Oct 24, 2011

The Penis, Explored.

I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight about a time honored misconception about "the smell". Women everywhere have/are always painfully self-consciously aware about their womanly scents. Sure, once we enter into a long-term relationship, that relaxes a bit, but we still make every effort to keep the garden fresh... particularly if we're going to want to wave in the man to do some playing in the garden... head first. Ahem.

I've always been a bit of a fusspot about this. If a shower is not an option to do a full taco flush before some oral sex activities (which I'd obviously prefer), I would at least cup some water in my hand and give myself a little whore bath.

Oh, yes, I do.

What has always amazed me is the complete LACK of fusspot'ness from men when the same favor is about to be returned. I mean, really... my face is about to be buried in your crotch - a face that contains all of the senses and can experience things simultaneously (whether we want to or not). One nudge for a blow job is given and, wham! The bologna pony is out of the gate like a shot - no hesitation.

Things that should be questioned are:
When was the last time you showered?
If it was today, have you done any heavy lifting or perspiration-causing activities since said shower?
Have you had the trots today?
How long since you had a pee? And, did you shake well?
Did you have asparagus for lunch? Or perhaps beans?

These are important questions, people!

I've devised some definitions to explain these issues that, as a seasoned cock-sucker (see, that's not always used as an insult), I have come to be made unpleasantly familiar with.

The No Tub Chub
Either he hasn't showered in more than 24hrs, or his manly musk is packing a punch, suggesting that a wash would be beneficial to both of you.

 The Sweaty Dipstick
Slightly related to No Tub Chub, but focusing more on texture than smell. There is something really off-putting about a guy's meat n' veg being overly, umm, moist upon first contact. Eww. Get a pat-down there, champ!

The No Shake Trouser Snake
I think a lot of guys take for granted the importance of the post-piss squeeze and shake. I get it - they've been doing it for so long, it's not even thought about anymore, but please, if there is a possibly of getting a blow job in the immediate future, give it a second, or even third thought, because having the first mouthful of dick taste like urine isn't exactly a motivator.

The Hint o' Stinky Winky
There it is, when going more and more south... the lingering hint of his excrement. Fucking hell, man.

And, a special shout out needs to go the crowning glory...

The TeePee Nuggets
Sadly, this is not even an isolated incident or guy. While exploring the more under-parts of a man's business WITH MY MOUTH and discovering dried on pieces of toilet paper on his sack. Com'on, dude! That's what the Loofah Scrub is for - they make them long for a reason. The worst part is that I didn't even skip a bob. I just flicked it off like a fucking trooper... every time.

So, the next time a woman is feeling slightly self-conscious about her business right before impending oral sex, just remember, he doesn't exactly smell, or look, or feel like roses either.


A Mother Life

30 comments:

  1. No, it does not smell like roses!!!

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  2. I'm no f*cking trooper on this one... thorough cleansing with soap and water is a must before a penis enters my mouth. I admit it wasn't always like this when I was younger though, you know, heat of the moment and all that. Now though? The guy better cleans otherwise I'd seriously use some of those anti-bacterial spray.

    Sh*t, seriously? Must you use my name on the "The Sweaty Dipstick"? lol

    Hands down, the worst is the Hint O' Stinky Winky. Luckily it never happened to me (knock on wood). I think I'd probably be aversed to any kind of penis job if it ever... Just the thought of it made me nauseous :(

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  3. Omg you are a god. Okay goddess. All so true and seriously that first taste of urine ewww so not a turn on. And my current friend with benefits wonders why I said no to licking his butt hole. Yeah I don't put my mouth on places poopy comes out of. Lucky for him his man flesh is always fresh and tasty idk how he does that I so hate him especially when he tries to choke me with it dear god we can't all deep throat you keep trying it aint gonna happen just let it go. Damn men !

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  4. @sweaty

    Awe, sorry, babe... it had to be done.

    @Jessica

    Hehe - your rant made me giggle. lol

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  5. The whole soap and water down under thing before going South can be overdone to. For real. Like....Make sure you rinse. Well. If I wanted my mouth washed out with soap.....

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  6. Oooh.. that's a good one too.

    How about an amendment:
    Soapy Robinson.

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  7. I'm a bit self conscious about my smells, and have subtle ways of working around it.

    I shower daily, always shake more than I should (more than three times and now you're just playing with it...) and try to make sure I have the musk in check. If there is any doubt, I'll offer up a his and hers shower session. It's sexy, wet, and shower head is awesome.

    That being said, it's just past noon my time. If someone were next to me in the car and was up for some road head, I'm sure I'd be within acceptable levels...

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  8. Love the term "whore bath." Everyone's done it at least once!

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  9. I have who're baths all the time! What's with this once in awhile shit?
    I have a toddler and work full time, if he wants to get it in that will have to do.

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  10. Oh sweet christ, the TP nuggets. I've been fortunate to avoid the smelly assholes (I think I am hilarious for typing this, because I was referring to The Hint), but the toilet paper thing drives me insane. Because what CAN you do, other than troop along? You don't want to be that ONE person that was like, "ARE YOU SERIOUS? BATHE NOW."

    It's so much easier when you can finagle them into the shower. You get to scrub 'em down under the guise of it being a romantic activity, and once they hop out with a towel, you can do the bidet trick with the showerhead. Bam. You're both clean, and you did it like a tactful sex ninja.

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  11. Hahaha, fecking brilliant Lady E! I'm a stickler for keeping my garden fresh and we don't need to be reminded about why "The Hint o' Stinky Winky' brings back some painful memories for me!

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  12. Tee Pee nuggets AKA Dingleberrys. lol.

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  13. I always ask the hubs if he has washed his balls and ass before I even venture down. If I even have the faintest smell of stank I retreat and roll over.

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  14. @Random Blogette

    Ha!
    Yes, it's definitely much easier to be honest like that with a spouse or partner that you've been with for a long period of time... but still, must we remind them? LOL

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  15. I am sending this post to my husband ( we have been married 24 years). He just doesn't understand the whole cleanliness thing with me, he thinks I'm nutty. Loved this post!

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  16. You forgot the pirate shit stick, as in you just plundered my booty and want me to blow you?

    Spearing my clam and then asking me to lick the fork is fine, but let's be clear - no fucking way am I going to swallow a shit Popsicle.

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  17. @SnarlyKayBee

    Well, that just goes without saying...

    YOU NEVER GO ASS TO MOUTH... EVER!

    lol

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  18. Hey guys - Life is like soup, you only get blown if you’re hot.

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  19. You know what's truly dreadful? Servicing a guy who is uncircumcised and hasn't bothered to lift the hood and clean out the goo that accumulates in there. Seriously, it's a swampy, stinking mess. I always prided myself on being able to tolerate nearly any type of "situation" in the name of pleasure... but the first time I got a mouthful of that nasty goop I nearly puked. Needless to say, I "blew" he whistle on said activity right there and then.

    This post was brilliant, by the way!

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  20. OMG OMG OMG OMG I LOVE THIS!!!!!

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  21. haha funny stuff Lady E. The No Tub Chub and TeePee Nuggets are funny. Maybe blowjob should be renamed the ohnojob.

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  22. My crotchular-cleanliness can be summed up by this video featuring Soulja Boy...

    http://youtu.be/j6N4vQ6m360

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  23. I never deal with any of this because I've paid a dentist to diagnose me with TMJ.

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  24. Using the Golden Rule got me into trouble with this one. As a guy who admires all the perfumes of his S.O.'s lady garden I didn't realise that 'do unto others' doesn't apply here (... and to several other boy/girl topics...).

    Even though my idea of heaven would be to be hand fed nectar from her portal of pleasure after she'd done a 10k run, she'd much prefer if I washed the banana (and the plums too) before placing them in the fruit bowl. Since I worked this one out, I get loads more (and how!)

    And ladies, please don't go too far with your nether realm ablutions; an unscented garden is no fun at all.

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  25. @Serge

    No, don't worry - not scent-free. Where's the fun in that?! I agree.

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  26. Holy CRAP! This is my first time here and I am laughing the dried balls of TP right off my hot pocket. Girl, you are a HOOT! I'm such a prude compared to you. Loved this post. LOVED. IT.

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  27. I just laughed so hard I dislodged my tampon. I love you!

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  28. This makes me think of the bit Eddie Murphy did about putting cologne "down there." Or some kind of invigorating aftershave. I don't remember, except that it BURNED. And then his grandma walked in on him while he was attempting to cool his junk. "You lazy [n-word]! Too lazy to take a bath so you gonna wash your dick in the sink!"

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  29. OMG! All of this is truth woman!... I love you..
    and as always I love it when you hook up with me :)

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