I've Made Up My Mind

Jul 26, 2012

I have been slowly coming to the realization that I need to make some serious preventative measures in my life, particularly when it comes to my health, for a long time. A couple years ago, I discussed the basic root of my body and self esteem issues that I've had pretty much my entire life. Factoring in getting older, having a sedentary career and having twins all being thrown into the mix, it's just getting worse.

And I'm getting tired.

People will nonchalantly talk to me about lifestyle and exercise and eating certain foods and drinking more water and using more will power like it's an easy fix, but I can pretty much guarantee they haven't been hungry all their lives. So, to them? Thanks for caring, but please shut the fuck up. Until you've experienced the gnawing pangs of hunger only 1/2 an hour after you've JUST had a full meal... for your entire life... you don't know what this is like.

And I've seen my future if I don't do anything about it. My grandfather lived to be 83 but he was over 400lbs when he died. I cannot have that for myself; I refuse to accept that fate.

I often usual the visualization of myself leaning up against a giant dam that is holding back HUNGER. It's a fucking huge dam and I'm sweating, aching and exhausted trying to hold it up. And it's cracking everywhere. Bits of Hunger are leaking through. Diets and band-aids aren't working anymore. I keep pushing it back as hard as I can but it's just too big and angry. The Hunger is so fucking pissed off and it screams constantly.

Every moment of every day, it taunts me.

One of the reasons I started this blog, which is also the same reason why I'm slowly gathering certain stories for my elusive book, is that I wanted to show young girls that aren't a size zero that life can still be an amazing adventure and that they can be big and beautiful and rock it!

And it is so damn true; I wish more women knew it.

I don't feel like by making this decision I am becoming a hypocrite. Why? Because this was me 15 years ago...


I was sexy and confident and also happened to be 200lbs, and THAT'S OK! The thing is, is that I am a lot more today, but I want to be her again. I want to be her for myself and for my children. (I'd say my husband too but the last time I lost 80lbs he didn't even notice. Uh huh.) I need to do it NOW before I wake up and find myself at 45 being 400lbs. So, she's inside me... somewhere; I just need to find her.

I just don't want to be hungry anymore.

I want to have half a sandwich and feel full and satisfied. Even the thought of that makes me giddy. I know it's not going to be easy and that I will have to make some massive changes in my lifestyle. But just dieting and exercise doesn't calm the screaming in my stomach - in fact, it makes it so much worse. I'm going to need help to achieve my goal, once and for all. I feel so much better just by discussing it with my family and finally making a decision.

I've made up my mind; I'm having weight loss surgery. 


Mama's Losin' It

39 comments:

  1. Karen said...:

    You are a brave soul. Just the thought of that scares the bejeezus out of me. I know there's a thinner version of me inside, but I shut her up with cookies and keep going. I know that losing my weight would help my health, but I'm like you..hungry an hour after a meal. It's ridiculous. I've gotta do something though...

  1. Fox in the City said...:

    I know someone whose life has been transformed, and totally for the better, with this surgery so if you feel it is right for you then more power to you.

    Just so you know, I think that you are totally amazing but I get the want/need to feel good, confident and to be healthy.
    Jenn

  1. Stick to your guns. Nobody knows you better than you do.

    As for me, I had the same issue with constantly wanting to eat all the time. I doubled my protein intake (doing about 200g/day now) and also my fiber intake. Naked Juice's blue machine is a godsend.

    You go girl! x

  1. Rebecca said...:

    A very good friend of mine had lap band surgery about 18 months ago. She's fairly drastically changed her lifestyle and mindset (definitely for the better) and has lost close to a hundred pounds.

    At first, I was completely against it but after having several conversations with her and hearing her attitude and reasons for it, I completely support her. I think she made a very informed and intelligent decision and didn't delude herself one bit.

    Seeing her through this makes me think that a person's mindset is FAR more important than the surgery and food.

    My friend worked really fucking HARD to get where she is even though she had surgery. Her hard work and attitude is what made her successful.

    I wish you the same success. : )

  1. Kellie said...:

    I just want to tell you that knowing you....and I do feel like I know you. You bare so much of yourself in your blog and even your twitter feed, that I feel confident in saying this.....knowing you, you have really thought about this. You've researched this. You have weighed (pun intended) the pros/cons and did not come to this decision lightly. I believe this means that you will find great success with the surgery. I don't think that surgery is the way to go for many people because they have no intention of changing their lives. The go through this and then just gain it back or worse put themselves in actual danger because they don't follow the rules. But you? Your OCD will come in handy. You will follow the rules, you will read the literature they give you and you will follow through with what you have to do. You will find success.

    And...I can't wait to hear all about it.

  1. Fritter said...:

    My mother in law had the stomach stapling surgery back in the 80s or 90s when it was still being tested. Well, she looks incredible and I can't believe she used to weigh so much. I say go for it! You do it for you!

  1. Jennifer Gills said...:

    If you think the surgery is right for you than go for it! I noticed another commenter mentioned a vegan diet...I'm a vegan and I can say that works too. Good luck!

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    Thanks everyone for your feedback!!

    And sorry, but being a vegan is absolutely off the table for me :/

  1. Wow! Good for you for making a big decision like that! Wishing you well.

  1. I hear vegans won't swallow...

  1. the Tsaritsa said...:

    I completely support your quest in self-confidence and happiness :)

  1. DogsOnDrugs.com said...:

    Good for you.

    And if vegans ask you to make concessions in your diet, you should be able to ask them to make concessions too, such as declaring steak a plant.

  1. Kyla said...:

    Really. You are? Looking forward to following your journey.

  1. Xmasdolly said...:

    Well as you can see I've made the first step of my journey just by discussing it with my GP... well first I spoke with this girl she was over 300 lbs. and she showed me her pic and she lost 160 lbs in less than a year (2 more months it will be a yr) & she's so happy, but now of course she'll have to go in and get the skin removed. By the way she is 36 yrs. I am doing it for my health. I have Spinal Stenosis & a slew of other crap that's wrong (it would take all day) & that's all I hear. Dr.'s broken record lose the weight. I had back surgery that went wrong. I've lost 32 lbs. by dieting but no exercise. I was doing some water aerobics but that stopped when my shots stopped working (steroids+). Okay, I raised my white flag & looked into this on the internet first & then discussed it with the doc & now he's discussing it with my insurance company. Medically speaking if I need it they will pay, but if it's just for cosmetically you pay. So keep in touch & I will too if you like & maybe we can do this thing together. I'm in Illinois. Where are you at?

  1. Lucy Ball said...:

    Wow. You are so beautiful with every word you speak. It never occurred to me that you might be unhappy with your body. You OOZE beauty. That said, I believe women should choose to have surgery...not men. I, myself had a "boobie-bonus". I chose. Not my husband. I wanted to be a certain bit different. It was for me. Although, thinking back I believe he might have been on board full-force. My convoluted point? IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY, YOU SHOULD. If it's for someone else, then maybe think it over. I do know that I needed a push over the hump. Weight Watchers worked for now. But I can't say I wouldn't be completely open to other options. This WOMEN SHIT is a LOT OF WORK!

    I THINK YOU ARE GORGEOUS! AND WE'VE NEVER MET. I support you 100%.

  1. jillsmo said...:

    DUDE!! I'm not kidding when I say I'm right there with you. I've already gone to the orientation but our insurance doesn't cover it. But now my hubs' company is being bought and their insurance will change and I WILL go have it done.

    Contact me directly. Let's talk. Let's get through this together....

  1. Lisa said...:

    I have had it--been 11 years. Contact me and I'll give you the run-down of my experience.

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    I have a new email if anyone wants to chat! i.am@ladye.me

    Thanks again, everyone!! x

  1. Jess said...:

    You're a brave lady, and I totally feel your pain on the weight thing. I'll be THRILLED to get back down 185-200lbs (I'm 6' tall, and had a doc tell me once I should be 155. Screwed me up for a long time). I'm still trying desperately to do it the nutrition/exercise way, becuase honestly I'm terrified of surgery. Good luck on this journey!! I hope everything works perfectly for you. :)

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    After c-section for twins and a gallbladder removed, I laugh in the face of surgery now. hehe.

    And I hear you - I once had some idiot intern doctor (without even looking at me, just face buried in a chart) tell me that I should be 120lbs when I was 14. I was on an All-star basketball team with not one single ounce of fat on me and I weighed 180. He told me I was "morbidly obese".

    I told him to go fuck himself.

  1. Well.

    I want you to own the beauty that I see every time I read your words.

    If this is what is required for you to find the you I can see so clearly?

    Then go and do.

    Love.

    Me

  1. Carrie Rambles said...:

    Good luck with the surgery

    I'm so sick of being hungry, all the time. I hate people who say blah blah blah and it will drop off. It isn't that easy for some people.

  1. Wow that is huge. You take care of yourself and if that's what's best well good for you though you'd rock a ton more if you lost the collingwood shirt. Oh and that pic total babe, except the collingwood thing. Just saying

  1. Zombie said...:

    What the heck is with all this Vegan talk? Bleh?!

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    I don't know, but it's crazy talk! Mmm, bacon.

  1. Thank, Q said...:

    First of all, I would have totally slept with the 200 lb. you. Okay, aside from that, you have to do whatever you feel comfortable with to lose weight. I once lost 100 lbs. and found a way to gain 60 of it back. It's not easy at all. I personally choose not to try surgery since I want to be at least 60% of the athlete that I once was (which requires me exercising). However, I support anyone who wants to be healthier.

    So, do you. :)

  1. Leighannn said...:

    Do what makes you happy! You are beautiful no matter what.
    And?
    I know exactly what you're talking about.
    Every last bit

  1. T. Roger Thomas said...:

    I like the new quote at the top of your blog.

    While I wish you the best of luck with the surgery if you decide to go through with it, I would suggest thinking seriously about taking up additional exercise instead.

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    Rrrright, thanks for that.

  1. Mama Kat said...:

    Wow! What a huge step!! I can't wait to watch this journey unfold for you.

  1. Jennifer A. Hall said...:

    Do whatcha gotta do! Like Mama Kat said, I look forward to reading about your journey.

  1. Laura@Catharsis said...:

    Now THAT'S a big decision. Good for you. I have not been particularly overweight my whole life, but I have struggled with a negative perception of and relationship with food. If I'm not starving myself, I'm eating everything in sight to the point where I'm sick...like, really sick. It's unhealthy. I've recently hired a personal trainer to kick my butt into gear, and though it's only been a couple weeks, I feel better. My desire to down an entire bucket of cookie dough hasn't lessened, though, and I'm worried nothing will make it go away.

  1. Wow...I totally wasn't expecting that last sentence.
    You gotta do what's right for you, and if that's what it is then you go ROCK THAT SURGERY BABY!

  1. Okay my dear. I feel your pain! I have been happily 175lbs for many many years and I made it look gooooood! But after 7 months bed rest and a car accident directly after that I felt the need to take my body back. I wanted energy and health. So I started juicing. I juice for breakfast & lunch and eat whatever the hell I want for dinner. The 1st week or two is hard but after that your blood sugars naturally regulate and your body adjusts to getting everything you need in those two juices and doesn't struggle with hungry. I have more energy, more labido, and I just FEEL better. I am also now 172 lbs and dropping. And again- pizza for dinner? Have at it! Look into it. It's been an amazing lifestyle change for me. And email me if you have more questions Luvmytieren@aol.com. Good luck girl!

  1. Jenny Yang said...:

    Go ahead! My boyfriend want me lose weight to 50kg, and I think it is so diffuicult, but I must do it, for him.

  1. John said...:

    Do as your mind, live for youself

  1. Suniverse said...:

    Girl, I am here for you. ALWAYS.

    That exhaustion is too much to bear. You do what makes you, you.

    PS You're still sexy-time, you know.

  1. SherilinR said...:

    so have you had the surgery yet? i just realized i hadn't been here in a long time and wanted to check in.
    this year, i got tired of being big. i was big for 10 years, but i used to be thin and cute, so why did i have to stay big forever. in the past 7 months, i've lost 63 lbs. it seems hard to believe when i just think about that number. i didn't use any tricks or anything. just started working out at my house every day and eating really healthy all the time. it sucks, but it works.
    you can do it! good on ya to get started on a plan of action. that's the first step.

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