Hohum: A poem

Nov 23, 2011

Hohum my chum,
Hohum my chum,
Please keep away from my bum.
I do not like it, Hohum my chum.
I do not like it up my bum.

Would you like it here or there?

I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like it up my bum.
I do not like it, Hohum my chum.

Would you like it with my thumb?
Would you like it with some rum?

I would not like it with your thumb.
I would not like it with some rum.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it anywhere.
I do not like it up my bum.
I do not like it, Hohum my chum.

Would you do it with some lube?
Would you like it if I squeezed your boob?

I would not do it with some lube,
And what the fuck does squeezing my boob
have anything to do with wanting to put your dick up my ass?
I would not like it with your thumb.
I would not like it with some rum.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it anywhere.
I do not like it up my bum.
I do not like it, Hohum my chum.

Say! In the dark?
Here in the dark!
Would you, could you, in the dark?

I would not, could not, in the dark.

If you could not, would not 
let me try that route,
Then could you, would you, up MY shute?
I would promise not to toot.

I would not do that up your shute.
And, oh my fucking god, the fact that you bring up tooting
is the exact reason it's so repulsive.
A queef? Sure. But a toot? Heinous!
Not that route. Not up your shute.
Not in the dark.
Don't leave your mark.
Not with your thumb. Not with some rum.
I will not do it here or there.
I will not do it ANYWHERE!
I do not like it up my bum.
I do not like it, Hohum my chum.

You do not like it. So you say.
Try it on me! TRY ME!
And you may.
Strap it on and you may, I say.

If you will let me be, I will try it.
You will see...

I like it up your bum!
I do! I like it, Hohum my chum!
And I would fuck you here and there.
And I would fuck you anywhere…

And we could do it in the dark.
And with some lube. 
What the hell? Go ahead and squeeze my boob.
I do so like it up your bum!
Thank you!
Thank you, Hohum my chum.
For showing me it's good, so good, you see!

But still...
You ain't ever fucking doing that to me.


Thanks to Brandon (Lost in Idaho) for nominating me for Dudettes: The X-factor. Yay! Smooches ;) 

A Mother Life


  1. You are so awesome I totally want to have your babies. Okay no babies but your awesome so awesome I'm sharing this link http://youtu.be/1xc_BJxdDgg
    which I think you'll enjoy.

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:


    Why haven't I seen THAT! LMFAO.
    Thanks :)

  1. Fox in the City said...:

    Well now, I feel a bit dirty and I bit like enjoying some green eggs and ham. Only you my dear Lady E, only you could pull of this piece of poetry brilliance.

  1. Zombie said...:

    For some reason I was reading it in the Dr. Seuss narrator voice. lol.

  1. Love it! Now I will think of this next time we read Green Eggs and Ham..I don't know whether to thank you or whip you...

  1. Kelley said...:

    Did you write that yourself?? You need to enter that into Shel Silverstein's next children's book!

  1. Lost.in.Idaho said...:

    Jillsmo needs to do some drawings to go with this. Just saying...

    And if the guy were slick, he would have used the 'oops wrong hole' method, acted innocent, but hey, as long as we're in...

    I kid, I kid... brilliant post.

  1. OMG....brilliant, just effing brilliant.

  1. Moooooog35 said...:

    Is anyone else in here wicked horny?

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:


    Seriously, do you even have to ask?
    Always, darling.


    There's no such thing as the "oops"
    No. Such. Thing ;)

  1. Suniverse said...:

    Is this a book yet? Because I see this as a stocking stuffer.

  1. Al Penwasser said...:

    Ahhhhh, prison poetry!
    Nothing says the holidays quite like sodomy.
    I know, doesn't make sense to me either.
    Great job!

  1. jacqui said...:

    Now look what you've gone and done to the work of Dr. Seuss. I look forward to seeing what you can do with Fox in Socks.

  1. Lesley said...:

    You're so fuckin crazy. I love it!

  1. On behalf of women everywhere,


    For putting this sentiment so succinctly.

  1. This post left me speechless, not to mention a little breathless and a bit wincing too.

    Just make sure you don't use the same big purple thingy or that favorite metal stick of yours up some dude's shutes, k? ;) eeek

  1. Leighannn said...:

    I wonder if you will have this published soon.
    Did you read it to your husband?

  1. Carri said...:

    Jesus H. Christ on a stick. That is brilliant.

  1. Ixy said...:


  1. Serge LeFrotte said...:

    Exit only. This isn't sneaking in the movies.

  1. poetjames said...:

    OMG! This is too fucking funny! I still have tears in my eyes lol. This was awesome.

  1. This is the new greatest nursery rhyme ever. Sheer Genius!

  1. Lady in Red said...:

    Haha... very nice! Love me some good Dr. Seuss any day! And this was so skillfully done too :)

  1. I could have SWORN I commented on this before. Ugh...damn my wandering mind. LOVE it. haha. I have to say...Lost picked a good team of ladies for his "dudettes". What say you to a three way dance on that Dude Write dance floor? I promise my hands won't wander...too much. ;)

  1. Kevin Routh said...:

    Holy crap that was funny!!! Unfortunately, I will NEVER read Green Eggs and Ham to my daughter again... Ever.
    Saw your link on the Dude Writes blog.

  1. Workingdan said...:

    My first visit ever to this blog and this is what I'm stuck reading? WTF? I absolutely love it! Brilliant! Absofuckinglutely brilliant!

  1. Pickleope said...:

    Now all you need are pictures of Star Bellied Sneetches trying to anally invade one another. Well done. I think Adele is adapting this as her next anthem.

  1. I particularly liked your temporary rants out of character before snapping back in. Way funny.

  1. I love, love, love, love, love this. I like to do Dr. Seuss too. This was absolutely hysterical!

  1. pammustard said...:

    Hilarious! I'll never look at that book the same way!

  1. lily said...:

    Oh my shit! This is absolutely hilarious!
    Brilliant poem, which had me dribbling in my knickers. Damn my loose pelvic floor muscles.

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    Thanks to everyone at Dude Writes!!


    If so, Adele better cough up some fucking royalties, fo'sho!

  1. Dude Write Dudes: You're welcome. :)

  1. Chris Bird said...:

    Now I'm sad. I thought you both were going to enjoy some buttsex. :(
    Great post, nonetheless.

  1. Kianwi said...:

    Oh, wow, this was crazy! You definitely filled the space left by some of the naughtier dudes at Dude Write. Very, very funny!

  1. Mrs.Birdman said...:

    You are my favorite dude ever. For reals. :)

    I am putting this poem on my fridge for my daughters to read. It's never to early to enjoy poetic genius.

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:


    Although, I'm only kind of a dude when I'm wearing the strapon ;p

  1. Kevin said...:

    You and Mod Mom need to team up! By the way I never did see the attraction to sticking my wee-wee up a poop shoot, what if it comes out chocolate covered? Ewwwwww, like a chocolate covered banana, but smaller.

  1. Pish Posh said...:

    Haha I'm going to give this to my bf ;)

  1. Ken Degner said...:

    Hi, and welcome to Dude Write.

    This was awesomely funny! I also now know what I'm going to be thinking about at my next over 40 check-up.

  1. ragemichelle said...:

    Hahahha LOVE THIS

  1. Dead Cow Girl said...:

    ZOMG. I just died laughing!

    Now can I haz boob shot? ;-)

  1. Molley Mills said...:

    I just sent that to my Husband, I'll let you know if he understands the subtle nuances of your words.
    So funny! Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
    Thanks for hooking up at the Hump Day Hook Up.

  1. Lucy Ball said...:

    I love you so hard.

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