Scratch is for suckers!

Oct 18, 2012



This is the first time I've ever posted a recipe on this blog (or anywhere, ever) for one main reason - I fucking hate cooking. I pretty much suck at it, except for the odd dessert. Imagine that. Ahem.

I'm actually not bad at taking a mix or instant food and altering it into something fabulous. Whether or not that can be deemed an actually skill or not is probably open for debate. In what will be most likely a VERY rare event (and because I've made this particular dessert 3 times now) I am going to share it with you; I call it . . .

"Better than a blowjob pumpkin cake with butter cream that makes you scream"

The first thing you'll need straight away is one of these puppies . . .


Shameless? Most definitely.

As it says on the back of the box, you'll need:
3 eggs
2 tablespoons oil
And even though it says 1 1/3 cups water, ignore that shit and only use 1 cup.

Why, you ask? Don't ask questions, just do it!

You will also need:
1 cup canned pumpkin puree (Because really, like I'm going to get fresh pumpkin. Pssfft.)
2 teaspoons cinnamon (Plus a little extra for sprinklage on top of the icing.)
3 teaspoons nutmeg (I love nutmeg, but obviously you can use less if you didn't come out to play with the big kids.)
1/2 cup golden raisins (Raisins optional, although don't be a pussy and just add them, mmk?)

And of course, Duncan Hines Butter Cream Ready-Serve Icing.

1. Do all the shit it says on the back of the box. For real, I'm not re-typing it out.
2. Then add the pumpkin, spices and raisins.
3. Pour it into whatever tin you have available and follow the cooking times on the box.
4. Sit your ass down, watch TV and enjoy how your house gradually starts to smell seriously fucking awesome.

I feel you've pretty much got it from here, but anyway . . .

5. When it's done, let it cool down. Obviously.
6. Spread that butter creamy goodness all over the cake.
7. Eat the leftover icing straight from the container.
7. Sprinkle some cinnamon on top for a little pizzazz.
8. Stuff your face with way more than what's considered the recommended serving.



And there you have it!

Please let me know if it does, in fact, live up to its namesake and it gets you out of having to perform any oral favors. If it's anything like my house, the pumpkin will win. Every time.


Mama's Losin' It

16 comments:

  1. That sounds ridiculous. I'll have to try it. Sadly, my hubs isn't so into sweets so there's no way it will live up to its namesake in this house!

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    Bahaha. Oh, that's too bad, I mean . . .
    Still tastes pretty damn good though ;)

  1. Yeah. I think we went to the same cooking school. Boxes rule.

  1. Mama Kat said...:

    I feel dirty reading this...but in a good way.

  1. Please write a cookbook. Giving it would make going to bridal showers mildly tolerably. For real. Ellen

  1. Jenn said...:

    If all my cookbooks read like your recipe, I'd have a lot more fun cooking. And I love boxed mixes, it's way too easy to fuck up a from-scratch recipe.

  1. Classic NYer said...:

    The best (and only) cake I ever made was out of a Duncan Hines box. And it was DAMN GOOD. Fuck "scratch."

    Visiting from Mama Kat's. :-)

  1. Visiting from Mama Kat's...love you attitude! Following you now.

  1. Smldada said...:

    I am totally making this! As soon as possible.

  1. Fox in the City said...:

    Holy shit that sounds good! Now for the stupid question . . . what size can of pumpkin puree? I ask because I had a recipe call for half a can but turns out they meant small can and my muffins tasted like licking the inside of a still warm jack o'lantern . . . GROSS!
    Jenn

  1. NatteringNic said...:

    You have discovered what every recipe card needs...a healthy dose of cursing. I love you. (Even though I hate pumpkin anything...)

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    @NatteringNic

    I'll forgive you for the pumpkin comment only because you complimented the swearzies.

  1. Leighannn said...:

    So trying this!!!

  1. Nicole Shaw said...:

    I just got aroused by cake. It's kind of a food-sex week for me, though. Making this when I reach my goal weight and blowing my whole WeightWatchers loss to hell!

  1. Nelly said...:

    All of my desserts start with a box. I'm so glad I'm in good company.

  1. jenbugblogs.com said...:

    Dude. I'm back at this page, drooling over your cake recipe, pissed that I have to put pants on to go to the store to get the shit to make this because I don't have anything but the effing cinnamon in my pantry. Gah! Oh, and I just sent someone else here because this cake is the fucking best thing since OralGel. Seriously.

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