Jun 13, 2011

A Chastity What Now?

When I worked in retail, or worse yet, at Walmart, any simple thing could help pass the time; distractions were always welcomed whenever possible, such as new video games in the Electronics Department, or trying on all the low quality diamond rings in the Jewelry Department.

Now imagine a distraction that had a penis hanging between his legs. Oh, baby!

Stefan was the reason that got me to drag my ass to that soul-sucking job for 15-20 hours a week. He was not the usual bad boy that I was drawn to. He was soft-spoken, clean-cut and had the most kind and soulful eyes. If I had to liken him to anyone, it would have to be Agent John Myers (Rupert Evans) in Hellboy. Sometimes I think that maybe my standards changed slightly because anything was better that the sweaty 400lb Customer Service Manager that I worked with, but regardless, he was some degree of hot on anyone's scale.

Also? His name was Stefan Ferrel and since I was Stephanie Farrell, it was an additional turn on; I enjoy funky shit like that. Trust me, the weirdest one is yet to be written.

There was a road block, however. A giant, annoying road block and her name was Martha. Martha also clearly lusted after Stefan. The two of us would compete for his attention - or rather - she would compete with me. As I have mentioned before, I'm built like a brick shithouse, but this girl had an additional 4 inches on me, both in height and width. Yeah, yeah, size doesn't matter - BULLSHIT. For once in my life, I was SMALLER than the competition. Call me what you will, but I enjoyed that shallow and rare ace in my pocket.

Martha would have been that keener that sat in the front row in class; she answered every question and wore nothing but Northern Reflections jogging pants and sweatshirts with snowflakes and bunnies on them.

Yes, that was her.

As for me? I had pixie-short BLUE hair, an eyebrow ring and wore fitted ringer t-shirts that said things like "Etch A Sketch: The World's First Laptop". Needless to say, this girl got on my nerves, which was only compounded with her lame attempts to set me on fire with her death stares. Paaaaa-sssshhhhhaa! Easy there, killer.

Finally, I got an invite to go out with Stefan OUTSIDE of work hours. I was so fucking excited; it had been months, which was longer than I usually invested into a conquest.

Almost the exact same time I showed up to his place, Martha pulled up behind me! What the hell? Apparently, it wasn't a "date" but a "friends" outing to which he invited us both. I was livid and I wanted to kick that sasquatch back to whatever forest to whence she came. We uncomfortably hung out at his place for a few minutes, trying to pretend that the other wasn't there. For the first time I noticed that Stefan was wearing jewelry around his neck; I was intrigued, "Oh, what's that?"

"Ah, yes. It's my Chastity ring." He said very proudly and sincerely, "I don't like wearing it to work in case it gets caught on anything."

Whoa! Back up there, sport; your chastity what now? That is what I was thinking, but in reality, I just stood there and grinned like it didn't totally make me want to claw my own eyes out in frustration with the corner of the condom wrapper I had in my purse.

Saint Martha Sasquatch chimed in while waving her pudgy ring finger, "Oh yes. I have mine too!"

Of course you do, Martha. Of. Course. You. Do.

Right then I realized I had just wasted 3 months of my life with a couple of Kumbaya-singing mother fuckers that I would never get back. I looked at my watch and made up some bullshit story; I didn't even bother with attempting to be believable. "Ugh. I just remembered I have an essay I have to do for tomorrow! You crazy kids are going to have to have fun without me."

I saw a grotesque smirk appear on Martha's face while I was making my swift exit, but I didn't care; I let her have her sad little moment. Bitch, you could HAVE him! The only time I wanted a guy praying to God was if he was trying not to cum too soon while I was riding him like a mechanical bull.

Chastity ring, indeed.

30 comments:

  1. Hahaha!!! I dont even know what to add to that!

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  2. "Riding him like a mechanical bull" - HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    Freaking love you.

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  3. A girl after my own heart. Nice. I like the way you think... and I know exactly what you mean. So glad I'm following.

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  4. Ugh. That makes me think of the guy I had to put a restraining order on. I said fuck buddy, not fiancee.

    False. Fucking. Advertisement.

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  5. I just want that Etch A Sketch teeshirt!

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  6. Too funny! Lesson learned: do tour homework!!!!

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  7. I personally enjoy watching the "chastity rings" quietly disappear from those teen celebs! Hum, dear Jonas bro . . . where did that little ring disappear to . . . does it have something to do with a new girlfriend?!
    Jenn

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  8. Look on the bright side, maybe the chastity ring could fit on his little congressman.
    So you have that going for you.
    Which is nice.

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  9. What a freakin waste of time! I once had to watch my Hub's 13-yr-old niece take chastity vows in a church during her Mom's wedding ceremony. It was surreal. Then they had a dry reception--Hell. (The parents are ow divorced after the holier-than-thou husband turned out to be a pill-popping thief and the niece was married at 19, divorced at 20 and is currently sleeping her way through various ski bums...) Chastity ring worked great!

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  10. @Jillian
    You had to get a restraining order on someone? I've never been that lucky.

    @Lynn
    THAT'S the problem with liking someone from work - no one knew him so I couldn't get the 411 on him, like I could have at school or such.

    @Al
    You are right, but I still would have liked to have found out during my own exploration.

    @Vinobaby
    Most holier-than-thou Christians are insane... and usually have some dark, evil secret that they are trying to over-compensate for.

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  11. you'd think that Bible Bangin meant something fun....unfortunately it just means reading bible verses.


    you are hilarious!

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  12. I'm glad this didn't turn into a story where you tried to corrupt the good chaste boy, and wasted weeks/months of your life just for some bad sex.

    Good job getting out while the getting was good. Now tell me more about this blue hair. :D

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  13. He didn't want it to get caught on something at work? I have visions of you falling on top of him, sans clothes, and accidentally getting him caught in you.

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  14. This is the best story ever. Seriously? A chastity ring? What a pussy. You did the right thing ditching both those a-holes.

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  15. I was in some creepy youth group once where they had all the girls sit in a circle and then passed around an opened chocolate bar. After it went through everyone's nasty hands and was all melty- the lady said, "now who wants to eat this?" and then went into a tirade about how men don't want something that someone else has ruined. I shit you not. Scarred me for life...and did nothing to prevent me from having premarital sex. ;)

    Kris :)(letmepeeinpeace)

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  16. You never know, could've just been a ploy...he was probably a freakyass kiddo!

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  17. @Daffy
    Na. He was Saint-fucking-shithead.
    It all made sense after the fact - I just had horny blinders on for all those months.
    ;)

    @Kris
    That is bizarre. I would have eaten the chocolate anyway; fuck it. I would think a fresh lint roller would have worked for that analogy as well. Pass that around the circle and see how it looks after 10 people have used it. LOL

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  18. I would totally give up my chastity ring for you ;)

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  19. Chastity rings are real things?

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  20. @SarcasmGoddess
    And I totally would accept your chastity ring, gladly.

    @Rob
    Unfortunately, yes, they are real.

    @PamelaGold
    Yes, I would have liked him to fall into me as well, but Jesus thought otherwise. lol

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  21. You are funny. That was a great story. Incidentally, my first "sweetheart" was a mormon boy whose father was the closest one to god as anyone could get in that partcular church. His dad had a rule he could not date until he got his Eagle Scout badge for the boy scouts. (At 16 I just didn't see it happening.) He thought I might corrupt his son...It never stopped us from humping in a potato field whenever we thought we could get away with it.

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  22. As always I have a story!
    Once I met a dude online, I invited him over, he got to my door and I realized HEY, you're a mutha fuckin' liar! You look NOTHING like your picture!
    So, instead of being nice and inviting him in and giving him the benefit of the doubt, I slammed the door in his face, made some popcorn and watch a made for tv movie by myself.
    Cause you know what?
    I don't like people who omit the truth.

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  23. Chastity rings, puh-leeze! We're animals, baby! The only ring I want to see is a co-, never mind.

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  24. @Leighann
    That is so awesome. Love it.
    I wouldn't have been that brave.

    @Flannery
    Yes. co- ring indeed. Ah-hem.

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  25. OMG... that is priceless. Thanks for the hoot !! I knew I didn't date ALL the losers in the world.

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  26. This reminds me of a girl I went to high school with who thought we were competing for the same boy, only she was so stupid she didn't realize he was gay. She terrorized the poor thing until he finally resorted to using me as a beard, since no one was out in the rural south in the 80s.

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  27. Chastity ring? Seriously? I don't think I could have NOT laughed in his face. WTF?

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  28. "riding him like a mechanical bull"

    I think I just peed my panties.

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  29. HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! So close! Yet so far....

    Hm, I may be a little off (or blind) today, but I can't seem to find your Blogger follow button... :(

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