Welcome, welcome! Who's that knocking at my door? Well, it's one of my blogging besties SAHMlovingit popping in for a visit. I just absolutely LOVE when I tell one of my embarrassing and raunchy tales and someone emails me saying, "Oh My God, you reminded me of something that happened to me!" That's what I strive for - reminding people of all those misadventures we'd all wished we would rather forget - but then where would be the fun in that? I say dredge up those memories like rotting garbage from the bottom of a stagnant pond. So what if it's sloppy and it stinks... I will gladly come to take away that festering heap with my virtual forklift. SAHMlovingit? I hand my forklift over to you - scoop it up, baby! Scoop-It-Up!
I’d been out on a couple of dates with this guy who was a fair few years older than me. I was 17 or 18 I think. He was a bit of a
We’d been to the pub where we’d both consumed quite a large amount of cider. Him more so than me and, as usual, I found myself propping him up most of the way home. It was late and all the lights were off in his parents house as we stumbled around in the dark living room. His parents weren’t that well off and I clearly remember the room smelling of piss, electric fire and dust; hardly the most romantic setting.
We started making out and even the over-riding smell of beer didn’t put me off. It made me feel a little icky but hey, I’d take that any day.
He quickly indicated that he wanted to try a 69 position. I do have to say, although it can have its moments, it wasn’t my favourite move at the time and it certainly isn’t now. I was on top – much easier.
I began to chow down on his hard cock. I was finding the moment all too strange. Normally I’d be turned on by the fact we may get caught at any moment but I didn’t quite fancy the idea of being battered to death with a rolling pin by his mother in a flannelette nightgown and a hair net! I had my eyes shut just hoping we could get this over with. He’d turned the living rooms lights on by this time too. I felt so vulnerable.
But the worst was yet to come.
A bad odour filled my nostrils.
It smelt like shit.
He didn’t have any pets and we’d left our shoes in the hallway so neither of us had stood in anything.
I panicked. Seriously, WTF?
I didn’t want to open my eyes but I knew I had to.
I opened them to see his boxer shorts right in front of me, still around the bottom of his legs only a foot or so away from my head.
There, staring right at me was the biggest skid mark I’ve ever seen in my life.
Needless to say, he was history and I still gag when I re-tell this story.
Just... yeah.... wow.
How do you comment on this?
On behalf of my gender, I'm sorry...
EW!! OMG!! and I'm laughing!! hahaha!!!ReplyDelete
I. Am. Speechless. I also kind of threw up in my mouth a little.ReplyDelete
Oh blimey....my shame is out there! There's no turning back now.ReplyDelete
Laughing my ass off at the introduction Lady E xx
Oh My Effin Gawd, whoever that guy really needed to learn to control his bowel movement, man. That was just nasty. If I were you, I'd have kicked his balls black and blue.ReplyDelete
LOL OMG. NICE! I am curious how you ended things. Did you address the skids? Or, did you pretend not to see them and left disgusted (never speaking to him again)? - MikkiReplyDelete
Thanks for your comments. It's such a gross story but I'm glad I shared it with you guys.ReplyDelete
@Mikki - I stopped what I was doing...how could I continue with THAT there?...and I said I wasn't feeling great, I got a taxi home and I rang him the next day to say it was over (those were days before mobile/cell phones otherwise it would have been a text!)
OH MY GOD....... as if the smells in the room itself weren't bad enough........ReplyDelete
Brave you retelling that story
roflmbo.. umm yeah.. just speechless seriously..ReplyDelete
Oh no way!!ReplyDelete
What is it with poo!
A girlfriend of mine had a one night stand. The next day she woke up and had to go number two.
He had gone to work and the last thing he told her was that his toilet was broken.
In her hung over state she forgot. Until she flushed...and it didn't go anywhere.
Panicking she went to find a plastic bag so that she could fish it out. She did, and as she was getting ready to leave she placed the bag on the kitchen table so she wouldn't forget it.
She left in a rush, and forgot all about her smelly little package.
It was a hot day - and the sun streamed into that kitchen window hitting that very plastic bag.
Needless to say, he didn't call her for another date.
i have to say...nothing over here should never shock me and yet, hmmmm...pretty nastyReplyDelete
OH MY GAWD!
That is a gem - a totally disgusting and horrifying gem! Hahaha! Thanks for that.
Just when I thought I've heard everything... I wonder if he knew why you never saw him again, or is operating under the illusion that you're just a bitch? I hope you cleared that up for him! Yuck!ReplyDelete
Oh man that is nasty! You poor thing. You do make me laugh girlie. What the eff is wrong with people though really? Cleanliness isn't that hard!!ReplyDelete
OMG. And blech. And HAHAHAHAHAHA! You're one brave brave lady SAHMlovingit, for sharing.ReplyDelete
ahh the Caca comes out! It was a hot night and obviously needed to be scratched!ReplyDelete
Duuuude. Whaaaat the FUCK?!ReplyDelete
OMG!!!! How's that for some shit?! Horrible story..God bless your heart!! That's traumatic!ReplyDelete
You DID say you thought he was a rebel, didn't you? Why wouldn't that include a rebellion against toilet paper? What could be more anti-establishment than refusing to wipe your ass?ReplyDelete
Makes me look at James Dean in a whole new light.
OH MY GOD. I'd have died and then marched my ass outta there. Because if the dude can't wipe his own ass properly he sure as shit won't be rewarded for it. UGH. (And yet I'm dying laughing in a cringy way thinking about it. LOL.)ReplyDelete
Nas-ty! You're going to channel that moment with every future whiff of shit you get for the rest of your life.ReplyDelete
Oh that's some story. I hope I never have that experience. What's with men/guys not knowing how to wipe their ass? I don't get it. Seriously, I understand that sometimes it can happen, but seriously, you'd think he'd have enough sense to check that sort of thing out before the making out session. gawd...ReplyDelete
Well, is it any wonder it's not your favorite position? Yikes.ReplyDelete
Thanks for all the comments - I'm glad the post went down well (check me out with the pun!).ReplyDelete
Thanks Lady E for posting this (I think haha!)
Oh and Handflapper - I'm actually LOL'ing at the Jimmy Dean reference :D
This is a gag worthy story, but hilarious none the less.ReplyDelete
But I'm stopping by to tell you I've awarded you with the Versatile Blogger Award, so I hope you can stop by and pick it up! I love your blog!
Oh fuck no!! Oh holy shit no pun intended I would have thrown up all over the place and run screaming my fucken head off.ReplyDelete
LOL! That must have been something. Yuck!ReplyDelete
Golly, I just don't know what to say. Let me chew on that awhile. Oh, my, now THERE'S an unfortunate choice of words.ReplyDelete
Aw, he sounded like a KEEPERReplyDelete
Haha - thanks for your comments and thank you Lady E for bearing my shame for me ;) xxReplyDelete
I just gagged FOR REAL. My worst NIGHTMARE!!!!!ReplyDelete
aaaaaggghhh! Oh man that's harsh. I'm surprised you didn't go lesbian after that experience. lolReplyDelete