May 16, 2011

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Heathers

There are many, many movies that I love.

No, scratch that.

There are many movies to which when I watch them, I want to crawl inside the screen and live there. I know that most of them aren't prepared for that level of intimacy from me, but I can't help it - it's how I feel.

My favorite movie of all time is Heathers. Yes, it's true that Ferris Bueller's Day Off runs a very close second, but Heathers will always be my bestie flick. It has some fundamental life lessons that I would like to share with you today.

1. Croquet is a blood sport.

2. Cherry slushie is a far superior flavor to Coke slushie.

3. An offer of pâté can help deal with many of life's awkward situations.

4. BBQ Corn Nuts and liquid drainer are NOT a balanced meal.

5. Shower-nozzle masturbation is good, clean fun.

6. The extreme always seems to make an impression.

7. Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.

8. Your best friend can also be your worst enemy.

9. It is neither possible nor pleasant to be fucked gently with a chainsaw.

And last, but definitely not least,

10. You can watch your psychopathic boyfriend blow himself up and not get hurt, but simultaneously stand just close enough to light your cigarette off the explosion's flames. This would be convenient if say, you have lost your lighter, or are wearing a mini skirt that doesn't necessitate the possibility of carrying such lighter.
(If you smoke and also have a suicidal, psychopathic boyfriend, please do not try this at home.)

Top Ten {Tuesday}


  1. See? I'm a fan of the mashup - the cherry coke slushie...

    And totally jealous I can't masturbate with a shower head. :(

    Or watch someone do it, for that matter (not on the internets)

    One movie I can watch ad nauseum is the Kill Bill series.

    Main thing I learned from them: If you cut off an arm, blood sprays EVERYWHERE. Like a sprinkler. Non-stop.

    Oh, and don't mess with blonde bitches. They'll tear you up.

  2. Love this movie - one of my all time fav's as well.
    Christian Slater was at his peak here.
    What ever happened to him?

  3. Wow. Haven't seen this since the 80s. It's going on my Must-Watch list. Thanks! Sarah xxx

  4. I made sure to get this movie as soon as it became available on DVD. I also had it on VHS. (I so dated myself there lol) My other fave Pump up the Volume. I really just wanted to be in the movie next to Christian Slater.

  5. *does a little celebratory dance and high fives Lady E*

    You already know how much I adore this movie - thanks for the headsup about the post on Twitter...I've been somewhat rubbish in keeping up with blogs lately and I'm on a major blog catch up this morning actually.

    True fact - I actually discovered from this film you can tip cows! :)

  6. No Heather, it's Heather's turn!

  7. @SAHMlovingit
    "Shit, you KNOW I've got something going with JD."
    "Pllleeease Veronica? I'll be your best friend?!"

    Ahhh, alcohol + cow tipping = a great double date. LOL

    He was just in a series - but it got cancelled after the first season. I'll have to check it out if it makes it on to Netflix or something like that.

    Can we still be friends if I tell you I liked Vol.2 better? I LOVE Vol. 2 so, so much :)
    And coming from a natural blonde that I am, it's true - don't fuck with us, we'll mess your shit up. x

  8. Heathers - yes we are rather smart and informative ;)

  9. The moral of the story? Don't spread rumors that you were involved in a 'swordfight' in some poor girl's mouth, or your Dad might end up declaring "I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON!"

    Just watch it, fellas.

  10. I liked this movie too, but have not seen it much, surprisingly. I'm not sure why! I guess I got too wrapped up in the whole John Hughes thing.

  11. @Misfit Mommy
    I just fell in love with you.

    Yes, it's just a whole lot darker than John Hughes... it's like John Hughes's nightmare. LOL

  12. "What's your damage Heather."

    Ha! Love it.

  13. Dude. Best post ever about surely the best movie ever. I am about to copy this link to my best friends. You rock.

  14. This was so fetch. And yes, I'm making "fetch" happen.

  15. I loved this movie too, gosh I haven't seen it in years!
    @LostinIdaho, I'm with you - Kill Bill 1&2 I could watch forever and ever - those movies are awesome. I drive my hubby crazy when I watch them - they're my go to movies when I'm sick.

    I still have a soft spot for John Hughes movies, those are my jam.

  16. total fetch.

    dont drink the blue Kool Aid.

  17. Gah.
    I need to do some discount movie bin diving.

  18. I like mixing the cherry with the Coke, or better yet the cherry with the blue flavor, whatever the hell it is.

    I love Heathers when I was 16, but I watched it again last year with my boyfriend who had never seen it and we both agreed it was a really dumb movie. Regardless, Teenage Suicide Don't Do It.

  19. How is it that I have never seen this movie??

    Few things in life are as good as a cherry slushie... hands down.

  20. How have I never seen your blog before? And are there people who have never seen this movie but have seen your blog? Crazy crap, that is. I could watch that movie again now despite the fact that I remember every line and realize that its lessons may not be 100% relevant in my life.

  21. I'm so out of the loop. I have never seen Heathers.
    I must see it.
    Must. See. Heathers.

    For those of you that have never seen this movie - please note that it was cool for the 80s - it's not that good to today's standards. The dialog is priceless, however. It spits on the face of all teen movies that think they're 'serious'.
    Maybe close your eyes and watch it. LOL

  23. your page looks different. stop confusing me!
    i get mad whenever i see christian slater's commercials for his new show, because he is not the christian slater from heathers.

  24. @NotBlessedMama
    Na, this is the last time, I swear! LOL

    Don't worry - you won't have to see him for much longer - it got cancelled ;(

  25. These really are rules to live by! Who drinks Coke slushies anyway? Ewwww!

  26. Following from the Tuesday Twitter Hop! Great Blog!

    Please stop on by and follow me at and say hello :)

  27. I do love that movie too. As for the showerhead trick, i can give you one better. I have a special place in my heart for one of the jets in our hot tub. lol

  28. Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? This movie is cool by any standards.

  29. Shower-nozzle masturbation? I'm intrigued.
    I must venture hither (or is that sally forth?) to "Blockbuster."

  30. haha on #5 & #9!
    I love 8. Your best friend can also be your worst enemy.
    So true! :) Great list!

  31. Yes, totally loved that movie. Was just telling my 15 year old about it the other day. I don't however remember the shower nozzle masturbation part...bummer.

  32. How have I not seen this one?!

  33. Christian Slater is coming back in yet another TV show, so good luck w/that to him. ;)

    I miss this movie. It's been ages since I have seen it!

    Ferris tops it for me, though, as it's one I can quote - and that means a lot in my book!

  34. @Andrea
    I don't advise people to be in the same room when I'm watching Ferris, Heathers or any Kevin Smith movie.
    I'm just down right annoying and I don't care.

    Sadly, it was just one of her insults, no graphic shower sex scene or anything. LOL

  35. One of the best movies ever. I can still recite it almost word for word (God, I must be a looser). My hubby (who still owns a black trench coat) and I watched it last month and it still rocks. I was about to recommend it to my nephews to get the next generation started on its fabulousness, but then nephew 1 was sent to rehab for suicidal tendencies and they suggested it may not be the best choice for his viewing pleasure. Damn.

    Oh, and I heard rumors last year that someone was turning it into a musical. What rhymes with chainsaw?


  36. OK I've never seen it, when you first mentioned it I thought it was like a high school comedy kind of like Mean Girls but then I remembered where I was, now you mention psycho and chainsaw and oooh slushie so yeah I'm on the rental train baby catch you later oxox

  37. It was a damn good movie. Haven't seen it in years...I should rectify that.
    Here with the Rewind...

  38. God I loved that movie! Thanks for the laugh and for joining the Weekend Rewind x

  39. Lick it up, Baby. Lick.It.Up. Love that g-d movie.

    From the rewind.

  40. I loved Heathers. I had a mad crush on Christian Slater. All about the voice.

  41. I love Heathers. It does not need a disclaimer. Ever. I think it was so good because most of the actors in it are legitimately crazy in their real lives. Ellen

  42. I was so psyched that I had the same nickname as Christian Slater's character. Made me feel cool in high school. You know, besides the fact that he was insane. Details, details.

    God, I love that movie. My friends and I even dressed like Heathers in early high school. We were awesome. Totally.


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.