Oct 29, 2012

What's Your Damage? 2.0

Welcome to the very first edition to WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE? on this blog. I did a trial run over at Change The Topic and it seemed to have gone over pretty well, so here we all are on a brand new day and brand new issue. If you still have zero idea what the hell I'm talking about, basically, someone writes in their problem and I will do my best to answer using my plethora of bullshit knowledge about useless things.

Dear Lady E,

I have been married for 5 years, 5 months and with my husband for almost 8 years. We are best friends and very happy together and have a 3 year old son. I have a friend, a guy friend, who I've known for a little over five years. We've always been good friends but in the last several months I have developed a raging crush.

My husband knows how I feel and, honestly, he feels threatened because my guy friend and I would make a good couple if I were single and my husband is afraid I'm going to leave him for my friend. I'm not going to ever leave my husband but I have expressed a physical interest in my friend and my friend has expressed the same about me. My husband is an amazing man and has been very understanding of my... needs? desires? ... in the past. 

I made out with a good female friend a few months before my husband and I got married, and I also made out with a female acquaintance last New Year's. I understand his reticence and I also understand that my interest in a long-term male friend changes things quite a bit. But it still remains that my friend and I have feelings for each other. 

All 3 of us may be going to a party next month and it's pretty much a given that if he and I start drinking that something is going to happen. I'm not sure what to do but I am now dreaming about him and it's really on my mind. I really need any advice you can give me.

Wanting all the Cake


Dear Wanting,

Dooooode! The first thing I have to say after initially reading this is WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TELL YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT THIS CRUSH? I mean, perhaps some might applaud the honesty that you have with each other, but I'm going to have to side with my very wise mother on this one and say that they are just some things that are best left as secrets; secrets that are to be offered up as sacrifices to the "marital preservation gods". No matter how great we think our relationships are, everyone has insecurities . . . especially men. It's mostly because of their egos, but whereas men are almost "expected" to have a wandering eye over the years, if they see that their wives are viewing other men as being sexually desirable, it freaks them right the fuck out! Holy hell, I made the mistake about telling my husband about a man that I had a thing for (who is somewhat local and obtainable) and it still bothers him and it happened before-we-were-even-together. Imagine if I told him about all the guys that I've literally ached to take a ride on since we've been married? Forget about it. I'm just pretty damn proud of myself for always calling out the right name during sex. Ahem.

A woman's heart is as deep as an ocean, and many things should be left to lurk through the darkest depths, like sea cucumbers. But since that ship has long since sailed for you, these are a few scenarios that you need to work though and consider.

Scenario A
Your husband realizes that this is just an itch you must scratch and gives you a "hall pass". Afterwards, everyone is happy and you go about thriving in your marriage. Your husband will never carry resentment towards you and everything will be perfect. Also, ice cream now helps people lose weight and a cure for cancer has been discovered.

Scenario B
Your husband realizes that this is something you need but still wants to be a part of it, so he agrees to a threesome, having you in the middle of a handsome sandwich and your new nickname shall henceforth be Fingercuffs. Also, ice cream now helps people lose weight and a cure for cancer has been discovered.

Scenario C
You need to put your big girl panties on and have a serious soul search within yourself about what you want in your future. This is made much more complex since a child will also be affected by your decisions/actions. Is having sex with this other man more important than keeping your son's family together? I'm not even being facetious when I ask that. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it's no. There's a reason why over 50% of marriages end in divorce - they don't call it the "Seven Year Itch" for nothing - but you need to decide what is best for you. It seems like you do not want to leave your husband, so you're likely going to have to do what I do: Get a dildo and secretly name it after the other guy so you can scratch your itches that way. Maybe not seeing your friend quite as much would also help, which TRUST ME, when you have an addiction, it sucks trying to distance yourself from him, but it's really for the best - even if just for a little while. Marriage is (usually) for a long time and this probably won't be the only time something like this will happen, so you're going to have to learn how to deal with it when it does.

Also, if you're genuinely concerned that you won't be able to control your urges while you are drinking, there is really one easy solution to that - don't fucking drink. "But baby, I was drunk!" hasn't been allowed as a valid excuse for sexual indiscretions since your freshmen year at college (or your 21st birthday, whichever came first).

And on that note, I wish you all the very best in your itch scratching, however which way you choose to do it.

Love and smooches,
Lady E


  1. Great advice Lady E! Once you start down that path . . . well let's just say more often than not the results are pretty damaging.

    As for the drinking/party . . . be the adult and either a) don't drink or b) don't go.

  2. Name a dildo after him! Brilliant!! Truly brilliant! Just don't use it when hubby is within ear shot.

  3. Good advice. As guys, and women, I expect, we're not great about the sharing, no matter what we say or how much we would like to be.

    On the other hand, sometimes it's inevitable that we have to come down off our high horses and deal with our imperfect lives that don't go the way we want them to, and accept the people we expect too much from.

    No wait, that's really shitty advice for people who have emotions. That's just making trouble.

    This is why I don't do this kind of work. Bravo to you.

  4. Me like!

    Because though you want to, you can't have all the cake.

  5. Like a sea cucumber, LOL. Excellent advice, Lady E. crushes are HARD to deal with, especially when it's someone you actually have contact with.

  6. @Leigh Ann

    I'm glad someone noticed my juvenile sea cucumber joke.

    And yes, it's SUPER hard, like obsessively hard. I've been there . . . a couple times ;/

  7. Sex is great...like really great! But still, I think it's highly over-rated. I've been married for 8 years and I'm not itching to do anything with anybody other than my wife. Sure my eyes wander and I say "Damn! Look at her!" but just because she is attractive doesn't mean I truly want to sleep with her.

    I believe that if there is a true desire to be with this man than perhaps a hard look into the marriage is in order. If you love your husband so much, then why do you desire another?

    And people wonder why in the hell America has such a high divorce rate! It sickens me how people will hurt each other just for a fling!

    Go ahead! Go sleep with this guy and crush your hubby! What you'll have left is a life full of burden and guilt. And then you'll be stuck sleeping with and trying to find guys that just doesn't compare to the hubby you no longer have.

    I am now angry! Unfaithful assholes!

  8. I itched at 7 myself, and can say this is good advice.

    However, sometimes talking helps. Turns out my girlfriend has a freaky side, and may surprise me on a random day with a friend... 'she followed me home, can we keep her?'

    Good luck, cake. Sometimes you get all the cake, and sometime the cake is a lie.

  9. And we guys are insecure because he may have a bigger penis than us... THAT IS NOT ALLOWED. :p


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