Top 10 Movies I'm Ashamed to Love

Nov 20, 2012

Some horrific movie was on television over the weekend and my husband casually observed, "Isn't that one of those stupid movies that you love?" To which I replied, "Umm, which one? I should have a list . . ." Then lo and behold, a new Top Ten was born, forged in the pit of self loathing and masochism with flecks of premature ejaculations of hopeless romanticism. Yes, that sounds just about right.

10. Sky High. (Rotten tomato meter: 6.5/10)
Honestly, I have no excuse for this movie. It's like the cheesy Disney version of The X-Men but I love it hard; just looking at the movie poster makes me shake my head with shame. The only defending quality I can think of is that they cast Lynda Carter as Principal Powers, and that's fucking awesome.

9. Sister Act (1 & 2). (Rotten tomato meter for 1: 5.7/10, for 2: 3/10)
Goddamn you, Whoopi! I just cannot resist you funkifying all the old church tunes with your more-often-than-not off key "show girl" voice. (PS. If Whoopi Goldberg can pass as a Vegas show girl/headliner, than I'm gonna sign up for the next Victoria's Secret runway show.) Anyways, I wanted to spoon all those adorable supporting actress nuns. And I own both of the soundtracks too. Suck it!

8. Ever After. (Rotten tomato meter: 7.5/10)
I love Drew Barrymore, but by Christ, she was fucking awful in this -- and I barely care. Why? Two main reasons: A. Dougray Scott wears mantards the entire movie and is a proper piece of eye candy, and B. Melanie Lynskey plays one of the step-sisters. You likely know her best as bat shit crazy Rose on Two and a Half Men. Yes, her. She's super funny and lovely in this movie: "Of course not, Mother! I'm only here for the food."

7. National Treasure. (Rotten tomato meter: 5.3/10)
It's Disney doing action; they've got the formula down to a fine art and dammit, it reels me in every time. Even Nicolas Cage (whom my loathing for is only surpassed by one other, and I will get to him later down the list) and his dopey melodramatic epiphanies of problem solving genius don't bother me. It's exciting and I love phony historical action mysteries that are neatly tied into Hollywood bows, perhaps something I shouldn't be okay with, but I really am. It's like the Walmart version of Indiana Jones, and shit, I just love me a bargain!

6. Blast From The Past. (Rotten tomato meter: 6/10)
My husband told me I'd have to put at least ONE Brendan Fraser movie on this list and I had to choose this one. I knew it was going to be fabulously gag-worthy when the main characters are revealed as Adam and Eve, I mean . . . really? However, I think my love for this movie is similar to Sister Act - the supporting actors fucking rock. Christopher Walken, Sissy Spacek and Dave Foley? Just fantastic.  Alicia Silverstone plays pretty much the exact same character as her Clueless's Cher, which is the role she was born to play. I would have put Clueless on this list, but then again, WHO DOESN'T LOVE CLUELESS?

And now I just thought of Brittany Murphy and I'm sad . . .

OK, back to the countdown!

5. Save the Last Dance. (Rotten tomato meter: 5.5/10)
Awe, shit. I'm not even allowed to watch this movie while my husband is in the house; anywhere on the property, actually. I still think it's because he's never gotten over the fact that I've had my ebony and ivory phase, but whatever - he shouldn't have asked if he didn't want to know the truth. HA! I ate up the whole "I'm a ballerina but I have to go live in the 'hood because my mom's dead because of me because I'm a spoiled brat" thing with a giant shovel. And Sean Patrick Thomas? Mmm mmm mmm. (Ssshhhhhh.)

4. Just Friends. (Rotten tomato meter: 5.2/10)
I am a massive Ryan Reynolds fan, and I have been since his Van Wilder days. Me and my Alanis Morissette Scarlett Johansson Sandra Bullock Blake Lively voodoo doll cannot hide this fact. I have to say though, on a more serious note, this movie is pretty much the gender reverse of my life, so I related to it on a very personal level - except my fat suit is fucking fused on! Snort! And if you never watch this movie, you have to at least watch this . . .


3. Constantine. (Rotten tomato meter: 5.5/10)
Fuck you, Keanu Reeves. I hate you so much! But apparently, what I love even more than hating Keanu is freaky religious Apocalyptic shit based on a comic book. I'd be slightly torn if I had to decide who's the better Satan, Peter Stormare in this movie or Viggo Mortensen in The Prophecy, but I might have to lean towards Peter - he's that fucking bad ass. As a warning, I'll admit that this movie drags in and out, and, umm, Keanu being Keanu, but the last 20 minutes are seriously hardcore and it blows my freaking mind. 

2. Bring It On. (Rotten tomato meter: 6/10)
Sigh. Cheerleaders. Double Sigh . . . Awesome. Oh wow. Like totally freak me out, I mean right on! If this movie is on television, I must watch it. I think the husband secretly doesn't mind it either, because of, well, the cheerleaders. But I think the script is hilarious and cleaver -- not to mention that I'm a big Eliza Dushku fan. I might have even called my husband Eliza once or twice, but he didn't mind. Ahem.

1. BioDome. (Rotten tomato meter: 1.8/10)
Yup. It's one of my dirtiest secrets. And I enjoyed Son In-law too. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I can't even blame myself for clinging to nostalgic tastes from my youth on this one because I just watched it for the first time in years a few months ago and I still laughed my ass off. The scene when the get high on the nitrous oxide is extremely funny to me, along with many other parts that I adore for their utter ridiculousness. But, yes, I'm still kind of embarrassed, and it's one of the main reasons that prevents me from mocking someone who believes that Twilight has any cinematic integrity whatsoever, because . . . BioDome.


And I fucking love it.

"Dennis Hopper Blue Velvet. Oh I'm slutty! Oh I'm slutty!"
~ Bud Macintosh

11 comments:

  1. Leigh Ann said...:

    I love Just Friends! And your growing collection of voodoo dolls.

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    Yeah, I just pretty much change her hair style every time. Haha

  1. angel shrout said...:

    Meet the Fockers, cracks me up every time.. I love National Treasure and Ghost Rider.. The black girl that plays co caption to the cheer team they had stolen their routines from died last week.She was hit by a car while crossing the street. I was floored.

  1. Jess said...:

    YES. Ever After is one of my favorites. I LOVE the Queen and Dougray Scott, but my god her accent is terrible.

    Why must you give me important conundrums first thing in the morning? Viggo's Satan was so excellently evil and slimy, but Peter Stormare's was both creepy and amusing. Damn. That's hard to choose...I love both of those movies. Also, Djimon Huntsu's witch doctor? FABULOUS.

  1. Jen said...:

    Oh I knew that I liked you...

    And I must say, you have awesome taste in movies. Awesome. :)

  1. Rebeka St John said...:

    I can't say one of these are in my 10 ten ashamed list. I don't think I'd list mine at this point.

  1. BNM said...:

    I like some of them too.. my top 10 would be
    1. Bring it on
    2. Legally Blonde
    3. Clueless
    4. Sweet Home Alabama
    5. romy and michelles high school reunion
    6.Juno
    7.10 things i hate about you
    8 high school musical
    9. blank check
    10. cant hardly wait

    there you have it LOL

  1. Every tie Save the Last Dance is on tv I always end up watching it. It's a shame.

  1. Lance said...:

    I don't think these movies are shameful but society and critics tell me differently.

    10) Mean Girls - it's meant for adults. It's epic. It really says more about relationships than it does about high school.

    9) Constantine - one of the best comic book flicks ever. It's supposed to suck but Tilda Swinton and Keanu make it soar.

    8) The Replacements - more Keanu. It's rediculous but "Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever." makes it awesome.

    7) Major League - Wild Thing, Jake, Harris, Willie Mays Hays, Cerano, Dorn, and Lou. It's a murderer's row of characters. It works.

    6) Smokey and the Bandit - the redneck's Citizen Kane. I fall for it every time.

    5) Road House - "I thought you'd be bigger"....Pat Swayze and Sam Elliot are amazing. But Ben Gazzara as the heavy steals the movie. It's great.

    4) Heathers - It's the movie Mean Girls touches itself too. Winona Ryder and Chris Slater are badass,

    3) The Warriors - violent, crazy, topical and memorable. It;s a must watch.

    2) Porky's - nudity aside, which was great for a 12-year-old, the humor is perfect for my later high school life.

    1) Point Break - deserved an Oscar was awesome. More Keanu, plus Gary Busey, plus Pat swayze, plus surfing, plus great action.

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    I still think that Keanu was typical Keanu in Constantine, but Tilda and Peter made it rock for me!

    HEATHERS is my #1 favorite movie OF ALL TIME. SERIOUSLY.
    There is proof littered all over this blog. hahaha

  1. Kathy said...:

    i think we all have movies that we secretly love... i also really liked bring it on (or was it step it up?) ... it was one of those cheerleading dance movies. i'm not really into chick flicks but i did like mean girls and how to lose a guy in 10 days.

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