So this happened . . .

"Honey, check out the hot deals on the end cap shelf there."

*wink wink*

Husband: "Ohh, ribbed for her pleasure. And on clearance! Sweet."

"For that price, we should probably buy them, ya know, to test them out."

H: "Yeah. That's totally the reason . . . for the greater good."

"Well, it might be a good idea anyway. With me not working, it'd be the absolute worst time for us to have an 'accident', ya know what I mean?"

H: "Fine. Good point. Very good point."


--- Later that evening ---


H: "Here. You can put it on."

"Awesome. I love when you talk dirty to me."

"Oh my god. I feel as if I haven't done this in a decade."

H: "Yep. It's been about that long!"

"I feel like a teenager!"

H: "Oh yeah. I always forget about your slutty high school years."

"This, as you're trying to get me to put a condom on your cock? I love you, baby."

H: "Uh huh."

"Ohh, I remembered to leave room at the tip!"


--- A couple minutes later ---


H: "Am I in?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ARE YOU IN? YES, YOU'RE IN."

H: "I can't feel anything."

*pound pound*

"Anything? You're pounding just fine."

*pound pound*

H: "Do you feel the ribbing?"

*pound pound*

"Umm. Nope."

*pound pound*

"Are you going to be able to finish if you can't feel it?"

*pound pound*

H: "Oh yeah. I'm close."

"But you can't even feel anything? Life is tough for you, babe. Humm."

*pound pound*

H: "Here I come!"

*rolls over*

"Here's a tissue for that ribbed disappointment . . . where is it?"

H: "Ugh. I dunno."

"YOU'RE MEANT TO HOLD ON TO IT WHEN YOU WITHDRAW."

H: "Oops."

*I fished the condom out of my hoohaa*

"It was unsatisfying for both of us, kind of, and didn't even work as birth control?! Well that was fun."

H: "Meh."

"I want a do over. Soon."

*he reaches over and hands me my toy.*

"Humph."

Jeremy's New Filmography

If you are just tuning in to the Jeremy London series, you might want to rewind to the first and second installment... or don't... whatever. Also? It was Jeremy's birthday, so this also doubles as a slightly belated birthday present to the big man.
MY FULL SUPPORT, BRUTHA -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Now, roll out the fiction...

Lady Estrogen (that's me, yay!) has been working diligently trying to get Jeremy into some big projects over the past few months. She's not overly good at her job, but dammit, she tries. Jeremy humors his struggling agent, but mostly because he can't be bothered finding a new one. Lady E is relaxing at a booth with red leather seats. She has a portfolio case sitting on the table and she sips her coffee as she eagerly waits for Jeremy. He enters the café and spots her, giving an unimpressed nod that he has seen her and approaches.

Jeremy London: Hey. I got your text. What was so urgent? I have a busy day today.

Lady Estrogen: Sure you do.

JL: Real nice.

LE: You know it comes from love, Jeremy.

JL: What do you want?

LE: I've had a breakthrough! I'm so excited - sit down... please.

JL: Ugh. Fine. You have 5 minutes.

LE: I love how you make time for me.

JL: The clock is ticking.

LE: Okay. Okay. Look, I want to spice up your filmography a teeny bit. I think it might do well to beef up your resume. I mean... we all do it - why not actors?

JL: What do you mean "beef up"?

LE: I got some random movie posters and I've added you to them!

JL: You can't do that! That's just fucking lying. You're ridiculous.

LE: They'll get lost in between your authentic jobs. Like I said, it's just filler. See? Here's the first one I did...

JL: GANGS OF NEW YORK?

LE: Wuh? You've heard of it?

JL: Umm, yeah. It's a pretty big movie.

LE: Huh. Never heard of it.

JL: Go figure.

LE: I think you just mocked me, but I'm going to rise above, Jeremy. RISE ABOVE.
   OK. How about this one? Titanic? You like tits, right?

JL: TIE-TAN-ICK. It's another big fucking movie. And? It won, like, 10 Academy Awards.

LE: Wow. I really need to take a trip to Blockbuster.

JL: That's fucking closed, darling.

LE: WHAT THE HELL? Are you serious or just fucking with me?

JL: I never fuck... with you.

LE: Well, you're missing out, but anyway, how about this one? You can't tell me THIS one was a big hit. It's from a while back, so I used one of your younger photos.

JL: What the hell is wrong with you? What movies HAVE you seen?

LE: Well, Mallrats... at least most of it, anyway. They lost me with the whole "a schooner is a sailboat" realization. What a mind fuck THAT was.

JL: Also... Why the hell is my head so damn big?

LE: I don't know - I matched it up to the dude's head underneath. I guess his head was big too.

JL: You mean LEONARDO DICAPRIO?

LE: Who?

JL (rubbing his forehead as if he's getting a migraine): Really?

  Actually... all of these posters have you replacing him with me. Did you notice?

LE: Total coincidence. Is he the orphan from Growing Pains?

JL: That detail you know, but Titanic you don't?

LE: I heard Kirk Cameron is selling bibles or some weird shit like that. Now that's def-in-ite-ly not the Kirk Cameron I masturbated to as a young girl.

JL: Wow. Have you been huffing glue?

LE: I don't think so. Why? Do you know many glue huffers?

JL: THAT was an insult. And your time is soooo up. 

(Jeremy is getting up out of the booth and adjusting the collar of his jacket)

I don't think I'll be needing your "ideas"... EVER.

LE: Wuh-wuh-wait. So, it's a 'No' then?

JL (with a look like someone just shit in his mouth): It's a big motherfucking NO.

By the way, don't text me again. If I need something, I'll be in touch.

LE: I'll reduce my services to only 7 PERCENT. How'd that be? I'll get you a limo! A nice stretch job with a TV and a bar! How's that sound?!

JL (He doesn't look back as he walks away from the booth): Don't care! Don't call!

LE (whispers dramatically to herself): I will win you back, Jeremy. 

(yells across the café): I WILL WIN YOU BACK IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!

Blue M&Ms are Simply Superior

It is mostly likely an isolated occurrence that I will post anything like this, but I was laughing so hard when it took place, tears were streaming down my face. Thank you, Gmail, for recording every word of all my gChats. I never thought it had a purpose until this very moment. Since it was essentially instigated by the Studio30Plus writing prompt, I am taking the liberty in saying that this still totally counts. Fuck yeah, it does!

2:17 PM me: I'm trying to do a funny poem about my weird habits... I needed a rhyme idea for the word "few".. of course, Stu came up. hahaha

2:18 PM Stu: ha ha

 me: don't think I'll use that one though

2:22 PM Stu: you can use me how you like

 me: you say that, but then every time I try, you scold me ;)

2:24 PM Stu: well there is a time and place darling

2:25 PM me: humfh

2:27 PM Fine, then. I WILL put you as a weird habit of mine. lol

 Stu: that is probably true

 me: what? that you're a habit?

2:29 PM Stu: a weird habit

2:30 PM me: best one I've ever had then... apart from counting and sorting M&Ms

2:32 PM and twirling my hair

  or biting the sides of my fingers

2:33 PM OK, but you'd definitely be in the Top 5.

 Stu: mmm I want m&m's

 me: Me too

2:34 PM but I would need to sort them by color and quantity

  like an M&M bar graph

2:35 PM It is truly a beautiful thing when it's all laid out.

2:36 PM If math was that yummy, I probably would have been much better at it

2:37 PM you've gone to get M&Ms, haven't you?

2:38 PM Stu: no, was working.

  They taste all the same you know

2:39 PM me: that's not the point

2:40 PM The blue ones are simply superior!

2:41 PM Stu: this is probably one of the dumbest conversations we have ever had

2:42 PM me: this makes me happy

  Fuck the poem, I'm just going to use this conversation

2:43 PM because, really, I can't make this shit up

  GOLDEN SHIT

2:44 PM if it came in silver, bronze and platinum, I'd sort all that shit too

2:46 PM platinum would be on top

  I like being on top

 Stu: so you are now sorting your shit?

2:47 PM me: only if it was made of precious metals

  otherwise? no.

2:48 PM I love how you ignored my sexual innuendo just then

2:51 PM Stu: well you went from sorting feces to riding me. Not exactly the image I want

2:53 PM me: HA! "Golden" feces, babe

2:54 PM Stu: don't care

  shit is still shit

2:55 PM me: Fine. Back to M&Ms then?

 Stu: sure ya weirdo

2:56 PM me: you do realize that you've just helped me with my post for tonight, right?

2:59 PM I just used you

  Do you feel dirty?

 Stu: more like bored and sad that I won't ever get that time back

3:00 PM me: Wait until you read it back, you'll want to kill yourself...