Feb 23, 2012

The Littlest Survivor

Since there seems to be a growing popularity of these special little people on TV as of late, (ie. Last night's midget being tossed into the ocean scene from Survivor that I will be having a nightmare about tonight was very entertaining, and only one step away from being shot out of a cannon, which I'm sure will be next week's episode.) I thought it was quite called for to do a little Flashback Friday for you all. Yes, yes, it's coming out a day early. Shut it! Cars are released an entire calendar year before their model date, so there.


Picture it: It was a soggy Melbourne winter night in 2000. I had just gotten off work at the dinner theatre where I was bartending and I was waiting for the tram to go home - the last tram of the night. It was cold and I was tired and a bit zoned out when the tram finally glided to a stop in front of me. The doors opened and I briefly looked up just in time to see a tiny flash of red glitter slip and fly on to me. It was a midget, oh sorry, a little person and she had slipped ass over tit from a combination of a wet floor and what looked like 6 inch platform heels.

WHAM! Right on top of me!

Her chunky legs practically straddled my torso while I was laid out on the pavement in a pool of rain water mixed with dirt, oil and god knows what else; knowing Melbourne on a Saturday night, probably an additional splash or two of urine. She quickly got up and was embarrassed equally as I was traumatized, "Sorry, luv!"

I managed to mutter a fake, "No worries" as I peeled myself off the street.

But it WAS a worry - a big motherfucking worry! 

That was the beginning of the end. I was already iffy about little people due to a strange love/hate relationship I had with a guy that was 5 foot nothing (which is a whole other story I'll be getting to later this year), but this incident set me over the edge.

Thus, I am terrified of little people.

There. I said it (again).

I don't like watching them on TV either; I get very uncomfortable.

If I see one in person, I try to act normal, but I usually hold my breath for some fucked up reason. It's not because I think they smell, but I'd like to think it prevents me from hyper-ventilating.

My family and friends are aware of this quirk and absolutely LOVE to point them out to me in public. Yeah, thanks for that... love you too, jack asses.

I'm sure some will misconstrue my phobia as me just being a bigot or some shit like that - well, what the hell would you have me do? I am what I am, and that just happens to be someone who would likely pee my panties if a little person came up to me and gave me a hug. 

Fuck. Sorry.

I'm sure they're all lovely people.

And no, I have never watched The Little Couple. Or Big World, Little People. Or whateverthefuckelse they have on TV.

PS. To The Bearded Iris,
I'm sure once your son gets too emotionally scared tall to tell you about your crotch rot, you can always find... well... you get the picture. Ahem.


  1. But she was only trying to show you the way to the Emerald City!

    (I'm sorry, that was crass...)

    ...have I read this before? Or is this one of those odd stories we've shared over IM's?

  2. Hahaha, I have a friend with the same phobia. We used to email her pictures and change the file name to something like 'fluffy bunny' so she'd open them.

    My friends and I are such bitches :)

  3. @SAHM

    DUDE! That is so uncool. If I was her, I'd be pissed at you too. Ya bitches!


    Yes, I've told it before (in 2010, I think). It's come up way too many times on The Twitter, so I felt it needed to be told again - in far more than 140char could ever explain.

  4. As bad as this sounds, little people make ANY show that much more interesting.

  5. I love learning stuff about you. It makes me want to come hug you. [PS I AM 5'2" TALL!] [I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY CENTIMETERS THAT IS. A MILLION?]

  6. Move to Winnipeg. I don't think there are any little people here. Too cold. I suspect they suffer frostbite more quickly than the not-little-people.
    PS: I'm howling over here! I love your honesty!

  7. Oh. My. GOD. I can't believe you would dis my taco body like that! After all we've been through? Day-yam. Oh, and I'm afraid of old people, since we're sharing our irrational fears and all.

  8. @Iris

    Yeah, they are a little terrifying too - I think it's the whole "window into your gross future" thing.

  9. (Whispers: I am afraid of blind people.)

  10. I don't understand why either you or one other person I knew years ago are bothered by little people. To me height is something that is outside of anyone's control and not a reason to judge anyone or think less of them.

    Having said that you, should have asked that girl in Melbourne for some leprechaun gold, a Wonka chocolate bar or whatever other treasure that girl had in her purse.

  11. Yes, Roger.
    I understand it's fully out of their control and it's a completely irrational fear.
    Thanks for pointing that out, because it was written quite cryptically, wasn't it?

  12. This is one of those posts when I absolutely got nothing to say.... hahahaha.... I'm so sorry! Honestly, my mind's pretty much blank after reading this. Maybe watching those TV programs might help?

    I'm stuck at "a strange love/hate relationship I had with a guy that was 5 foot nothing (which is a whole other story I'll be getting to later this year)" though. Please elaborate. Soon.



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