Apr 14, 2011

Why Wedding Dresses are like Cocaine

I was never a girlie-girl. When other girls were playing Hop-Scotch or Barbies, I was at the local pond catching frogs. My mother would occasionally sew me a dress and I would reluctantly wear it a couple times, although it was usually made for a particular event to which it was a necessity to wear it.

I was very good at ruining pretty things. I can even recall at my mother's wedding, I had ripped the lace hem clear off my flower girl's dress and my Aunt was frantically sewing it back on in the limo while I was completely hysterical. Shit! Dresses are so much maintenance! Too much.

So, when it came time to try on wedding dresses, I was not overly enthusiastic. My mother, nor any of my bride's maids were in the same country as I was at this point, so I went by myself to try on a couple... testing out the shark infested waters, so to speak. I went to this small shop in my local town and it was definitely a sensory overload when I walked in. The shop owner was a plump little Italian lady with an amusing Italian/Scottish accent. She must have immigrated to the UK at least 20 years ago.

You try this one.
And this one.
And maybe this one.

All three looked fucking hideous to me and she could tell I didn't look impressed. She flared her nostrils at me and said, "Oi! Just try them!"

And then she followed me into the changing stall.

Ack! What the hell was going on? I quickly figured out that these dresses weren't to be handled by anyone else but her. After my initial shock, I was OK with her being there. I have a poky Italian grandmother that's been coming in the change rooms with me since I was a kid, cupping my boobs and pinching my ass when she didn't like the fit of something on me; I was used to being molested by Italian women.

After she poured me into the first dress, which had a corset with highlighted boning and a flared skirt, I turned around to look in the mirror. My pupils dilated and my heart began to race.

I looked ridiculously fucking awesome!

The same thing happened with the other two dresses... and another two that I had found. I didn't hate any of them; it was just varying degrees of love. What was wrong with me? I was high on wedding dresses and I loved the feeling; I didn't want it to end.

I knew I would have to pace myself. I held off on getting another wedding dress fix for about three weeks. I was jonzing by that time and as I approached the next dress shop on my hit list, I felt my anticipation rising.

It didn't disappoint. Dress after dress after dress.

After my fourth euphoric dress-trying-on session, I knew I had to either piss or get off the pot. I had learned what I wanted by then and admitted to myself that I was getting a little too addicted to the whole process of it all. Those dresses were like cocaine... beautifully white and fluffy no matter the cut; I wanted to snort them all! I realised I had to quit cold turkey and just buy one already!

I suffered from withdrawals until the day came when MY dress arrived. It was mine for all eternity! [insert evil laugh here] The wedding day went by WAY too quick! Some days I want to just put it on to lounge around the house or do laundry in it. It was beautiful, elegant and GIRLIE, but at the same time, it was different and unconventional, just like me.

I was in love with my dress, along with matching bolero jacket (it was -13 degrees out) and my special ordered velvet navy blue Doc Marten's. Yes, you heard me right! There is a strong possibility that if they did a last minute Groom switch, I might not have even noticed!

So, you probably want to know which one I decided on, right? OK. Here you go.



  1. OMG That is so pretty. I would have loved a dress like that. I can honestly say that I hated my dress! Now 10 years on I dream of renewing our vows so I can have the perfect dress to go with the great wedding.

  2. That's an awesome dress and with the boots would have looked just right! 12 holed were they?


  3. beautiful! i am so jealous. i had a small wedding with just my immediate family and a couple friends. i wish my parents had offered to pay for a big wedding, we didn't have the money.
    (and our ten year anniversary just passed and was supposed to be special, but i threw my back out and my tattoo artist f'ed up my drawing so the day was crap. and now i am going to go cry myself to sleep now, good night!)

  4. Egad. E-fucking-gad. That is not a dress, sweetheart. That is a full on gown and it is amazing!

  5. I didn't get the whole wedding dress hysteria thing - I went into a shop under protest with my mother and trying to annoy her after she made me try on a full splayed meringue I grabbed a size 22 dress (I was a size 8) but being helpful (not) they pinned it and then felt guilty they put so much effort into it I bought it there and then when I left him I cut it up (sorry redesigned it), dyed it black and hey presto I had my evening dress for my divorce party :D

  6. Never had a wedding. Makes me want to go out and buy a wedding gown just to have that 'high'!
    Wonderful post and the gown is absolutely breath-taking!

  7. I love the blue in the dress. Do you have a picture of your shoes? Those sound interesting.

  8. OMFG, that wedding gown is to die for. Stunning is an understatement!

  9. @Bernie
    I found a photo online of the boots:

    Sorry Alejandro, they only came in 8-hole.

    @Not Blessed Mama
    We didn't have the money either. We had a cocktail wedding in the afternoon instead of a dinner. It was perfect. Then a dinner with only immediate family & wedding party (15ish) - from beginning to end, the entire event was around $8,500. That dress was only $300!!

    You kill me. That's awesome. I think I watched an episode of Project Runway that did something like that with a bunch of divorcees' dresses. It rocked!

  10. I must be very picky about dresses, I was never that way. This is the way I was. The first marriage (ick), I tried on dress after dress at David's Bridal, hated them all until they put one one me I LOVED, but couldn't afford. Went to a different place, tried on dress after dress, hated them all until we went to the destination wedding dress section and BINGO!
    The second time around, I knew I wanted a destination wedding dress so I made a beeline for that section. I tried on one....yes ONE DRESS and that was the one I got married in! Can you believe that? And that's the marriage that took!

  11. Three weddings -- no bridal gowns, no attendants, no guests, no parties, no invitations, no mess, no bother, and no luck until the third one was the charm. I HATE shopping for anything (except maybe online) and trying shit on is waaay beyond my tolerance level. On the other hand, I love that dress.

  12. When I was engaged I went to ONE store. I tried on dresses with my fiance (yes, he saw the dress. But not to worry, we didn't get married in the end, lol) and chose a dress that... well, in the end, I didn't love. I was giddy on trying on dresses. That cocaine thing you described? Oh yes. But, like I said, in the end I didn't have to walk down the aisle in a dress I didn't like, because in the end I didn't walk down the aisle at all.

    I love the dress your chose. It's so pretty!

  13. Wow...pretty lady...that is awesome...I love the alternating colours and the train...omg...I think I'm gonna cry...seriously though, nice job GF, it is beyond stunning :) As R U :)

  14. Stunning. And I'm sure the Doc Marten's complimented the dress fabulously. I was always a wear a dress with combat boots kinda chick.

  15. Wow!love it and with docs-class in a glass!

  16. Beautiful. Weddings are, and rightfully so, all about the bride. My wife looked stunning. Meanwhile I was relegated to white tuxedo with tails. I kinda looked like an uber-80s Barney Rubble in formal wear. Oo la la.

  17. I work in a bridal/party dress store. it's addicting :)

  18. *jumping up and down*


    I'm so damned excited about this post that my fingers are typoing like crazy and I'm having to delete all my mistakes!!!

    There is NOTHING I love more than wedding gowns!!
    Thank you for making me soooo happy!!

  19. OMG! That is absolutely stunning! I love it! I'll bet you were irresistible!! =)

  20. i didn't love the wedding dress shopping business cuz i was broke & don't like fluffy dresses, but i did find one that i really liked & only $150.
    i love your nontraditional choice! and way to go with not wearing white heels.

  21. My pupils dilated and pulse sped at the mention of "velvet navy blue Doc Martens" Fuckin' DRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOL

    and that dress is GOORGEOUS!

  22. GORGEOUS DRESS!!!! I wish they had it with a pink accent - then I'd be in love! Though the red version is pretty too...

  23. The collingwood colours and devine style make the perfect choice for the perfect bride on her perfect day.

  24. I love that story! I am a girly-girl but like you tried on WAY too many dresses and looked reasonably good in all of them. I never got that 'this is the one feeling' which kind of sucked. Come to think of it I didn't get it about my husband either.

    OK, that's not funny and I'm just kidding....

  25. Your dress looks great, but the Docs I have to see!
    I was a reluctant wedding dress shopper too, but had the same experience in the first shop I walked into. But there was 'the one' that stole my affections, and I couldn't wait to wear it. It was my one and only 'princess' moment and it felt superb.

  26. Hi there, visiting via the Fibro; loved your post, watched the Royal Wedding last night and loved it... generally fond of wedding dresses but have NEVER worn one myself. International Man of Mystery and myself together 16 years and four kids... not rushing into it!!

  27. Wowza, that's a dress and a half! And love the matching Docs. I wore adidas old-school sneakers to my wedding (you know, the white ones with the silver stripes). Worked for me!! x

  28. I love this! You're my kind of bride and you're absolutely gorgeous!

  29. Wow - look at that frock! I'd never have picked you as a wedding frock kind of gal, but I think you're right, they have that effect on every woman...

    Thanks for Rewinding at the Fibro!

  30. LOL, I didn't even want to get married in a "real" wedding dress and I got sucked in just like you did! Gorgeous! Just for the record my husband-to-be picked my wedding dress and I know everyone said that meant our marriage is doomed, we are still together at the moment but if we ever split up then I will be waiting for everyone to say "That's because you took him shopping for your wedding dress".

  31. Oh beautiful!!
    You've surprised me with this choice!
    I love it.


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