If you happened to have already read my husband's debut on my blog, then you're ahead of the game. If you didn't, I recommend reading it first... or don't... but this post will be MUCH more amusing if you have.
Dear Sir Testie,
You say that I have a lot of ideas, and this much is true. I often find it hard to sleep because I cannot shut off my brain. My friend told me this week that the movie Limitless is based on me – and I haven’t seen it so I’m not sure if that’s an insult or a compliment. If I won the lottery, oh, the awesome things I would/could do! Whenever I have a new idea, just remember that the question isn't "what are we going to do," the question is "what aren't we going to do?"
Also, I cannot deny that I love shopping. My pupils dilate and my heart races when I’m on a roll. The one thing that annoyed me is when you said I burn through YOUR pocks... hum... I have my own money, thank you very much... I get it from grandma. I recently bought a purple leather crocodile-textured wallet to match my purple purse & purple blackberry. It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.
Directions? Shmections. I have a fucking GPS... and I married YOU. You, the all wise and powerful transportation engineer. What more could I possibly need? I know where the grocery store is; I turn right at the big thingy and then left at the next thingy! I think you’re more annoyed by the fact that when you have to pick up the boys from daycare, I get your sweet ride for the day; its name is 'Precious'. I can’t leave any indications that I’ve used the car, which includes empty coffee cups or receipts. A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile.
Do I enjoy talking? O.K. You got me there as well. It’s a good thing you don’t or else we’d be constantly talking over each other. You just sit there and nod your head when I’m going off on a tangent – and I’m fine with that; I don’t like being interrupted. I meant to tell you! Oh My God, did you hear? My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31-flavors last night; I guess it’s pretty serious!
And finally, I think I’m smart? Hell, I know I’m smart! I recently joined the Union of Disgruntled Over-Educated Underemployed Bitches (UDOUB) and I think that says it all... besides, who is this Bueller that you speak of? I have no idea what you’re talking about and how does this relate to our discussion of the uses of irony?
My darling, my husband, you're a beautiful man. I want to thank you for your warmth and compassion.
That is all.
a.k.a. Cunt Dragon, a.k.a. Venus Fry Cook