Sep 2, 2011

Cock-A-Doodle...Purple

I recently made a 'special' purchase at the sex store.

When I walked in, I wasn't quite sure where do go. It's not like I'd never been before, but this was for something new.
Something different.

I walked around for a little while. Browsing.

Finally, I found what I was looking for... in the "Fetish" section. Whoa! Never thought I'd consider myself one of those people, but okay. My visual senses were on over-drive. I was surrounded by colourful packaging (although primarily pink and black) all with naked women staring at me with their 'come fuck me' eyes. I could almost feel them breathing on my neck, but not in a sexy way. They were more like wild predators and I was the newbie prey that would soon be devoured.

There they were... all different materials, shapes, number of 'access portals', sizes and of course, price ranges. Holy crap! I might be curious for a little kinky fun but I have my financial limitations, that's for damn sure. I took photos with my phone and texted them to my "expert" friend.

(Click) This one?
No.
(Click) This one?
Probably not.
Ooooh... (Click) How about this one?
Yes. Excellent.
Awesome. Sold.

Fuck, I love technology.

I made my purchase while partaking in some small talk with the sales woman, making sure I had indeed found the right fit for my needs. I really don't think they do returns.

Time went slowly that evening.
The little black bag was calling my name, but it would be hours before I could have a little test fitting.
10pm finally rolled around. Sweet. Time to try on my fancy purchase. Yes, I said "try on". I had purchased my very first strap-on.

Giddy'up mutha fuckers! And it fit like a glove... or rather, like a cock.

Surprisingly, I didn't feel as "masculine" as I was afraid I would feel. It's always been a sensation that I have never been entirely comfortable with; about my own feminine identity and sexuality... ya know... the fact that under my stunningly giant knockers is, in fact, Guillermo Díaz. Yeah, that.

Regardless of how I did or did not feel about the addition of a giant purple cock that now hung between my legs, one thing was certain... it was bloody hysterical.

I'm in the bathroom laughing my fucking ass off, naked, jumping around and watching the silicone cock flail up and down and side to side. Strap-on gymnastics, I tell ya! I needed to share my amusement with my husband, but he was fast asleep.

FUCK IT. 
How often does this shit happen, seriously!?

I walked over to his side of the bed. He was facing inward and his back was exposed. I was trying incredibly hard not to wake him with my snorting laughter. I would have much rathered that I woke him up with what I was about to do. I crept over...

Then, I began poking him in the back with the dildo, repeatedly. 
I got a few grunts and annoyed shrugs. Of course, he had no idea what object I was actually using to poke him with. 
I start laughing louder; I'm practically in tears by this point.

He rolled over to discover what it was that I was doing, and what I was wearing.
If you can imagine the sound a human can make that is annoyed, pissed off, furious, shocked, confused, repulsed and drowsy all at the same time, it kinda sounded like this:

And for the record, Jill's interpretation of my face is practically uncanny, since I had taken off my make-up by this point. 
Aren't I fucking beautiful when I'm laughing THAT hard? I think the ribbed purple strap-on is nothing but icing, really.

So, needless to say, he wasn't amused. At. Fucking. All.
But it sure as hell made my whole damn week.

Besides, I didn't buy it for him anyway... 
SO THERE!


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A HUGE thank you to Jill from Yeah.Good Times. for graciously offering up her fine artistic skills
to help me illustrate this story. It just wouldn't have been the same without them. Love ya :)
I'm sure everyone knows her by now, but if not, WHY? Go... right now!

45 comments:

  1. OMFG LOOOOVE it!!!!! The image of you poking him with the giant purple dildo will have me laughing for days. I think my husband would have killed me. I'm glad you're still alive!

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  2. Chick (with no boobs, I might add) with a purple wang and a LOL face??

    I am SOOOO tempted to use that as my FB profile picture. Just, you know, because.

    Lady E has a dingdong! Look out world!

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  3. oh, and by the way, we men do that all the time...

    the jumping up and down part, watching our dick flail about... try running with it. The 'fwopfwopfwop' from left to right as you sprint down the hall (or *cough* street) is priceless...

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  4. Effin' ROTF here!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

    *THAT* made my day! Am laughing and snorting at the same time here!!! Oh gosh, can't stop laughing! I could totally imagine hubb's face when he realized what's been poking him!

    Jill's drawing of hubb's sleeping with the drool thingy... damn funny.

    Jill's drawing of the big purple thingy... damn genius

    Jill's drawing of your au naturel face laughing your head off... DAMN F*CKING PRICELESS!!!

    Hope that thing didn't give Mr. E any nightmares!

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  5. BY THE WAY, I did not actually draw that last face, I stole it from reddit.com

    As much as I'd like to take credit for that, sadly, I cannot..... But I did draw the hair onto it, so... there's that.

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  6. That is so something I would do to my hubby who would probably appreciate it as much as yours did...but like you I would laugh my ass off.

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  7. HAHAHAHA this one seriously had me loling. Between the story and the face! Hilarious

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  8. LMAO!!!...I don't usually use that LMAO abbreviation in comments, but that's quite literally what I'm doing, only quietly because I don't want to wake my husband lest he start poking me with his thing.
    I say wear all night and keep bumping into him with it. Let him see how we feel all the damn time! Enjoy!

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  9. the last face is a perfect fit. and scary as hell, at the same time.

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  10. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    You are awesome. Seriously.

    And so is Jill, for the hilarious illustrations.

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  11. haha nice. did you get the straight stallion or a curvy derby?

    purple was a good choice :)

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  12. Well, who or what exactly did you buy it for then? I'm immensely curious what it can do for YOU personally...unless you have another person in mind as the recipient.

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  13. Just as funny as when I heard the story in person. The visuals are hysterical.

    One of the many things that strap ons are for.

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  14. I wish you would have caught some actual real life footage. But the drawings are fucking priceless!

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  15. @Pamela

    The drawings are much, MUCH better than any footage would have been. Trust me ;)

    @Deviant

    Yes. ONE thing, indeed.

    @Sweaty

    I don't know about nightmares but I'm sure he dreamed of hurting me in some way, for sure.

    @Btchygirl

    THANKS. I'm glad I'm still alive too. lol

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  16. brilliant, ha ha my hubs would have kicked my butt......

    wait...WAIT.....who is it for?????Do tell ;)

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  17. Holy shit, you look like a kinky Joan Rivers!

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  18. I'm actually kinda surprised your husband was so surprised...I mean, it's not like this situation was totally out of character for you or anything...lol...Fabulous description though--felt like I was right there, uhm, which was rather uncomfortable yet pretty freakin hilarious.

    Cheers.

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  19. @vinobaby

    I know, right?! You'd think he'd have learned by now. haha

    @LLA

    I might have a date with a pretty lady one of these days. Who knows...

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  20. Isn't "Cock-A-Doodle" dirty drawings during health class?
    A PURPLE one? That's a side of Barney we'd probably appreciate never seeing.
    "I love you, you love me."
    Ooh, creepy.

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  21. @Al

    No more Barney! haha..

    Maybe it's because I never watched it, so I don't associate purple things with that dumb dinosaur.
    That's a good thing, since it's my favorite color! lol

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  22. I'm glad I read this while no one else is at home....I am laughing so hard I'm CRYING!!!! Is that what guys do? Do they jump around when they're alone just letting it flop around like that? I can't believe you poked him with your purple weiner! What are your plans for this grape phallus anyways?

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  23. That just cracks my shit up. That may be the funniest thing I have read all week. You rock.

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  24. OMG that is the funniest thing I've ever read/seen. I was literally choking trying to hold in my laughter so my co-workers wouldn't hear me. The whole time I kept imagining it was me and my husband. My husband would have reacted the same way and I would have died laughing!

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  25. Totally put a smile on my face today! LOVE IT :)

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  26. @Sarcasm Goddess

    Oh yes. So much laughing went on... there were tears... and steam coming out of his nostrils, I swear. lol

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  27. ok....u made me smile. Thanks, strap-on Sally

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  28. The LOL face almost killed me. Oh how crappy drawings enhance an already funny story. Damn, I feel like buying one just to pull that joke on the Man myself, but...if I go into one of those stores, do I have to dress better, or can I wear my beige capri pants...

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  29. HILARIOUS! I'm glad you hot so much joy out if it:) honestly I think everyone needs one!

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  30. This is a thing of beauty. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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  31. I snorted lots in bed last night reading this (but couldn't comment - damn my iPhone failing on me!).

    I'm just glad there wasn't a big purple strap on prodding me in the back as I read it ;)

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  32. Dude I think I just pissed myself laughing. You are the most awesome person in the universe. I bow down to your uber coolness.

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  33. OMG I am laughing so hard...
    I want to go buy a strap on just for the shear pleasure of doing this to my hubs.
    The hilarity!

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  34. That may quite possibly be the best story I have ever read. For real. I was laughing so hard and the pictures really just set it off perfectly. I'm so glad you have found your perfect toy and that it is bringing you so much....joy.... in so many ways!

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  35. Love this!

    But your husband needs a talking to, babe.

    Seriously.

    SERIOUSLY.

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  36. That was pretty much amazing! You should keep on using the purple strap on and use it to wake him up... and chronicle it.
    I've never read your blog before, but I will definitely have to keep on reading it! FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!

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  37. Lady E. OK, first, that was fucking hilarious.

    Second, just in case anyone is thinking that purple color does not occur in real life is wrong. Wear a cock ring two sizes too small and see what colors you can make.

    Last, who did you buy it for?

    FUCK RICK PERRY!

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  38. That was beautiful and poetic all at once. A classic artistic redition of the male/female relationship at work. Textbook. Amazing art!

    Margaret
    @goodbadfamily

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  39. Because I love your blog, I've chosen you to receive the Versitile Blogger Award.

    See my post: http://peopledonteatenoughfudge.blogspot.com/2011/09/versitile-blogger.html x

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  40. Bad things start to happen when dirty girls put on strap ons, haha! I'm not much a fan of it myself (it's all cerebral, and what's that at the end of the day?) but I also never got the pleasure of waking up a husband with my penis, so... eh?

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