Apr 23, 2011

Owe, My Blasphemer

I am a Catholic; I inherited it and sometimes like race or culture, it's not always what you may have chosen for yourself, but you embrace it with a certain amount of pride, often in spite of yourself. That's me and my religion, in a nutshell - we're very love/hate. There are a lot of things I think are VERY hypocritical about the Christian faith - but then again, I find equal amounts of hypocrisy in other religions as well. It's all ridiculous at times.

If I were to proclaim my true beliefs, it would be pretty much word-for-word based on the movie Dogma. "Do you believe?" "No. But I have a pretty good idea." Exactly, Kevin Smith, exactly indeed.

So, grade 8 was the last year that I attended Catholic school. During the final preparation Confessional for our Confirmation (which is kind of like a Bat Mitzvah, but way less celebrated and hardly any, if not no money or presents are received, dammit). I was sitting beside my best friend and due to extreme boredom, her mind started wandering.

My friend leaned over to whisper to me, "Jesus is kinda sexy."

I smiled. "Stop it."

"No. Seriously. Imagine if he actually looked like that? I'd do him."

I'm trying so fucking hard to contain myself. "Shhhhh. STOP."

"He's kinda got the tortured rock star thing happening - but with real torture. That's hot." And then she purred.

I was physically biting my tongue at this point. "Oh my God, please shut up. I'm going to piss myself, seriously!" I could tell she was in it for gold; she wanted me to lose it.

We get an evil glare from one of the teachers and a loudly whispered, "LADIES, SHHHHHH!"

She rolled her eyes back at the teacher and when the coast was clear, she continued, "I wonder how big his dick was. Do you think he ever masturbated?"

Now, I'm getting a headache from trying so hard to hold in my laughter. "I hate you."

"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: If you were having sex with Jesus and you yelled out, 'Oh, God' would that be like calling out his father's name during sex, or because of the whole Holy Trinity thing, would it just be like calling out his own name?"

The pressure was too much, but before I laughed, a fart escaped.
One single loud fart.

Then I laughed even louder, mostly to cover up the fart. My voice echoed through the whole church and everyone stopped to look at us. My friend was watching with euphoric delight at the spectacle I made of myself; I completely lost control. My head ached and my stomach hurt from tensing up my muscles for so long.

Of course, it was just me that got punished, as that same teacher pointed to only me with her long, bony finger and said one word: "OUT!"

I managed to make it through my actual Confirmation both laugh and fart free, but since that day, I could never look Jesus in the eyes - even if they were rolled back in his head.

On another note: I haven't been to Confession since that day - when I was still a virgin. Holy mutha fucking shit, I've got a lot of 'splainin' to do! Maybe I'll just give my priest a copy of my book and say, "Here - read this. I'll be back in 2 weeks to discuss. Thanks."


  1. Fart in church: Sit in own pew.
    Dogma: Isn't that Snoopy's mom?
    I got LOADS of crap for my Confirmation.
    "Bless me, father for I have sinned. It's been since the Johnson Administration since my last confession and these are my sins. You gotta be anywhere soon, Father?"
    Nuns can't.
    Lay teachers can.
    OK, I'll stop now.

  2. @Al
    LUCKY YOU - I think I got a Rosary and a prayer book for my Confirmation; that's it.
    Snoopy's mom? Wuah, waa, wuuhh.

  3. I got a bike, $50, and macaroni salad. But, I had to kiss my great-grandmother.
    I even had a confirmation name (you MUST'VE gotten one, too). It was/is Michael.

  4. I was always seriously tempted to break out in raucous laughter in church, or really anywhere it would be inappropriate. I know, what a naughty streak.

    I also used to think if I burped with my mouth closed, no one could hear it but me. This misunderstanding was clarified for me by my parents after one particularly gassy service.

  5. what? you farted in church? i thought all bodily function besides breathing & heart pumping were supposed to stop when we walkd in!
    ixy's not so silent burping is funny!
    al, you GOT macaroni salad? like as a gift?
    btw, my word verification is "blugh". that actually made me giggle. cuz that's what i'd say if someone gave me macaroni salad as a gift.

  6. See, and there was me thinking I was bad for farting in a yoga lesson. Seems I was wrong ;-)

  7. @Al
    Yes, I did. I love how they stressed NOT to pick a name just because it's cool, but rather because of what the Saint actually did - meh, they all died for their beliefs - I went with the cool name - Adria.

  8. Thanks for sharing that. I would have been completely mortified. Luckily, at our services nobody stops talking and you can pretty much get away with [quiet-ish] bodily functions. I always feel bad for the religious guy. It's a tough room.

    I love Dogma - I keep re-watching it, enjoying it every time.

  9. I was totally caught off guard by the fart. I almost farted myself I laughed so hard....

  10. At least you accomplished your intial goal of avoiding pissing yourself. In a way, the fart worked in your favor.

  11. Oh man, if I had to do confession I'd have to bring a sleeping bag and something to to eat! Also? I can't believe you farted in church! I would have just died.

  12. Now that you said it, jesus IS actually kind of... umm... HOT?!?

    Bitchzilla on The loose.

  13. BAHAHA!! oh that's a good story!

  14. Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey?

    Is that actually one of his "thoughts?"

    I just love that!

    So much giggling.


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