Feb 23, 2011

It Was The Music Room That Did It For Me.

It wasn't love at first sight, but I had known within days that Jim was going to be someone special to me.

I always thought I was a bit of a freak because I was a painter/writer but also shot 75% from the 3-point line AND would have sold my soul for backstage passes to almost any gig of a Seattle band. I knew a lot of people (both girls and guys) that were usually only one or another, perhaps 2 out of 3 at most... but Jim? He was a perfect trifecta - my match. In one afternoon we could debate about lyrics from Nirvana's Bleach album, play a heated one-on-one game of basketball, and then sketch in our own folios, in silence...well, until we fucked each other like a pair of rabbits, anyway. Ah, to be teenagers in love.

When I saw him again a couple months ago, of course I was nervous; it had been over a decade since we had seen each other. We had spoken a lot online the last few years, but that was it.

When he answered the door, he was still looking good; still smelling good and still dressing hot - but come on! I am now a mature, married mother of two - so crap - I had no choice but to maintain my composure. I had promised myself, or rather, I threatened myself that I would kick my own ass if I cried; I couldn't let him see me cry, even if they were happy tears.

We exchanged a hug and some niceties. I wanted to just blab ridiculously about everything that I had been through in the past decade, but I maintained my cool as he showed me around his place. Bedrooms, nice. Living room, yes. Kitchen, ok... and then, as we passed a painting THAT I HAD DONE hanging on the wall, he showed me his music room. It was not a huge room, more like a den, but it was floor to ceiling with CDs; there were hundreds upon hundreds, and I got a little weak in the knees.

If I am to be totally blunt about it, if I knew I wouldn't get caught, if I was single, I would have dropped to my knees and given him the best head of his life right then and there, in that music room. That room was like fucking Spanish Fly and I was over-whelmed. Over-whelmed with what? I don't quite know. Nostalgia? Perhaps. I was slapped in the face with one of the 3 reasons I fell in love with him all those years ago; it literally surrounded me.

We had then gone outside to the backyard which was perfect because I was able to get some fresh air and hide the few renegade tears that had managed to escape as a result of experiencing that room - those little bastards! After a quick and bittersweet lunch, he dropped me off at the train station; I texted him right away.

Me: It was amazing to c u. Meant a lot to me.
Jim: No worries. Was nice to see u too. Xox
Me: Wish I had more time w/ u; would love to see u 1 more time ;)

And then he wrote me a frickin' novel that had to come to my phone in 3 downloads. I barely read half of it while rolling my eyes and snoring out loud. Blah...blah...something-something about not wanting to complicate anything with my marriage (not that it was any of his concern to begin with)...blah..., and needing to treasure the good memories we have. Blah.. blah...la-dee-fucking...blah...

After all these years and all we meant to each other, he should know me by now. I'm not a happy girl when I don't get my main course, let alone denied dessert. What can I say? I'm a spoiled bitch. *POUT*

Jim: I'll think about it.

Did I see him again? Of course not.
Do I still love him? Always.


  1. I freaking love you!!! (not in a pervy way..maybe if I had a few shots!) When I read the line about how you would drop to your knees I SQUEALED LIKE A PIG FROM DELIVERANCE! I did the whole, "you go girl!" neck roll thing and almost passed out!

    This is a huge reason why I love reading your blog...YOU KEEP IT REAL!!!

  2. Now THAT'S a music room!

    Young love!

  3. Dude sounds like a chick in sheep's clothing. He read way to much into that then spouted off a book for you to read. Duh.

  4. Seriously...Your stories make me feel like I'm reliving the horny teenage years...You freakin rock

    Just saying :)

  5. I love this post, so honest, so real. And that music room rocks no wonder you wanted to give head!

  6. once you're married, ex's are so dangerous! i feel like there's a giant red flag waving in my face anytime i see or even fb talk with any of my ex's i really loved.

  7. Your honesty is inspiring. Thoughts & feelings that so many of us cannot even admit to ourselves, and here you are...

    Definitely keeps me coming back for more ;)

  8. I have *many* ex's that I'm still in touch with - with no issues whatsoever, but Jim is different. I guess in a way I'm sooooo glad that he lives on the other side of the world - which also breaks my heart at the same time. Fucking stupid emotions ;)

  9. Ahhhhummm.... was him not accepting you into his lair not the entree, my love? You had ME from the very first paragraph!

    Fuck - I'm sorry - if I'm supposed to be the friend that says "You bum, ur married!!" then I suck. B/c I have always been the friend that says "And how do YOU feel? What do YOU want?"


    Love you hun! xo

  10. Jim,
    I can't control what people gather or take away from this - but I feel you did read way too much into the situation. Sacred? I don't know about that - who here knows either of us? No one, luv. It's a vent; a tool. Nothing more.

    I'm just surprised you actually made the effort to read it - and why I did the things I did, since I wasn't able to do that in person.

    And if the only thing you took away from this is negativity, then for that, I'm so sorry. The ending was meant to be just that - There's no need to argue anymore.


  11. holy mother of god!! Post + comments = best fucking post!

    interesting he's reading your blog...hmmmmm...courisier and courisier.

    turn those CD's into books and watch me become someone's love slave...

    this story aside....

    my ex was a whiny bitch, still came to my house, wheezled his way into MY BEDROOM!! while I wasn't HOME! Mom, why did you even answer the door??? even after my boyfriend (my lovely Mike) told him we were married (when we wern't).......oh, and he used all my perfume before returning the empty bottle. hmmm...wonder what he was doing w it....not.

  12. hey, lady! you're of a genuine rare and very precious breed of blogger....no holds back :) love it! especially since you're keeping your true identity anonymous. adds to the allure :) vent away girl!

  13. omg i can't believe he got so upset about what you wrote. I don't think it was anything terribly derogatory toward him. It's obvious that you felt so much for him and still do on some level.
    oh, and to see your art hanging in his place. Everything must have come flooding back. I know what thats like.
    I can kind of relate. I have a friend, who at times was more than a friend. I wanted it to be more. He didn't and it was all for the best. He got married last summer and it physically hurt to watch him dance the first dance with his new bride. It has been very hard for me to accept that things are different now and we just don't hang out one on one the way that we used to. It's getting better/easier, but it's taken awhile.

  14. I wonder if he still has your painting on the wall...he he he he.


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