Mar 10, 2011

Waiting For The End (My Un-Apology)

Dear Jim,

I already had a post lined up to be my final piece/peace to you but here's the thing...

This morning makes it two days since you responded to my post the way you did, and I was feeling like I'd been gutted. My stomach hasn't stopped wrenching; my head throbs and my heart aches.

You say that nothing is sacred? Everything is sacred; every single fucking moment. If it wasn't, it would not have been worth writing about. Every post I've written about you is sacred to me; they are extensions of myself. I won't apologize for being honest and expressing myself; and I will never apologize for what you have meant to me for all these years. Never.

I was driving alone today and this song came on; I had never heard it before and it caught my full attention. I had to pull over to the side of the road while I listened to the rest of it. When the song finished, I let out a fantastically loud and angry scream, thinking...
      if I screamed loud enough,
                 you could telepathically feel my sound waves
                                                                   on the other side of the world.

The scream then transitioned into an hysterical sob.
After about 5 minutes, I felt inexplicably better and I drove home.

I whole-heartedly believe that things happen for a reason, and I know that I was meant to hear this song at that particular moment. It helped me to heal a little bit, even if only for a moment. How could it not?

"Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go... 

I know what it takes to move on, 
I know how it feels to lie, 
All I wanna do 
Is trade this life for something new 
Holding on to what I haven't got 

Sitting in an empty room 
Trying to forget the past 
This was never meant to last, 
I wish it wasn't so..."

16 comments:

  1. wow! I am sending you a hug! I know exactly that gut ripping feeling....why does there have to be that ONE guy who just can't keep the memory pleasant??...they gotta stir and churn and ruin something that could have been beautiful. especially on your space...this is your venting place!

    oh girl, i feel for you!! how you are dealing with what some can interpret as a slap or an invasion...is amazing!! because you lay open your soul for us...and it's almost like he trampled it.

    like you said earlier, it's not like you are broadcasting your identity. nobody knows you. why the need for him to comment then? unless something was not resolved for him? i dunno, maybe I'm thinking out of my ass here.....or maybe I still have unresolved feelings with my own ex's???

    in any case, you are so strong for posting this! you inspire me! I *heart* Lady Estrogen!!!!

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  2. He's probably going to bitch about this one, too.

    Ass.

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  3. wow, things got spicy in the comment section of that last jim post! aren't you extra glad now that nothing happened in that music room?
    as hard as it is to say goodbye to such loves, it's so much healthier not to even see or speak to them again. makes it too hard to be happy with your current life every time there's contact. for me, anyway.

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  4. People can be so horrid... Sorry you're having to deal with this - especially since you wasted "years" on someone who obviously didn't value you as you deserve to be. *hugs*

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  5. I don't know Jim...but I know you and I think you could beat the shit out of him. And more importantly, I fucking love you...so there you are!!!!

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  6. Just recently found your blog, you rockin' beauty.
    Sorry you're hurting. =(

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  7. You need to listen to 99 problems by Jay-z...just think men. Love you E...seriously Love you

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  8. Good for you. There is absolutely nothing for you to apologize for - much less for an emotion that you're able to convey through writing.

    It's amazing the healing powers a song can have. I've always loved that song.

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  9. I don't know the history of this relationship, but I do know you deserve better. Sending heart-healing hugs your way.

    Karen
    lilmuna.blogspot.com

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  10. Stay strong girl, you have nothing to apologize for.

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  11. I am so sorry and so glad that you believe in love.
    Sorry it was so upsetting.
    Thank you for saying hi :)
    Big hugs.

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  12. @Poetic Justice
    The irony with your name (I can't help but notice)
    is that Jim & I were watching Poetic Justice when we first kissed all those years ago. HAHAHA. Weird.

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  13. I loved this post! Never apologize for ANYTHING THAT YOU BLOG!!! This is your world and your rules! Fuck anyone who doesn't understand or agree with it!

    If he even DARES to talk shit about this post...I will do some unthinkable ridiculous shit!

    Love ya Lady!!

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  14. Now the song is making me cry.

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  15. hey girl, I couldn't find the post in which this dude gave you a hard time. I think it's rather cowardly for someone you've obviously had a signifiant relationship with come after you in your comments instead of one on one.
    Listen, you are a strong chick who is not to be f'd with. Good that you let him know it!

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  16. well fuck. Keep you head up and eyes forward. It will get better xx

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