Nov 7, 2011

C'ouch Sex

If this doesn't scream 'love', I really don't know what does...

Lady: There's nothing on TV tonight.
Husband: Wanna fuck?
L: Well, when you say it like that... Yeah!
He starts taking off his clothes right there.
  Oh, you mean down here?
H: Yup. That OK?
L: (giggles) I guess.
I start taking off my clothes while he goes to lay down on the carpet, naked and staring at me like he's the cat that just ate the canary. I look down... full cock and barrel salute.
H: I'm ready.
L: I see that!
We start some rolling around and the carpet was getting a little scratchy. And the toy train that stabbed my ass didn't help.
  Want to move to the couch?
H: Sure. Want me to kneel in front of you?
L: Sounds good. Is that OK?
H: Can you shimmy your ass a bit further forward on the couch?
L: How's that?
My ass is 2/3 off the couch and every muscle in my butt, arms and thighs are beginning to throb. I'm fucking out of shape, yo!
H: Better.
Now? There is a stabbing pain in my left ass cheek - cramp. CRAMP. CRAMP!
L: Oh my god. Oh my god. Owe! Ass cramp, hun!
H: I'm almost done, hold on! Hold on!
(Time lapse approximately 6 more frantic pumps)
  Wow. That was terrible.
L: You really know how to talk sexy to a girl.
H: Ha! Sorry... it was awkward. I didn't like it.
L: Yes, your sperm seemed highly disappointed.
H: Bah. You know what I mean.
L: Yeah. So... you going to walk the dog?
He's re-dressing but I'm still on the couch, naked.
H: Yes. Did she crap at 5 o'clock?
L: Uh huh. She'll just need a pee before bed.
H: OK.
L: I'm going to go upstairs and finish myself. If you come back in time, you can help me.
H: Na. I'm good.

Yes, that.


  1. Some days, I wish I could get away with that shit.

    Not often. Usually I'm a giver. But some days...

  2. OMG I think I love you! This post is my favourite in a very long time! There's something so fascinating about a man who puts it all out there: wanna fuck? Like he's asking for the M&Ms.
    Loved this!

  3. About 6 more frantic pumps? Nice. I love how even in the face of terrible sex, men can still make it happen.

  4. I should put in a side note that he NEVER says "Wanna fuck"... like, ever! I was genuinely impressed - at THAT part.

  5. Lol. This post had my crying I was laughing so hard. Unfortunately, I can totally relate. Especially the 6 frantic pumps part. Men suck.

  6. I'm impressed that he offered to walk the dog afterwards. Now that's a keeper.

  7. LMAO This cracked me up! I can totally relate! :)

  8. romance is alive...

  9. Nothing kills the mood like a cramp. lol.

  10. this is so what I needed to read this dreary Monday morning... so hilarious and much too familiar. What a sexy scene...ummm..yeah...

  11. Fleece blankets, and a couple pillows in the vicinity of your living room/family room/whatever.

    Sure, it doesn't make the floor any softer, but at least it makes it somewhat less bruising and way less scratchy.

    A quick sweep of the arm or leg beforehand should deal with toy vehicles, crafting supplies, Legos and other child-oriented obstructions to pleasure.

    Just some tips from a fellow out-of-shape, getting older kind of person who's thrown out his back, twisted his neck, bruised his muscles, scraped his skin, rug-burned parts that aren't meant to see that much friction...and at one point exacerbated a flare-up of "deacon's knees" (yes, a real condition)

    Unless you're a member of a Chinese gymnastic troupe or have a really big couch, that piece of furniture is only good for oral, and even that's questionable.

    I do love the romance of discussion poop (animal or otherwise) right afterward. I can relate...although I can't relate to the six pumps or the lack of enthusiasm to help finish you off with finger or tongue. I'd relish the chance for dessert after walking a damn dog. ;-)

  12. Hilarious. The only thing more over rates than couch sex is shower sex. When really it ends up being one person standing there freezing their ass off, getting shot in the eye with rogue sprays of water.
    Thanks for the laugh! :D
    Kris (Letmepeeinpeace)

  13. married sex 101: he must stay to finish you off! lol! can totally relate to this post...When your kids are little, you take it whenever you can get it!

  14. Were you in my house on the weekend.

  15. Oh my God... I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard! I love the "Na, I'm good." Priceless.

    This is rather reminiscent of the last time my hubby and I went at it in somewhere other than the usual spot. At least the great part about being married is that you can be honest and say, "Owww... cramp!" I remember when we were dating, I would have just sucked it up and pretended everything was fine, and then walked crooked for a week and told him it was his great manliness that had caused my sprained ass cheek. LOL

    Thanks for the laughs! This was awesome!

  16. @Kris

    You're right - that usually ends up with some kind of slippery injury.


    You are very welcome!


    Yes - I peaked in :)

  17. Oh, the leg cramps! Always the stupid leg cramps! That's just a sign that i need to work out more than 3x a year, isn't it?

  18. Seriously? He just left you hanging??? Boo!

    I hate Butt cramps.

  19. Blame it on the lack of sex or the desperation of a recently-separated housewife... but I found this post sort of cute and adorable. Yeah, yeah, I know. Lady E and hubby having sex... cute and adorable?!? WTF??

    But yeah, my reply to your title right there is, "Yep, it's love, alright!" Having an ass cramp while having sex with your husband is um, not preferred, but it could be a lot worse if it happens while on a date (your thighs and ass are probably gonna suffer a lot more cos we're just not gonna confess ass cramps while having sex with some hot dates, are we? ;))

  20. Awesome...Seriously that is all I can think right now. Awesome.

  21. I just love a good love story. I can't wait for the movie.

  22. Could of done the dishes whilst he was at it too - thank god for the days of small toys now long gone, although I have wood floors so things don't tend to stick just slide - maybe a new flooring is what you need (pun intended LOL)

  23. I was brought up by nuns who taught me that not getting your lady off is tantamount to rape.

  24. Oh I LOVE shower sex and have learned its the easiest way for anal. If you don't like freezing, consider turning around. Just the other day hubby and I went at it in the shower. I was facing the drain instead of the back wall. We both stayed warm because the water went on my back and his stomach but on neither of our faces.

    Beware: the water and thrusting makes for a loud sex session though ;)


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