Chicken for the Tuna

Welcome to WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE? If you're just tuning in, people send in their problem (anonymous or whatever suits you) and I will do my best to answer in all my dysfunctional glory.

Dear Lady E,

I have always wanted to have a threesome/foursome/moresome. In my head it seems like one of the most exciting things my partner and I can do together. I have been with women before, and found it exciting, but always missing something. That something, of course, is the sausage. I am crazy about the sausage. I love to hit the sushi bar, but I truly miss the raw, unbridled power of the penis.

In the past, I have attempted a threesome with disastrous results. I had been with a woman several times, and the opportunity came up to be with her and her husband. We ran with it. The evening started out great, with drinks and laughs, but once the bedroom time began, the husband was strangely silent, and did everything he could to avoid eye contact. As a seasoned watcher of behavior, I knew right away that this wasn't good. Things never recovered from the initial awkwardness, and I left scarred forever. (Well, mostly). I was single then, so I had nothing to lose by trying it, but it was a pretty unsatisfying experience from my point of view, and I was left feeling very gun shy.

Fast forward a few years, and I have met and married the worlds greatest man, and am finally happy and secure in my life. I am completely fulfilled sexually, and know that my husband digs me above all others. I have 100% trust in him, and never for one second believe he would want to give up what we have together. We are both interested in experiencing a threesome to add another layer of intimacy and fun in our relationship.

Recently, a crazy opportunity presented itself. I was drinking with a very attractive, very sexy new friend who indicated that she hoped our first threesome experience involved her. (JAW DROP). This woman is beautiful, funny, quirky, fun, and generally way, way out of my league personally. I actually can't believe that she said it, and I'm 100% sure she's serious. This all could have gone down THAT NIGHT, but guess who chickened out and ran scared? Yep, me.

I don't know what the FUCK is wrong with me? I do want this. I do trust myself and my husband. I know he's not leaving me. I totally 'get' that this is a shared experience that will be fucking incredible. I WANT TO DO THIS!!!! Why can't I get the hell over my tendency to RUN?!?

Help me Lady E, before I fuck myself out of a sweet threesome opportunity!

Sincerely,

Chicken for the Tuna

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Dear Chicken,

Ohh, Chicken, my dear. I know where you're coming from on this one all too well. I believe that much of our hesitations stem from our own insecurities about ourselves. I have no doubt that you do have a great relationship with your husband and have a genuine desire to share this sensual experience with him, and that's the first hurdle conquered!

Some people will get on their anally retentive high horses and judge, saying that if you're seeking a third that there is something wrong with your relationship, but that's bullshit. People can believe what they want, and we can ignore them profusely.

The one thing we must accept is that we're all strange creatures with varying levels of fuckedupness. To find 3 people that are all on the same level can be quite difficult -- if it was so easy, there'd be a lot more threesomes going on . . . probably. You need to shed that awkward experience you had in the past and realize that it had NOTHING to do with you. Obviously, that guy just wasn't on the same level as you and your lady friend. It does take a special guy that can step up and handle two women at once; I understand how it could be intimidating. Men LOVE the "idea" of having two women at once, but in reality, many of them would take one look and . . . sppppluuurt. (The sound of their brain popping, as well as some other fluids. Ahem.)

I believe we, as woman, are able to "handle" the situation much better, maybe because it's easier for us to contain our enthusiasm, but whatever; our hang ups are much more personal. Even women that appear to have the perfect body still hate something about themselves. Is this a good thing? Of course not, but I just thought I would point that out. If someone (man or woman) has expressed a sexual interest in you while you have your clothes on, it's pretty safe to say that they have a good understanding of what is underneath, bumps, stretchmarks and all. I mean, we aren't exactly freshmen and that's actually what makes us awesome! We know what's important by now, and what's not.

False expectations, silliness and idealizations are rookie mistakes. And we ain't rookies, baby!

It's actually less stressful with a married couple (that are happily secure with each other) rather than 3 singletons because there's no "What if he likes her more than me?" crap. Because, hello! We are female humans and that would totally happen. You already know he loves you more than anything, so relax and enjoy the dual pleasuring.

Going back to the varying levels analogy, just remember that it's NEVER personal. There's some people that will click and some that will not. Who cares! Move on and try again . . . or don't. It is not a big deal. I mean, look how long it took to find the GUY, amiright? Snort. When the timing is right AND the people are right, it will happen and it will be fabulous.

It will be just like watching a really fucking cool planetary alignment, you'll throw your head back and there will be lots of ahhhh's and ooooohhh's.

Good luck with your quest!

And if you ever want to do a trail run, I'll shoot you my number, I mean . . .

Never mind.


Love and smooches,
Lady E.


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