May 16, 2011
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Heathers
No, scratch that.
There are many movies to which when I watch them, I want to crawl inside the screen and live there. I know that most of them aren't prepared for that level of intimacy from me, but I can't help it - it's how I feel.
My favorite movie of all time is Heathers. Yes, it's true that Ferris Bueller's Day Off runs a very close second, but Heathers will always be my bestie flick. It has some fundamental life lessons that I would like to share with you today.
1. Croquet is a blood sport.
2. Cherry slushie is a far superior flavor to Coke slushie.
3. An offer of pâté can help deal with many of life's awkward situations.
4. BBQ Corn Nuts and liquid drainer are NOT a balanced meal.
5. Shower-nozzle masturbation is good, clean fun.
6. The extreme always seems to make an impression.
7. Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.
8. Your best friend can also be your worst enemy.
9. It is neither possible nor pleasant to be fucked gently with a chainsaw.
And last, but definitely not least,
10. You can watch your psychopathic boyfriend blow himself up and not get hurt, but simultaneously stand just close enough to light your cigarette off the explosion's flames. This would be convenient if say, you have lost your lighter, or are wearing a mini skirt that doesn't necessitate the possibility of carrying such lighter.
(If you smoke and also have a suicidal, psychopathic boyfriend, please do not try this at home.)