Jan 13, 2012

Birds are Assholes

Whomever said that getting crapped on by a bird is lucky can lick it up!
I've been the landing target for those feral creatures.
Not once.
Not twice.
But on THREE separate occasions.
All three were shocking and disgusting in their own right, but the final time was at high school, during lunch break. The timing was less than convenient, to put it lightly.

I was walking along the sidewalk when something came at me, not from above, but horizontally. It hit the side of my face and brushed against my hair. I thought it was a rock.

Some dick smack just threw a rock at me! What the fuck?

It startled the living hell out of me. It probably didn't help that I was stoned as well. I looked around, ready to tear a strip off the guy (most likely a guy, I assumed) that almost took my eye out. Both my paranoia and adrenaline were spiking hard.

Then, my friend's facial expression recoiled in horror as she backed away from me, "Umm.. it wasn't a rock. You have shit all over your head!"


How the fuck did a bird shit on me sideways? It was like a motherfucking dive bomb stealth attack. This bird dropped a curve ball -- of poop! How could they possibly have that much control over their bodily functions... and gravity, no less? It's just not natural. In fact, I'll take that sentiment one step further and say that Mother Nature can suck my tit! I say that pretty much every 28 days, but this time I am expressing it for an entirely different reason.

It was mortifying having to walk in to school with my hair and neck covered in shit splatter.

And I didn't receive any extraordinary luck.
Or get lucky.
It's just bullshit.

And birds are assholes.

The end.

Mama's Losin' It


  1. I agree with you. Birds are evil. In middle and high school, seagulls would attack the littered lunch area when students started clearing out. If you were late in moving with the crowd, you usually had to run to avoid those damn birds. A girl I went to middle school with got bird poop on her lip on time from a bird flying overhead. It was awful and we felt horrible for her. But now this girl is a fabulous writer and artist, so she didn't let that asshole bird get the best of her.

  2. Shit on me sideways is my new favorite expression. Thank you.

  3. Another thing that bids do that piss me off... They have the entire sky to fly around in yet they chose to fly right smack dab in front of your window when you are driving.

  4. The life of a bird is a dull one. You KNOW they spend all their day thinking of different ways to shit on people.

    That bird had talent.

  5. I've no use for birds. And even less use for bird shit. Go away!

  6. Yes, birds are assholes. I hate them. If I was a gun person I would hunt birds. Just for fun.

  7. @Lost

    Talent that is NOT appreciated!


    I would go with you. We could get matching camouflage vests.

  8. You know Carri has been trying to tell us this...that blows

  9. hahahahahaha I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you ... uh wait okay I'm just laughing then.

    Very true though makes me glad I'm not a statue that joke I bet is accurate where the statue is given life for a day and all it wants to do is shit on a bird. Yeah makes me glad big bird can't fly

  10. Bird shit is annoying but so are birds in general. I wrote about the fuckers myself this week.

  11. I hate GD birds sofa king much. Have you read my posts about that asshole who flew INSIDE my truck and shit everywhere? That mother fucker is going DOWN.

  12. Bird shit... does it matter what kind of bird it is? ;)

  13. Wow. That's jacked up. I've been fortunate enough to only have this happen to me once. I thought it was a drop of rain until I rubbed the top of my head and realized that my hand was purple. Ew. I had a close call one day, but luckily, I closed my sun roof about 10 seconds before it smacked my car. I think birds are getting a kick out of this.

  14. I've been shit on twice by a bird.
    Not the same bird.
    That would be weird and I would have developed a concerning complex.
    In any case I too have not been blessed with luck afterward.

  15. This is the funniest thing I've ever read. I laughed so loud at " This bird dropped a curve ball -- of poop!"


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