This is the end. Sorta.

I've been putting off this post for over a month now (actually, more like 6 months now, but who's counting?) but it's time! There will not be anymore posts on this site and in a few months from now, I will be taking it down completely.

The decision to stop my blog isn't entirely that I've ceased to enjoy writing, but rather because when I began this blog in 2010, it was meant to be a collaboration blog of various women's stories of how funny and/or horrible it was going through puberty and their early 20s. That never happened. I got a surprisingly low response of women that wanted to share their stories, even anonymously, so I just began writing all of my own stories. Although I was quite the dumb skank, even I only had so many stories to share. After inserting a variety of posts about other topics, I found that my original intent was pretty much gone.

It's not that I am quitting Adventures in Estrogen, but more like it's just complete, and I am proud of what I've accomplished here in the last 4 years, as well as treasuring the friends I have made because of this.

I love you!

The reason why I will be taking it down in a few months is another story all together. It seems as even though I still get about 1000 page views a day, 995 of those seem to be from fucking pedophiles thinking that my stories of my (very) young sexual experiences will somehow turn them on. It's so fucking horrific and never did I ever even consider this to be a possible side effect of my writings, which are 100% meant to be cautionary tales for girls and/or parents of young girls and nothing fucking more than that. I guess I was naive. My blog search term results used to be hilarious and a constant source of entertainment, but in the past year, it's mostly just turned my stomach & I cannot even bear to check them anymore.

I want to thank all of you that have supported, laughed, cried, commented and connected with me over the last 4 years. As you are probably well aware, I'm always on The Twitter and my website LadyE.me has its own independent website now with some of my favourite posts permanently residing there. I'll also have a Tumblr (yeah, I love Tumblr and I don't fucking care who knows it) where I will post things that are longer than 140 characters. I also hope to write for In The Powder Room again someday, but that won't be until Baby E lets me near a computer for longer than 5 minutes.

PS. Buy our book. Woot! 

See you on the flip side, hookers! Muuuuuuuuah.

Lady E, signing off.

Shop Locket & Me

I've been so freaking excited this weekend after FINALLY getting around to trying Shop Locket after my "friend in a clay way" suggested it to me ages ago. Holy motherfucking hell. From the time I created an account to the time I saw my arts n' crafts being pimped on this site right here (look to your right) was no longer than 15 minutes. "OK, but you're a giant nerd," is what you might be thinking but I promise you, it was no harder to use than uploading images and comments to Facebook.

"But Lady E, what the fuck does it do?"

It helps you sell your shit. Plain and simple. Ohhh yes, so damn simple.

The reason why I think it's so amazing is because I know many of us create something every now and again. . . but then to sell it? Get exposure? Set up a storefront on Etsy just for one item? Seems illogical and extremely annoying, if you ask me. It doesn't even have to be something that you have "handmade" - it can be anything you want to sell, period.

Yes, it does have processing fees like Etsy, but they aren't up-front. Etsy makes MILLIONS of dollars from artists and crafters that very often don't even sell a single item. Etsy is like a beautiful but evil Siren that lures you in with her sexy, crafty wiles and then drowns you. . . but not before she takes your money. Shop Locket functions more on a "consignment based" business model, which works out just fine for me.

I know art is expensive and it is a slow sell (which is why I don't own an art gallery), but here's the thing – 48hrs ago, it was sitting in my office being seen by no one. Now? It's up for sale on this site and since Shop Locket tracks views, it's telling me I have had over 250 impressions this weekend. I don't know of many art galleries around here that could have done that for me anyway. It's pretty fucking fabulous!

Shop Locket integrates with your existing PayPal account, so if someone actually does eventually buy something off my site, it will go nice and smoothly. There are advanced settings for tax and shipping as well, if required. It's got what you need, baby!

I realize that, as bloggers, we write for the love of writing (hopefully) first and foremost, but let's get down to brass tacks here, people – making some money from our other talents anything short of street walkin' should be made easier, and I believe Shop Locket has done that, and then some.

"But Lady E, I don't even have a blog!"

It doesn't matter. It's true that I am quite smitten with the fact that I can embed my for sale items right into my website, but apart from PayPal, all you need is Twitter, Facebook or Pinterest (or all of them, if you so desire) and you can whore out your items through those social media platforms. No website required.

So, do you crochet the shit out of a scarf? Or perhaps cross-stitch lovely phrases?

Screen printed onto some boards you stole from a construction site?

Everyone that participated in Craft Whores will have something glorious to offer the world, I'm sure of it. 

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? 

PUT IT UP FOR SALE ON YOUR BLOG, LIKE, RIGHT NOW.

For realzies, though. Try it, you'll like it!

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This is not a sponsored post. Like I said on The Twitter, I pimp when things deserve to get pimped.

This is one of those times.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Thanks to my supportive husband, (and I'm actually not even being a smarmy bitch when I say that... this time!) we will be driving down to NYC on August 2nd. Why is that, you ask? Ohh, because I'm going to go to my first BlogHer event and chill out with Martha Stewart. Yeah, baby! Myself, The Suniverse and Martha are going to compare prison tats - it's gonna to be very. <-- See? Even my Heathers' quotes are coming out, proof that I'm, well, this...

I'm only going for the Friday of the conference but I cannot wait to meet so many of you for some quickies! Over the last couple years, I practically feel like I know you anyway, but it's always cool to get that in-person experience. Like the late great Dicky Fox said, "The key to this business is personal relationships." Yes, Dicky, I totally agree with you.

So tomorrow, I'm off to get some treats that my fabulous local Love Shop are donating to me to take to the conference. It won't technically be sponsorship material (which is a no-no) since it's only to promote my blog, so shhhhhh. Said treats will also come with one of my limited edition magnets. Yay! 

Le magnet: It's attractive

And no, I haven't had sex this week, because... MERCHANDISING.

I have started a list on The Twitter for people that are also going to BlogHer, so if you're reading this and I haven't added you, please tell me!

On a side note, I realize how motherfucking annoying it can get for people that aren't at the conference to hear about all the shit - that was me for the last 2 years, actually. It's not out of jealously, but constantly hearing about an event/party that you weren't at is just simply irritating. I will keep that in mind while I tweet and blog cautiously at grotesquely inflated roaming rates while I'm in Amurrrica.

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Farrah, please step forward! 

You need to email/DM me your deets so I can send you THE CERVIXENS t-shirt that you won!

Congrats - please wear your honorary Cervixen top with pride... especially when you're maybe not wearing a bra, but that is totally just a suggestion. 

Ahem.

The lead up & the low down

A lot of shiznit has been going on around here, so I thought it was high time I quit avoiding and spill it.

First off, it's my birthday tomorrow. Fuck yeah, muthafuckers!! Unlike some people that hate their birthdays, I quite enjoy it.

Why?

Yes. That.

In honor of my birthday, I am giving myself a gift, a gift of time. Time off.

This is also in conjunction with the fact that I started therapy sessions, finally. And guess what one of the first things she said to me was? "I'm exhausted just listening to all the things you are doing. You need a break."

Well... doctor's orders then.

The launch of the Michelle Rumball video for Hangover Square is on Wednesday, and will be up for the remainder of the week. It's a pretty big fucking deal to me, so I will want to give it as much exposure as I can. I hope EVERYONE who's ever even sniffed around my blog to please watch the video! Let's get the views over 1000. YAY! It is based on my relationship with Jim and the fictional alternative ending that I wrote a while back. I scripted, directed and even did a tiny bit of shooting. Double yay!

The following week (January 30th), I have some kick ass posts lined up from some of my dearest hoes. Please visit and enjoy. I will be around, but just chilling a bit.

When I return on February 6th, I will be reducing my posting schedule to twice a week - Mondays and Thursdays. I love this blog and love all of you that honor me every time you visit... but I love my sanity too, and it's about time I focus on that for a while. I have some fabulous ideas brewing for the site this year, it will just roll out less often.

Please bear with me while I go hunting for my marbles.

I'll be wearing camouflage. Preferably pink.

Love you lots,

Lady E
xox

'Cos I'm a model, ya know what I mean

Thanks to The Animated Woman, I was guided toward a post on Jezabel.com that explained how H&M doesn't even use real models' bodies on their website. I had to read it twice, since the WHAT THE FUCK in my head was screaming so loudly. Yes, these 'bodies' apparently display their clothing much better than a 'real' woman could... which leads me to ask the obvious question: Who's meant to be buying these bloody clothes? Apparently not real humans!

I'm sorry H&M, but if your clothes don't look good on real women, even models, you have shitty designers, and therefore, even shittier clothes.

I went to the site to check out this freak show for myself, and it is surely true, and oh-so-obvious. Notice anything that these three women have in common?

It kind of takes the idea of the "cookie cutter" criticism to a whole new depth of hell. Oh, but let's applaud their efforts to at least tweak their skin tones to match the head they pasted on top. Bravo!

I'm fairly certain that my neck is thicker than this digital representation of what a woman's thigh is meant to look like, but hey, at least I know I totally have bigger tits, and they're REAL. Ahem.

I found the entire interactive "let's dress up the droid" part of the website unnerving, creepy and soulless. Click on the different models -- only the heads change. It's gross! I propose that if we can inter-change all the clothes and heads, we should be able to paste on our own heads as well. I'd find the experience much more pleasurable if I was able to see my friends looking back at me. I don't mind that they're in their undies... it's not like it's their bodies, right? Pssh-sha.

SEE? Much Better - So Sexy!

~ Purrrrrr ~

I'd prefer putting clothes on Handflapper, Animated Woman and Ida Homie any day...who wouldn't?!

But then again, there's no way in FC/UK I'd ever buy anything from H&M in the first place.*

Fashion? Fail.

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*Okay. So once I bought 2 AC/DC t-shirts for the twins there. Whatthefuckever. But that's IT.

Credits: Animated Woman for paraphrasing her tweet, the 3D Rendering artists at H&M, Kathy Slamen Photography, Handflapper's fine art talent, and Brandon's mad hotel bathroom photography skills.

Squawk!

It was Multitasking Mumma's birthday and she was trying to be all like "Ohh, I don't care about it this year."
OK, so as to not put words in other people's mouths, this is how it actually went down on The Twitter:

Blardy blar blargh. 

Well, darling - because you don't care so much, here's me totally not caring right back...

SQUAWK!

Love ya, darling.

Five More Funny F*ckrz

I haven't done a FFF for a long time, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to get caught up on five of the things that made me laugh in the last little while. Some are from ages ago that I had stumbled on while... you know... wasting time working hard.

1. Scary Mommy wrote her own version of the "Go the Fuck to Sleep" book a little while back called "Wake the Fuck Up". If you haven't checked it out, it's fantastic. Oh, and it's also highly offensive to annoying husbands, so if you're that, well... sorry.
My favorite stanza:

"I know you feel sick but I do as well
My nose is stuffy too
and my throat sore as hell
Please stop complaining
It’s just a little cold
So shut up and cope
You’re not that fucking old"

2. I have recently been turned on to Avitable and I had a few pokes around the other day and came across this, umm... photo of a turkey. Since we're pretty much 1/2 way between Canadian Thanksgiving and the American holiday (and I still have a pumpkin transformed into a turkey on my front porch that is mildly rotting) I think this is a very suitable festive link to share with all of you. 

WARNING: His nut sack had been used to create this image, but don't worry, I'm sure his balls were not harmed in any way during the making of this... art?

3. My bloggy boyfriend Lost in Idaho (we're still, like, totally getting those middle finger ring tats, just you wait) took a little visit to Preston, Idaho. Do you KNOW why that town is so damn significant? Well, I'll give you three hints: Ligers, Pedro and Lafawnduh.

Oh yes, it's where Napoleon Dynamite is from. Gosh!

Swoon, baby, swoooooon!

So, because of my love for this movie (I own a 'Vote for Pedro' t-shirt), I might be a little bias of this post, but  I think it's awesome. That is, unless you've not seen Napoleon Dynamite. If that's the case, this post won't make any fucking sense to you. Sorry.

4. The Animated Woman did a fabulous illustration last week (all of them are fabulous, but because this one is slightly deviant, I love it a tiny bit more than the others). It describes her, and most of our current feelings towards that gawd damn Klout thingamajigger. You know what I mean....

It's entitled "My KLOUToris." 

Do YOU know where it's hidding? 

Ahem.

5. This last one I came across via The Twitter. @looneytunes tweeted this link and wouldn't you know it? It's actually allowing me to embed it, so dammit, that's what I'm going to do. It's a performance by Stephen Lynch and the song is called, "What if that guy from Smashing Pumpkins lost his car keys?" Of course, referring to Billy Corgan. It's pretty fucking hilarious, especially if you happen to be a 90s grunger kid like me. There's a couple F-bombs (shocker, I know) for those of you who might be listening at work. Yeah, that.



And that brings me to the end of another edition of 5 Funny Fuckrz. If you have one that you think I've missed reading and totally feel like it deserves a shout out, please let me know. I LOVE reading good posts! I try to keep up with my blog reading, but it's pretty overwhelming at times. Twitter has become my blog reader these days. Tweet me some good shit and I'll stop by for a visit. Yay!

Have a gawd damn fantastic weekend, everyone!
MUAH.

Think of me... think of me fondly.

Last week was Jill's birthday. Yeah. Good Times. I thought I should have made her something since she went through all the trouble of helping me illustrate my lovely Cock-A-Doodle... Purple story, but I wasn't sure what. Then, my wonderful friend, Sweaty was doing her best to whore my posts (lord only knows why, but it's totally fucking appreciated) and she asked Jill if she had read my post about my new toy and how masturbation has exponentially improved my life these days. She had. She hinted that she had partook in some birthday self-love and thus is what followed:

Fucking loved it! I felt inspired after this conversation and then knew exactly what I needed to make for her birthday present, which I would make with my own two hands... and stolen borrowed images off the internet. Ta-da!

Five Funny F*ckrz

I have noticed one thing over the last year and a bit while visiting other blogs - once I read them... once we all read them, there are gone the next day, added into the blog pile archive. I find this a little sad, because it's obvious that people put A LOT of effort into theses posts/features. I really wish I had started this earlier, but I guess it's better late than never, right? It's not going to be regular, but I'll start a running tally and whenever I get to 5, I'll post them.

Here are 5 things that I really had a good laugh over; I feel like it's only right to give them an extra pat on their backs for their spectacularly funny shit! Actually, screw the back patting; I'm more of a congratulatory smack on the ass kind-of-girl - so let's go with that. SMACK! Way to go, funny fuckers!

1. bigwords: The Tampon Revolution: Top 7 Ways To Modernise Tampons
It starts off guns blazing even with the disclaimer:
* Warning this post contains the word tampon. It may offend some people who don't use them.
For the record, I vote for Penis-shaped.

2. Comediva: I'm a Girl and I'm Funny, Yo
I want to be them when I grow up. True Story.
"Do my routine - it kills! There's no dispute. Oh, and I got a dog, ya; he's fucking cute!"


I'm a Girl and I'm Funny, Yo from Comediva on Vimeo.

3. Midget Man of Steel: I Google Alphabetically
I really don't know what's funnier - the weird shit that people type into Google OR the smart ass comments from Moog. It would at least have to be a 40/60 split. It's all hilarious! Also? I'm convinced that he does not work while at "work" - even less than me - and that is saying a lot.

4. I'm Gonna' Kill Him: Textual Healing
Some insightful shorthand texting that would be helpful to any good marriage. I know I'm going to have to teach my husband a couple, if not all of these gems. My personal favorites:

HIM: SFC? (Stop for Condoms?)
YOU: NSFIC (Nah, Stop for Ice Cream)

HIM: AYSM? (Are you spending money?)
YOU: LTAWIS (Let’s talk about what I’m saving)

5. Toy With Me: Exactly Like That Scene in Pretty Woman. Only Totally Different
Yes, exactly because it happened to her, and NOT to me. My favorite excerpt:

"I looked a little bit like Helena Bonham Carter
and not in a fun, Bohemian crazy lady way, but in a Bride of Frankenstein on
crystal meth kind of way."

It's hilarious because I've got that visual in my head and it's super sexy, yo! It is a bit odd that she sports that look in a lot of her movies, now that I think about it, but I won't digress.

Have a fantastic weekend, party people!