The Penis, Explored.

I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight about a time honored misconception about "the smell". Women everywhere have/are always painfully self-consciously aware about their womanly scents. Sure, once we enter into a long-term relationship, that relaxes a bit, but we still make every effort to keep the garden fresh... particularly if we're going to want to wave in the man to do some playing in the garden... head first. Ahem.

I've always been a bit of a fusspot about this. If a shower is not an option to do a full taco flush before some oral sex activities (which I'd obviously prefer), I would at least cup some water in my hand and give myself a little whore bath.

Oh, yes, I do.

What has always amazed me is the complete LACK of fusspot'ness from men when the same favor is about to be returned. I mean, really... my face is about to be buried in your crotch - a face that contains all of the senses and can experience things simultaneously (whether we want to or not). One nudge for a blow job is given and, wham! The bologna pony is out of the gate like a shot - no hesitation.

Things that should be questioned are:
When was the last time you showered?
If it was today, have you done any heavy lifting or perspiration-causing activities since said shower?
Have you had the trots today?
How long since you had a pee? And, did you shake well?
Did you have asparagus for lunch? Or perhaps beans?

These are important questions, people!

I've devised some definitions to explain these issues that, as a seasoned cock-sucker (see, that's not always used as an insult), I have come to be made unpleasantly familiar with.

The No Tub Chub
Either he hasn't showered in more than 24hrs, or his manly musk is packing a punch, suggesting that a wash would be beneficial to both of you.

 The Sweaty Dipstick
Slightly related to No Tub Chub, but focusing more on texture than smell. There is something really off-putting about a guy's meat n' veg being overly, umm, moist upon first contact. Eww. Get a pat-down there, champ!

The No Shake Trouser Snake
I think a lot of guys take for granted the importance of the post-piss squeeze and shake. I get it - they've been doing it for so long, it's not even thought about anymore, but please, if there is a possibly of getting a blow job in the immediate future, give it a second, or even third thought, because having the first mouthful of dick taste like urine isn't exactly a motivator.

The Hint o' Stinky Winky
There it is, when going more and more south... the lingering hint of his excrement. Fucking hell, man.

And, a special shout out needs to go the crowning glory...

The TeePee Nuggets
Sadly, this is not even an isolated incident or guy. While exploring the more under-parts of a man's business WITH MY MOUTH and discovering dried on pieces of toilet paper on his sack. Com'on, dude! That's what the Loofah Scrub is for - they make them long for a reason. The worst part is that I didn't even skip a bob. I just flicked it off like a fucking trooper... every time.

So, the next time a woman is feeling slightly self-conscious about her business right before impending oral sex, just remember, he doesn't exactly smell, or look, or feel like roses either.