There's this crazy guy that I met through Dude Write that goes by The Birdman and has a blog at Change The Topic... and ya know what? He and his wife are damn good people! I have a bloggy crush on both of them, but I won't say which one I like more. *cough* Aaaanyway, The Birdman has already been doing a feature called Therapy Thursday and when we got to talking, I was all like, "Hey! I was just thinking that I really want to start doing something like that too on my blog." He was awesomely generous enough to hand over the rungs at his place to dip my toes in, especially since he already had some letters that obviously needed some of Lady E's tender loving care -- so here it goes, drum rolls please -- this is officially the very first What's Your Damage? feature!
Here is an excerpt from the submission:
I recently become a father for the first time 2 months ago, Around a month before this, the mother of my child ended our relationship. This came completely out of the blue to me as there were no signs that anything was wrong. I attributed it to depression etc. Anything to rationalize it and convince myself it was temporary. I've since realised that, although she has told me I did nothing wrong and she acted solely on her feelings about the future, it was not a temporary thing and there geniunely is nothing more for us...
Please check out Change The Topic to see the the rest of his letter and the advice I gave... PS. Don't listen to Smarty's advice; he's a douchebag ;) And if YOU have a question, whether it be about sex, relationships or anything in between, please feel free to submit directly to me from this site (100% confidentially, if you like -- just don't fill in the name or email). -------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for reading; comments are closed today.
I haven't participated in on of Mama Kat's World Famous Writing Prompts in a while now, but that's not to say I don't read them all the time. Something about this one caught my eye: "Dig out your high school yearbook and share a message a friend wrote that stands out to you."
Uuuhhff.
Call me masochistic but I thought it would be interesting to dust off the old book and take a quick nostalgic trip down that tumultuous high school lane, but it turned out to be much more than that. It was full of love. Or rather, memories of love once felt by a special person in my past, and for a brief moment in my life, I reciprocated his love. I had forgotten that he wrote this - it's been so long. But even now, after all these years, I feel warmth, affection and love when I read it... and that's a wonderful thing.
Dear Steph,
Well here I am writing and where shall I start, because is has been such a fun time knowing you. We started out not knowing each other's names and we ended up having such a good time - for example that fantastic Halloween to that exceptional Christmas, with many things said, which I might add were meant then and now nothing. Who knows, in another time and place there might be two people just like us that end up together. As the time has gone we have both changed - it could only be expected.
With everything said and done, I've had a great time and I wouldn't change my time knowing you for anything. In that time I have changed for the better and because of you, I view things in a different light. It is not easy remembering all the good times we had together and writing about them because they make me feel so happy but equally sad. And you know why because all the things we love come to an end eventually, which is the hardest thing to face but it will slowly get easier in time, but never forgotten.
One other thing is that you frustrate me at fuckING times and don't forget to drag out the "ING" when you say it. You drive my insane, woman! But all joking aside, no matter what we do, or how far away we travel, or how old we get, my memories of you shall always be with me.
Most of my relationships began with me pursuing the guy; it was rarely the other way around for some strange reason or another. A few times I would really have loved if it was them chasing me. When I had found the right moment to pour my heart out and reveal my true feelings, the result had one of three results: 1. He turned me down flat out, stating that we were much better off as friends; 2. We would start a ‘causal’ relationship that began with sex and ended with bruised egos; 3. (The fantasy scenario) He reciprocated my feelings and we partook in a wonderful and mutually respectful relationship. Ya, right!
During the course of a short-lived relationship with some idiot guy (that begun with a version of scenario #2), I had come to know his housemates very well. The one had a girlfriend and we had hit it off right away, which helped since we both spent a lot of time at that house.
The other guys would torment him all the time by telling blasphemous jokes and he would get so angry and usually storm off to his room. He also was adamantly against drinking, smoking, drugs and pre-marital sex – all of which the rest of us did on a regular basis. I’m sure he probably thought he was living in Sodom & Gomorrah at times – we were all disgusting SINNERS! Because of this, it was even more of a shock when his housemate’s girlfriend took me aside one night to give me a ‘heads up’ for what was about to happen.
“Jeff told me that he loves you and he’s going to tell you... soon!” She paused to witness my initial facial contortions upon hearing this news, and then continued, “Ya, I know! I tried to dissuade him, seriously, I tried, but he is convinced that you two belong together.”
Ah crap. Of all the men that I had chased over the years (and there were a lot), this is the one guy that decided to chase me... giraffe man! I responded to this news in utter confusion, “But, why? There is the obvious fact that I am with his housemate... kind of... and he knows I sleep with him; I thought he was against sex! What about the booze, cigarettes and weed? What the hell does he actually see in me when 80% of my lifestyle he fervently disagrees with?! What a weirdo!”
“I know. I know. He thinks that you will give all that up for him – I’m not sure which delusion he is living in. I think he is going to tell you tomorrow, so at least I am giving you some advance warning. I couldn’t even imagine what you would do if he told you without me breaking the news ahead of time.” No shit! I honestly didn’t know either and was thankful that she told me.
That night quickly came and after a couple rounds of joints, we all were going to go out for some food. Jeff puffed his chest out a bit, held me back and proclaimed to everyone, “You guys go ahead! Rachel and I have some important things to discuss.” O god... is he serious? My friend looked at me with pity-filled eyes as they left without me.
He sat me down on the couch and sat in a chair across from me that was much too short for his long legs; I was stoned off my rocker and was trying to keep a straight face with every ounce of self-control that I had left.
He looked me straight into my blood-shot eyes and told me that he loved me, very truly and very deeply. He said he was willing to look past all my ‘poor choices’ if I would agree to be with him and change my ways from that point onward. Apparently, if I loved him as much as he thought I did, I would easily change for him and we would abstain until our wedding night. YIKES! I was pretty freaked out with the intensity and resolve he had in his plans, all the way to having thought about our wedding. We weren’t even together and I felt like it was going to be one the hardest ‘break-ups’ that I would ever have to initiate.
Maybe I needed to experience that to see how awkward it was for the other person receiving the news, although I am sure I was only about 10% crazy when I performed my various declarations; Jeff was off the charts, 100% and beyond. Even if I had imagined wedding dresses with some of my past crushes, I NEVER would have told them, not ever! JESUS! Some craziness must be kept in your head!
I gave him the standard version of the “friendship” speech that I had come to know all too well, although I didn’t even believe that load of crap. After he revealed his extreme thoughts to me, I wanted to keep my distance from him for a while. Luckily, I was pretty much done with his housemate as well, so it worked out for the best to make a clean break with the guys in that house.
I met a guy at a cute little café in the city when I was 21 and we immediately hit it off – it wasn’t my normal place to go, so it became a little special to me after that night; I thought it was for both of us. We had an incredible couple of months together. Everything between us clicked perfectly – intellectually, physically and everything in between. I was so happy and loved every second we spent together. Sometimes, I even thought that he could have been “the one”.
After about 3 months, he changed a little bit. Any time I referred to us in a future tense (as in a few months, not growing old together or anything) he would passively change the subject. He also became slightly distracted and much less attentive to me, so maybe I should have seen it coming, but I tried to ignore it. I chalked it up to the fact that our “honeymoon period” was coming to a close and we were entering into an official long-term relationship.
I had driven to his place and we usually went out together from there – as his place was a lot closer to the city than mine. He told me we were going to “our” café. I was excited; I thought it was a sweet gesture. We had been together for nearly 3 months to the day, so I thought he was getting sentimental.
We got our coffees and found a cozy little table just for two. I had barely finished putting sugar into my coffee when he took my hand from across the table and squeezed it. It seemed as if he was getting ready to say something, so I stopped fiddling with my drink and looked up at him with love-sick doe eyes and smiled. The next thing that came out of his mouth obliterated the smile right from my face and transformed into a frozen state of shock.
“I think you are a really great person but I don’t think we should see each other anymore. I really want to discover who I am and I don’t think that I will be able to do that if we’re together.”
Seriously? What the hell just happened? I was so confused and I didn’t know quite how to react, so I stared into my coffee without blinking for what seemed to be an eternity. It’s not like it was the first time a guy had broken up with me, but this guy’s method was uniquely warped. He had taken me back to the place where we met... TO DUMP ME. Was it supposed to be a metaphorical “our relationship had come full circle” bullshit approach? I didn’t get it; my mind was short circuiting. No matter how I spun it, it was a really cruel thing to do.
It took every last bit of energy to maintain my composure in the café. I cleared my throat and managed to say one thing, “I need to get my car.” So that was even worse planning on his part– He knew he would have to drive me back after he had shattered me. I couldn’t decide whether he was a complete dick or an evil genius, finding further ways to torture me after the initial dump. The second I got into the privacy of his car I finally let go and broke down. I still didn’t say anything; I just cried the whole way back to his place. He really did blind-side me in the café.
As he pulled up behind my car, I reached for the door handle to leave but then I paused. I thought I had better say something – as our entire relationship (that I thought was almost perfect) had just been reduced to nothing more than an uncomfortable hiccup in his life. I thought that the past 3 months of bliss deserved some kind of defence before their pleasant memories were snuffed out.
I looked straight ahead and focused on the rear license plate of my car. “I was really falling in love with you.” After I said it, I wiped a final tear from my cheek and looked him in the eye for the first time since we were in the café. He tilted his head, fake pouted and in a disgustingly condescending tone he replied, “I know you were.”
Well, that final display of callousness sealed the deal and I actually managed to get over him pretty quickly, but I still have never gone back to that damn café.
7 months had passed before I was to see Jim again. The night before this particular day the phone had rung; it was Jim. God I loved the sound of his voice so much! I had forgotten just how much until I heard it again. We planned to take the morning off school and meet at his house. I didn’t sleep at all that night.
My stomach started turning as soon as I saw him walking towards the door. When he opened it and I saw him standing there, I couldn't catch my breath. He let me in. He had his artwork for school all laid out, so I looked over that while he read the paper. There was an uncomfortable silence between us. Then we started watching television, still saying very little to each other. I was going crazy, screaming on the inside, “I STILL LOVE YOU!” I didn't know what to do, so I just started tickling him - just as it began the very first time; as if we were re-tracing our steps and had come full circle.
We got closer and then our lips finally met. All our buried feelings came flooding back like a tidal wave and it felt as though time had stood still for us and we had never been apart. He held on to me so tightly that it almost hurt, but I didn’t want him to ever let go. He took my hand and we went upstairs; stopping on every other stair to kiss. It took us a while to get to the top and into his room.
It felt as though we were re-living our first time together, but this time was so much more powerful because of everything we had become for each other since that day. It was over-whelming, but I managed to keep my composure while we made love. Afterwards, he remained on top of me while my legs were wrapped around him and he just stared into my eyes, played with my hair and kissed me over and over again. It was so tender and loving, like he was fascinated by my every feature. He had never done that before, not that I'm complaining.
We didn't need to say anything.
It was as if we both understood how wonderfully poetic that moment was to each other. A tear managed to escape my eye and rolled down the side of my face. He wiped it softly away with his thumb. He didn't need to ask me why I was crying, he knew already. We stayed there like that, frozen in that moment for at least an hour. The whole world could have been crumbling around us and we wouldn’t have noticed.
Finally, we got dressed and he was going to drive me back to school. It was an excruciating ride because we knew what the destination meant. It didn’t help things any that the beautifully haunting music of Portishead was playing in his CD player – talk about twisting the knife! “Cause nobody loves me, it's true; not like you do.”
His eyes were swollen, fighting back his tears the whole way to my school, as we drove in silence, listening to those heart-breaking lyrics. We had arrived; he turned the car off and looked out the window, away from me and said with a broken voice, "Goodbye... Behave... I will always love you... Goodbye."
I sat and cried for a couple minutes, prolonging the inevitable act of me actually exiting the car. He continued to look away while I cried but had found my hand and held it tightly; I didn’t even attempt to hold back anymore. I was bordering on hysterical. Tears began to roll down his face, although he tried his hardest not to let me see.
His words still repeated in my mind, "I will always love you... Goodbye.”
I stood there on the curb until his car was completely out of sight, hoping that he would turn around and come back. I could still smell his aftershave on my skin. I closed my eyes; I wanted to shut out everything to try and stop hurting. I never wanted to open my eyes again because he was gone, and we would never be together again. The finality of it all was a bit too much for me to bear – we had officially had our last precious moment as 2 people that loved each other and now would lead separate lives. I still had 3 weeks before I left, but I don't think either of us could have said goodbye again. I know now that it was just as difficult for him as it was for me. It shouldn't have had to be like that! People should be together when they are in love. Fuck what anyone else thought! Who were we really hurting? No one!
But there we were, and I had just watched my soul mate drive away
and out of my life.
My legs felt completely numb;
I fell to the grown as if I had melted into the cement.
I dated a guy when I was 19 that I had picked up at a nightclub. This never happened to me before so it was a cool experience, but not fool proof by any means. I actually liked his friend a lot more, but it was him that took interest in me that night. After last call, we went back to his place and had fantastic sex. It was more that that... it was the first time I had ever been brought to orgasm. WHAT THE HELL WAS I EVER DOING BEFORE THIS? I had thought I had had one in the past, but until you actually have one, YOU – WILL – KNOW! He was going down on me and all of a sudden, I started getting a warm, tingly feeling in my toes. Then it spread up my legs and exploded out my bellybutton like a geyser of pure ecstasy. He succeeded in giving me 3 that night! After that encounter, I wanted to gorge myself on this pleasure every chance I got.
There was 1 problem... the next morning I got the opportunity to get better acquainted with my talented suitor – he was friggin’ annoying as hell! I worked with it for a while and tried to ignore it. Luckily, his friends were all really cool and we had a fantastic time together, as a group. One other guy in their group even started dating one of my best girlfriends. The guy I was dating had a great “hang-out-friendly” house, so everyone always ended up at his place. I rarely had to deal with him on a one-on-one basis, except when we went to bed (where there was little talking anyway).
Time when by fast, and before I knew it, this guy had been my boyfriend for 7 months! 7 long months of mind-blowing multiple orgasms... from the most annoying guy I had ever met. I was completely hooked and I even became a little demanding about it, like a jonezing addict. Luckily, he LOVED performing his duty for me. It turned him on so much that sometimes he would climax on his own... while he was going down on me! How often does that happen?! I barely had to do a damn thing. I knew I was being a selfish lover but I didn’t care... up until that point.
After the 8th month, I started to feel a bit guilty, mainly because by then I could barely even stand to look at him anymore. Every time I heard him laugh it was like nails on a chalkboard. I knew I wasn’t being fair to him; I was using him for his tongue, just as long as he didn’t use it for talking! I tried to break up with him every weekend for the next 4 weeks, but it was never the right time. Finally, one afternoon I had gone over and on this rare occasion none of his friends were at his place. 2 hours of mind numbing conversation with him had sure helped me to finally muster up the nerve to initiate the “break-up” talk. He took it rather well; it went better than I thought. Then, all of a sudden I started to cry... hard! He gave me a raised-eyebrow sympathy look and rubbed my back, like he was touched that I was upset about our break-up. Yeah, right! I couldn’t care less about him. I was crying because it had just hit me that my once endless supply of orgasms-on-demand had just been cut off – COLD TURKEY! It was hell.
