Sep 20, 2012

The End of Days: A Preview

For the last few months, a Canadian national retailer has been dying a slow and seemingly painful death. The strange thing is that I've never even liked Zellers – their products and customer service sorely lacked in quality compared to their American competitors. I wish is wasn't the truth but that has been my experience.

FINALLY, it's the end of days for Zellers. Every week, the savings increase by 10% and the scavengers come flocking. Of course, I had to check it out every week – especially since I have twins, so buying everything in duplicate sure helps when it's 50-80% OFF. We got 2 new tricycles for $30 each. Score!

(I don't know this kid, but he was more than eager to pose for me.)

Then, I did something that I might not be overly proud of – I went to another Zellers and then another, and another to check out their spoils of a defeated retail war. My grandmother's obsessive shopping gene kicked in, which is my only line of defense at this time. I journeyed to one particularly close to The Big Smoke where the population is a lot more dense (in volume, not intelligence maybe), and this is what I found:

Which perhaps isn't too bad for those of you non-OCD people, but then I turned around and saw this:

Fuck that, yo!

People scrounging through merchandise on the floor. Throwing it, stepping on it, kicking items aside, treating it like it was a free-for-all! If this is what the Apocalypse (Zombie or otherwise) would look like, I just hope I go out quickly, because I have no patience for this fucking chaos. Not one bit. I love a good bargain as much as the next person, but if the shelves are in disarray and there's no civilized shopping to be had, please just put me out of my misery, because this made my heart hurt:

A world without organized, freshly re-stocked merchandise is not a world that I'd be interested in. Period.

And without further adieu. . .

Dear gods of Target,

Please hurry up and give this store a baptism of fire 
before you even think of moving in; just take my word for it.
Looking forward to being inside you!


Lady E


  1. Without further adieu??

    AAAARGH @&*^#@E@NB#E@&#TU^EG@!*&T^E#G !@#GE!#E&!G@# E&!GY#E !&GYE# !&@GE#!#)(*@&#)(*~@^# ~@)(#E*~&@#K)E!~M@~~!!!!!

  2. That one scene with the crap all over the floor looks like a typical day in the mumu (old southern fat lady pajama dresses) section of our Walmarts in South Carolina.

    I guess the tricycles were worth it though, at least.

  3. Dear Brandon,
    That was just for you.
    I know deep down, you truly love that phrase.
    Just admit it.


    I once saw a pantyhose section of a Walmart look like that. I still haven't recovered from witnessing that scene either. I don't understand why people shop like this! It's madness.
    Maybe it's because for the better part of a decade, it was my job to clean it up.

  4. I haven't been to mine yet. But, now I will.

  5. Oh Lady, I understand.

    I went to my local Zellers a few weeks ago when things were only 40% off and the store still maintaned a modicum of prosperity. I tried again last week (I think we chatted on Twitter about it) and things WERE NOT GOOD.

    I've had a love/hate with the Z all my life, and my kids have seen me make clerks cry real tears over refusual to do things like what THEY ARE PAID FOR.

    Anyway, the last time I visited the stroe it was similar to how you have depicted. All my good memories of the store, like being 13 years old, eating fries and gravy at "The Skillet" and paying with quarters and trying on make-up and laughing at the huge old ladu underwear were stomped on - stomped on like a 75% off piece of crafting felt.

    Oh, Zellers.

    What happened to ye?

  6. People are such savage assholes. I mean, really? It was a mad race to get poster-board? So harried that you had to just throw it on the ground because GOD FORBID they sell out of the 1 cent white and yellow.

  7. Yeah. It's not a fucking flea market, it's a department store. I don't understand why people think they can destroy the store just because everything is on sale.

  8. All the Zellers here closed down for good a few weeks ago and work has already begun to turn them into Targets.


    But yes. They all looked that like before they closed down. And the shoppers? Fucking lunatics. Seriously folks. 10% off shampoo is NO reason to go apeshit and smash the aisle. Perhaps the most frustrating part was the fact that despite the 80% off signs the hired homeless people held, not a fucking thing was actually 80% off.

  9. OH! As sad as the whole boneyard- vulture thing is, it's really quite a thing to see when a store has a going out of business extravaganza. I wish you congrats on Target. Your life will never be the same!

  10. OMG - savages. People will do anything for a deal apparently - even destroy other people's stuff. I've seen tornado wreckage that looked better than that mess.

  11. That is horrible. It makes my skin crawl.


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