Jul 16, 2012

Tat's what I'm talkin' about

As I walked by a late-teen-year-old girl at the movies last night that had the Elvish script from the Lord of the Rings tattooed around her neck, I thought to myself, "Wow, I don't think in over 300 posts I have discussed my thoughts on tattoos!" Well alright then, here it goes...
I lied, actually, that was the third thought that went through my head when I saw that girl. The first one was that her mother probably cried when she came home from the tattoo parlor. The second was, "Oh my god, she's going to regret that in a couple years. Think of her wedding photos... ugh!" I'm not saying that all tats look like shit in a wedding dress... because some look amazing, but a phrase written in a pretend language from a movie across your neck? Umm... no.

And I'm fairly certain it's not my advanced age talking either. I got my first tattoo at 16 (which I got with a forged photocopy of my passport. Ahem), but even then I knew that I wanted to get it in a place that could be hidden for important events, like interviews and *coughs* ...church. But it's true, and you know what? IT LOOKS LIKE MANGLED ROAD KILL NOW, so thank fuck no one except a select few can see it!

I wish my fairy godmother could have popped in for a visit to tell me, "Hell no! Don't do it - in the future you will have 14 pounds of twins which will fuck up your entire stomach."

But alas, she never came.

Look. That's cool if you're in a position where visible tattoos are not an issue, but at 16 or even 20, how many people can possibly know that? Unless you're already a millionaire rock star, not many. And that is the problem! Every teen wants to look like rock star and they aren't thinking about reality. AT ALL. You can get on the defensive all you want and say shit like, "If they won't hire me because of my tattoos, they fuck'em!" but that scrappy attitude ain't going to pay the bills or put food in your future children's mouths.

Ashley, a Reality TV blogger put it like this... young people seem to take the idea of getting a ginormous tattoo all over their body very lightly these days and that a lot of times, people don’t think about what those tattoos will look like when they get old. (Old as in 65, not 30!).

When I was 16, which was almost 20 years ago (holy fuck, yo!) tats were obviously still a "cool" thing to get but it was usually in the form of a little heart on your ass, or a butterfly on your ankle, etc, etc. They were TINY things. Even the design I got on my back when I was 19 (which was NOT called a tramp stamp back then ;) is only 4 inches in diameter but was considered a "big tattoo" at the time.

Now that I'm in my mid-thirties, I don't want to get my tats removed per se, but I do want them fixed, and I am still planning on getting at least one more that is quite a fair bit larger. But I have my career and I've had my kids, and I know what I want and why I want it - which are very sentimental reasons, none of which being: "Like, 'cause they're, like, super cute and I love their band? (insert gum smacks)".

I guess the bottom line is that I think the legal age for getting a tattoo without parental consent should be 25... (as it should be for marriage and joining the army too, in my opinion), so to prevent train wrecks like this:

Source: TheCount.com

Or this:

Source: HollywoodLife.com

Or maybe even this:

Source: Starcasm.net

Let's completely ignore the veiny heart or the cupcakes-as-letters that spell "Booko(?)", or the cursive text that does not adhere to the lined paper whatsofuckingever, and go up to "bullet proof" on her shoulder which I read as BUFFET PROOF.


I wish I was buffet proof too.


  1. I could rant, and rant, and rant and rant some more about tattoos. My son has tattoos, and I am not one whit happy about it. I slathered baby lotion and sunblock and antibiotic cream on his booboos and calamine on his chicken poz to keep his precious, gorgeous skin unmarred for him to go mark it all up like that? At least he does have sense to know that tattoos can affect his employment opportunities. He hasn't and says he won't get anything that can't be covered by short sleeves. I don't get it.

  2. i got a Disney tattoo when I was 18. Then another, slightly larger daisy a few months later.

    I'm 37 and wish I had neither.

    But I would totally sleep with Adam Levine.


  3. @Bridget

    Of course! I love Gerard Butler and would totally sleep with him, but I'm not going to get a tattoo of his face on my shoulder blade. lol


    I am scared for the future with my two boys for so many reasons - this is now one of them.

  4. The one with the heart is cute and everything but I wonder how that's gonna look if they ever break up. lol.

  5. I thank God I didn't get mine til I was older, I'm still happy with all of them (at the rip old age of 36)

    I do however feel the need to bash my stepdaughters skull in, cuz she is SO gonna regret that shit

  6. Did you know I have a tattoo?

    Wanna see?


  7. Great thoughts on tats. Just yesterday my neighbor showed me the tat he got with his daughter (19). She's been having a rough time, and it was a bonding thing. Smiley face with "keep fighting" in nice script. Not bad.

    I almost got one about 15 years ago, but then I didn't. I don't regret NOT getting it, but I think I would have been happy to do it too. As it stands now, I think I'll wait until my kids need a bonding moment with mom. When they are getting close to 30. Maybe.

  8. @Brandon

    You're a silly man; good thing I love ya. x

    PS. Everyone click that link at your own risk ;p

  9. BWHAHHAHAHAH the last one cracked me up. I am not even gonna comment on the heart one, can we say moron?? My gf was born on the cusp of the ram and something else so she got a bull with a woman riding it on her boob, like the top. When she gained weight so did her boobs and it looked nothing like it started out. She is losing weight now and it is more of a semblance of it's former self but still....

  10. Amen, sister! I got a similar first tat (at 18) near my cooter pie. Now, that tat-that-can't-be-seen looks like a bloody hairball. And, as a bonus, it has my husband's name on it. My EX-husband. *face palm* But, I'm planning on getting another one soon. On my foot. I'm guessing my foot won't gain as much weight as the rest of me when I eat all the Nutella and marshmallow fluff sandwiches on Earth. And, believe me, that's my life's goal. That, and shopping at all of the dollar stores in North America. Mama loves her some dollar store. Oh, yeah.

  11. @Jenbugblogs

    I'm sorry to tell you, however a fabulous goal it may be, but feet get fat, babe. Oh yes... feet get fat :(

  12. OMG. Have these people not seen the SNL skit? Do they not realize that getting a tat with ink that small, etc will shrivel (or worse- spread) where one would rather it not? I have one. It was a dare to myself on my 21st birthday because I am afraid of needles. But I had the foresight to make it small and silly- unoriginal and hidden. Also- yes I fainted in the 20 minutes it took to draw it. Three times.

  13. Hey now, you promised me that you weren't going to go all buffet proof on me!! :P

  14. So I guess getting the Tweety bird tattoo on my lower back is NOT a good idea then. But he's so cute!

  15. I'm happy with my tattoo, and will likely get a couple more, but I got it a couple summers ago in my 40s. Pretty sure I can keep my forearm tat from looking sloppy and never wear short sleeves to an office job anyway. I think getting tattoos when older is usually a good bet, based on regrets I've seen. At my point in life, I know what I'm doing and why, and I'm already probably at the top of the hill of life and winding down the last 3 or 4 decades anyway...

  16. Yes! In our 30s and above, it's all good. Have fun getting going under the needle ;)

  17. The population I work with has numerous tattoos, all over their bodies. Face, neck, hands, arms, etc. and they have extreme difficulty with job searches, maintaining employment, and being taken seriously.

  18. I know some sisters who got matching tattoos. "Sexxxy and Foxxxy"

  19. Oh. My. god. Right on gurl-just found your blog-right up my alley-my 16 year old DD went and got one on her NECK--it's my birthday and dad's birthday in Roman numeral on her neck. except she got dad's birthday wrong. Laughed our asses off-I want one-teeny one on my ass, just to piss of my ex military officer husband. I feel a post coming on-gotta go! Love it!

  20. I thank the tattoo gods every day that I was a model when I was finally old enough to get a tattoo and I couldn't risk missing out on jobs. When I was 18 I lived in Oakland, CA and it was the mid-nineties. My dumb ass would have gotten some stupid shit like "Thug Life" tattooed on my knuckles. You know, cuz I was so gangster. I had a friend that got "Sweet thang" (NOT Sweet THING) tattooed on her shoulder when she was 16. Skip ahead 20 years to the church picnic. Not as cool. My 1st tattoo happened when I was 33 yrs old. It is a pink Breast Cancer ribbon on my foot as a tribute to my mom and aunts who have all endured this disease. This is much cooler than "Thug life" for sure.

  21. LMFAOOOO! I swear, I think some people were born to cousins. It's the only thing that makes sense...right?!

    PS. I've missed the shit outta you!


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