And I'm getting tired.
People will nonchalantly talk to me about lifestyle and exercise and eating certain foods and drinking more water and using more will power like it's an easy fix, but I can pretty much guarantee they haven't been hungry all their lives. So, to them? Thanks for caring, but please shut the fuck up. Until you've experienced the gnawing pangs of hunger only 1/2 an hour after you've JUST had a full meal... for your entire life... you don't know what this is like.
And I've seen my future if I don't do anything about it. My grandfather lived to be 83 but he was over 400lbs when he died. I cannot have that for myself; I refuse to accept that fate.
I often usual the visualization of myself leaning up against a giant dam that is holding back HUNGER. It's a fucking huge dam and I'm sweating, aching and exhausted trying to hold it up. And it's cracking everywhere. Bits of Hunger are leaking through. Diets and band-aids aren't working anymore. I keep pushing it back as hard as I can but it's just too big and angry. The Hunger is so fucking pissed off and it screams constantly.
Every moment of every day, it taunts me.
One of the reasons I started this blog, which is also the same reason why I'm slowly gathering certain stories for my elusive book, is that I wanted to show young girls that aren't a size zero that life can still be an amazing adventure and that they can be big and beautiful and rock it!
And it is so damn true; I wish more women knew it.
I don't feel like by making this decision I am becoming a hypocrite. Why? Because this was me 15 years ago...
I was sexy and confident and also happened to be 200lbs, and THAT'S OK! The thing is, is that I am a lot more today, but I want to be her again. I want to be her for myself and for my children. (I'd say my husband too but the last time I lost 80lbs he didn't even notice. Uh huh.) I need to do it NOW before I wake up and find myself at 45 being 400lbs. So, she's inside me... somewhere; I just need to find her.
I just don't want to be hungry anymore.
I want to have half a sandwich and feel full and satisfied. Even the thought of that makes me giddy. I know it's not going to be easy and that I will have to make some massive changes in my lifestyle. But just dieting and exercise doesn't calm the screaming in my stomach - in fact, it makes it so much worse. I'm going to need help to achieve my goal, once and for all. I feel so much better just by discussing it with my family and finally making a decision.
I've made up my mind; I'm having weight loss surgery.