Oct 5, 2011

Dance, Dance, Dance

One of the writing prompts for Mama Kat's this week is to write about a slow dancing experience. Good gawd! Just one? Seriously? I can't do it -- but what I can do is a Top 10 of kerfuffles that I lived through at various dances and proms. In addition, I also can usually remember the song that surrounded any given said teenage train-wreck. Good. Fucking. Times.
10. Getting kicked in the face from some asshole that was crowd surfing... at a prom. I had a sexy L-shaped gash on my forehead which coordinated nicely with my wine-colored dress. (Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana)

9. Leaving half way through the dance to give my boyfriend a blow job behind the balcony bleachers. (I Will Always Love You, Whitney Houston) There's humming music if I ever heard it. Ahem.

8. Getting together (Everything I Do, Bryan Adams) AND breaking up with Marcus during the same night. (My Prerogative, Bobby Brown) It's definitely a record for my shortest relationship... approximately 7 songs. I never even got to feel his junk.

7. Having Justin slow dance with me was bliss in itself, and then he started squeezing my ass. I was so excited, I almost passed out from the euphoria. I thought this was it... we were finally going to hook up. Oh my god, Stephanie! Keep your fucking cool! ... Ummm... nope. He was just ridiculously drunk and ended up with some random girl that resembled a Treasure Troll later that night. (End of the Road, Boyz II Men)

6. Making out with my first 'real' high school boyfriend during the entire length of Stairway to Heaven, which I recounted in a previous post, describing how we both looked at each other, smiled and then we partook in some rather shamelessly sloppy PDA in the middle of the dance floor... for the entire 8 minute epic. It was a long time not to come up for air! One of the senior girls from the basketball team slapped me hard on the ass while yelling really loudly, "Way to go, baby skank!"

5. I was asked to dance by one of the older guys from the basketball team. I couldn't really say no, politics and what not, so off I went to the middle of the dance floor with him. As soon as he brought me close I smelled it - his fucking putrid stale body odor. Holy shit, it was noxious. Oh yes... and his giant boner poking into my pelvic bone didn't help matters much either. And the song? Fucking November Rain by Guns N' Roses, which I should mention is NINE MINUTES LONG. I decided to NOT focus on the stinky penis burrowing into my stomach and rather on not vomiting instead.

4. Upon hearing Welcome to the Jungle at our Senior Formal after about 6 Bacardi and Cokes, I located a Mike's Hard Lemonade baseball cap (its origins is still a mystery) and squeezed it over my $80 up-do and proceeded to throw myself into a drunken mosh pit. The hat didn't exactly match my velvet and satin mermaid gown... which also ripped. Classy.
*I should also mention our year was the LAST year they "legally" allowed alcohol at the formal. Oops!

3. I did mushrooms at a MuchMusic video dance party and I-HAD-A-BAD-EXPERIENCE. Lasers, dry ice, crowds of people and Marilyn Mason's The Beautiful People video did NOT mix well when hallucinating. I'm chalking that one up to a hard-earned life lesson.

2. In grade 10, the first major public appearance of myself with my latest boyfriend was at a school dance. When we started making out on the dance floor, some people were aghast and noticeably offended. As it turned out, a majority of the student body assumed we were brother and sister because we had the same last name. Nope, just coincidence, people! Nothing to see here but two completely unrelated horny teenagers. Thanks. (With or Without You, U2)

1. Slow dancing with one of the older 'jocks' that I had an unhealthy fascination with. We had both been drinking and he started to put the moves on me. I was currently in a fight with a freshly ex-boyfriend, so I was also feeling all 90210ishly vengeful and slutty. I started making out with him, feeling his sweaty upper lip smear all over my face. I thought I would have enjoyed it, but I was disgusted with his 'over enthusiastic' tongue which was like a pointy slug having a seizure in my mouth. It's important to also note that he was only 5'1". It is most likely that this night marked the turning point that began my downward spiraling and paralyzing aversion to little people. (Closer, NIN) Ugh.

And in honor of this post, I couldn't resist!

Mama's Losin' It


  1. What? No safety dance??

    Great list. You've been swinging home runs this week.

    ...wanna do a guest post on mine??

  2. Bacardi & coke has been my downfall many, many times. I can't even bare the smell of it anymore. In fact, I'm feeling nauseated right now...

  3. I laughed throughout the list, but especially at #2. Hahahaha!!!

  4. #10 Hahahahaha! Sorry to be laughing at your expense, but seriously, how the hell did that happen? I would probably have beaten the sh*t out of that guy with my kitten heels and freshly manicured claws, if not with the band's guitar, just like in "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

    #5 Eeewww. And to think that I always wished the dramatic part at the end, that goes "Don't ya think that you need somebody?" over and over, would never end.

    "Somebody" by Depeche Mode. Best slow song ever ;)

  5. OH Lord your memory is way better then mine. Um my first slow 'dance' was on roller skates. Oh yeah baby I am THAT old.

  6. #2 is hilarious #5 sadly I have had that experience not to a slow song though, my mother on the other hand has and to a slow song as well. Sadly I have had to hear that story many times. Thanks mother dearest ugh!

  7. @Bridget

    Surprisingly, I still enjoy them. She sings about Coke & Bacardi in that song - cracks me up!


    You. Are. Old. But. Awesome ;)


    What you want?
    Sweaty is still waiting for one too, but I'm open for ideas.

    @Lady Goo Goo Gaga

    I'm a friggin' elephant.

  8. We would have been such good friends in HS... I just know it! Hard drinking, mosh pitting, student athletes with a penchant for hard core making out at dances with random people.... sums up my high school years nearly perfectly! Or we would have totally hated each other because we were too much alike!

  9. @Random Girl

    We would have been frenemies. hahaha

  10. I could sit and listen to your high school experiences for HOURS...you were such a rebel.

    Sorry for calling you a baby skank.

  11. I love living vicariously through your blog. I had to remind myself where you were when I read that was the last year they served alcohol legally at school dances.

  12. @Leigh Ann

    Hahaha - yeah - a lot of us were of legal drinking age at the prom (19) and we just wore wrist bands if we were old enough.
    Those that were born AFTER June could suck on it! lol

  13. Your HS years sound more horny than I've been in my whole life...I think I need to borrow some of your hormones. I remember that guy's voice in the video from an actual disco instructional record that came complete with a book including pictures of all the steps - I swear that was the same guy.. In my defense, I was only about 8 or 9

  14. As soon as I read the first paragraph I knew this was going to be good and you did NOT disappoint.
    I think you have enough memories for two lifetimes.
    this is getting retweeted my dear. ;-)

  15. Yes, it is official: I will from this point forward be living vicariously through you. You have enough adventures to share and I could use some excitement!

  16. Wow, and that was just the dances. You had some high school years, lady. Besides normal slow dancing with my husband and long time boyfriend my only recollection was slow dancing with my junior prom date whom I decided I did not like, and feeling his boner. OMG, I had never felt that before and I was horrified! He was a college freshman who probably thought he was going to get laid that night. He was wrong.

  17. @Emily

    Hahaha - yeah - the slow dance boner is not pleasant, particularly if you don't like the guy to begin with.


    Let me know, and I'm sure you can have a few of mine. LOL


    Thanks for the retweet, darling.


    I friggin' love that video - rockin' it old school :)

  18. I'm dying. The Beautiful People would be downright scary if your mind is clouded by anything...caffeine included.

    As for #5, I once had an insanely tall hockey player come up behind me and press his hard unit into the middle of my back (I'm not short, by the way) while dancing. My reaction was not good for his ego.

    Great list. Way to go, Baby Skank.

  19. OH, this was awesome! I love your soundtrack and how you just tell it like it is!

  20. Is it a blessing or a curse you have such a good memory? Hs and college yrs seem more blurry for me though I sense that I had some similar experiences. Love your blog posts as usual. Genious. Have a fabulicious day. H.

  21. @Dana

    Your approval means so much ;)


    I'd think 60/40 blessing/curse.

  22. I heard almost all of these songs but damn, do you have some memories to go with them.

  23. Oh, my god. This was brilliant. Truly.

    I can smell the angsty teen perspiration from here.

    Thanks for baring your soul. I totally needed this.


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