May 20, 2011

Turd is the Word

This is probably one of my stories that was in the Top 5 most difficult to reveal - or even to actually have it physically written down since I began writing this blog. I'll never forget this, ah-hem, event, but that doesn't mean that it's a good thing.


I had a relationship with a guy when I was 17 that was more comfortable rather than passionate... more like 2 best mates that also had sex, a lot. We would try different things and often discuss it afterwards; what we could differently or try in the next round. 

He had exceptionally boney hips, and it got to the point where my inner thighs were so bruised from sex that it hurt to walk. The suggestion of having more missionary sex at that point made me cringe at the sheer thought of pounding against those aching wounds. We switched to doggie-style for the next few days and then the inevitable question was proposed.

“Wanna know...up the arse?”

“Well, OK, but we’re going to have to use lots of lube, and go REALLY slow and be gentle!”

I should also add that his older brother’s nickname was ‘Horse’ and that similar genetic features were strong in his family, which didn’t appease my fears with what was about to happen. We got the lubricant out and even though he was very gentle, after about 3 thrusts in about 5 seconds, THAT WAS ENOUGH!


So, take the sensation of the most painful shit you’ve ever had, and then double it. I had gathered a lot of people enjoy that feeling, but it wasn’t for me. Don't get me wrong - I do enjoy a good shit, but that's because it's coming OUT of me in an entirely non-sexually euphoric kind-of-way. Apparently, there is a G-spot somewhere up there too. Umm, yeah. I will gladly be leaving mine up there, alone and undiscovered.

Also? My boyfriend was uncircumcised.

As he was cleaning the lubricant off himself, he discovered a tiny chunk of turd under his foreskin. He jumped up like he was on fucking fire and proceeded to run around the house naked whilst squealing like a terrified little girl - very loudly. I was mortified, since it was, in fact, my turd, but I surprisingly dealt with it by laughing hysterically at the utter spectacle that he was making of himself. In hindsight, I don’t see why he was so shocked, considering where his dick had just been.

If you go digging in certain holes, you’re bound to find some dirt.


  1. Heh... boys.

    If you stick it in the out hole, you better be prepared for a crackerjack surprise now and then. This isn't porn, your girl hasn't enema'd and only ate soup for the past 3 days.

    Odds are, it could be a lil messy.

    Sorry for the bad experience, hun. If you ever want to try it again, my nickname is 'crayola...'

  2. Crap (haha clever little me no?) that was the funniest story I've read all week!!!!

    The last line - my favorite.

    You - my shero.

  3. Unfortunately, this story sounds all too familiar! One word (and one lesson learned): Enema

  4. BWHAHAHAHAH oh I needed that laugh after the crap *pun intended completely* night I have had..

  5. OMFG. This is the BEST blog post I've read in days. Or weeks. haha

  6. oh my gosh, this is just one of the many reasons i don't do IT in THAT place! it's not possible for it to feel sexy to me if i know there's poo involved. i would have laughed hysterically while breaking out in hives.

  7. EWEY! and OUTCHY, yes, it's an exit only for me. I tried the back door w an ex whos man-part was the size of my pinky. and I still couldn't take it!!

    funny story about my hubs friend...and I know this cuz me will gossip to their wives, too! ok, so his friend went in door #2 with his girlfriend and his PP was green!! GREEN!! OMG OMG!! so disgusting!

    hahaha! and you're totally right! he shouldn't be surprised!!!! LOL

  8. I meant "men" will gossip to their wives...not "me" will gossip to their wives. LOL

  9. there's just no way around it- that is embarrassing.

  10. Jesus, what were the other 4 stories??? I'm agog!

  11. agh! oh that definitely ranks as one of the most awkward and funny sexual situations in history. As for his horror, like you said, what did he expect? Don't stand so close to the fire if you don't want to get burned buddy. haha

  12. @Sherilin
    Hives? HAHAHA, Nice.

    It's ok, hun - I gotcha.

    @Sarah Mac
    Oh, honey - take a look around when you have some time! HAHAA...
    I still have 1 or 2 that are on reserve - saving for a SUPER rainy day.

    @The Reason You Come
    I have to disagree with you. The lesson? NEVER AGAIN.
    You crack me up. You're so right, this ain't a porno.
    Thanks, crayola.

  13. Oh My God!
    That is factual and funny as hell. Thanks for that!

  14. I have never had a boyfriend with exceptionally bony hips! Thanks for telling us the perils of that and of course the perils of marmite drilling (English phrase!)

    Lost in Idaho made me giggle too with his honest reply "If you ever want to try it again, my nickname is 'crayola...' "

  15. @EmmaK
    Oh yeah. It's just as disgusting as Vegemite. Thanks for that additional visual. LOL

    You KNOW you love me. Enjoy your nap.

  16. Muhahahahaha I am literally crying laughing. "If you go digging in certain holes, you’re bound to find some dirt" made me do a little wee I think!

    Still, it could have been worse...there could have been a bit of sweetcorn in his foreskin too as that never digests well ;-)

    Jeez, I've just grossed myself out there.

  17. @SAHMlovingit
    Sweet corn? Really? And people think I go too far! HAHAHA xox

  18. Haha! I love it. What do they expect, poking around down there? I heart you, Lady E. You rock!

  19. You never cease to amaze me...

  20. OM fucking G, that's what he gets for even suggesting it!

    I was scared off trying that a long time ago - when I was sixteen, my friend and her boyfriend took "the scenic route" and she couldn't sit down for days. Gah!

  21. I LOVE your blog. Great story! I'm okay with leaving that particular g spot a mystery too!

  22. @HeidiHo
    Thanks so much :)
    Sometimes, mysteries are a good thing!

    So wrong on so many levels - that's why I heart you.

  23. Thank you for saying how it really is. I know women that say how it is not such big deal . Uh, yeah it is a big deal. I don't find anything sexual about someone sticking their dick up my pooper. The hubs jokes about ramming it up my ass all of the time but he agrees that it is not something that either of us would enjoy.

    And really, how can you not expect to get a little poop on your dick when you are shoving it into someone's pooper. Come on!

  24. People!

    Anal sex requires condoms. Oh my god, people. Condoms.

    Alcohol, lubricant, and relaxation are key to this being fun.

    I have heard.



  25. I seriously just pissed my pants....truly!

  26. and here I am wondering whether he was left with the same lasting impression as you - Enough?

  27. OMGosh! I'm speechless! I knew I'd find something good to read here! I gotta forward this to my hubby! You're the shit! Pun totally intended! LOL!

    Oh, and I put up an ocd post called "half the battle", IDK if you had a chance to read it...

  28. Omg you are surely the most awesome person ever. I love you and I just loled like a jack ass at work thank god I work the night shift and I'm alone.

  29. OMFG this was hillarious!!!!!!! You rock my world girl! LOL! Im with you, that "other g-spot" can just stay hidden where it is. Been there, done that, won;t be buying the t-shirt

  30. This story almost made me pee a little, seriously, 2 drops came out. I couldn't stop laughing!


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