Aug 15, 2011

Because God Has A Penis

EXPULSION OF ADAM AND EVE FROM PARADISE after Masaccio by Charles Thomson
[credit: Esoteric Agenda]
I've been doing a lot of thinking about how our bodies work and in particular, how women's bodies work. Last year, I started becoming a lot more aware of what we are capable of... whether it's hidden deep within ourselves or not - it's there - somewhere. The more I try to achieve certain levels of sexual consciousness, a few things have been made abundantly clear to me, in particular, my thoughts on God.

During my bohemian art school years, in between hits from the water bong, I was all Morissette'd up on ideas like, "Yeah, like, God is totally a chick, like, for sure, right on!"

Lately, I have done a 180 and I am back firmly with the belief that God is a dude... because of sex. When he was drawing up his grand design for how our fun parts functioned, he could have easily have made the ability to climax with ease a part of the woman's abilities and not the man's. I can see how it wouldn't have be wise that BOTH male and female have this gift of effortless orgasms, since nothing would ever get accomplished and humanity in its entirely would likely still all be living in caves with no indoor plumbing to fucking speak of.

Let us examine two scenarios and see which one make more sense, shall we?

Guy:  I'm close, baby. I'm about to cum.
Girl: I'm not even close. Do you want me to slow down?
Guy:  You can try, but I don't have long!
      Oh, fuck. I'm done.
Girl: Can you help me finish?
Guy:  Sure baby, gimmie a second to recover.
(2 minutes later)
Girl, annoyed, gets out vibrator and finishes on her own.

Girl: I'm going to cum. Ooohh, here it comes. Ahhhhh.
Guy:  I still have a ways to go, but I love your screams.
Girl: It feels amazing. Keep going, honey!
Guy:  Do you want to switch positions?
Girl: Sure. Ooohh, here comes another one!!
Guy:  It's going to be a little while still. Are you OK to keep going?
Girl: Yeah, baby. I can keep going. No problem.
(2 minutes later)
      Ahhh. Here's another one!!
Guy:  OK, I'm ready. Ahhhh.
Girl and guy both exhausted and satisfied... every time.

See? Now, the first scenario is a more believable situation than the second, because guys can climax so much easier but then cannot recover quickly; if it was reversed, wouldn't they both have a much more well-rounded experience?

Also. If you happen to be a woman that CAN climax that easily, I don't want to hear about it. Shut the fuck up, seriously. This post is not about your euphoric exception to the status quo. Good for you, though.

Good. For. You.

So, back to my original point, seeing as this is my conclusion, I need to reiterate my original thesis like a good girl. God most definitely is a guy because of the first scenario. Here is how I would like to think it all went down on Day Six.

God:  I love my penis. Penises are cool. Why would I make THAT difficult for the little guy to do with his penis? That's just silly. I'll make it nice and easy for him. Score. Punch it in!
(2 minutes later)
      Her? Meh. I really don't care. She can fucking work for it. 


  1. are on point as usual. I am brain dead after the deed. My man on man relationship requires mutual orgasmic choreography....otherwise we are left eating each others dust.

  2. This is SO true!! I don't know how often I say "just a little bit longer" and he's like oops I'm done. Seriously?!?!?! Then I either have to finish myself or try to go to sleep. I usually just grab a cigarette and try to sleep. He gets cranky if I wake him lol.

  3. We all went through that bad-ass Morrisette stage. Complete with spiral perm and neon shoes! Loverly!

    Good thesis, awesome summary conclusion!


  4. It's 2:30am and I can't sleep. Maybe I should just rub one out and be done?

    Can it be that simple?

    More importantly, why didn't I think of this before???

  5. What are you talking about? Women aren't supposed to finish or find any pleasurable release from the act of sex. She might turn into a loose woman or a harlot. Sex is simply a means to procreate.

    Oh, crap, sorry...I was watching the news and one of the crazy religious zealots must have channeled into me...

    Thank God for (uh, for letting us) invent the vibrator. Cheers.

  6. Unfortunately I am not a fast finisher...however, I do have a thoughtful partner who almost always ensures I finish before or at the same time as Himself....and if I don't, he almost always helps me to finish. I am one of the lucky ones. And I totally agree, the Christian God most certainly is a male god.

  7. @Painted Elephant

    I've heard about those guys - good catch ;)


    Yes, I think it IS THAT SIMPLE - damn you.


    YEAH for toys, that's for damn sure!

  8. it does make me feel a bit jealous that my parts don't want to give up the O, but my husband's parts wants to throw it at him! why oh why must it be so?

  9. He's without a doubt--a man! OBVI!

  10. Your picture caused me to think of the following caption: "Yes, yes, we've been thrown out of the Garden of Eden. I get it. But, hey, I'm sportin' some major wood here. How 'bout we sin a little before we have to put on some clothes?"

  11. @Al

    Yes, if the seal was broken, I say why stop there - might as well have some fun in the banished land.

  12. haha, it would be nice if it were the other way around. It only makes sense!

  13. My belief that god is a man stems not only from the sex. But also from the complete one sided approach to the design of our plumbing. At puberty they once again get the easy o and nut in there pants while they sleep. We end up With a sweatshirt tied around our waist in an attempt to hide the fact that mother nature has quite literally kicked us in the seat of our pants. Then pregnancy. Men gain a simpathy belly at most.
    we get 9 months of unspeakably disgusting things happening to our bodies. (i think my son was 2 before i could laugh or sneeze without pissing myself) life is hard enough without getting kicked from the inside!
    then a human being tears through our bodies leaving us with several stitches and at the least hemroids. and last but not least the hot flashes and mood swings that come with menopause. WTF? really? yes my dear god is a man and has a f***ed up sense of humor.

  14. well I would have to agree. and that post is just the tip of the phallic iceberg as to the reasons why.

  15. No, no, no...clearly you have all missed the salient point. God is a hermaphrodite. His pleasure is instant because he's got both sets of equipment. He is clueless about banal concepts like assisting, delaying, and slowing down. Ain't mortality a bitch?



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