The best presents are...

Carri from Mommy's Little Monster Blake gave me one of the best birthday presents ever - a guest post! I'm taking this week off to relax work on some other projects I've been seriously neglecting. My ability to multitask has begun to wain. Boo fucking hoo, indeed. Welcome to my pity party - there's lots of dildos, apparently! Carri was more than eager to respond to my plea for a couple posts... and it's clear to see why - she's freaky like me. I love that. Yay!

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1996 was a huge year for me.

I became a legal adult.

I graduated from high school.

And? I came face to face with a big, black one eyed monster.

Lemme back up a second, you sick fucks.

The truth is that I've never gone black. They say that once you go black, you never go back, but I'm
thinking it's safe to say, "Once you go black, you give birth with ease". That's the rumor, anyway.

In fact, a gigantic dildo at the sex shop my friend and I visited when we turned 18 is the closest I've ever
been to black cock-n-balls.

Imagine this: Two 18 year old kids, walking into the sex shop all wide eyed and scared shitless. He went
straight for the porn. Naturally. But I? Well... I looked around in utter amazement (disbelief?) at the
walls of strap ons, whips, swings and beads.

It was John* who directed me towards the Black Beast.

"Hey, Carri!" He screamed across the store. "Come check this thing out!!"

I scampered over to the Wall-O-Dicks with my head hung low and my eyes darting back and forth.
Seriously. This was fucking embarrassing.

My vagina immediately hurt when I laid eyes on it.

"Oh my God!" I gasped in horror. The Black Beast was at least five feet long (I may or may not be
exaggerating), with a gigantic head and a veiny shaft. "I don't think that would fit in my body!"

"Yeah it would," quipped John, "but it would come out your mouth! Hey, did you see these?" He pointed
to a wall of beads, plugs and something that looked like this.

(I mean, seriously. What in the mother fuck is that?!)

This is about the time I lost my innocence. You see, I never thought in a million years that someone would actually want a giant string of beads shoved up their ass. And I never thought someone would want a water dildo crammed up there, either. To me, your poop chute is just that.

There I was, standing in the middle of a sex shop on a Saturday afternoon, thinking to myself, Oh my God.
There are a lot of weird bastards in this world.

Pocket pussies. Clamps. Vibrators. Double headed dildos.

Wait... Double headed dildo?

And that's when the stroke ((ahem)) of genius hit me. Another friend of ours was having a birthday the following week and this? Was the PERFECT Happy 18th Birthday present.

I snatched a giant, black double headed ding dong from the shelf and gave it a look. 

Was it big? Yep. Was it veiny? Oh yes. And would it embarrass the fuck out of her? You bet your
ass.

The cashier gave me a funny look when I flung the double dildo onto the counter. 

Just five minutes ago, I looked like I was going to faint.

He asked me rather flatly if I needed lube with that.

"No... no. That won't be necessary." I said meekly. "This is for a friend. As a joke."

"Mmmmhummmm," the cashier said dryly. You know he'd heard that line a million times.

The following Monday, John and I anxiously awaited for Allison* to come out of class. 

The three of us usually met up between second and third period but what she didn't know was this time, I had a big, black two eyed monster waiting for her.

It was her 18th birthday, after all.

Allison rounded the corner, spotted us, and started to head our direction when John pulled Big Black out of my back pack.

Nope. It wasn't wrapped.

The look of terror struck her face. She promptly turned around and started to run. We quickly ran after her.

"ALLISON! COME BACK!' John screamed. "WE HAVE YOUR GIANT BLACK
DILDO!!!"

To make a long story short, Allison didn't run fast enough. We forced the black beast into her back pack and I haven't seen it since.

Ironically, Allison has since gone black. Not even fucking kidding you right now.

*Names changed to protect the not-so-innocent.


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Carri, my love, we totally would have hung out in high school. Good times :) x

Second Place is Fucking Awesome

OK. It's a whole new fucking ballgame.
Heather, my love? There's a new sherrif in town.
I'm like a kid with a new toy.
It's a brand new day.
All that and a bag of chips.

OK, that's enough. I'm just a little excited, can you tell?

Here's the thing. Yes, women discuss masturbation, however, with the volume turned down low and hoping no one is listening too closely. When a woman says it loud and proud, there are always a few jaws that drop. Even with close friends, we never just causally weave into a conversation, "Wow, I totally got myself off last night; it was awesome." Of course not... until now.

I totally said that. And I'll say it again.

Why? Because all these years, when we were whispering to each other about female masturbation, we were asking the WRONG question. It shouldn't have been "Do you?" It should have been "Do you... finish?"

Because the answer for many would be a big fat "NO" including me. Sure, I had Mr. Purple for a few years and various toys and miniature baseball bats named Ricky before that, and although they were pleasurable, I never climaxed on my own. I could only orgasm with a man (or woman), how about 'person'. Yeah, I'll use 'person'. I would just play around until I had had enough and then I'd stop. This might also better explain my horrific 18 month dry spell I had last year. What a fucking catastrophe that was -- and would NEVER have had to have happened if I knew then what I know now.

If we had a nickel for every time we said that to ourselves, right? *Big sigh*

So, enough beating around the bush, so to speak. I got the aesthetically breath-taking nJoy Fun Wand a couple months ago; it had come highly recommended. It was definitely not the usual shape I would normally look for in a 'dildo-like' toy but I was willing to give it a whirl. Besides, what the fuck do I know?

It is designed for both ends to be used, and to be used for both ends. Ahem. Well, if you're a regular reader, you would know
I DO NOT DO THAT, but I thought I'd at least mention its possibilities.

I should add that I often add a motorized element (like a mini bullet) to speed up the external clitoral stimulation process - but I'm still working on my A game, adjusting and fine-tuning, if you will. This is made specifically for a G-spot simulator and the blend of the curved shape, the steel, and the contour bulbs is a fucking winning combination.

I actually scared myself the first time I climaxed with it. It was like, hang on, I know this feeling... what the heck is going on?
It's starting! Oh yeah, wow, uh huh, really? Yes, holy fuck. WHOA! YIPPIEE!

Now? I don't stop until I've had at least 2, but 4 on average. I've seen the light and I want to show this light to all my friends that are currently in the darkness.

Hubs glumly asked me if he was now redundant. Awe, of course not! (Although I think he was actually hoping for a 'yes' to that question.) At the end of the day, nothing tops the feeling of being with another person. The warmth, emotions and intimacy is irreplaceable, but by gawd, I've never been so fucking impressed with second place. It truly is a brand new day!

And in case you're wondering?
No, I don't leave the house much these days.


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This is not sponsored post, I just HAD to spread the love.

Cock-A-Doodle...Purple

I recently made a 'special' purchase at the sex store.

When I walked in, I wasn't quite sure where do go. It's not like I'd never been before, but this was for something new.
Something different.

I walked around for a little while. Browsing.

Finally, I found what I was looking for... in the "Fetish" section. Whoa! Never thought I'd consider myself one of those people, but okay. My visual senses were on over-drive. I was surrounded by colourful packaging (although primarily pink and black) all with naked women staring at me with their 'come fuck me' eyes. I could almost feel them breathing on my neck, but not in a sexy way. They were more like wild predators and I was the newbie prey that would soon be devoured.

There they were... all different materials, shapes, number of 'access portals', sizes and of course, price ranges. Holy crap! I might be curious for a little kinky fun but I have my financial limitations, that's for damn sure. I took photos with my phone and texted them to my "expert" friend.

(Click) This one?
No.
(Click) This one?
Probably not.
Ooooh... (Click) How about this one?
Yes. Excellent.
Awesome. Sold.

Fuck, I love technology.

I made my purchase while partaking in some small talk with the sales woman, making sure I had indeed found the right fit for my needs. I really don't think they do returns.

Time went slowly that evening.
The little black bag was calling my name, but it would be hours before I could have a little test fitting.
10pm finally rolled around. Sweet. Time to try on my fancy purchase. Yes, I said "try on". I had purchased my very first strap-on.

Giddy'up mutha fuckers! And it fit like a glove... or rather, like a cock.

Surprisingly, I didn't feel as "masculine" as I was afraid I would feel. It's always been a sensation that I have never been entirely comfortable with; about my own feminine identity and sexuality... ya know... the fact that under my stunningly giant knockers is, in fact, Guillermo Díaz. Yeah, that.

Regardless of how I did or did not feel about the addition of a giant purple cock that now hung between my legs, one thing was certain... it was bloody hysterical.

I'm in the bathroom laughing my fucking ass off, naked, jumping around and watching the silicone cock flail up and down and side to side. Strap-on gymnastics, I tell ya! I needed to share my amusement with my husband, but he was fast asleep.

FUCK IT. 
How often does this shit happen, seriously!?

I walked over to his side of the bed. He was facing inward and his back was exposed. I was trying incredibly hard not to wake him with my snorting laughter. I would have much rathered that I woke him up with what I was about to do. I crept over...

Then, I began poking him in the back with the dildo, repeatedly. 

I got a few grunts and annoyed shrugs. Of course, he had no idea what object I was actually using to poke him with. 

I start laughing louder; I'm practically in tears by this point.

He rolled over to discover what it was that I was doing, and what I was wearing.

If you can imagine the sound a human can make that is annoyed, pissed off, furious, shocked, confused, repulsed and drowsy all at the same time, it kinda sounded like this:

And for the record, Jill's interpretation of my face is practically uncanny, since I had taken off my make-up by this point. 

Aren't I fucking beautiful when I'm laughing THAT hard? I think the ribbed purple strap-on is nothing but icing, really.

So, needless to say, he wasn't amused. At. Fucking. All.

But it sure as hell made my whole damn week.

Besides, I didn't buy it for him anyway... 

SO THERE!

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A HUGE thank you to Jill from Yeah.Good Times. for graciously offering up her fine artistic skills
to help me illustrate this story. It just wouldn't have been the same without them. Love ya :)
I'm sure everyone knows her by now, but if not, WHY? Go... right now!

My Rock with a Cock

I am taking this opportunity to discuss my latest health crisis as well as pay homage to one of my oldest friends.
It was his birthday a few days ago, so the timing is almost perfect.

This guy is special because, surprisingly, we've never had sex. I think the main reasons for this was because:
A) I could snap him like a twig; it would not be pleasant, and
B) I kind of helped raise him, even though he's actually a year older than me.

I think I may have had a shortly lived case of misplaced affections towards him when I was 12, but then he went and got a perm and that pretty much helped me move on from there.

Yes. A perm.
(Sorry, but he's never going to fucking live that one down. Not ever. If he dies before me, I'll make a point of mentioning it at his funeral, because that's what true friendship really means. If I die before him, I'll still figure something out.)

And no, he's not gay.

And yes, he's a boy... or since he has a hot wife and two cool kids, rather, a man. Kinda. 

He's like my son, or perhaps my man-sister from another mister...

Or my bestie with a flat chestie...

My rock with a cock.

See where I'm going with this? OK. Hold that thought.

In other news, I recently almost died from Toxic Shock. It wasn't pretty. In fact, it was slightly terrifying with a dash of mortification. The doctor laughed at my horror, telling me it happens all the time. Not to fucking me, it doesn't! I've watched all the doctor shows, thank you. I do not shove strange foreign objects up my cootch such as light bulbs, hot dogs, carrots or baseball bats.

Wait. What?

OK. I'll re-phrase. In the last two decades, anyway, it's just been the usual boxed set: Dildos, fingers, penises and tampons... ugh... tampons. Umm, yeah.

Why are these two trains of thought related, you ask?

Well, I was speaking to him on the phone the other day, revealing these latest embarrassing details.

His immediate response: "How does that happen to you? Shouldn't it have just fallen out? I thought you had a giant vagina!"

Awesome.

Apparently, it's giant enough that I had no idea it was up there, but not giant enough that it could fall out on its own. All I knew was that I was dying from the inside. Actually, not dying. Dead. And rotting.

So, thank you, my darling, for the vote of confidence for my huge vagina. Unfortunately, she, too, has now proven to be fallible.
It was truly a sad day, indeed.

Also? Happy fucking birthday to one of only two men* that openly converse on the size and state of my vagina.

A drawing by him. Not sure what's going on there.
His creative mind is disturbing, even at the best of times.
I love him.

(*PS. For the record, the other man is not my husband. He does not discuss such things. :-)

Don't Dildo & Drive

When I was 20, I had just moved out of my super conservative parents' house & was living on my own for the first time. I had always been mostly well behaved & lived with the morals that my parents instilled in me, but once I moved out, I took a rapid turn toward slutty town.

That summer, I went on vacation by myself to visit friends and family who lived several hundred miles north of me. While I was there, I came across a store in a mall that sold some adult toys & paraphernalia. At the time, it seemed so naughty & shocking, but in my life since then I've discovered that it was actually fairly tame in comparison to many others.

While I was in the store, I decided to buy my best girlfriend back home (she was both my friend and occasionally my girlfriend) her first vibrator. She'd also been raised in a very religious home and was on the same journey that I was toward exploration and freedom and of ourse, eventually pain too. In the store I thought I'd get her this vibrator as a sort of joke since neither one of us had ever masturbated or had an orgasm before. But once I had it in my hand, looking at it & thinking about my friend using it, I knew I would probably want one for myself. and I knew that if she told me that she loved it, I would end up going back to a store & going through the embarrassment of buying one again, so I decided to buy two. I'm sure I was flushed in the face as I took my 2 vibrators up to the counter to pay & I almost ran out when the man at the register asked me if I wanted to buy batteries for them too. Of course I wanted batteries. My new toy would be far less effective if it had no power.

I left the mall immediately afterwards because I couldn't wait to get out to the car & pop the batteries into that badboy and crank it up. It was very low tech; hard plastic, about 10 inches long, twist controller with only one speed. But it seemed to me that it was going to become y very own magic wand. I was afraid to try it out while parked there at the mall, so once I got the batteries installed, I started my car & headed out. Before I could even get out of the parking lot, I had stuck it up my skirt & turned it on. Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! I'd never felt anything so intense and amazing in all my life! I was so shocked that I lost control of the steering wheel & hopped up a curb and into a little grassy divider between spaces where my car stalled. I wanted more than anything to stay right there & have my way with that magic wand. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I wanted it to have its way with me, but I knew someone was likely to come investigate if I stayed there, so I got back on the road.

I drove back to my host's house very slowly, trying to remember to keep my eyes open and one hand on the steering wheel. I couldn't wait until night fell so that I could really test drive it in the privacy of my room. I hoped that no one would hear it humming through the wall, but it was worth the risk. That little plastic toy was the provider of my first O's and I was very grateful for it.

On the long drive back home, I had about 13 hours to kill, so at one point, I pulled off onto the shoulder of a highway and went around to the trunk to retrieve my new lover from my suitcase. While I was digging in my bag, a cop pulled up behind me and came over to see if I needed any assistance. I told him I was just fine & didn't need any help. He asked me what I was looking for. I hesitated for only a moment before holding up my dildo for him to see and saying that I didn't need any help from him because I could handle my own business.

Then I skipped back into my car & headed on down the highway with a twinkle in my eye and a magic wand up my skirt.






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Do YOU have a story like this from your past that perhaps doesn't quite, ah-hem, fit the tone of your own blog? I'd love to post it on mine! To submit, with full credit or anonymously, click here.