Jul 4, 2011

Confessions of a Dumbaholic

I know at one point or another, we've all done things and afterwards (perhaps years later) we have thought to ourselves,
"Wow. That was really fucking stupid!"

And it's true; it was stupid. Really, really rieeeee-diculously idiotic.

And I cannot even blame adolescence on all the dumb things that I've done because age doesn't seem to be a consistent variable in these misdeeds. What the hell was wrong with me? The scariest part is that I got good grades in school, have a relatively high IQ, but that doesn't seem to matter in the slightest.

I present to you the Top 5 reasons why I am amazed I'm still alive and well - likely because if you reached high enough, you'd probably find a horseshoe up my ass. (Although, please use gloves! I have issues with that whole area. Yuck.)

1. Riding in the trunk/boot of a car with a friend because there wasn't enough room for everyone in the car. I know someone who did that and then the car was in an accident and made her a paraplegic. And yet, I still did it.

2. Buying street drugs off a pimp and his strung-out hoe in downtown Manhattan, outside of a nightclub. I know someone who got bad drugs from a stranger and it totally fried his brain, permanently. And yet, I still did it.

3. I wanted to have sex with a guy so badly that we did it without any protection. I know someone who contracted herpes the same night that she lost her virginity... with no protection. And yet, I still did it.

4. I get really drowsy behind the wheel; I am seemingly powerless against the urge to sleep. I have fallen asleep behind the wheel at least 3 times (that I can recall). I know of many people that have been in car accidents, some fatal. And yet, I still do it.

5. Smuggling illegal narcotics across the Canada/USA border. Do I really need an example for this one? Oh, and I should probably mention that both my father and grandfather were Customs Officers! And yet, I still did it.

What are some of the dumbest things YOU have ever done?


  1. Humm which story would you like first??

    How my BFF and I thought it would be no problem to switch from driver to passenger in traffic with a manual transmission vehicle with out putting it in park.

    How about needing a ride to the train station so badly I hopped in a car with a random guy I met at the airport that day.

    Or the other time I needed a ride to the train station and got a ride with 4 old women and their 14yr old nephew/child/grandchild who belted out Lady Gaga the whole time.

    It was a bad summer for travel for me, what can I say.

  2. I've done the 'fall asleep at the wheel' a number of times.

    At one point I thought I was hot shit, and worked two jobs. One was a normal 9-5, the other was a graveyard shift tow-truck dispatcher. Shifts were 7pm to 7am, 4 days a week. I thought I could function on 2-3 hours of sleep a day, 3 to 4 days in a row.


    I almost died a few times, but here I am.

    I need more "sex and drugs" stories though...

  3. I doze off at the wheel a lot it sucks but other than that I havent really been to bad.. mama never let me go too far haha

  4. Well let's see, Jumping off a bridge into the river to swim, even though others have drowned doing the same,

    The classic mistake of drinking & driving, that was a young dumb thing

    Not wearing my seat belt and being in a head on, high speed car crash & somehow leaving with only bruises & scrapes,

    etc. etc. etc. There are so many dumb things we have all done at some point or another. It's whether we learn from it in the end or not. Great post!

  5. I used to drive after drinking. And I drove fast.

    I once went away for the weekend with someone - I'd just met him the night before. LOL

  6. I got caught shoplifting twice and kept doing it. I flashed my math teacher. I had a brief affair with my tenth grade art teacher. I drove drunk way too many times.
    And somehow I've never been arrested, never had a detention, never broken up a marriage and never been caught drunk driving.
    I'm not proud...just stupid lucky.

  7. I've fallen asleep at the wheel multiple times. I used to drink and drive a lot, in Tahlequah (where I started college) it was fun. Norman not so much. I tend to like to get piercings around nerves that could leave me paralyzed or take away all feeling in certain important areas. I also have a bad habit of mixing drugs and alcohol. Not smart I know, I've seen what it can do. I've seen what all of this can do...

  8. I have driven drunk too many times to count. I have even drive so drunk that I had to puke out my window while driving.

  9. @DaftScotsLass
    Wow - now THAT is class.

    Well, us art teachers ARE pretty sexy. hehehe.

    I got arrested shoplifting and I still kept doing it; I think I had a little case of klepto.

  10. Just tonight...parked my car down town Seattle drunk... and decided walk around...lost my car; found it then left it again. Talked to a crack head who only wanted me to leave so her dealer would show up while we "weren't around"... found my car again, drove 30 minutes from Seattle to home to avoid a dui. Post on blogspot.
    Talk to older men.

    Keeps me occupied though! Wooooop!

  11. I have driven drunk countless times (no more since I have had kids). Slept with random dudes in college that I had just met. There are several nameless/faceless dudes that I have slept with. How I didn't get raped or pregnant or a disease is beyond me.

  12. Driving home at 7am after only stopping drinking at 5.30am and it was on a work night so I had to go into work. I was so hungover/still pissed that I vomited most of the way home out of the window as I was driving along - I got splashback too, it was rank!

    Told my parents I was staying at my friends for the weekend when I was 17 and I went in a lads car about 100 or so miles from home to stay in a seedy hotel with him.

    Having drunken sex against a wall down an alley at the back of a hypermarket and realising there were security cameras EVERYWHERE! However I was enjoying it that much I didn't tell the bloke I was with.

    The same night as above I threw up all over the bathroom floor and then slipped over in my own vomit.

    I'm so classy.

  13. I once almost committed career suicide. I won't go into detail, suffice to say it involved a purple penis, a projector, and a meeting.

  14. went to a hotel with three guys I didn't know, with two of my girlfriends, intoxicated. So lucky nothing happened to us.

    Jumped out of my dads truck without putting it in park and it almost went over an imbankment and into the lake. I reached in and put the brake on with my hand just in time. Friensd had to winch in out.

  15. You don't have the franchise on stupid...I've done at least a few things on this list. I've fallen asleep at the wheel more than once, driven drunk more than once, and slept with a guy I just met without protection. I could name some more, but you'd come down from Canada and beat the crap out of me from how stupid it was. Oh yeah, Queen of Stupidity....right here y'all

  16. Driving home drunk more times than I can count...the worst was one night where my BFF and I toasted with "you die, I die!" So so so stupid...

  17. I think the dumbest thing I ever did was get knocked up at 16 because our form of BC was the pull-out method. "You can't get pregnant if I pull out." Uh hu. But I still did it.

  18. I couldn't even start, and a lot of the shit wasn't when I was a teenager. I found you on Rockin Mama's blog, and I'm glad I did. I'm a stalker now. Beware.

  19. @Janice
    Awesome; I love stalkers.

  20. I have done four of these five things.

    Not gonna tell you which, you can guess. Or not.

    Have also gone hang gliding without proper training cuz a loser I was dating at the time dared me. Can you say "pray for death on the way down". And if the sex had been half-decent I would not regret it at all...

  21. Apparently I have led a rather boring life! I have rode in the trunk of a car and I have accepted a ride home by a stranger in the wee hours of the morning but other than that, nothing that really rates mention among these stories.

    Oh wait, there was that time that I got married even though I was still sleeping with someone else . . . needless to say the marriage did not work out.

  22. On more than one occasion my friends and I left the bar/beach/mall with random guys that we had just met. We got into their car and let them drive us 'wherever.' Yes, I know many stories about girls who wound up in trash bags at the bottom of a lake doing this. But I still did it.

  23. Damn, you really live on the edge. WOW!

  24. Wow. These are all REALLY bad ideas. I havea series I call "Wow. I'm awesome", but it's more things like frying dust into my pork chopa nd wearing my underwear backwards. I guess we know who the dork is.

  25. Oh the memories. Drove drunk way too many times. Let too many boys take me home drunk (I'm seriously lucky I never got raped). Walked all over downtown in the wee hours bc we didn't have a ride.

  26. what the hell?! smuggle me some narcotics!!!

  27. I'm not sure where to start, so I guess I'll pick one:

    Skipping prom to screw my older BF in a cheap hotel room. The next day telling the parents I was going to after prom at Cedar Point. Instead I got on his bike and we rode to West Virginia to pick up some...."stuff"....

  28. Tell me you'll stop all these things, Ok?

    Esp driving while tired.

    I have grown to love you.



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