10. Getting kicked in the face from some asshole that was crowd surfing... at a prom. I had a sexy L-shaped gash on my forehead which coordinated nicely with my wine-colored dress. (Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana)
9. Leaving half way through the dance to give my boyfriend a blow job behind the balcony bleachers. (I Will Always Love You, Whitney Houston) There's humming music if I ever heard it. Ahem.
8. Getting together (Everything I Do, Bryan Adams) AND breaking up with Marcus during the same night. (My Prerogative, Bobby Brown) It's definitely a record for my shortest relationship... approximately 7 songs. I never even got to feel his junk.
7. Having Justin slow dance with me was bliss in itself, and then he started squeezing my ass. I was so excited, I almost passed out from the euphoria. I thought this was it... we were finally going to hook up. Oh my god, Stephanie! Keep your fucking cool! ... Ummm... nope. He was just ridiculously drunk and ended up with some random girl that resembled a Treasure Troll later that night. (End of the Road, Boyz II Men)
6. Making out with my first 'real' high school boyfriend during the entire length of Stairway to Heaven, which I recounted in a previous post, describing how we both looked at each other, smiled and then we partook in some rather shamelessly sloppy PDA in the middle of the dance floor... for the entire 8 minute epic. It was a long time not to come up for air! One of the senior girls from the basketball team slapped me hard on the ass while yelling really loudly, "Way to go, baby skank!"
5. I was asked to dance by one of the older guys from the basketball team. I couldn't really say no, politics and what not, so off I went to the middle of the dance floor with him. As soon as he brought me close I smelled it - his fucking putrid stale body odor. Holy shit, it was noxious. Oh yes... and his giant boner poking into my pelvic bone didn't help matters much either. And the song? Fucking November Rain by Guns N' Roses, which I should mention is NINE MINUTES LONG. I decided to NOT focus on the stinky penis burrowing into my stomach and rather on not vomiting instead.
4. Upon hearing Welcome to the Jungle at our Senior Formal after about 6 Bacardi and Cokes, I located a Mike's Hard Lemonade baseball cap (its origins is still a mystery) and squeezed it over my $80 up-do and proceeded to throw myself into a drunken mosh pit. The hat didn't exactly match my velvet and satin mermaid gown... which also ripped. Classy.
*I should also mention our year was the LAST year they "legally" allowed alcohol at the formal. Oops!
3. I did mushrooms at a MuchMusic video dance party and I-HAD-A-BAD-EXPERIENCE. Lasers, dry ice, crowds of people and Marilyn Mason's The Beautiful People video did NOT mix well when hallucinating. I'm chalking that one up to a hard-earned life lesson.
2. In grade 10, the first major public appearance of myself with my latest boyfriend was at a school dance. When we started making out on the dance floor, some people were aghast and noticeably offended. As it turned out, a majority of the student body assumed we were brother and sister because we had the same last name. Nope, just coincidence, people! Nothing to see here but two completely unrelated horny teenagers. Thanks. (With or Without You, U2)
1. Slow dancing with one of the older 'jocks' that I had an unhealthy fascination with. We had both been drinking and he started to put the moves on me. I was currently in a fight with a freshly ex-boyfriend, so I was also feeling all 90210ishly vengeful and slutty. I started making out with him, feeling his sweaty upper lip smear all over my face. I thought I would have enjoyed it, but I was disgusted with his 'over enthusiastic' tongue which was like a pointy slug having a seizure in my mouth. It's important to also note that he was only 5'1". It is most likely that this night marked the turning point that began my downward spiraling and paralyzing aversion to little people. (Closer, NIN) Ugh.
And in honor of this post, I couldn't resist!