Apr 9, 2012

Easter is a Blast'phemous

I don't feel like Christians are self-deprecating enough, so I thought I would take it upon myself to level the playing field. Here's the thing you may (or may not) need to know about me - and that's although I do not go to Church, and I "apparently" partake in many less-than-God-like activities (however, I'm a firm believer that if he didn't want us to feel that good, he wouldn't have built us this way, but I digress.) I do, in fact, believe in God and that there was such a man as Jesus. I'm not afraid of what will happen to me for saying dumb things about him - I believe he's got a wicked sense of humor... I mean, just look at the platypus.*

I have always been good at history and mythology and after one full year of going to Church, I had learned all the stories down to the letter, so when it started over again, I was like, "Whoa. What's this... RE-RUNS?!" And it really annoyed me that the priest had to use a book to read from when I could recite it. Every year after just continually re-affirmed my boredom. Dude! I've heard this one!

I should also mention the whole hypocrisy of organized religion and the disgusting and ignorant things that are carried out 'in the name of religion', but that's a whole different beast. Just watch Dogma, really - and I'll put my giant ditto quotes around the entire underlying message of that movie.

Aaaaaanyhow, after a few of my special Holy Week tweets, I received this:

Really? I have no idea how someone could POSSIBLY make that assumption...

And it's totally true. Not only did my vibrator completely break (I do have back-up but if it were equally as efficient as my main one, it wouldn't be 'just' the back-up, now would it?) BUT ALSO, we spent 3 1/2 hours in the hospital on Easter Sunday getting a staple put in my son's head. 

I know there's some ironic comparison between getting stapled and the fact that it's Easter, but I'm so fucking tired that I'm hoping that merely suggesting it is sufficient enough.  

Sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrry, Jesus.

I realize it's not easy being holey. 

I mean holy.

Amen, bitches!


* totally stole that from Kevin Smith. Whatever.


  1. You had me from the get go. I was waiting to see what blasphemy you would come up with next and now I can't wait for Christmas! Sorry about your buzzer- and the er too? Oh my. I still think it would be funny if a certain train made that comment as well.
    ---signed part of the Eastmas church-going crowd.

  2. The entire day yesterday consisted of me wishing my loved ones a happy zombie jesus day. lol. it was fun. :D

  3. He works in mysterious ways. But you already know that.
    Your tweet are hilarious and I enjoyed them.. but I know better than to respond because I don't want my house to burn down.
    Jesus is passive aggressive like that.

  4. @Zombie

    I can totally see how it would be the biggest day of the year for an enthusiast such as yourself ;)


    TOTALLY passive aggressive.

  5. The blog comment had me rollin. To think that the bible COULD Be a collection of old religious blogs? I know about 70% of the shit on the current blogosphere is complete bullshit, so that doesn't bode well for Luke, Matthew, John, Paul or Ringo, does it?

  6. This is so funny and so true. You and I look at things from the same perspective. I've always thought the same way:
    1. Then why ARE we made this way?
    2. He MUST have a wicked sense of humor.
    3. I think he (or she-I'm not ruling that out) would be awfully sick of all the mayhem occuring in his/her name. If nothing else, Pat Roberston. I really think that asshat has some 'splainin' to do.
    One of my favorite captions for a picture of the crucifixion:
    "What a way to spend Easter"
    Yep, we'll have a good chat in Hell, you and I.
    I really, really, really hope that #2 above is true.

  7. You and I should start our own church, since our beliefs are relatively the same!

  8. I went to an Easter service, I'm open minded and figure there are teachings to be learned whether or not you are religious/spiritual.

  9. I totally think God/Jesus has a sense of humor. Here's an interesting take on the topic:

  10. I want to celebrate Easter with you next year.

  11. These were so clever, Lady E! I totally believe in Jesus, go to church as well and definitely believe God has a sense of humor. Thanks for the laughs!


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