too hard. They put up a flash card portrait of Warhol the other day, like, near the end of his days when he was frazzled and freaky looking. What the hell? I have a degree in Fine Art and even I don't need to see that shit on a Saturday morning.

5. Yo Gabba Gabba! - I have issues with any "human" hosts (or children's TV actors) that talk too animated where their mouths open too wide & their entire pupils are showing like a deer in headlights. It's not necessary and it creeps me out. And the puppet characters? I'm sorry, you'll never be Fraggle Rock. No amount of celebrity guest stars will ever get me to tune in to this clusterfuck. Banned.

4. Dora the Explorer - FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, WHY IS SHE ALWAYS YELLING? Banned.

3. Peppa Pig - Oh, that voice. I even mute the commercials for this show. I think they searched all of the United Kingdom to find the single most annoying girl to voice Peppa. I haven't even watched it long enough to determine if she's a nice little piglet or not. She would likely cover Toopy's lunch breaks and read The Bible to you IN HELL. My husband was the quickest to ban this one.

2. Mike the Knight - The biggest little asshole in all the land. Seriously, he's a fucking selfish jerk and treats his friends like complete shit. My son said to me the other day, "I don't like Mike the Knight because he's not very nice." And it was one of the best parenting moments ever! Banned.

1. Caillou - The whiniest weirdo, bar none. A show that teaches kids how to whine, have tantrums and have a spoiled attitude. No fucking thank you. AND WHY IS HE BALD? No one else is bald, not even his baby sister. And I'm pretty certain he's not on Chemotherapy.  Banned for eternity.

Dishonorable mention: Thomas the Tank Engine - You are NOT a very useful engine. In fact, you are a defiant, ignorant, trouble-making pile of metal that causes the train company likely hundreds of thousands of dollars in damages every year. You suck and I resent the fact that half of my house is covered in your over-priced merchandise.


------------------------------


On a positive note, I should add that I believe good programming for kids DOES exist -- just few & far between. I'd give my tramp stamp of approval to the following:
1. Octonauts - I learn new shit about the ocean every damn day.
2. Imagination Movers - Scott is my boyfriend and Dave is my homeboy.
3. Cat in the Hat - Dr. Seuss and Martin Short, enough said.
4. Handy Manny - You can't deny that the sexual tension between Manny and Kelly is intense, yo!
5. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse - Although mildly annoying, it's the type of annoying most of us have been desensitized towards, having been raised on that weird little mouse ourselves.
6. Agent Oso - OK, there was a time I detested Oso on the sole ground that he's the dumbest fuck of all time. I've since learned to tolerate him now that the boys are smarter than him & find his stupidity funny. And there's bigger fish to fry, so to speak.
7. Sesame Street - Because it will always be awesome.


What shows do you enjoy, tolerate or absolutely refuse to have on? 
. . . even in the distant background, while you try your hardest to ignore it.

Twitter is tough crowd to please

Alternate title: Why I'll never have 1 million Twitter followers.

I don't think I've had the ambition to do a Top 10 in a while, so amidst seemingly non-stop customized resume preparations, I thought I'd take some time out to procrastinate attempt to entertain you.

My follow and unfollow rates on Twitter are fairly consistent with each other; I've written before how it's all okay - to each their own and all that codswallop . . . but whenever I get a mass exodus in a single day (more than 20), I can never be sure exactly why, since my tweet content is more across the bloody map that Carmen Sandiego.

So, here are my thoughts on that phenomenon.

- 10 -

-9-

-8-

-7-

-6-

-5-

-4-

-3-

-2-

-1-

I rest my case.

And I don't really mind, but it's just a mildly interesting observation of what happens when one doesn't fit exactly into a specific genre, interest group or clique. Hey, kinda like when I was in high school. Ahem.

And on a completely unrelated note, I can't believe January is over, mostly because that means I've survived another 4 weeks being home full time with the boys. 

Sweet Cheeses, it's a damn miracle!

Top 10 Movies I'm Ashamed to Love

Some horrific movie was on television over the weekend and my husband casually observed, "Isn't that one of those stupid movies that you love?" To which I replied, "Umm, which one? I should have a list . . ." Then lo and behold, a new Top Ten was born, forged in the pit of self loathing and masochism with flecks of premature ejaculations of hopeless romanticism. Yes, that sounds just about right.

10. Sky High. (Rotten tomato meter: 6.5/10)
Honestly, I have no excuse for this movie. It's like the cheesy Disney version of The X-Men but I love it hard; just looking at the movie poster makes me shake my head with shame. The only defending quality I can think of is that they cast Lynda Carter as Principal Powers, and that's fucking awesome.

9. Sister Act (1 & 2). (Rotten tomato meter for 1: 5.7/10, for 2: 3/10)
Goddamn you, Whoopi! I just cannot resist you funkifying all the old church tunes with your more-often-than-not off key "show girl" voice. (PS. If Whoopi Goldberg can pass as a Vegas show girl/headliner, than I'm gonna sign up for the next Victoria's Secret runway show.) Anyways, I wanted to spoon all those adorable supporting actress nuns. And I own both of the soundtracks too. Suck it!

8. Ever After. (Rotten tomato meter: 7.5/10)
I love Drew Barrymore, but by Christ, she was fucking awful in this -- and I barely care. Why? Two main reasons: A. Dougray Scott wears mantards the entire movie and is a proper piece of eye candy, and B. Melanie Lynskey plays one of the step-sisters. You likely know her best as bat shit crazy Rose on Two and a Half Men. Yes, her. She's super funny and lovely in this movie: "Of course not, Mother! I'm only here for the food."

7. National Treasure. (Rotten tomato meter: 5.3/10)
It's Disney doing action; they've got the formula down to a fine art and dammit, it reels me in every time. Even Nicolas Cage (whom my loathing for is only surpassed by one other, and I will get to him later down the list) and his dopey melodramatic epiphanies of problem solving genius don't bother me. It's exciting and I love phony historical action mysteries that are neatly tied into Hollywood bows, perhaps something I shouldn't be okay with, but I really am. It's like the Walmart version of Indiana Jones, and shit, I just love me a bargain!

6. Blast From The Past. (Rotten tomato meter: 6/10)
My husband told me I'd have to put at least ONE Brendan Fraser movie on this list and I had to choose this one. I knew it was going to be fabulously gag-worthy when the main characters are revealed as Adam and Eve, I mean . . . really? However, I think my love for this movie is similar to Sister Act - the supporting actors fucking rock. Christopher Walken, Sissy Spacek and Dave Foley? Just fantastic.  Alicia Silverstone plays pretty much the exact same character as her Clueless's Cher, which is the role she was born to play. I would have put Clueless on this list, but then again, WHO DOESN'T LOVE CLUELESS?

And now I just thought of Brittany Murphy and I'm sad . . .

OK, back to the countdown!

5. Save the Last Dance. (Rotten tomato meter: 5.5/10)
Awe, shit. I'm not even allowed to watch this movie while my husband is in the house; anywhere on the property, actually. I still think it's because he's never gotten over the fact that I've had my ebony and ivory phase, but whatever - he shouldn't have asked if he didn't want to know the truth. HA! I ate up the whole "I'm a ballerina but I have to go live in the 'hood because my mom's dead because of me because I'm a spoiled brat" thing with a giant shovel. And Sean Patrick Thomas? Mmm mmm mmm. (Ssshhhhhh.)

4. Just Friends. (Rotten tomato meter: 5.2/10)
I am a massive Ryan Reynolds fan, and I have been since his Van Wilder days. Me and my Alanis Morissette Scarlett Johansson Sandra Bullock Blake Lively voodoo doll cannot hide this fact. I have to say though, on a more serious note, this movie is pretty much the gender reverse of my life, so I related to it on a very personal level - except my fat suit is fucking fused on! Snort! And if you never watch this movie, you have to at least watch this . . .

3. Constantine. (Rotten tomato meter: 5.5/10)

Fuck you, Keanu Reeves. I hate you so much! But apparently, what I love even more than hating Keanu is freaky religious Apocalyptic shit based on a comic book. I'd be slightly torn if I had to decide who's the better Satan, Peter Stormare in this movie or Viggo Mortensen in The Prophecy, but I might have to lean towards Peter - he's that fucking bad ass. As a warning, I'll admit that this movie drags in and out, and, umm, Keanu being Keanu, but the last 20 minutes are seriously hardcore and it blows my freaking mind. 

2. Bring It On. (Rotten tomato meter: 6/10)

Sigh. Cheerleaders. Double Sigh . . . Awesome. Oh wow. Like totally freak me out, I mean right on! If this movie is on television, I must watch it. I think the husband secretly doesn't mind it either, because of, well, the cheerleaders. But I think the script is hilarious and cleaver -- not to mention that I'm a big Eliza Dushku fan. I might have even called my husband Eliza once or twice, but he didn't mind. Ahem.

1. BioDome. (Rotten tomato meter: 1.8/10)

Yup. It's one of my dirtiest secrets. And I enjoyed Son In-law too. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I can't even blame myself for clinging to nostalgic tastes from my youth on this one because I just watched it for the first time in years a few months ago and I still laughed my ass off. The scene when the get high on the nitrous oxide is extremely funny to me, along with many other parts that I adore for their utter ridiculousness. But, yes, I'm still kind of embarrassed, and it's one of the main reasons that prevents me from mocking someone who believes that Twilight has any cinematic integrity whatsoever, because . . . BioDome.

And I fucking love it.

"Dennis Hopper Blue Velvet. Oh I'm slutty! Oh I'm slutty!"

~ Bud Macintosh

My Top 10 Soundtracks

I did my Top 10 Albums before, but there were a few that I purposely left out of the list and even from the honorable mentions because I believe they deserved an entirely different list: Soundtracks. They are usually an eclectic arrangement of songs that embody the movie; it is an art form all by itself. There are many that have one or two songs but the rest can be a bit vague, but some are simply brilliant, from beginning to end. Here are my favorites:

10. The Crow - It's dark but has some pretty awesome songs from The Cure, Stone Temple Pilots, NIN and Rage Against the Machine, to name just a few.

9. Mallrats - I don't know what I like better, the songs or the dialogue segments in between them. They all consist of "deep and meaningful" observations from Jason Lee, JEREMY LONDON (cough, cough) or Jason Mewes taken from the movie.
"But they're engaged."
"Doesn't matter. It can't happen."
"Why not? It's bound to come up."
"It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee she blows a lobe like a shotgun right through her back."

8. The Lion King - I had to put one in here, and although I have most of the Disney movies' soundtracks, if I had to choose just one, it would have to be this one. No contest. Hakuna Matata.

7. Dirty Dancing - The odd thing about this soundtrack is that practically all of the songs, on their own, I would NEVER have listened to, but since they're in this movie, all I can picture is Baby & Johnny and my heart melts. Sylvia? Yes Mickey!

6. Singles - Two words: Seattle grunge.

5. Pump Up The Volume - Wave of Mutilation. Picture it: It's the late 80s and Christian Slater is on top of the world.

4. Bram Stoker's Dracula - It seems as though I could never study with music that contains lyrics because I just start singing along and lose all concentration, so I used this soundtrack all throughout University as my study music . . . and for some sexy times, of course.

3. Pulp Fiction & Reservoir Dogs - Sorry, but these two go together; they always will.

2. William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet - Some pretty awesome songs on here - a really well put together, kick-ass album that pounds throughout the movie like hallucinogenic drugs screaming through your veins.

1. Moulin Rouge - I quote movies in my every day vocabulary... a lot. But this is a movie that recycles songs to express their feelings? Oh my lord, that's just taking it to a whole new level. Plus, Ewan McGregor is singing - I can't see anything else topping that; neither can Mr. Purple. AHEM.

Honorable Mentions:
If Lucy Fell - They used the entire album by Marry Me Jane as their soundtrack. If you like Alanis Morrisette and Sheryl Crow, Marry Me Jane is wedged nicely in between them. Fabulous!

Shine - If I'm ever in a Classical mood, I'll put in the soundtrack to this movie. I thought Geoffrey Rush was brilliant in this movie, and the piano solos took my breath away, especially the 'Flight of the Bumble Bee' scene in the restaurant.

Heathers - Yes, there is a soundtrack. It is all instrumental and completely consists of 80s synthesizer riffs. If you love the movie, as I do, (that especially means you, SAHMlovingit) you will laugh so hard at all the dramatic tsh-tsh-tsh...ka-ka-ka's throughout the arrangements. I must admit, I don't really listen to it, but it's one I'm glad that resides in my collection.


Which ones would make your list?

They are hot, hot, hot!

Like I mentioned in my last post, I love this time every year because of all the kilted men wandering around my town. Among other things, it's also got me thinking fondly of one of my favorite love scenes...

Rob Roy. Just thinking about them, as she sat on him with her dress and his kilt lifted up, makes me need to cross my legs a little bit. And I don't find that Liam Neeson or Jessica Lange do much for me, but their chemistry together? Is breathtaking. 

Here are some of my other favorite steamy scenes from movies. I will openly admit that my list is slightly skewed since I have a long-standing affinity towards period dramas. Deal with it.

9. Dirty Dancing. I once had a little love affair when my family went to one of these foxtrotting resorts, but my pimply canoe instructor sure as hell didn't look or move like Johnny! Also, while I was doing "research" for this post, I came across a deleted scene. Oh my fucking god, it's pretty good (if you're already a fan of Dirty Dancing, anyway).

8. 9 & 1/2 Weeks. Yes, there's a lot of sex in this movie, but it's the kitchen scene that does it for me. I'd never seen grapes, strawberries, cough syrup, jalapenos, pasta or honey look so sexy before this happened...

7. Braveheart. I'm not sure what it says about my character that the scene of his wedding night with Murron did nothing for me, but when he finally makes love to the Princess? Completely hot! Sophie Marceau did an amazing job showing her euphoria just in the first kiss alone.

6. How Stella Got Her Groove Back. There's just something about a good shower scene that helps me fantasize, as well as forget about the physical improbability that it is for me to actually attempt such a feat. Also? Taye Diggs bare arse.

5. Black Swan. In an effort for some equal opportunity, I'm including these next two same-sex love scenes. Mila Kunis does an amazing job giving Natalie Portman that smoldering look of desire like she wants to eat her... and then she does.

4. Brokeback Mountain. The first time Ennis (Heath Ledger) and Jack (Jake Gyllenhaal) give in to their emotions is so fucking powerful. It's their conflicting actions of whether they should or should not be together that is so intense and perfectly executed. The later scene where they reunite is pretty incredible too. They both did an amazing job with this movie.

3. Underworld: Evolution. This is the only vampire sex I will allow myself to get excited about. And let's face it, everyone wanted to see Kate Beckinsale peel off that black pleather body suit. Don't deny it! It certainly helps that Scott Speedman is smoking hot too. Ahem.

2. Thelma & Louise. With Brad Pitt being in such hot scenes like those in Mr & Mrs Smith, Troy, Legends of the Fall, Meet Joe Black, etc, it was a little difficult choosing only one. But since this one with Geena Davis was such a pivotal moment that shot his career to the forefront, I thought I would give it the honorary spot.

1. The Scarlet Letter. Having been a huge fan of Gary Oldman for a very, very long time, I'd have to say that he is at his ultimate height of sex appeal in this movie. The tension between him and Hester (Demi Moore) builds so fluidly in this interpretation of the Hawthorne novel. Perhaps it's just the perfect golden sexual trifecta for me: Corsets, Pastors and Gary Oldman, but whatever it is, it gets me biting my bottom lip every time. Hot, hot, hot!

And although it didn't make it to the above Top Ten "Hot" list, this is probably thee most, ummm, enjoyable sex tape EVER released. Whether you've seen Bridesmaids or not, this is the extended version which includes a self-tased vagina, so... you're welcome?

 

Bridesmaids Sex Tape - watch more funny videos

Twitter: Lost in translation

Twitter etiquette for the beginner... and the twat waffle. I don't often do Top Tens, but due to a growing discord that I've heard through the Twittersphere, I thought it was about time I cranked up my initiative and wrote this out. For those that don't know me very well, I am a professional online marketer and creative director for almost ten years now (ouch, I feel old), even though I don't often talk shop on this site. And yes, this ambitious undertaking hurt my A.D.D. a little, and yes, I shall be napping once it's done.

10. No blind links. What is that link? Where will it take me? What the hell are you trying to get me to do? This is how I feel EVERY time I see a link without a headline, hashtag (like #photo or #porn) or something, anything that will tell me what this link is for. That's what headlines are for - lead the reader in - make us want to click and read/see more.

9. RT effectively. Odds are you and your followers follow quite a few of the same people. The best way to do a "real" RT (when you retweet directly using the icon that looks like a recycle symbol) is to first "favorite" it and then retweet it in an hour or later. This way, your followers won't have 2, 3, 4 of the exact same tweet scrolling through their feed at the same time - how annoying!

8. Over Retweeting - Whoa, there! I know it's a nice pat on the back when someone retweets you, and there are sites like FavStar.fm that make a fortune getting people to pay (yes, people actually PAY) for tracking your retweets, favorite'd stars and also allow to award others with virtual trophies for their clever quips, insults and creative double entendres for the use of the work 'fuck'. But when I open my timeline and there are 15 retweets in a row from all the same person, the first thing I do? I won't unfollow, but I will go to their profile and select "turn off retweets". It's a lovely, relatively new function - I use it a lot.

7. Check your motherfucking links. I have unfollowed people because of them consistently posting broken or invalid links - true story. Especially if you are a blogger, marketer or someone that should know how these things work, please test them first. If you tweet a link that doesn't work, it defeats the purpose of drawing people to your site, and therefore pisses me off for clicking. Do it once? Shame on you. Do it twice? Shame on me for clicking again. It will be the last time, I promise. (This morning was a prime example of that. Gaahhh.)

6. Don't Auto DM like it's 2006. That is all. Enough said.

5. Twitter is a SOCIAL media - not a soap box. To quote my very close, personal acquaintance* Scott Stratten, "Twitter is a conversation... I know, I know “TWITTER HAS NO RULES” and flippity-flo, but the point is if you believe that business is built on relationships, you have to make building them your business."¹ I will be honest here and say that if you follow me and I check out your timeline and you have interacted with zero people, I likely won't follow you back. You're obviously too self-important to have room for me in your Twitter life. And that also holds true with celebs - if they have over 3 million followers but follow zero, they are simply a douchebag.

4. Manual RT's have a time and place. I know Scott will disagree with me here because manual retweeting means it breaks the contextual history of a tweet, blardy blar blar, but in my opinion, sometimes they have a place.

Exhibit A:

By doing this, I not only replied to his tweet, but I also included his tweet to MY followers that might not necessarily follow him, so they see both the statement and the comeback. Again, it's not to be used all the time, but there are situations when it serves a purpose.

3. Hashtag smashtag. The primary purpose for a hashtag is to increase search results for particular words such as #savethechildren or #blogher12 etc, etc and can get your tweet seen by more people than just your followers - and even can help you gain new followers. Hashtags are also used as a joke or punchline, such as #gofuckyourself which, when used right, can be funny. Tweets such as "#join #theparty #forfunandgames" are simply obnoxious and serve little purpose other than telling me you have no idea what hashtags are for.

2. I ain't no follow back girl. I believe the notion of "Teamfollowback" is ridiculous. We all follow people (or companies) for different reasons - that is the beauty of Twitter. There should be ZERO push to follow people when I don't feel their tweets are of personal interest or relevance to me. Guilting (or begging) for follow-backs is like asking for everyone you like to like everything you do. Well, life doesn't work that way! You may follow me because you like my vagina jokes, but if your profile says you're into country music and Jesus, guess what? I respect that about you, but I don't want to read your tweets. Thanks for wanting to listen to my jokes and if you talk to me, I will likely respond but that's where our relationship ends... AND THAT'S OK.

1. Unfollowing: It happens. Sometimes people out-grow others or perhaps they become weary of others' dirty jokes and angst AND THAT'S OK TOO. It's like being at a party and you are allowed to come and go as you please. As someone walks out the door (unfollows) don't stop the party and yell to everyone, "Hey look who just unfollowed me!" That's not cool; not even a little bit. Don't ever, ever do that. I consider that a form of cyber bullying and I have no place or tolerance for dumb, juvenile bullshit like that. As much as Twitter is a social media tool to connect with people, it is equally a highly personalized experience and no two people's timelines are completely identical. Follow, don't follow, unfollow who you want and if there's any uncomfortable pressure to do anything you don't want to do, then the primary function of Twitter is lost. Block the assholes!

We already escaped high school once; there's no need to repeat that train wreck again, is there?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Rowan Atkinson Live: The Good Loser (watch - it's funny shit)

1. Scott Stratten, UnMarketing: "50,000 TWEETS AND ALL I GOT WAS EVERYTHING", June 7, 2010.

And I shall be a champion.

Before I begin, I should perhaps note some kind of disclaimer so I don't get hell's fury rained down upon me.
Texting while driving is bad; don't do it.

OK, now that THAT is over...

I think they're right to make texting while driving illegal because most people can't do it properly. I mean, come on, I remember when car phones first came out (actual portable ones, not the ones from the 80s) and people couldn't even talk and drive - AND THAT IS WHEN THEY STILL HAD BOTH EYES ON THE ROAD. I often wondered if those people had trouble eating and breathing at the same time. Life's tough for many, I know.

Just like only certain people who are really good at driving fast are allowed to do so on a race course as a competitive sport, I think there should be a "distracted drivers" circuit... and of course, I would be the Mario An-fucking-dretti of said circuit, just with nicer boobs and my penis is detachable.

Here is my proposed course and the particular challenges, of which all of them I would ROCK. Hercules can take his 12 labors and push them out his coccyx. Here's where it's at...

1. Off to a good start and then WHOA! I see you, first corner. You're of no consequence to me.

2. Motherfucker pulled out from a hidden driveway. Yeah, I saw that right in between my texts of "yr so funny" and "c u soon".

3. LEFT TURN. Switched the phone to my right hand as I crank that wheel and text like an ambidextrous rockstar.

4. School bus stopped to pick up kids. How could I NOT see that giant yellow bus. Fucking amateurs.

5. I laugh in the face of a roundabout. See? I just texted: "LOL" while going around it.

6. Stop light? Well, we're on a course, so I'm just going to go ahead and ignore that one, mmmk?

7. Cyclists! Your attempt at thinking you're equal to a motorized vehicle is amusing. If you had your mobile on, I would text, "Go fuck yrslf in the bicycle lane" as I drive past you at twice the speed.

And yet, through my anger, I maintain focus and no less than two bars on my 3G network.

8. Thirty year old skateboarder?! OK, so I just took him out, but that was on purpose. Deduct points, if you must. I shall come back after the race and wrap an Element t-shirt around the poll with a wreath, and simply write, "Sk8r 4eva".

9. Oh, what's this? A rail crossing? I'll speed up and fly over that shit with my gigantic beast of metal and car seats. 

10. Wow, that's a tight one! (That's what he said). And yet, although violently laughing at my own joke, I handle that corner with ease as I text to a friend, "Yr gonna love this 1. Ha!"

And after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I'll win the race - and they will pour breast milk all over me as I hoist the trophy over my head, (but it would be the pump n' dump breast milk crap from a woman that did a shit load of vodka & Kahlua shots the night before, so what's being poured all over my body is essentially a White Russian).

Like I would take viable breast milk intended for an actual baby. Pisshhha. I'm not a monster.

But still...the moral of this story? IS THAT I WIN.

Phalli for everyone!

I was minding my own business, partaking in my latest addiction which is the Etsy phenomenon, (I know Brandon feels my pain on this front.) when I came across this necklace. It's made of two of my favorite materials - Sterling silver and coral - but this one? This one just didn't look quite right...

I couldn't see myself wearing an infected, detached penis around my neck, even if it was hand-crafted and hypo-allergenic (although I might argue that last feature). I would hypothesize that the jeweler was perhaps oblivious to its rather obvious phallic reference, but it got me thinking:

HOW ELSE CAN I WASTE MORE TIME AND SEE WHAT ELSE IS ON ETSY THAT CATERS TO THE MALE'S MIGHTY SWORD? 

Oh! Here we go! I whittled it down into a super classy top ten for everyone. 

You're most welcome.

9. Penis pouch:

8. Crocheted Willypillies:

7. Penis soap:

6. Tiny Penis Bottle:

I had to include the listing info for this one...

"It's just a little prick."

5. Flying Penis:

4. Genital Earrings:

3. The Lovers:

2. Cunt necklace:

OK. So there is no phallus in this, but I loved the description so much...

It may be a bit on the bliggin' ghetto side, but it's kinda me... RIGHT?

But thee best - the one that stole my heart...

1. Black penis ring:

I cannot WAIT until hubs comes home and sees a black cock in me on me.

Totally.

Platypi out of nowhere!

Here's the thing - work is disgusting at the moment. I've been walking around in a fog for the past 3 weeks. Once tax season is over, I might be able to function vaguely like a normal person. I'm going to take this opportunity to share some drawings that a "friend" of mine has done. She usually does characters and books for the kidlets, but she also creates ones for the mature grown-ups, such as us... right? Ahem.

Here are my Top Ten characters - I hope you enjoy as much as I do! 

Here's the catch - list all 10 names (or as many as you can) in the comments and you will be entered to win a customized cartoon made for you, or a loved one - whatever you choose. It can be as cute & innocent or as kinky as you like - the sky's the limit, or at least, what she can be bothered trying to draw, but... pretty much anything.

Yay! So fun! 

Good luck, bitches ;)

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I've also been interviewed In The Powderroom today! Check it out, if you want to know more about me. 

(I know, it's a hard sell, but hey, I thought I'd put it out there anyway.) x

Let Your Backbone Slide

Apparently, there's been a mini trend for celebs (like Justin Beeeaver and The Queen) to make an appearance at weddings. That's cool and all, blardy, bar, bar... but THEN... then I saw something pretty motherfucking fantastic on the news yesterday. ->>

That's right, y'all. It's thee one and only Maestro Fresh Wes walking in while the groom is busting away on his (ridiculously famous, if you're Canadian) song, Let Your Backbone Slide.

HOW WICKED IS THE LOOK ON THE GROOM'S FACE?!
(or the bride's, for that matter ;)

LOVE IT.

So, of course I had to spread the love around and tell other people. Then, this was my morning...

My mind? Melted.

I'm not sure why he's calling me Ma... must be a Toronto thing. I've been out of the city for a little while, but it's totally OK. Ya know why? Because he's the fucking Maestro - that's why!

It got me to thinking - what would be the top songs that I love to sing along to (even in public, usually at weddings) and that I would completely lose my shit in the best possible way if these performers made a coincidental appearance to show me how it's done. These are specifically the songs I haven't heard in forever and actually don't even own copies of them (honestly, I don't, except Shoop - I need to start building my back catalog for realzies) but when they come on? Holy shit! I bust it out and sing them word-for-word since I have no shame... and basically because I'm a bat crap crazy white girl like that.

10. Digital Underground

Humpty Dance

9. Young MC

Bust A Move

8. Sir Mix-A-Lot

Baby Got Back (I Like Big Butts)

7. Tone-Lōc

Wild Thing or Funky Cold Medina (They're pretty much the same song)

6. Naughty By Nature

O.P.P.

  

5. DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince

Parent's Just Don't Understand

4. Beastie Boys

So What Cha Want

3. Maestro Fresh Wes

Let Your Backbone Slide

2. House of Pain

Jump Around

And by a landslide, also currently the ONLY song I've ever done (sober) karaoke to...

1. Salt N Pepa

Shoop

So, I'll pass it on to you...

What old school songs make you lose your freaking mind when they come on?

My (Not So) Deep Thoughts

I've wanted to catch up by doing one of these even more narcissistic posts that shamelessly intertwines my twittersphere with the blogsphere, so I'm finally getting around to it - mostly because I'm so gawd damn excited about the Vibration Studio moving in 2 blocks from my house that I can't think of anything else! However, I'm going to go by popular demand, rather than my personal favorites (which are, to my surprise, very different). I'm sure this would explain why I'm usually laughing at myself, by myself... but whatever.

These are the top ten of the most very deep thoughts and/or observations that I have produced over the last little while. Jack Handey? More like Hack Shmandy, am I right?

Just kidding.

I love you, Jack.

The scary thing is when I just read these back to myself as a single, scattered train of thought, 

I couldn't help but become increasingly self aware that... yup, this is me, all summed up.

I'll keep this post in mind for future reference if I ever need to do a summarized evaluation 

character sketch on myself.

My brain deserves a slow clap.

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Hey! I'm also In The Powder Room, talking about little boy penises again. Total coincidence, I swear. Come over and send some comment love for the quirky mommy version of me.

She's kind of nuts too, hence referring to myself in the third person.