Jan 20, 2012

My Own Apartment

After enduring years of living with people that...

• hung their gun club targets in their room
• used their money as psychologically demeaning terrorism
• licked microwaved chicken fat off plates
• played Vox by Sarah McLachlan exclusively on repeat for 2 months straight
• followed me around with a bottle of disinfectant
• let varying colours of mold grow on almost every piece of food they didn't consume
• owned a rat that had a tumor... and then it gnawed it's own tumor off and still wondered around the apartment, festering and diseased
• constantly breaking their bed due to vigorous sex between two rather large individuals that sounded like rhinos trying to kill each other for dominance over their herd
• was not so secretly in love with another roommate, so began a sociopathic hate campaign against anyone else (a.k.a. Me) that befriended said other roommate
• tried to kill themselves
• would spill a quarter of a pound of sugar on the counter and floor and then walk away and leave it
• had "Therapy Thursdays" so we all had to avoid them at all costs after those wonderful sessions
• claimed to have trudged through the swamps in Vietnam with a gun even though she was only nineteen
• spit-shined their boots every morning and wore camouflage... FOR FUN
• blasting gangster rap while chilling in his fitted Ralph Lauren khakis and collared Lacoste shirt
• gave Single White Female a run for the title
• instead of emptying the garbage, they (and this is more than one) would just throw garbage in the general vicinity of the garbage and letting it pile up and fester
• got pregnant but decided NOT to tell her family, because we all know a skinny skank that suddenly wears XL overalls and sweaters is completely subtle and sneaky
• having 3 boyfriends that were not aware of each other and we were expected to keep track of their names
• sleeping with two brothers that DID know about each other (ewww)
• was a cutter
• would lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling for hours and not say a word or fall asleep
• insisted on watching "CSI Whatthefuckever" and then commenting on how inaccurate it all was because they knew everything about forensic science
• almost going postal because I asked whether it was cool or not that we rotated garbage duties
• talking with her boyfriend between the hours of 1am-5am, which sounded like Charlie Brown's mother reverberating through my wall every fucking night
• constantly living in fear of their cat swallowing tinsel and having to pull it out of its ass
• ran a phone sex hotline from their room...

I decided it was time I lived on my own.

The first paycheck in which I earned a relatively acceptable salary, I told the current nut jobs that I would be leaving in 30 days from that moment. And I would NOT be hitting my ass on the door on my way out.

It was a beautiful blue, single dormered two story house in the heart of Greek Town. The ceilings were high and light blasted through skylights in both the kitchen and living room. The walls were white and clean, and the hardwood floors were freshly polished. The smell of varnish and paint filled the tiny apartment, and it made me smile.

It was perfect.
It was all mine.
I could be alone, finally.

And then 3 months after I moved in, the landlords had a baby. Colic.


Mama's Losin' It


  1. I'm sorry, I only caught the last 2 words of this post. The answer is 'maybe later, I have a headache.'

    And wow, I got off easy on the roommate department. My only roomie was a young Julia Roberts lookalike. She was a virgin, but liked to play 'strip' card games with me, and wanted to know what my semen tasted like (but wouldn't get it out herself)....

    I miss her... she was my ex wife's best friend, and I regret not tapping that.

  2. I'm sure I left a lot out. I've been told I should have recorded it all at the time and made a TV series about crazy roommates, as I seemed to have the "best" luck. Sigh.

  3. Idaho,....I only noticed the last two words also. And if you're gonna be there (if your headache goes away) I think I'll 'come' along. Tell your previous roommate that it is kinda salty and Lady Estrogen....you have had the worst luck ever! Just make friends with the baby and slip it a bit of whiskey now and then. Peace.

  4. A diseased rat? ewww poor thing. I um wow that is a long list of crazy

  5. I was a wee bit jealous of the Greek town place until the whole colic thing . . . not so jealous now! :)

  6. Jenn,

    It was the cutest little apartment!!
    I loved it - until that baby came along. It was mildly soul crushing.

  7. WAIT. Microwaved chicken fat sounds delicious.

  8. ugh... babes. The destroyers of sleep...

  9. In hindsight, I think he hid his wife from me until I signed the lease! I was there at least 5 times before and I NEVER saw her. It was only AFTER I signed that she appeared around the property ALL THE TIME with her giant baby belly. Grrrrrr...

  10. Those roommates sound like NIGHTMARES!!!! How miserable!! The rhino/bed part was almost more than I could take. The baby is WAY better than those people!

  11. I don't know how you survived! Just so you know there are some nice people in the world. I was one of those late night talkers but I would shut myself in my closet so that I didn't disturb my roommate.

  12. lol- the grass is never greener on the other side.

  13. I can't get over the tumor rat.

  14. Sorry! I had to laugh. Drama! Drama! Drama! Stopping by from Mama Kats.

  15. Hahaha! Well...at least it was quiet for a MINUTE. And the baby wasn't juggling three boyfriends.

  16. Your roommates story could seriously make at least three or four thriller movies right there! Compared to yours, my experiences with roommates were pretty tame. Well except for one, who ended up introducing her friend to my boyfriend at the time, and the bastard then cheated on me with her. Now that I remember... lol ;)

  17. Roommates are awful.

    Still, running a phone sex line qualifies that person as a small business owner in my estimation.


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