Waiting For The End (My Un-Apology)

Dear Jim,

I already had a post lined up to be my final piece/peace to you but here's the thing...

This morning makes it two days since you responded to my post the way you did, and I was feeling like I'd been gutted. My stomach hasn't stopped wrenching; my head throbs and my heart aches.

You say that nothing is sacred? Everything is sacred; every single fucking moment. If it wasn't, it would not have been worth writing about. Every post I've written about you is sacred to me; they are extensions of myself. I won't apologize for being honest and expressing myself; and I will never apologize for what you have meant to me for all these years. Never.

I was driving alone today and this song came on; I had never heard it before and it caught my full attention. I had to pull over to the side of the road while I listened to the rest of it. When the song finished, I let out a fantastically loud and angry scream, thinking...
      if I screamed loud enough,
                 you could telepathically feel my sound waves
                                                                   on the other side of the world.

The scream then transitioned into an hysterical sob.
After about 5 minutes, I felt inexplicably better and I drove home.

I whole-heartedly believe that things happen for a reason, and I know that I was meant to hear this song at that particular moment. It helped me to heal a little bit, even if only for a moment. How could it not?

"Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go... 

I know what it takes to move on, 

I know how it feels to lie, 

All I wanna do 

Is trade this life for something new 

Holding on to what I haven't got 

Sitting in an empty room 

Trying to forget the past 

This was never meant to last, 

I wish it wasn't so..."