Apr 26, 2011

Me, Myself & Jeremy

This is a purely hypothetical conversation that I've never had with Jeremy London, casting myself as an agent-slash-scriptwriter. Although it's totally ridiculous logical, I thoroughly I believe that if he ever actually read it, he'd say, "Wow, Lady E, you hit the nail right on the proverbial head with this one; it's like we've had this conversation in a parallel universe."

Yes, Jeremy London; a parallel universe, indeed.

The café is dark; the burgundy walls are randomly littered with Gothic style paintings which hide the disrepair of the walls. The light is low - glowing from tiny teardrop lights that dangle above every table. Jeremy is already seated at a table against the far wall, drinking an iced tea and tweeting something from his phone. He's laughing at himself; he thinks everything he tweets is exceptionally clever.

Lady Estrogen: Hi Jeremy. We need to get you into one of my screen plays.

Jeremy London: It's nice to see you too. I have been busy, you know.

LE: Yeah, yeah. I don't mean TwitterPimp big; I mean BIG - like, Ferris Bueller big. (pause) You know... you would have been really good in that movie.

JL: I was only 14 when it came out.

LE: Fine. Whatever. It's not like we can go back in time and cast you in it anyway. Don't split hairs with me, Jeremy. (Waitress brings her cappuccino to the table. She looks up and smiles.) Thank you.

Waitress: You're welcome. (She looks at JL while talking to LE)

LE: Oh, please. (Waitress leaves) How about I write you in something like an action/adventure where you go searching for some lost, important artifact?

JL: Like Indiana Jones? Or Laura Croft?

LE: Dammit. I forgot about them. Hhhhhow about one where you have to destroy a meteor that's going to crash into the earth?

JL: Like Armageddon? Or Deep Impact?

LE: Fuck! This is harder than I thought. What about a couple of guys that just got dumped by their girlfriends and they wander aimlessly... let's say... around a mall, to search for meaning and redemption?

JL: You're an idiot. I've already done THAT one... over 15 years ago.

LE: Shit. I knew it sounded familiar. I have a lot of ideas, you know. I'm just scratching the surface.

JL: Was that supposed to be funny?

LE: I do try.

JL: It wasn't.

LE: Maybe you need to do something with some serious 'edge', ooooo, like 'The Cunt Dragon Slayer'.

JL: What the fuck is a Cunt Dragon? Besides, that word won't go over well; Hollywood is a cruel bitch.

LE: What? Slightly offensive, yet mythical creatures are forbidden but Kevin can do a movie with bestiality and discuss going ass-to-mouth?

JL: Yep. And look how well that one did.

LE: I guess so. It's still bullshit though. How about if it was an off-Broadway musical?

JL: No.

LE: Theatrical production?

JL: NO!

(LE pauses for a deep thought while JL takes the last sip of his drink and the ice rattles in the glass.)

LE: Can I take a photo of you holding a sign that says, "I Love Cunt Dragons"?

(Long pause; JL looks severely annoyed, unimpressed and deflated.)

JL: No.

LE: You disappoint me, Jeremy.

JL: Well, I have to get going. It's been...

LE: Fun? Enlightening? A pleasure, as usual?

JL: (Rolling his eyes) Yeah, sure.

(He gets up and starts walking away; leaving LE sitting at the table.)

LE: I still have big plans for you, ya know. (Raising her voice as he's exiting the café) BIG FUCKING PLANS, JEREMY!

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Part Two - The dramatic sequel can be read here.

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31 comments:

  1. So, you know he'd love this , right?

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  2. ok cunt dragons and ass to mouth. That should get you some hits lol

    A

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  3. That - is - fucking - hysterical.

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  4. that is funny as fuck!!! xxx

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  5. You are so fckng funny!! That was perfect! Soooo funny. I would have done the pic for u. Sorry

    Jeremy London

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  6. Hahaha...Jeremy London...

    Now i know what generation you are. HAHAHA

    and didn't he have a twin?

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  7. @Lynn
    Yes, he does - Jason :)

    @Jeremy London
    I TOLD you it was for a good reason. You didn't trust me. You need to trust me more often - I have only good intentions & greatness in store for you.

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  8. GENIUS!

    I think it's important that you keep trying to come up with a screenplay for Jeremy London.

    How about a buddy cop movie, where he's undercover as TWITTER PIMP?

    I'm thinking Jason Bateman as his co-star.

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  9. This was hilarious. You so funny!! Love it!!

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  10. The only question is: How do you get Jeremy to read this??

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  11. I'd buy an "I love cunt dragons" t-shirt, and wear it proudly.

    But do they breathe fire, or just kind of queef?

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  12. You actually had this conversation on Twitter, didn't you?

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  13. What's wrong with cunt dragon? Everyones had a cunt dragon once in their life.

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  14. I love it..you captured Jeremy's arrogance umm.. likeness to a TEE! I LOVE YOU Jeremy, but I can see you acting this way except it would not be acting! This is quite a believable interaction with him. Well done.!!

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  15. My sister-in-law would be perfect for the cunt dragon. And she's cheap.

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  16. New Follower via Tuesday Train

    Life Below Zero
    http://casinofreebies3.blogspot.com/

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  17. @handflapper
    She may be cheap, but how hot is her fire? It's an important factor whilst casting for that role.

    @Lost.in.Idaho
    So, yes, they breathe fire - scorching hot snatches all around.
    No t-shirts for men as of yet, but mugs are currently available. Feel free to browse.

    @Anonymous (2)
    I'm glad it sounded believable - because it totally happened in my head, for real.

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  18. i have to tell you, that term - Cunt Dragon - cracks me up. the C word doesn't usually sit well with me, but there's someting about pairing it up a mythical fire breathing creature that suddenly make me comfortable with it.

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  19. Right, I'm finally here! Sat and laughed my ass off to this. Just when I think you can't get any wilder and funnier you surprise me.

    You cunt dragon genius you!

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  20. This takes me back to "The Man in the Moon". I'd give my left boob to see him holding up that sign. Fo sho!

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  21. You have one hell of a great blog! Plus you said cunt dragon! That's flipping awesome!

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  22. @Pamela
    I'm hoping for it - damn straight!

    @Rob
    Thanks for the compliments - always welcomed around here.

    @SAHMlovingit
    I don't know about genius, but "cunt dragon smart ass" will do. x

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  23. LOL...love cunt dragon! you're good bitch...really good!

    XxOo!

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  24. A FIRE-breathing cunt dragon. Yeah...totally bad ass.

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  25. You? Are fucking hilarious. Comedic gold, right here. (not here, but above. in the post.)

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  26. I want to go on record as saying I was at the conception of cunt dragon...and I expect to be at any conception between you and Jeremy. ;)

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  27. @Boobies
    We would make beautiful babies. LOL

    @Lauren
    THANK YOU - too bad that gold ain't worth shit - as of yet, anyway ;)

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  28. Damn it. I am so late to this party. Hmmph.

    Apologies.

    Although, I had to Google Jeremy London.

    And I am still not entirely certain of who he is.

    I may be too old for this conversation.

    Ahem.

    Ms. Estrogen, though?

    You, as always . . . fucking rock.

    Whoever this guy is?

    He is lucky to have you in his corner.

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  29. This is hilarious. He should have done Cunt Dragon Slayer. And it's awesome that he commented.

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  30. The piece w my bro MIGHT be one of the funniest things EVER. Whachoo got? Bring it. Ur good. Seriously. I'm honest. Brang that shit ta me

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  31. @Jason London
    Ha - thanks! Glad you liked it. I'll think about one for you, if you're really game! Beware!

    Don't worry, I'm a fucking professional :)

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