I cannie believe it!

Ooooh, Gerard. You sure know how to talk to this lady.

And I accept.

Thank you, everyone that had come and gone, come and stayed, or just come -- 

all because of the smut vomit I have produced over the past 300 posts. Thank you, thank you.

I'd like to think I've written some good shit and that it has become a lot better since post #1, but on a purely superficial level, here are my top 3 "Fuck yeah" moments thus far.

3. When I randomly wrote a post about one of my favorite movies and the band that did the soundtrack to it. About a week later, I got a huge comment from THE MOTHER FUCKING LEAD SINGER. That was pretty fantastic. Yay, Amanda Kravat. You are wonderful! Her songs have meant so much to me for a very long time and still get me through rough times even today.

2. When I wrote a fictional post about Jeremy London because he's great jokes on Twitter, and I finally convinced him to take a photo for me saying that he loves Cunt Dragons. How much did my heart soar? Through the gawd damn roof, bitches!

1. I wrote and directed a music video based on stories that I have written for this blog. Did you hear? Oh, yeah... just in case I haven't whored it out enough. Because, really, how much whoring IS enough? It's really a grey area...

Jeremy's New Filmography

If you are just tuning in to the Jeremy London series, you might want to rewind to the first and second installment... or don't... whatever. Also? It was Jeremy's birthday, so this also doubles as a slightly belated birthday present to the big man.
MY FULL SUPPORT, BRUTHA -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Now, roll out the fiction...

Lady Estrogen (that's me, yay!) has been working diligently trying to get Jeremy into some big projects over the past few months. She's not overly good at her job, but dammit, she tries. Jeremy humors his struggling agent, but mostly because he can't be bothered finding a new one. Lady E is relaxing at a booth with red leather seats. She has a portfolio case sitting on the table and she sips her coffee as she eagerly waits for Jeremy. He enters the café and spots her, giving an unimpressed nod that he has seen her and approaches.

Jeremy London: Hey. I got your text. What was so urgent? I have a busy day today.

Lady Estrogen: Sure you do.

JL: Real nice.

LE: You know it comes from love, Jeremy.

JL: What do you want?

LE: I've had a breakthrough! I'm so excited - sit down... please.

JL: Ugh. Fine. You have 5 minutes.

LE: I love how you make time for me.

JL: The clock is ticking.

LE: Okay. Okay. Look, I want to spice up your filmography a teeny bit. I think it might do well to beef up your resume. I mean... we all do it - why not actors?

JL: What do you mean "beef up"?

LE: I got some random movie posters and I've added you to them!

JL: You can't do that! That's just fucking lying. You're ridiculous.

LE: They'll get lost in between your authentic jobs. Like I said, it's just filler. See? Here's the first one I did...

JL: GANGS OF NEW YORK?

LE: Wuh? You've heard of it?

JL: Umm, yeah. It's a pretty big movie.

LE: Huh. Never heard of it.

JL: Go figure.

LE: I think you just mocked me, but I'm going to rise above, Jeremy. RISE ABOVE.
   OK. How about this one? Titanic? You like tits, right?

JL: TIE-TAN-ICK. It's another big fucking movie. And? It won, like, 10 Academy Awards.

LE: Wow. I really need to take a trip to Blockbuster.

JL: That's fucking closed, darling.

LE: WHAT THE HELL? Are you serious or just fucking with me?

JL: I never fuck... with you.

LE: Well, you're missing out, but anyway, how about this one? You can't tell me THIS one was a big hit. It's from a while back, so I used one of your younger photos.

JL: What the hell is wrong with you? What movies HAVE you seen?

LE: Well, Mallrats... at least most of it, anyway. They lost me with the whole "a schooner is a sailboat" realization. What a mind fuck THAT was.

JL: Also... Why the hell is my head so damn big?

LE: I don't know - I matched it up to the dude's head underneath. I guess his head was big too.

JL: You mean LEONARDO DICAPRIO?

LE: Who?

JL (rubbing his forehead as if he's getting a migraine): Really?

  Actually... all of these posters have you replacing him with me. Did you notice?

LE: Total coincidence. Is he the orphan from Growing Pains?

JL: That detail you know, but Titanic you don't?

LE: I heard Kirk Cameron is selling bibles or some weird shit like that. Now that's def-in-ite-ly not the Kirk Cameron I masturbated to as a young girl.

JL: Wow. Have you been huffing glue?

LE: I don't think so. Why? Do you know many glue huffers?

JL: THAT was an insult. And your time is soooo up. 

(Jeremy is getting up out of the booth and adjusting the collar of his jacket)

I don't think I'll be needing your "ideas"... EVER.

LE: Wuh-wuh-wait. So, it's a 'No' then?

JL (with a look like someone just shit in his mouth): It's a big motherfucking NO.

By the way, don't text me again. If I need something, I'll be in touch.

LE: I'll reduce my services to only 7 PERCENT. How'd that be? I'll get you a limo! A nice stretch job with a TV and a bar! How's that sound?!

JL (He doesn't look back as he walks away from the booth): Don't care! Don't call!

LE (whispers dramatically to herself): I will win you back, Jeremy. 

(yells across the café): I WILL WIN YOU BACK IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!

Unfastened Friday 3.0

It's about that time again folks!
Enjoy these titillating tales and have a fabulous weekend :)

1. Quick on the Draw
Ok, so hubby and I have an open relationship. One of my shall we say turn ons is guys in uniform. So lucky me hubby was a firefighter and many of them happened to be EMTs. One of them decided he could handle me...

Ummm, yeah.

So he shows up one night to show off at his bedroom skills and he was on duty. The instant the tones dropped (a term used for setting off alarms to call for ambulances firetrucks, etc.) so did he. I mean, literally one second it was there, the next it was gone. Being the wife of a firefighter, I could honestly say that was not usually the case. I mean, adrenaline tends to keep things pumping. Yeah not for him...

I still call him Quick Draw McGraw.

Singedwingangel


2. Ripped and Torn
I had a boyfriend once who's fantasy was to rip my underwear off.

Having carefully selected some sexy (but cheap) knickers I told him to go for it one night.

We ended up in casualty, him with a broken finger and me with with a lace thong practically embedded in my lady parts!

I can proudly announce that I am NOT known for the looseness of my elastic (oh, and that using his teeth to remove them in the future turned out to be the better option)

Sarah Mac

3. One Hot Ass Coming Up

I am a huge guacamole fan. Simple ingredients; avocado, onion, tomato, salt and a jalapeno.

Yeah... that's where our lit'l tale begins, because with bedroom eyes and my fiery hot index finger, my partner and I discovered the true meaning of a hot ass.

Sparing the details, I can say this story ends realz badz, with me standin in a state of limp dick and my honey with an inflamed rectum. So sorry honey! So sorry that my jalapeno approach fell flat... some guacamole recipe! Left me feeling guilty/empty AND having to deal with 2 sets of blue balls!

Todd Carr


4. Sticky Stalker
I once had a stalker from Australia that sent me a video of herself. Her dog was licking peanut butter off her hoo-ha...
while looking at a photo of me.

Process that one.

Jeremy London

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If you have a 'quickie' story, then please send it to me here! It can be 100% anonymous if you like - just don't fill out the name & email field - it will STILL send if those aren't filled, yo!

Jeremy's North American World Tour

If you are a new reader, you might not have read the first installment of the legendary Lady Estrogen and Jeremy London imaginary conversation. Have a quick read, because like most sequels, apart from being tragically inferior to the original, previous plot lines are often referenced, so to have seen the original BEFORE the sequel is usually a good idea... unless you like being confused... if so, by all means, read on.

Lady Estrogen is sitting in a dark leather chair with an identical one across from her and a low coffee table sits in between; she is waiting for Jeremy. She is leaning over the table, reading the newspaper when he arrives and he collapses into the opposite chair with a deflated sigh.

Lady Estrogen: Welcome back! How was your trip?

Jeremy London: Exhausting and a little bizarre; I'm still recovering from it all.

LE: So, visiting your fans wasn't what you thought?

JL: To put it mildly.

LE: Well, don't keep me in suspense - show me the damn photos!

JL: OK, so the first stop was to meet Barbara in Ohio. She was ready and waiting when I arrived.

LE: She did her hair all pretty like, just for you. Aweeee.

JL: She slobbered on me... (winces) and it tasted like spam.

LE: Yum.

JL: Then this guy, Darren, told us to meet him in the forest somewhere in Northern Michigan; it was a little off-putting.

LE: I'm sure it was.

JL: He asked if he could kiss my pegasus. I still don't know how he knew I had a pet miniature pegasus.

LE: I don't think he said 'Pegasus', Jeremy.

JL: Well, he seemed to enjoy giving Persephone a little smootch.

LE: Persephone?

JL: YES! What the hell would you call YOUR pet pegasus? 

LE: I never really thought about it. I'm just impressed by your alliteration skills.

JL: You're a bitch.

LE: What can I say? You bring out the best in me.

JL: AAAANYWAY, we then met up with this Raymond character in Sault Saint Marie. His house smelled like moth balls and dirty boxer shorts; I tried not to be more than 4 feet from any given exit route.

LE: I like his glasses - très sexy. Are they Transition lenses?

JL: Seriously?

LE: What? It's a genuine question.

JL: I don't fucking know, nor do I care. I'm just relieved I got out of there without him pushing me into a hole in his basement.

LE: I would have saved you.

JL: Whatever. After I left his place, I took a hot shower and scrubbed the creepy off me.

LE (winks): I'm sure he took a shower too.

JL: Thanks for that; I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

LE: It's one of my many talents; I've gotta be me.

JL: Please, for the love of fuck, don't start singing.

LE: Ugh. FINE.

JL: Then, we made it to Toronto just in time to witness the Slut Walk; it was good times.

LE: I'm sure you were a big supporter.

JL: Anything for a good cause, right? I tried to enjoy it from a distance.

LE: What's wrong? Too scared to mingle up close with the local sluts?

JL: I never said I was a man of the people... just a man FOR the people.

LE: That's from Gladiator.

JL: Shit.

LE: You should know better than to try and sneak a movie quote passed me. I mean, really, Jeremy. It's like sometimes you don't know me at all.

JL (rolls his eyes): Anyhow, I have to get going.

LE: You just got here! You're always in a hurry when you come meet with me.

JL: What can I say? YOU bring out the "I just remembered I gotta be somewhere else" in me.

LE: It's a fine line between love and hate, isn't it? 

JL: Yup. I balance that shit like a ginger midget on a tight rope.

LE: You just HAD to throw in a midget reference, didn't you?

JL: It's all apart of that same fine line.

LE: Saint Jeremy, slayer of cunt dragons and lover of ginger midgets.

JL: Don't try to bring that stupid shit up with me again, I'm NOT going to do a movie about cunt dragons.

LE: Even if it was an Arthouse flick?

JL: Look at my face.

LE: I'm looking.

JL: What is my face telling you?

LE: That you're annoyed with me and ...also? That you actually love cunt dragons. Am I right?

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In honor of my 200th post, and because Jeremy London is such an awesome sport about all this, 

I'll be giving away one of my infamous Cunt Dragon mugs! YAY! 

Everyone that leaves a comment will be entered into the draw. GOOD LUCK!

Move Over Struzan, There's a New Bitch in Town

Well, maybe not. But I thought it was time I combined my talents obsessions into one piece of work. Movies, Design and Humor - what more could a girl ask for in order to entertain oneself at 1 o'clock in the morning? So, yes, just in case you're slow to the plate, and to cover my ass, this poster is 100% F-A-K-E. Satan bless the internet for good quality celebrity images for me to lift.

Like the title? I could so see it working! It would be one of those Rom-Coms that reveals all the awesome jokes in the preview but then flattens out a little in the full feature. You know, because it has a few slow bits and drags ever so slightly in the middle. 2 1/2 stars, I'm thinking, possibly 3. Of course, it would have been my screenplay as well, so I am my worst critic.

* Drew Struzan is a graphic artist that has done over 100 movie posters, including Indiana Jones, Star Wars and Back to The Future. He is a god & telling him to move over is blasphemous - which, of course, is why I did it. I love blasphemy.

Me, Myself & Jeremy

This is a purely hypothetical conversation that I've never had with Jeremy London, casting myself as an agent-slash-scriptwriter. Although it's totally ridiculous logical, I thoroughly I believe that if he ever actually read it, he'd say, "Wow, Lady E, you hit the nail right on the proverbial head with this one; it's like we've had this conversation in a parallel universe."

Yes, Jeremy London; a parallel universe, indeed.

The café is dark; the burgundy walls are randomly littered with Gothic style paintings which hide the disrepair of the walls. The light is low - glowing from tiny teardrop lights that dangle above every table. Jeremy is already seated at a table against the far wall, drinking an iced tea and tweeting something from his phone. He's laughing at himself; he thinks everything he tweets is exceptionally clever.

Lady Estrogen: Hi Jeremy. We need to get you into one of my screen plays.

Jeremy London: It's nice to see you too. I have been busy, you know.

LE: Yeah, yeah. I don't mean TwitterPimp big; I mean BIG - like, Ferris Bueller big. (pause) You know... you would have been really good in that movie.

JL: I was only 14 when it came out.

LE: Fine. Whatever. It's not like we can go back in time and cast you in it anyway. Don't split hairs with me, Jeremy. (Waitress brings her cappuccino to the table. She looks up and smiles.) Thank you.

Waitress: You're welcome. (She looks at JL while talking to LE)

LE: Oh, please. (Waitress leaves) How about I write you in something like an action/adventure where you go searching for some lost, important artifact?

JL: Like Indiana Jones? Or Laura Croft?

LE: Dammit. I forgot about them. Hhhhhow about one where you have to destroy a meteor that's going to crash into the earth?

JL: Like Armageddon? Or Deep Impact?

LE: Fuck! This is harder than I thought. What about a couple of guys that just got dumped by their girlfriends and they wander aimlessly... let's say... around a mall, to search for meaning and redemption?

JL: You're an idiot. I've already done THAT one... over 15 years ago.

LE: Shit. I knew it sounded familiar. I have a lot of ideas, you know. I'm just scratching the surface.

JL: Was that supposed to be funny?

LE: I do try.

JL: It wasn't.

LE: Maybe you need to do something with some serious 'edge', ooooo, like 'The Cunt Dragon Slayer'.

JL: What the fuck is a Cunt Dragon? Besides, that word won't go over well; Hollywood is a cruel bitch.

LE: What? Slightly offensive, yet mythical creatures are forbidden but Kevin can do a movie with bestiality and discuss going ass-to-mouth?

JL: Yep. And look how well that one did.

LE: I guess so. It's still bullshit though. How about if it was an off-Broadway musical?

JL: No.

LE: Theatrical production?

JL: NO!

(LE pauses for a deep thought while JL takes the last sip of his drink and the ice rattles in the glass.)

LE: Can I take a photo of you holding a sign that says, "I Love Cunt Dragons"?

(Long pause; JL looks severely annoyed, unimpressed and deflated.)

JL: No.

LE: You disappoint me, Jeremy.

JL: Well, I have to get going. It's been...

LE: Fun? Enlightening? A pleasure, as usual?

JL: (Rolling his eyes) Yeah, sure.

(He gets up and starts walking away; leaving LE sitting at the table.)

LE: I still have big plans for you, ya know. (Raising her voice as he's exiting the café) BIG FUCKING PLANS, JEREMY!

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Part Two - The dramatic sequel can be read here.

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