May 5, 2011

Walmart Scars for Life

If I have to decide which would be my most memorable high school job, it's really a tough call - I've had a lot of horrible jobs. I'm going to have to go with highlighting my 7-year stretch at Walmart, as a "Customer Service Specialist". Here are the top 4 reasons why I'll never forget my, ah-hem, work experience.
1. I used to be the one that announced the commercials over the PA system. There was an old bitty full-timer that would take home the flyer every weekend and ON HER OWN TIME, she would write out commercials; they all sucked. But the one I will never forget began like this, "De Niro and Pacino, together in Heat." She was so snarky and militant about her writing - claiming there was nothing wrong with it. I changed it anyway. I changed a lot of them; usually correcting her grammar. She hated me.

2. This is the job to which I learned how disgusting "functioning" members of society really are. I've found urine-soaked nylons hidden in the Infant Department. Blood-stained bathing suits in the woman's change room. And shit-tarnished jeans that were returned... because, of course, you can return ANYTHING at Walmart - even if you do decide to include a little bonus brown package of your own. Where's the shame?

3. I mainly worked the switchboard - which doubled as the fitting room attendant. There was also a men's fitting room, but it was not supervised. They would have to 'ding' the service bell and I would have to run over to let them in - in between answering 10 calls per minute and tending to impatient ladies in the women's fitting room. Easy there, ladies. This ain't Nordstroms! FUN.
   Nine times out of 10, the DING was produced by someone's snotty kid, just "testing it out." Emmm - yeah. The parent would usually greet me with a shrugged smile, "Hee, hee. Sorry. You know kids!" I'd be scream-thinking, "No, I don't, as a matter of fact. I'm 18 and successfully use birth control, asshole." I actually had nightmares about that bell; I began hearing it even when I wasn't working.

4. I used to hide at the back of the store when they would do the annoyingly lame Walmart cheer before the store opened in the morning. If it was one particular Assistant Manager in charge, he'd bust my ass. He would tauntingly whisper over the PA, "Steeeeephanie. We know you're back there! We won't start without you... and you'll have to lead the cheer now." Dammit! Mutha fukka!

Gimmie a W. Gimme an A. Gimmie an L. Gimme a squiggly.
(Yes, that's right. The star somehow translated to the word "squiggly")
and... well... you get the idea.

Mama's Losin' It


  1. Jesus, and I thought I had it bad at Wal-Mart

  2. Wal squiggly Mart.

    From this point on, that's its name.

    Motherfuckin Wal


    Motherfuckin Mart.

    Man, on my last day, I would have some FUN with that PA system.

    "We're back here at the jackoff hour, this is DJ eaaaaaaaaaaaaaasy Dick..."

  3. I never really thought of walmart invading canada - they're everywhere else.... oh your poor dear! I just saw a documentary about how walmart is destroying the world. very interesting, LoL....

    I once saw a guy hawk a loogie. he snuffed it up his snotty nose and spit it out on a shelf like he was walking in a corn field...

  4. Ew. I already knew the general public was stupid, but didn't realize just how gross they were. Wal-Mart makes me afraid for the future of the human race.

    Ooohh.. but they've since re-branded. No more squiggly. LOL

    I DID put Tickle Me Elmo over the PA during my last week - that was jokes.

    I'm afraid too - very afraid.

  6. I used to work at WalMart in Hemet. I once let some random guy use the PA to sing Christmas carols. It was hilarious.

  7. Actually when it originally opened the hyphen between the Wal and martlooked like this~ which is why it was called a squiggly. Can ya tell I worked there myself once upon a time. I actually got to meet Sam Walton he was the sweetest most down to earth guy, who raked my manager over the coals for keeping me in store cleaning and preparing for his visit when I had to return at 6 the next morning. Did I mention my house was 40 miles away?? yeah Sam was NOT pleased.

  8. My son just started working there and he says it's the most slack job ever. He just stands around pretending to know something about the garden stuff, but he doesn't. And he says the managers are pervs. And the backrooms smell like sex.

    He's thanking every god in the sky that he doesn't have to sing that effin cheer cuz he works evenings.

  9. We have a Walmart not that far from us (although they are called Asda Walmart over here)....I shall hereby call is squiggly.

    There was me thinking I had it bad working in a local Spar shop for a couple of years when I was 15. Jeez.

  10. @singedwingangel
    Ohh.. I think I've seen that old logo - come to think of it - but really? They could have updated the cheer. A STAR would have been much less mortifying that convulsing like a fried bacon, saying SQUIGGLY. ugh.

    I was actually disappointed in ASDA - it wasn't as good as Walmart, or maybe it was just the ghetto one that was close to us.

    I think is SOME Walmarts, it's slack, but mine was the TOP selling Walmart in ALL of Cananda - it was like the frickin' military. It was a little crazy.

    And leading from what I just said about the military... if I had let a customer sing over the PA, I would have been fired. LOL

  11. Hahaha...I can't EVEN really, I can't!

  12. Glad I'm not the only one to work at Walmart...your post is hilarious. I feel ya on people being disgusting - I totally remember getting lingerie returned that was clearly used. Ug. Disgusting.

  13. Ugh...7 years? You should be recommended for Sainthood. The company I work for does some of their branding, now it's Walmart with a star on the end....swanky right? Now u can call it motherfuckin Walmart motherfuckin star. LOL

  14. Oh My! What I want to know is . . . did you ever turn in any customers ? As wrong as it is, I still love that site. :)
    Stopping by from Mama Kat's ...

  15. Oh my gosh...#2...ewwww! What is wrong with some people?

  16. @Annie
    OH MY GOD - I just wasted A LOT of time on that site. That's awesome - thank you!!

    I don't think they'll ever get rid of the squiggly in their cheer - I think it's an integral part of the brain washing process.

    I really don't know.

  17. I would have been late for work everyday to avoid that WalMart cheer. People are seriously nasty. I can't believe all those things you found or were returned.

  18. Oh THE WAL OF EVIL?!? Say it isn't so! I H8 Walmart. Sometimes I have this fear that I'll end up working there one day because it's the only place that does any business in my trod-on town :( Oh lord, kill me now. I did my stint in retail, and I whined about all my lame ass jobs on my blog, so please, let the wal never be added to my list.

  19. and YEAH--I totally know how rancid members of our great society can be. It makes me stabby just thinking about it...

  20. Wall Sguiggly Mart, huh?

    I love it!

  21. haha. your so funny, the bloody bathing suit and shit stained garments are too much. yuck. I work at a restaurant and every now and then we have a similar problem w/ guests popping a squat in the wrong place....we've valued the cleanup to be a crisp $20 bill. Hey buddy, wanna earn a quick $20.

  22. Yet many more reasons for me to stay far, far away from that place. Don't know how you lasted 7 years! Kudos.

  23. @April
    Well, I did have 1 year break, but I guess it's just a case of staying with what I knew - it was like auto-pilot. HA!

    The worst part was that my store was in a "posh" area - not many ghetto people - but I guess Walmart brings out the best in them. ACK!

    I've heard of that - seriously - how do people miss the toilet when taking a shit. OR not notice in mid-squat and re-adjust!! It's a fairly big hole!

  24. I give you credit for working there for 7 yrs. I can barely shop there without my palms getting sweaty and looking for a complaint form.

  25. I knew there was a reason I won't shop at Walmart! Poor young you!

  26. I REFUSE to work at wal-mart.. Find me at the corner begging for money first!!!

  27. That is some interesting stuff! I didn't realize there was a cheer. I'd like to learn every word of it and wake my children up with it each morning. This isn't Wal-Mart, but can't we dream that it is? Who wouldn't want to live inside of Wal-Mart? Such a beautiful place...

  28. @Kelley
    I do have one confession to make:
    In the event of a zombie apocalypse, I really would love to take refuge in a Walmart. Since I'm not really a drinker, being in a store full of clothing, food and housewares would be my chosen place to spend my last days.

  29. I should have mentioned that AFTER the cheer, we had to do the Macarena - with the music & the works!!!

    HOW did I leave that fucking gem out? Sorry.

  30. TMI TMI TMI!!! I hated Walmart before but now I'm stunned into silence.

  31. Yikes! Luckily when I worked at Wal Mart it wasn't like that (not sure bout cheer part never opened I worked in shoe dept) and it wasn't my 1st job. I could hardly get thru the commercial announcement things we had to do.

    Visiting from Mama Kats =)


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