Vagina on Fire

Sep 13, 2012

(Alternate title: The Antibiotics Lament)
Please feel free to sing this to the tune of Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon. . . 
Ya know, if you want.


It's like my vaj's dying
I hope no one's around
I shouldn't be scratchin' 
But I'm scratchin'
Applying the lotion
The hubs wants to play 
But I'm cock blockin' 

My vaj is on fire

In the darkness of my valley
There'll be no foreplay 
This yeast is thrivin' 
It's thrivin' 
I'm really hopin' 
That Vagisil's on sale. 
It feels like I'm dyin' 
I'm dyin'

My vaj is on fire
With an itch that is dire 

Hot as a fever
Down in my zone
Don't taste it 
What the fuck is wrong with you? 
It's not forever 
It's just my current plight 
I just had the greatest, 
The greatest. . .
Scratch of my life. 

My vaj is on fire
My vaj is on fire

My vaj is on fire
With an itch that is dire

A Mother Life


I have also posted over at In The Powder Room! It's about trying to find gawd damn Wall.E toys in NYC (or anywhere other than eBay for that matter). Let's just say that it was good motherfucking times.


  1. Lillian Connelly said...:

    You need a band and a record deal. You are a song writer. Who knew?

  1. Angel Shrout said...:

    Yogurt period. Never have another yeast infection from antibiotics again. Promise.

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    I've been eating probiotics like it's going outta style.

  1. Fritter said...:

    May the Cervixens never die!!!

    I hope it's better soon. Ugh!

  1. Fox in the City said...:

    Oh my god . . . this post is all sorts of wrong!! Have you tried acidophilus? It is the good bacteria in a pill format. It might help save us from reading about your itchy neither regions . . . at least for a while! ;)

  1. I've somehow lived my entire 32 years without knowing this pain. My mother swore by soaking a tampon (in applicator) in yogurt then freezing it...then inserting it. Everything about that sounds horrific to me but I've clued some friends in and they said it feels fantastic. Worth a try??

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:


    NEVER? You lucky bitch! I got the most horrible one of my life when I was pregnant with the twins at about 6mths. I couldn't even SEE my vaj let alone attend to it. Fucking hell! lol

  1. Gerri Bird said...:

    OMG...this made me laugh and cringe! love it! :)

  1. Good Lord. Love it. You know I work at a radio station right? RUH ROH

  1. Shirls said...:

    Ouch. Give up sugar, bread,all baked goods. And the frozen tamposicle sounds good.

  1. Omg.. I've had one yeast infection ever and it was 29 yrs. ago when I was 3 months preg. with my oldest and it was hell! Great song!

  1. RoryBore said...:

    oh my...the terrible thing is I will have this song in my head All Day Long! Except my version goes to the tune of "Cat Scratch Fever."
    I am so sorry for you and your itchy vaj. You probably don't want to hear that in 40 some years - never had one. I don't eat yogurt and I am a sugar whore.
    I'll just smack myself and show myself out.

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    All you lucky bitches that have never had a yeast infection, I mean, really!?! lol

  1. (as sung to Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta)

    Damn it feels good to have a penis
    A real penis-packing dude pisses standing up
    A real penis-packing dude doesn't get odd diseases,
    Cuz real penis-packing dudes don't have FUCKING YEAST INFECTIONS...

    Oh wait, that messed up the cadence, didn't it?

    Well you get the idea. Sorry, but glad to be a dude right now!!

  1. Sandra said...:

    I love that you talk about your itchy vaj, say "it was a good motherfucking time," and you have a job. I'm moments away from being employed (well in April), and my biggest fear is that my future employers will read my blogs (not hard to find) and think, "My fuck, this woman's vagina is so narcissistic." I want to be you and write about my itchy vaj...although my vaj is not itchy, I'm just saying...or fuck it. I loved this. Please never stop being you.

  1. XLMIC said...:

    A clove of garlic. Peeled. For real.

    And I really think you should do your own music video with this song. It would be way better than that one you used instead.

  1. Thank Q said...:

    LOL # Brandon!

  1. Arnebya said...:

    Trying not to scratch as I type. Walking with an extra switch trying to get a mini-rub/scratch in BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK I'M ON FIRE! And the doctor. That bitch refuses to call in a prescription based on I'M ON FIRE. I just need that one pill to knock it right out but nooooooooooooo she needs to see me. THE FUCK FOR? I've had this cooch my whole life; I know when it's yeast (I also know when it's crabs, bitch, so just call in the script).

    @XLMIC: Eat the clove or stuff the clove, um, elsewhere? Also, to do a video she'd need her snatch to be shown and that there is porn. If she ain't getting paid porn money...never mind.

  1. Molley Mills said...:

    You ARE certifiable woman! But I love, love, love it!
    Thanks for being my HOOKER!

  1. Lucy Ball said...:

    I've heard that making your own yogurt is pretty easy. No. Idea.

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