Jan 6, 2012

Hello there, Drama!

Here's one of my less-than-stellar flashback moments. Please! I encourage you to cringe enjoy at my expense.

I had just broken up with Jim; my first love, blardy blar blar. I was 16 and ridiculously devastated. We had broken up mid-week and that next weekend was Halloween, complete with a huge party filled with horny teenagers and a lot of alcohol. I somehow ended up having a “deep and meaningful” chat with one of the guys from my school (that I had zero interest in, romantically). The low-down of his sob story was that he had been with his girlfriend for almost 3 years by that point, and she wanted to wait until they graduated high school before they consummated their relationship. Needless to say, he was getting ants in his pants.

Ingredients for disaster:
1 sexually frustrated 17 year old male with a long-term girlfriend that had gone home for the night.
1 heartbroken 16 year old girl, who was so freshly off the rebound that you could taste the spiked Gatorade.
1 bottle of vodka
1 sleeping bag

So, in my very drunken lack of judgement, I suggested that I do him "a favor" and I would have sex with him, but it had to be TOP MUTHERFUCKING SECRET. I wasn’t going to be a part of any drama. It was purely a friend doing another friend, so he can get some “relief”. Ahem. I was also so upset from my break-up that I actually thought this might be good for me, seeing as then my ex-boyfriend wouldn’t be the last person I would have then been with. The logic is there, although sad and hormonally skewed. Anyway, so we had sex. It was uneventful, awkward, clumsy.... and quick. And I thought that would be it.

The next morning, I got a phone call from this guy.
He confessed to his girlfriend.
Broke up with her.
And was in love with me...

DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK? 

Yuck! I was completely up shit creek now. Did I mention I was still living with Jim? Hello there, Drama! I felt so nauseous and stressed out that I spent about 2 hours kneeling over the toilet, and metaphorically watching my social life circle counter-clockwise down the toilet while I dry heaved into it.

Lucky for me, their group of friends weren’t very extensive and pretty contained. My school also turned out to be surprisingly less caught up in the gossip of other people’s misdeeds than it was at my Canadian school. Minus about 5 people that now hated me, I was OK. I survived the promiscuous shit storm and came out the other side. Life went on...

On a side note, that couple eventually got back together a year or two later, and they are married now with a couple of kids. Thank you, Facebook. So, in the span of their relationship, I am that big permanent glitch. If you read it closely, it would say something like: “That cheap skank that broke-up mommy and daddy long before you were born.” Yep, that’s me.

I wonder if he will add THAT to his Facebook timeline...

22 comments:

  1. This sounds like something I would end up getting myself into... Just not in high school. Oddly enough I was pretty good while I was in high school.

    Gotta love those rebound moments though. And it wasn't you that screwed up majorly, it was him. Men think with their members a large majority of the time, but you know that as well as I do.

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  2. Wow. He's an idiot. I agree that he was the one who was a royal moron, not you. Glad you made it out of that situation relatively home free.

    The line about his timeline is priceless :)

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  3. I'm just in awe with all the sex you were getting. Oops, did I say that out loud? ;)

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  4. Sex flashbacks you have cool blog worthy ones. I am now the one with ants in her pants. Thank god I'm not a hormonal teen and instead a bitter angry cynical 31 year old woman. Whew, so much better.

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  5. Heh, I fell in love with MY cherry-popper too...

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  6. @Sweaty

    This is 45 seconds of sex I could have done without...


    @Lost

    But you were DATING your cherry popper - I think that's the big difference ;)

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  7. friends with benefits always seems to go south... (no pun intended) ;P

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  8. I needed that. Thank you so much for letting me cringe. You make my days brighter.

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  9. @Suniverse

    See? Now how fun would this movie be? RIGHT?!! ha.

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  10. No good deed goes unpunished.
    Nothing like having someone get attached after one round of mediocre sex...sigh...
    At least you can always look at their happy family FB pics and be glad it is her that ended up with him because you already know you're not missing a thing.

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  11. Oh, it's stories like this that make me so glad I've blacked out most of my high school memories.

    Any way you can link this story to the happy couple's timeline?

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  12. Supa-skank! LOL! There is no such thing as a selfless good deed...they all come back to bite you in the ass.

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  13. I'll be the one to ask....How do you have sex in a sleeping bag?

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  14. @Karen

    And it WAS selfless... I got nothing out of it! lol

    @Pamela

    Very quickly :)

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  15. And WHY isn't this story on the Hallmark Channel?

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  16. Whoa whoa whoa, I just read Pamela's question.
    A teenage boy could have sex in a sock (and quite often does. Kinda) let alone a sleeping bag.
    Nothing can defeat male teenage libido.
    Except the onset of of middle-aged man loss of libido and the NFL Network.

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  17. @Al

    It's LONG overdue, that's for damn sure.

    Bring tissues...

    FOR THE TEARS.

    Ewww... gross, you guys!

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  18. I actually miss the drama sometimes. It always had to do with sex. I guess maybe I just miss the crazy sex.

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  19. I've been a home wrecker.
    After the marriage.
    Yah. That.

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  20. This just proves that to girls, love is an emotional state where we will give and give and sacrifice to make the other person happy. To men, love is a warm, moist dick pocket.

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  21. The things you learn for yourself that no one but yourself can teach you. Fun eh! OMG Can you imagine if every misdemeanor, charity shag, one night stand, rebounder were added to people's timelines, what havoc that would create.... yeah lets do it LOL

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