Jun 8, 2011

An Ode to Summer

Warning: This post is saturated with a considerable amount of sarcasm and bitterness.

The summertime is full of glorious things
like mosquito-infested family walks,
rancid smelling Birkenstocks,
And swimsuits with exposed tampons strings.

I love how my skin is so pasty-white
that I truly do glow in the sun.
Ya, you heard me, hun -
Go fuck yourselves, Twilight.

It's fantastic when someone will often say,
'Oh, have you spilled? You're a little wet!'
Nope. That's just my boob sweat,
But thanks for making my day.

The superb smells of summer include
the garbage that's baking in the heat,
plus 50 diapers that make the stench complete.
Oh, and my dog just spewed.

The Fresh Prince said it's a natural afrodisiac,
But after an afternoon sweating outside
the last thing I'm ever going to ride
is something attached to my man's ball sack.

Also, I would like to express my affection
for how the summer reverts my face
back to being covered in spots and disgrace. 
Welcome back, my pubescent complexion.

Oh, yes. The summertime is so great.
I enjoy having to expose my varicose veins,
along with showing off my sexy pit stains.
I'll also be asked, "When's your due date?"

So here's to every scorching afternoon
when I cannot wear white or grey, better yet,
if I want to succeed in hiding my crotch sweat.
Summer? Seriously!
You can lick my hot, sticky poon!


A Mother Life

37 comments:

  1. I have a really bad cold, and as I read this I laughed so hard I gave myself a coughing fit. It was totally worth it, though! This post is fucking brilliant!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You made my morning!!!
    you said what most of us think...great fucking job.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Woohoo! Shout outs for boob and crotch sweat! At least u don't live in the south....we're already in our 2nd week of 90 degree weather here. We're in for a pretty miserable summer here I have a feeling. Let the pit stains begin.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Christ, I've just snorted coffee out of my nose!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh,whatever you do in your life DO NOT move to Florida. You have just accurately described every day in my freaking life.

    Although how the hell do you make Birkis reek? I thought they were indestructible--made out of ground roaches or something else that will survive Armageddon....

    Cheers.
    VB

    ReplyDelete
  6. From one "white hot" girl to another -- Love stanza two in particular :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you for the compliments - it was part of a rare moment of clarity for me.

    @vinobaby
    The cork can't really get wet - over time, it gets rotten and smells totally fucking disgusting... yet I'll never stop buying them. Duh, me.

    @karen
    No. I couldn't live anywhere south of Massachusetts (which I LOVE, btw).

    ReplyDelete
  8. My boob sweat once doubled as a Rorschach test.

    ReplyDelete
  9. @FranceRants
    A bat? An old woman? The Madonna & Child? 2 penises having a sword fight?

    ReplyDelete
  10. The heat index today is 105. Or hotter than death's used tampon.
    I haven't laughed this hard since your last update.;)
    Kris (Letmepeeinpeace)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. But I guess if I did, I could just pass it off as crotch sweat, seeing as I live in a tropical country where it's HOT ALL YEAR ROUND.

    ReplyDelete
  12. It's true.
    Hot and sticky.
    I don't want to touch anyone, let alone get naked with them.
    GROSS.
    GIT OFF ME.
    Sweaty Poon indeed.
    IN....DEED.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Any poem that involves boob sweat and the phrase "fuck you twilight" deserves worldwide recognition.

    Major beatnik snaps to you, my dear.

    ReplyDelete
  14. rofl. In spite of all that I still like summer better than winter. love the post

    ReplyDelete
  15. Please, what is it up there, like 90? ;) Come visit us for a Texas summer!

    Hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  16. As you read in my last post, I'm a big fan of poetry. However, I failed to acknowledge just how many things could rhyme with "poon." Now I'm bummed I missed out.

    Anyway, loved it :) Considering I have a concave chest, boob sweat is not an issue, something I am grateful for today when it's effing 94 degrees out. At least I can use the heat as an excuse for my bitchiness, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ah, boob sweat and exposed tampon strings-- the joys of summer!

    ReplyDelete
  18. lmfao hilarious! I lost a tampon at a waterpark once all because I sneezed to hard and it shot out of me like a bullet out of a gun...nasty shit seriously!

    ReplyDelete
  19. @Abby
    Oh, yes - the possibilities are endless. I've also realized that there is some form of vagina slang to suit any rhyme you'll ever need.

    @TamponTorpedo
    You crack me up - mainly because I'm damn glad it didn't happen to me.

    @Leigh Ann
    I know, I know, it's all relative. I laugh my ass off at the weak Aussies that freeze their tits off and it's not even below zero. I'm barely wearing a jacket yet! Sheesh!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Now, now. Tell us how you *really* feel.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Can I get an AMEN?

    Dear god! The AC in our building has been off all day which is horrendous in itself. Walking into the bathroom and being smacked in the face with someone's CROTCH ROT?

    Truly worthy of homocide!!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Thank you for acknowledging boob and crotch sweat. I don't know anyone else that admits to it (cept me, but I have to)

    ReplyDelete
  23. And don't forget infamous Baby Ruth bars in the public pools...Argh...

    Great post once again. Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  24. Go fuck yourselves, Twilight

    Quite possibly the best line ever written. Ever. In the history of words.

    ReplyDelete
  25. yeah, I've got the varicose vein probs also....its because I cross my legs whenever given the chance---work, bus, train, strip club. it's terrible, I cant put on a pair of shorts, I tried the other day and my reaction in the changing room of Nordstom's was a bit messy.

    I turned into the Olympic ice skater Nancy Kerrigan...."why me! why me!"

    ReplyDelete
  26. You spin pure gold, Pure Gold.

    ReplyDelete
  27. @Lizbeth
    Then I should be a whole lot fucking richer, but thanks! hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  28. Thank goodness someone else hates summer as much as I do...and is so good at capturing the essence of the hell that is summertime.

    ReplyDelete
  29. @Flannery
    No! It's not fun. I'd rather be cold and get warm than be too hot - there's only so much stripping of clothes that one can do! lol

    ReplyDelete
  30. yeah, i'm not a fan of summer either. the constant vigilant hair removal, the bronzing lotions so I don't look pasty white. and I can't stand sweating unless i'm working out and actually intend to.
    it's all a bit of a pain in the ass.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I'm more of a winter gal...although I am sporting a bit of a tan at the mo.

    Too funny lady!

    ReplyDelete
  32. You make me laugh! It's well said and ode okay! :)

    I still remembers diapers baking in the heat! ugh.

    ReplyDelete
  33. After reading this I can't imagine why you would not like summer at all.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Someone who love summer almost as much as I do! Kindred spirits.

    ReplyDelete
  35. ANd you think you have an affiliation with Australia... sheesh! Summer, It's a damn sight better than winter and snow and ice and shit!
    Thanks for hooking up as always tot he Hump Day Hook Up

    ReplyDelete
  36. I wish I could be horrified at all of that and not completely identify, but sadly, I cannot. I'm with you sister. I got asked the other day when the baby is due and I'm not even pregnant. Grab a glass of iced tea and plop a squat in the kiddie pool. I'll meet you there. :)

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.