The best presents are...

Jan 30, 2012

Carri from Mommy's Little Monster Blake gave me one of the best birthday presents ever - a guest post! I'm taking this week off to relax work on some other projects I've been seriously neglecting. My ability to multitask has begun to wain. Boo fucking hoo, indeed. Welcome to my pity party - there's lots of dildos, apparently! Carri was more than eager to respond to my plea for a couple posts... and it's clear to see why - she's freaky like me. I love that. Yay!

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1996 was a huge year for me.

I became a legal adult.

I graduated from high school.

And? I came face to face with a big, black one eyed monster.


Lemme back up a second, you sick fucks.

The truth is that I've never gone black. They say that once you go black, you never go back, but I'm
thinking it's safe to say, "Once you go black, you give birth with ease". That's the rumor, anyway.

In fact, a gigantic dildo at the sex shop my friend and I visited when we turned 18 is the closest I've ever
been to black cock-n-balls.

Imagine this: Two 18 year old kids, walking into the sex shop all wide eyed and scared shitless. He went
straight for the porn. Naturally. But I? Well... I looked around in utter amazement (disbelief?) at the
walls of strap ons, whips, swings and beads.

It was John* who directed me towards the Black Beast.

"Hey, Carri!" He screamed across the store. "Come check this thing out!!"

I scampered over to the Wall-O-Dicks with my head hung low and my eyes darting back and forth.
Seriously. This was fucking embarrassing.

My vagina immediately hurt when I laid eyes on it.

"Oh my God!" I gasped in horror. The Black Beast was at least five feet long (I may or may not be
exaggerating), with a gigantic head and a veiny shaft. "I don't think that would fit in my body!"

"Yeah it would," quipped John, "but it would come out your mouth! Hey, did you see these?" He pointed
to a wall of beads, plugs and something that looked like this.


(I mean, seriously. What in the mother fuck is that?!)

This is about the time I lost my innocence. You see, I never thought in a million years that someone would actually want a giant string of beads shoved up their ass. And I never thought someone would want a water dildo crammed up there, either. To me, your poop chute is just that.

There I was, standing in the middle of a sex shop on a Saturday afternoon, thinking to myself, Oh my God.
There are a lot of weird bastards in this world.

Pocket pussies. Clamps. Vibrators. Double headed dildos.

Wait... Double headed dildo?


And that's when the stroke ((ahem)) of genius hit me. Another friend of ours was having a birthday the following week and this? Was the PERFECT Happy 18th Birthday present.

I snatched a giant, black double headed ding dong from the shelf and gave it a look. 
Was it big? Yep. Was it veiny? Oh yes. And would it embarrass the fuck out of her? You bet your
ass.

The cashier gave me a funny look when I flung the double dildo onto the counter. 
Just five minutes ago, I looked like I was going to faint.

He asked me rather flatly if I needed lube with that.

"No... no. That won't be necessary." I said meekly. "This is for a friend. As a joke."

"Mmmmhummmm," the cashier said dryly. You know he'd heard that line a million times.

The following Monday, John and I anxiously awaited for Allison* to come out of class. 
The three of us usually met up between second and third period but what she didn't know was this time, I had a big, black two eyed monster waiting for her.

It was her 18th birthday, after all.

Allison rounded the corner, spotted us, and started to head our direction when John pulled Big Black out of my back pack.

Nope. It wasn't wrapped.

The look of terror struck her face. She promptly turned around and started to run. We quickly ran after her.

"ALLISON! COME BACK!' John screamed. "WE HAVE YOUR GIANT BLACK
DILDO!!!"

To make a long story short, Allison didn't run fast enough. We forced the black beast into her back pack and I haven't seen it since.

Ironically, Allison has since gone black. Not even fucking kidding you right now.

*Names changed to protect the not-so-innocent.


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Carri, my love, we totally would have hung out in high school. Good times :) x



20 comments:

  1. Carri said...:

    hahahahaha OMG I pee a little every time I think of that. It was so hilarious because the entire quad was watching us run down the hall waving a black dildo. Sofa king awesome. Thanks for letting me share it here. xo

  1. jillsmo said...:

    OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    You betcha, darling!! lol
    You'd never guess it, but I was mortified to go into sex shops until only a few years ago. Gaawdd.

    Thanks again for sending me your story :) x

  1. kvetchmom said...:

    LOVE! Ha ha ha!

  1. SurferWife said...:

    i kinda want to go wash my eyeballs and brain with clorox right now. Also. Why is it a black dick with a chocolate brown tip?

  1. Kimberly said...:

    HAHAHA! Sofa king awesome!

  1. Jessica said...:

    HAAHAHAHHAAAA! Best story EVER!

  1. Lost.in.Idaho said...:

    I need a yearbook story like that. "Hey, remember when we chased down such-and-such after 4th period and shoved a dildo in her backpack?? Good times..."

  1. My school days were so boring, the most we ever got chased by or chased with was frogs and I mean the slimy, never going to turn into your prince kind not the climb the Eiffel Tower kind :)

  1. Fox in the City said...:

    Bwhahahaha! I would have died if I were Allison!
    Jenn

  1. Zombie said...:

    Good god that thing is flipping huge!! O.o

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    @SurferWife

    Agreed. The two-toned'ness of it is disturbing.

  1. Leighannn said...:

    Omg Carri!
    Hilarious.

  1. Carri said...:

    No idea. Someone needs to find out if they really look like that and report back to us.

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    Dude.
    It was dark. And a long time ago.
    Sorry ;p

  1. Crazymurdav said...:

    "Allison didn't run fast enough. We forced the black beast into her back pack and I haven't seen it since."

    God I hope "back pack" isn't a euphemism

  1. tracy said...:

    "Once you go black you give birth with ease." just made me choke a little. Hilarious.

  1. Thank, Q said...:

    I agree w/Tracy. That "once you go black" line was super funny! As a black man, I'm not sure if I should feel a little pride in this or not. LOL!

  1. Pish Posh said...:

    They don't really look like that in real life....

    ohhhhhh wowza. I'm not going to tell you if I'm serious or not.

    anyhoo, I can definitely say this was not what I expected.

    But Valentine's day is coming up and now I know what to get the hubs, so thanks.. haha

  1. Carri, this story was hilarious! Thanks for sharing :)

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