If I were to proclaim my true beliefs, it would be pretty much word-for-word based on the movie Dogma. "Do you believe?" "No. But I have a pretty good idea." Exactly, Kevin Smith, exactly indeed.
So, grade 8 was the last year that I attended Catholic school. During the final preparation Confessional for our Confirmation (which is kind of like a Bat Mitzvah, but way less celebrated and hardly any, if not no money or presents are received, dammit). I was sitting beside my best friend and due to extreme boredom, her mind started wandering.
My friend leaned over to whisper to me, "Jesus is kinda sexy."
I smiled. "Stop it."
"No. Seriously. Imagine if he actually looked like that? I'd do him."
I'm trying so fucking hard to contain myself. "Shhhhh. STOP."
"He's kinda got the tortured rock star thing happening - but with real torture. That's hot." And then she purred.
I was physically biting my tongue at this point. "Oh my God, please shut up. I'm going to piss myself, seriously!" I could tell she was in it for gold; she wanted me to lose it.
We get an evil glare from one of the teachers and a loudly whispered, "LADIES, SHHHHHH!"
She rolled her eyes back at the teacher and when the coast was clear, she continued, "I wonder how big his dick was. Do you think he ever masturbated?"
Now, I'm getting a headache from trying so hard to hold in my laughter. "I hate you."
"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: If you were having sex with Jesus and you yelled out, 'Oh, God' would that be like calling out his father's name during sex, or because of the whole Holy Trinity thing, would it just be like calling out his own name?"
The pressure was too much, but before I laughed, a fart escaped.
One single loud fart.
Then I laughed even louder, mostly to cover up the fart. My voice echoed through the whole church and everyone stopped to look at us. My friend was watching with euphoric delight at the spectacle I made of myself; I completely lost control. My head ached and my stomach hurt from tensing up my muscles for so long.
Of course, it was just me that got punished, as that same teacher pointed to only me with her long, bony finger and said one word: "OUT!"
I managed to make it through my actual Confirmation both laugh and fart free, but since that day, I could never look Jesus in the eyes - even if they were rolled back in his head.
On another note: I haven't been to Confession since that day - when I was still a virgin. Holy mutha fucking shit, I've got a lot of 'splainin' to do! Maybe I'll just give my priest a copy of my book and say, "Here - read this. I'll be back in 2 weeks to discuss. Thanks."