Oct 12, 2011

From Virgin to Sex God

Hello from ‘Murrica! Brandon from My Own Private Idaho here. I have crossed the blogging border into Canadian territory to take over Adventures in Estrogen for a day. Lady E is like a sister from another mister to me.

• We’re both lefties
• We’re both Aquarians, and both garnet-clad (January babies)
• We’re both sexual deviants, and love every bit of it

When I think “sex stories” and “totally fucked up” I automatically think Lady E’s site. It’s only fitting that I share my wonderful ‘first time’ adventure with you on this blog. So sit back, relax, put on some mood music, and enjoy the takeover.

I’m a little embarrassed to admit I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19. I haven’t always been a confident, flirty guy. Charm is learned and swagger is earned. Back in my teens, I was an introverted dork with no game whatsoever.

Her name was M, and in 18 months she would be my wife (YES, I KNOW, I married my first. It just went from lame to ultra-lame…). We met at an after-party, and hit it off. We dated, and about a month into it we moved our fun into the bedroom.

It started innocently enough. Our first night together, all she wanted was a long massage. We slept together, but didn't have sex. She just wanted to… gasp… cuddle. Fast forward to about 1am, when she’s fast asleep and I’m still wide awake.

Holy shit, I’m in bed with a chick. Sex is inevitable. Did I read enough Maxim articles? Do I remember all the tricks and stuff I learned? What if I’m not good? What if--

And then I felt it. Her hand wandered up my thigh and onto my junk. She was playing with me in her sleep.


A few nights of cuddling and sleep-wanking later, we are finally ready to do the deed. She wasn't a virgin like I was, so the bar had already been set. I NEED to be good, or else it’ll be one and done.

Kissing, foreplay, yadda yadda yadda, and time for the real deal. I slip on the condom, and go inside her.

….hmmm…. not bad. I like this. And she’s liking it. Off to a good start, Brandon…

Ten minutes later, she climaxes hard. I’m still light-years from orgasm.


I’m a nervous fucking wreck.

I’m pumping away, thinking “Holy shit, if I blow my load in her, she may get pregnant. I know I’m wearing a condom, but what if it breaks? Do I shoot it all over her? Is she on birth control?

What if…”

Meanwhile, while I’m fretting like it’s going out of style, she’s ramping up to O number two. My brain may be ruining it for me, but my hands/pelvis/rhythm is still spot-on.

A lot of sexual gymnastics (and 2 more orgasms) later, I fake mine to mimic a mutual climax. She’s spent, breathing hard, and speaking incoherently. Since her head was spinning, she didn't notice me discarding an empty condom…

After some recovery, she asked me how I was so good since this was my first time. So I told her my secret… anxiety.

Anxiety had made me a sex god…

After some talking and assurance on her end (and a little bit of laughter… bitch…), I realized my fears were pointless. She was on the pill, and condoms rarely break (especially the thick-ass ones I bought…). There’s always a CHANCE she could get preggers, but she doesn’t want to be a mother just yet.

In other words, I have nothing to worry about.

I calmed down. I felt like I could actually get off now. The next day, we went at it again, and I actually got my rocks off.

…after about 90 seconds…


How great is Brandon? Let's all give him a warm round of applause! I rarely hear about a faker of the male persuasion. 
Fucking classic. Be sure to check him out over at his place if you haven't already. Yay!


  1. Aww poor guy I feel for you hun I really do.. My hubby could swap stories with you about his first wife who was also his first. Umm yeah we will just leave that for another time.. huh

  2. As a 'been there done that' I'll say this:

    KIDS! I COME TO YOU FROM THE FUTURE! When it comes to sex, try it before you buy it. This "waiting for marriage" BS will stack the odds against you having a good sex life.

    I personally think a person should have at least 3 partners before committing to a life partnership. This way, not only do you KNOW what you want, but you know you're gonna get it.

  3. Had no idea you did guest posts man!! Awesome!! :D

  4. You're one of the last romantics but also funny.

  5. Ha ha! I too had to fake an orgasm once but it was because I was hideously drunk. Whiskey made me a sex god.
    Good to see the Idahomie spreading the love around! I'll have to read more of Lady Estrogen's stuff, especially since her log line at the top is so good.

  6. @Ida_Homie


    Buuut... let's not play the numbers game, shall we? Ahem.


    Awe, thanks! That's actually one of my older ones - I really should update it. My cards with the new one are way better. Classy, for sure ;0

  7. Sleep wanking, great stuff. I lost mine at 19 too, what's the rush?

  8. Anxiety made you a sex God... you should share that knowledge with the world...I know a few guys that could stand to be a little more anxious. Nice to see my two faves getting it on...in a strictly bloggie kind of way of course!

  9. @RG: If you want to inject a little anxiety into your man's life, just mention halfway through the deed "Oh yeah... I forgot. I'm switching BC right now, so I'm off the pill. Wanna pull out just to be safe??"

    @Lady E: Three at least, because if I said 6 I'd seem like a man-whore. "A nice variety" how about that? Get some things marked off your sexual bucket list, just in case you settle down with a prude...

  10. Great post man! And don't feel bad, I didn't get laid until I was 20...and i was one of the better looking guys in my school. Chicks came on to me but...well I guess I just wasn't ready yet. More interested in drugs and alcohol at the time!

  11. Not sure I should be reading this at work.

  12. Yeah, I don't understand people who wait until marriage to have sex. What if the parts don't fit correctly? Taste the milk before you buy the cow...

  13. I remember when I was young. The rubbers I bought kept falling off. But, I later used them to keep my shoes dry.
    That's what I get for shopping for birth control in a "Pay-Less."

  14. Oh....@Tsaritsa: Where were you when I was in high school?

  15. @Tsaritsa

    You're right! Some pieces just don't fit - end of story!! lol

  16. Damn, you're the man, Brandon. You made the gal gush n' quiver twice while having anxiety attacks. And you faked an orgasm during this? I've never heard of this strategy before. Hilarious first timer story.

    Remind me to tell you, sometime, all about my first sexual experience where I porked a gal nearly ten hours straight and got so many callouses, as a result, on my kielbasa, that my meat (skin) actually started to shed.

    Fun ahoy!

  17. Brandon...great one, haha. I need to cause some anxiety...is that the trick? haha. I love it...kind of sweet really.

  18. @Jewels: Nerves is the key.

    Am I going too fast? Too slow?

    Am I hitting all the erogenous zones?

    What if she gets pregnant?

    What if I get an STD?

    What if....???

    Nerves. It works, guys. But if I just didn't give a fuck, I wouldn't have been nervous. If anything, it shows I was a caring and attentive lover...

    ...sort of...

  19. Interesting hearing a guys persoective.
    No wonder she married you.

  20. Awesome story! And nice reversal. Too often we hear about the girl not being able to get off the first time!

  21. Ah, I like you more now that I know you're marrying your first! That's really rare these days, and I actually think it's a good thing! ;)

    And your wife-to-be is one heck of a lucky gal... 2 O's in one go? wow.

  22. @doswearrhesmallstuff:

    Um... this story happened about 12 years ago. I did marry her, and we were married for 7 years before it fell apart.

    She's an ok person. I still like her, I just stopped loving her. Not her fault, not mine. Just happened.

    ...and if you like me because I married my first... don't read one of my comments above, mmmkay? Just keep liking me, and go with it...

  23. haha, those 'rr's' should be 'tt's'. I'm sleepy. But you get the drift.


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