My Crappy Valentine

Valentine's Day is an extreme; you either love it or hate it. I hate it. I seemed to always be freshly single when it came 'round or the thought of a romantic prospect was the furthest thing from my current situation - although like New Years Eve and other annoyingly inclusive events, I always had a inkling that I wanted to belong or be a part of something on that day. It's stupid but I know a lot of people feel this way, whether we want to or not.

I finally had the best Valentine's Day in 2003. I had met my would-be husband 2 weeks before and our melodious 3rd date was on Valentine's Day. Bow-chicka-wow-wow! Yes! I can finally not loathe this stupid commercialized soul-sucking day and actually enjoy that vomitously cute teddy bear that holds an embroidered heart saying "I love you." ...or so I thought.

Then on February 12, 2004 my grandfather had been admitted to the hospital with acute phenomena and he was going into heart failure. My grandfather was everything to me. Just as I had lost my father, he had lost his son and so he and I met in the middle to share the ache of that void together... for my entire life. I never felt that with my grandmother, but she's not exactly sentimental, to put it politely.

I had often thought of my grandfather when I heard this particular song from The Murmurs album, since I had been watching him slowly deteriorate since this album came out in '94. Whether it was to torture myself or just to help me expel the grief I was feeling, I dug out my Murmurs CD and played this song on repeat the entire way to the hospital on the morning of February 14th, 2004. When I got there I told him I was going to be OK and that I thought that my boyfriend was "the one" and that he was going to be there for me. He squeezed my hand and then we took him off life support and said goodbye.

Basically thinking of 

basically wondering why.

Your watch is ticking fast, 

your mind is running slow.

The rain is trickling down.

It's a meantime 

madness today

And life's just passin you by.

'Cause you're basically thinkin of 

basically wondering why.

Basically never like to know

'Cause you're basically out of luck 

you're basically growing old

Life has basically been told.

Let me be your strength 

let me hold your body's weight

I wanna walk for you.

In your heart you feel your walking memory

But to me you're so alive.

How do you hold inside 

the rage that you must feel

Watching your body give up on you.

Since I was a child 

the thing that'll pick me up.

I'll do the same for you

Let me be your strength let me hold your body's weight

I wanna walk for you

I wanna walk for you